


Changing Places

by Emily_F6



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-11-29 03:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 146,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18217886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emily_F6/pseuds/Emily_F6
Summary: The rumble is over. Johnny is dead, his brothers are worried, and the phone is ringing. But what would Ponyboy do to take it all back?





	1. Anything

**Author's Note:**

> The Outsiders was the first book I remember every really loving. Of course, back when I read it, I didn't have the internet or even my own copy of the book or the movie...I first watched the film in school after we read West Side Story, something I still don't understand the logic of. They're quite different. Regardless, I fell in love, and it was only recently that I reread the book and remembered how much I loved it...and all the alternate stories I used to come up with before I even knew what 'fanfiction' was. So I thought I'd try actually writing one down and seeing how it went. I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> *cross posted from FF.net*

Anything

The guy dropped me off outside my house and wished me good luck before driving away. I couldn't even be mad at Dally for leaving me at the hospital, honestly. Our best friend was dead. We'd just watched him die, and Dally couldn't take it. Johnny had meant everything to him. Heck, Johnny had meant everything to me too. He was my best friend. Had been my best friend. Was my best friend. Now he was dead. I was fourteen and my best friend was dead. I glanced around, realizing how late it was. Wandering around in the streets, trying to get home, had taken a long time. I was lucky that guy had stopped and given me a ride. I hadn't even caught his name…I had bled on his seats though. Slowly, I climbed the steps to our house, pushing the door open and stepping inside.

"Where have you been?" It was my brother's voice that greeted me as I stepped into the living room. I stared at him, silently pleading that we wouldn't have to do this again. I didn't have the energy to run away right now. If he hit me this time, I'd probably just stay down. "Ponyboy? What's the matter?" He asked, his voice going kind of quiet…or maybe my head was too loud. I could almost hear my blood rushing, and I knew that the back of my head was probably still bleeding. I blinked, trying to force myself to focus on him.

"Johnny...he's dead." I stood by the door, amongst the remaining members of our gang, all of us bruised and beat up. Steve seemed to be the worst off…or maybe Two-Bit. My head swam as I tried to process this. Johnny was dead and Dally was losing it. Bud Johnny couldn't be dead. I felt it in my gut that Dally was going to do something stupid. I'd always thought that Dally couldn't love anyone…apparently, I had been wrong. "Dallas is gone. He couldn't take it." I told them simply, staring at the floor. I thought Two-Bit said something but I didn't respond. I had a feeling my brothers were communicating while I wasn't looking, because it was quiet for a moment, all eyes on me.

"Ponyboy?" I glanced up, finding Sodapop standing in front of me. He looked rough, lips split and cheek bruised. I couldn't focus…I closed my eyes, my head hitting the door as I leaned against it. "Ponyboy, you look sick. Sit down." He urged gently. In my head, though, I could hear a voice, whispering as though next to my ear.

'What would you do to save him?' I brought a hand up, touching the side of my head, which felt strange and scrambled. When I moved it, it came away bloody. My brother called to me again, this time sounding more upset. Someone touched my shoulder.

"Anything." Everyone stopped as I spoke aloud, my voice seeming to echo in the silence. I was shaking like a leaf, and Soda stood beside me, his eyes narrow, brow furrowed in concern. Still the voice was in my head. 'What would you give? What would you do to save him?' I didn't know if it was talking about Johnny or Dallas. It didn't matter. "Anything." I said it again, feeling my eyes heat up.

"What are you talking about, Pony?" He asked, his voice somehow far away, and I heard the others talking once more.

'What would you do?' My fingers dug into my scalp, pulling the blond hair at the roots. I felt sick. 'What would you do to save him?' The gang couldn't exist without Johnny. Hadn't Two-Bit told me that? And what about Dally? We needed him too. He was tough and fearless…he'd protected Johnny. He'd helped us escape; given us a place to hide out. Sometimes Dally scared me, but I knew he'd be there if I ever really needed him…if the gang needed him. We were all so damn young. None of us deserved this, least of all Johnny and Johnny was dead. Soda was holding my shoulders gently, and I didn't pull away. I couldn't. Something bad was going to happen. Johnny was gone and I knew that soon, Dally would be too. I'd seen it in his eyes when he'd fled the hospital, leaving me to find my own way home. 'What would you do?'

"Ponyboy?" That was Darry and he sounded scared, but everything was going dark, spots appearing in my vision. Johnny was gone. My best friend was gone. The phone was ringing. Two-Bit was talking…maybe to me. Darry was crouching in front of me, hands on my arms, shaking me.

"Anything!" I screamed it, hands ripping at my hair as everything went dark, and I felt myself falling. Despite Darry holding me, I hit the ground. Hard.

"Ponyboy! Pony!" I jerked awake, gasping, drenched in sweat. My head hurt, and my ribs hurt, and while I was thinking about it, everything else hurt something awful too. The blackness was still there…and then a foot slammed into my side, forcing a grunt from my mouth. I blinked, trying to figure things out quick. Someone was yelling for me. Someone was beating the shit out of me too…both seemed equally important. Another foot hit my side, and I felt something give, a breathless cry escaping.  
"Stay down, pal." I frowned at the words, my brain slowly catching up. I wasn't at home, it finally decided, my brain late to the party as usual. Darry did always say I needed to get my head out of the clouds. Not only was I lying on wet grass, if either of my brothers saw someone kicking me like this, they'd probably kill them…which reminded me…

"Give me a drink for this greaser!" I rolled over a little at the words, and the first thing I saw was the fountain. Four Socs had someone pinned down in the water. One pulled out a flask, and the roaring in my ears and the pain in my ribs died down as I watched them pour something over Johnny's head. Johnny…Johnny Cade. Johnny Cade who I had just watched die. I thought I might throw up, my stomach churning as I fought to keep whatever was in it down. This had to be some kind of weird dream…I had been the one in the fountain! Only I could hear Johnny's cries of pain subsiding as he was dunked in the cold water once more, could feel the pressure on my lungs every time I moved…I was an expert on nightmares, and this wasn't one.

Johnny was drowning, and I was lying there, bleeding on the grass. I could never beat those guys one on one though, especially with what felt like broken ribs. I had to assume that somehow, someone was giving me a second chance, and as strange and surreal as it seemed, I wasn't about to turn it down. I remembered standing at Johnny's hospital bed, hearing his whispered, breathless plea for me to 'stay gold.' I remembered watching Dally implode, and the long walk home. The fire in the church. Darry's hand as it made contact with my face…the silence that fell over the three of us as I leaned against the door what felt like so long ago. I supposed that last part was still the same.

As I lurched to my feet, I wondered why this second chance couldn't have started before I ran off…before my brother had hit me and someone had kicked me repeatedly in the side, but I supposed, somehow detached as I made my way over to the Socs that were holding Johnny under the water, that it wasn't up to me to determine when my do-over started. I reached into my pocket. I had no idea what made me do it, but I did, fingers closing around cold steel. It was Johnny's.

I flipped the switch, hearing the low click as the blade popped out. Why did I have Johnny's switchblade? I had one of my own…at home. On the table by the bed. Darry was always on me to carry a blade…to be more careful…to come home on time and do my homework and get my head out of the clouds. I remembered the hospital, then, and how he'd looked, standing there, arms limp at his side as he stared at me, lost and shaken. I couldn't ever remember seeing my brother like that. I remembered how he'd grabbed me, arms tight around me as he'd rocked us back and forth, and for the first time in a long time, how I had realized how much my brother actually cared about me. I felt a fierce pang of regret…I'd never see that now, surely. There was only one way this would go, and I couldn't see my brother ever looking at me the same again after this.

What was I willing to do? What was I willing to give? It was an easy question to answer. I'd seen my friend die, all because of me. I'd watched him in that fire, working to save the kids and then his body in the hospital…paralyzed from the waist down. Flashes of those memories came back…Dally threatening to kill me if I ever did anything like that again. Two-Bit belting me one good in the face and telling Johnny that the gang couldn't get along without him. The kids, their faces terrified as I approached, not because I was a tough hood, but because of the fire I'd started. Or Johnny had started. The point was we shouldn't have been in there in the first place. So this was what I would do. I would switch places with him.

The Socs didn't see me coming. It was so easy…all I had to do was run up to them. Well…not run. I couldn't run. But I shuffled. I buried the blade into the guy that held Johnny down, watching him arch his back around the knife, a strangled cry escaping. Bob. His name was Bob. He'd beat up Johnny before. Now I was holding the handle of the switchblade that was embedded in his spine. I thought I might throw up. Anything. That's what I'd said. I'd do anything. I didn't regret it, but I felt the blade moving around his spine, and bile rose in my throat.

Suddenly it was like everything went from black and white, like in the old movies, to full color, full volume real life. I stumbled back, yanking the blade out and watching the guy crumble. The remaining Socs whirled on me, eyes wide as they backed away, drunk and scared. I reached out, grabbing Johnny and pulling him out onto the concrete, my blade pointed at the Socs as Johnny collapsed behind me. "Back off!" I snapped, unable to come up with anything more threatening as the blood dripped from my knife to the concrete. Trying to channel Dally, or even Two-Bit, I glared at them, leaning in like I could attack any minute. I hoped they didn't notice my hand shaking, but even if they did, the fact that Bob was on the ground at my feet, no longer moving, seemed to sober them up quick.

They ran. Immediately I dropped to Johnny's side, shaking him sharply, patting his face and calling his name. I didn't recognize my own voice…it was high pitched, panicked and breathless, like I was wheezing. Breathing was strangely difficult, and in some part of my mind, I knew that my ribs were probably broken, but I couldn't focus on that…or anything, other than the fact that Johnny was alive. My hands shook as I coaxed him awake, but as soon as he was conscious, he was rolling over, coughing up fountain water. Turning to give him some privacy, I realized I was staring at Bob. Bob the Soc. Bob the Soc who I had just killed. Jumping to my feet, I shuffled awkwardly over to the grass and threw up.

Once we had both stopped emptying our stomachs in the grass, Johnny looked over at me, shivering and wide-eyed. "Pony?" I was shaking, which made no sense because Johnny was the one who'd been soaked from head to toe in a fountain, and was now being exposed to the freezing night air. My teeth chattered, and I tried clenching my jaw to stop them.

"I killed him." The words were familiar…hadn't Johnny said the same thing? I couldn't remember all that clearly. I'd still been kind of fuzzy after I'd regained consciousness over a week ago. I stared at the guy's body, watching the blood pooling around him. "I just…killed him."

"You saved my life, man." He mumbled, shaking his head. I stared back at him, wide-eyed, my body literally vibrating. How was I supposed to answer that? "Pony, we've got to get outta here." He snapped suddenly, reaching down and yanking me to my feet. Without my consent, a cry escaped from my mouth, and my arm wrapped around my ribs. Johnny dropped his arm, hovering a bit. "Pony? You okay?" I had forgotten about my ribs, but the brief flash of adrenaline was gone and the shock was setting in…and shock didn't take away the pain in my side.

"They were going to kill you." My voice was numb as I stared back at him, wondering how he could seem so calm. I felt like I was about to break apart at the seams. But it had been like this before...Johnny had been cool, as cool as Dally and just as tough. I knew what he was going to say next, and I had no answer. I felt like I was living in a film, just going along with the lines I'd been given.

"We need to go see Dally, okay? He'll know what to do. Dally can get us out of this." My heart lurched as I remembered Dally, eyes wide as he watched Johnny die, his hand slamming into the wall, telling me to toughen up so nothing could hurt me when, soon, he would fall apart…when Johnny died. I'd saved Johnny. And probably Dally. I'd just killed someone. For Johnny and Dally. I suddenly wanted to lie down. "Pony, come on!" Johnny was trying to coax me forward, and after a moment, I let him. I'd saved them. Wasn't that all that mattered? I hadn't really thought about what came next.

The walk was excruciating. I wondered how Johnny had managed it before. Had his ribs been killing him too? I hadn't even asked…man I was a shit friend. I glanced over at him now as we walked the familiar route to Buck's. I wasn't supposed to go there. Darry had warned me…heck, so had Soda. When Sodapop told me not to go somewhere, I always knew to listen. Why didn't I feel that way about when Darry asked me not to do something? Because instead of taking it as the advice of a big brother, I saw it as the nagging of a parent? A parent who wasn't even my parent, but my 20-year-old big brother who'd given up everything to make sure this family could stay together. I was a shit friend and a shit brother. The thoughts didn't make me feel any better, but at least they distracted me from the agony in my side, and how every breath seemed to scrape my lungs.

"Pony, you alright?" I supposed I was wheezing. Had Johnny been wheezing while we'd walked all the way from the park? I hadn't noticed. I stopped in the middle of the road, pulling Soda's sweater off. For some reason, my right hand was wrapped around something, and my ribs pulled as I managed to yank the shirt off. "What the heck, man? What are you doing?" He asked, staring at me wide-eyed and confused. I pushed it at him, not caring that we were on the sidewalk.

"You're soaked. Wear that…you'll get sick." I managed, still shaking.

"It's freezing, Pony. You can't just walk down the street without a shirt!"

"Just put it on. Give me your jacket." I ordered, holding out a hand. After a moment, he peeled off the wet denim jacket and I shuddered as I put it on, buttoning it as best as I could one-handed, as my right hand still held something…had for a while. My brain refused to process that as Johnny pulled Soda's old sweatshirt over his head, throwing his wet shirt onto the sidewalk. Then we were walking again, me trying to ignore the freezing material on my skin and Johnny rubbing his hands together, trying to warm up.

"Hey, Ponyboy?" Johnny spoke softly as we walked along the sidewalk, neither of us keeping an eye out for Socs. At this point, if they jumped us, we were dead anyway.

"Yeah?"

"Where did you get that blade? I thought you didn't carry one." I glanced over to find him staring at me, his face confused.

"Ain't mine. It's yours." He paused, his steps faltering for a moment. I just focused on getting one foot in front of the other. My breathing was short like I'd just smoked a full pack while running track. I could almost feel my ribs poking my insides and hoped they'd leave my lungs alone.  
"How did you get my blade?"

"I don't know," I admitted, my voice still flat. "I don't remember. I didn't steal it…I don't think." He seemed even more concerned after that but didn't ask any more questions.

I didn't know why we were going to Dally. Part of me just wanted to see him okay…not torn up about Johnny or pulling kids out of a burning building or lying in a hospital bed. Another part of me knew what he was going to suggest…and I wasn't running. I just wanted to go home. Still, I walked all the way to Buck's with Johnny, letting him knock on the door and standing behind him as the irritating cowboy answered.

"Whatta ya want?" He demanded, looking us over in tired disinterest. In the room behind him, I could hear honkey-tonk music and flinched a bit when someone yelled 'yeehaw.'

"Dally," Johnny told him, speaking above the music. "We gotta see Dally!"

"He's busy!" Like the first time I'd done this, the sounds of people cheering and the cheap music made me want to scream, grating on my nerves.

"Tell him it's Pony and Johnny! He'll come." He insisted. Hadn't I said that before? I smiled briefly at the thought, watching as Buck disappeared into the house. Johnny was still the level-headed one here. There was something in my hand. My brain kept telling me that and I kept ignoring it.

Darry appeared then, bare-chested in only a pair of blue jeans, and I could have cried. He wasn't burned up. He wasn't hurt. He wasn't screaming and hitting walls or pulling blades on doctors. He was okay. I was shaking so hard there was no way I could talk. He narrowed his eyes a bit at me, then at Johnny. "Okay, kids. Whatta ya need me for?" He asked, sounding tired. I wondered at the fact that he wasn't even surprised. Did people often come to him for advice on post-murder escape?

Johnny began explaining. I'd heard it before. Before, I'd looked at him and wondered what Cherry could possibly see in him. Now I was just deliriously grateful that he was okay. When I'd watched him run out of that hospital room, I'd felt a pit growing in my stomach, threatening to rise up and choke me. I'd known that he was going to do something incredibly stupid…maybe even get himself killed. How would the gang survive without Johnny or Dally? Johnny had wanted me to stay gold. Killing someone wasn't gold. But now they got to live. Honestly, I just wanted to hug him, to tell him I was glad he was okay, but he would probably just shove me off and break another rib. Dally didn't really do 'affection.' Not with anyone but Johnny.

Johnny was yanking me inside and I flinched. He muttered an apology, and Dally glanced back at us as he led us into the house, past the crazy partygoers that showed no sign of stopping despite it being almost three a.m. He walked slowly, carefully, and I remembered Tim Shepherd, and how they'd gotten into it. Looks like I wasn't the only one with busted ribs. The Hank Williams music blasted all the way up to the bedrooms, and only after Dally shut the door was it muffled. For a moment, Johnny and I were alone on the bed, him laying back and wishing aloud for a cigarette, and me shaking and staring straight ahead. I was still shaking when Dally came back, letting in the honky-tonk music for just a moment before he shut the door behind him, and my hand was clenched around something. I glanced down, grimacing when I saw what it was.

Dally was throwing Johnny a jacket, and then he followed my gaze down to my red-stained hand. Eyes widening, he swore aloud, grabbing my wrist and forcing me to drop the blade. "What the hell are you doing, carrying that around?" He snapped at me, incredulous as he held the blade up in front of me, so close I could see the dried blood in the dim room. I stared into his face, my eyes meeting his, and thought about drawing him. Dally was the most fun to draw when he was mad. He'd never seen one of my drawings of him. Maybe he'd think they were tuff. I made a mental note to show him…maybe. Or maybe he'd just give me one of those incredulous, disbelieving looks he gave me sometimes, like when I asked him if he'd ever read Gone with the Wind after Johnny and I went to see the movie.

"No, kid, I ain't never read Gone with the Wind." He'd told me, throwing in an adjective before the word 'wind,' changing the title's meaning considerably.

"Ponyboy!" I flinched, my head snapping to the side, and it took a second to realize that he'd hit me. "Hey, snap out of it!" I laughed aloud, unable to help the sound that bubbled out of me. He seemed to consider hitting me again.

"You know you're the third person to do that tonight? No…fourth. I think Randy hit me too." I told him, my voice too high pitched, almost hysterical and louder than it needed to be. I'd been hysterical with Jonny too. I supposed I just wasn't very good at this murder stuff. That thought made me laugh again, but the laughter died when I saw his expression.

"Keep that up and I'll make it five." He threatened, shaking me a little, then stopping when my breath caught, my hand going again to my side, my jaw clenching as I hunched over. I kept forgetting about that. Still, I wasn't about to tell him to stop, like I would anyone else. No one told Dally to do anything. "What's the matter with you?"

"They were kicking him," Johnny told him, filling him in on what had happened to me while he had been drowning.

"They broken?" He asked, gruff as ever, but a bit less violent now. At least he wasn't shaking me anymore.

"Don't know…I think so."

"You and me both, kid." He grumbled, this time touching my shoulder. It was almost comforting. "Why are you wet too?"

"Pony gave me the sweatshirt he was wearing…mine was soaked. That's the jacket I was wearing."

"Yeah? Great. Now you'll both catch pneumonia." He rolled his eyes. Still, I thought he seemed almost approving. Johnny was the only one he really cared about, and I'd saved his life. Maybe that counted for something. "Okay, here's what you're going to do. I got you guys some money, and here's a gun…" He handed it to Johnny, warning him not to point that thing at him, but I knew what he was going to say next. I thought I might throw up. Instead, I shook my head, cutting in when he started to bring up the church.

"I ain't running away." Both Johnny and Dally paused, staring at me.

"What?"

"I ain't running. I wanna go home." I told them, my eyes far off again as I thought of Sodapop, running to me in the hospital…he'd lost his girl and me both, and he'd been crying when he held me at the hospital. Or would be…or would have been. The timeline of this crap was starting to get confusing. I wanted my brothers. That's all I knew. "I wanna go home."

"Ponyboy, we…" Johnny started, speaking carefully, but I cut in.  
"We didn't do anything," I told Johnny simply. He wasn't getting dragged into this. "I did it. I…" I swallowed hard, flinching a bit. "I killed him. I ain't dragging you down with me. Not you either, Dal."

"Those Socs are gonna tell the fuzz who stabbed their buddy, you know that right?" Dallas demanded. I nodded. It didn't matter. I wanted to tell them that. I wanted to tell them that I was just glad they were okay, but I had a feeling Dally might really hit me again.

"I'm gonna head home. Sorry to pull you away from your party, Dally." I told him quietly, managing to get upright, hunching over a little to keep pressure off my side. He shook his head, taking the Lord's name in vain and then doing it again with a few more adjectives thrown in. He usually didn't swear that much in front of us. Still, I knew if I tried it, he'd cuff me one good. For some reason, he cared that I not pick up his bad habits. Maybe Johnny wasn't the only one Dally cared about.

"Look, I'll give you kids a ride back to the house. Your big brother will bash my head in if he finds out I let you walk all the way back, and Johnny, it's too cold for you to sleep outside tonight. Let me go get a car."

I certainly wasn't about to argue. "Thanks, Dal." He swore again on his way out, and Johnny and I listened to his voice as it faded out, getting lost in the racket they called music down there.

"Johnny?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry about what I said before…when we were walking with the girls and Two-Bit. He was right to hit me. That was real shitty and I didn't mean it. I was just…" I didn't want to say embarrassed, but it was the truth. I'd made myself look like a fool in front of some rich girls, and then I'd hurt my friend to make myself feel better.

"It's fine, Ponyboy. You were right, anyway." He told me again, almost sadly. I shook my head.

"No, I wasn't. The gang always wants you around, Johnny. We wouldn't be a gang without you. We're your home…you're always wanted with us." He was silent, staring at me in surprise. That was a lot of emotional talking, even for me, so I shut up and waited for Dally to come get us. No way I was wandering around Buck's place looking for him. With my luck, one of Darry's old buddy's would see me, or someone would report back to Sodapop, and then I'd be in for it.


	2. Explanations

Explanations

The light was on in the living room. Dally parked the car in front of the house, sucking on a cigarette almost desperately and remaining in the driver's seat. I wondered why he was nervous. Wasn't like he'd killed anyone lately…well, not that I knew of. Johnny was the first to climb out of the car, and he offered me a hand up, flinching a bit when I did, my hand going to my ribs. "Ponyboy?"

"I'm fine." I told him quietly. "Come on." I offered, gesturing toward the house. He shook his head.

"I'll be in in a minute." He told me, glancing back at Dally who had been smoking nonstop the whole way over, his jaw clenched. I nodded, then walked up to the house. He probably just didn't want to chance facing Darry if he was mad. Neither of them did. Dallas and Darry respected each other, and they got along well for the most part. Darry didn't tangle with him, but if I came to a fair fight, and it was over me or Soda, Darry could beat him any time. My brother never lost a fight. I felt a thrill of pride at that as I pushed the door open.

Darry was in the same place I'd found him before we'd fought…sitting back in the recliner, eyes wide as he stared up at me. It seemed like it had been so long ago. Somehow my brother looked younger than he had at the hospital. The hospital he wouldn't need to go to. "Pony…" He shot to his feet, but he didn't approach, hands still hanging at his side. He took in my appearance, eyes lingering on Johnny's jacket, which, since I'd buttoned it, covered the bruises that likely were appearing on my sides, but he didn't comment.

"Where's Soda?" I asked, not recognizing my own voice. I wondered how long I had until the fuzz came. How was I supposed to tell them, though? How did I look at my brothers and tell them I'd killed a man?

He spoke nervously…it took me a minute to remember why. To him, he'd just hit me. "He went looking for you…him and Steve. We called Two-Bit too…couldn't get a hold of Dally." He looked closer, narrowing his eyes, then blanching. "Your face...I didn't…"

I realized suddenly that my cheek must already be bruising and I probably had a split lip. I almost laughed again, but I knew it would hurt my ribs. "Wasn't you. Dal hit me." I told him, my eyes wet for some reason. My hands shook at my sides, and standing up straight was getting harder. But the words that should have come didn't, and I stood across from my brother, shaking like a leaf, waiting for him to answer.

"Dally?" He shook his head, obviously trying to put my story together. His eyes were narrowed in concern, his body leaning in like he wanted to come over to where I stood, but he didn't move. I thought back to the hospital and wished he would. I didn't care if it made me sound like a baby. I wanted my brother to tell me it would be okay. "Are you alright? Why did Dally hit you?"

"I…I don't know." I admitted, knowing I sounded like a crazy person and not caring. My head felt foggy, and I blinked a few times, trying to focus. "Don't you have work in the morning?" He ran a hand through his hair, looking helpless and a little hurt. Immediately I realized how that sounded. "I'm sorry…" I swallowed hard, not surprised when that hurt too. "I…I screwed up. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have fallen asleep…I didn't mean to worry you." I was choking on my words, my voice dying as I felt my eyes heat up, tears dripping down my face. In my head the images wouldn't go away…Johnny dying. Dallas racing out of the hospital. I wondered if I'd ever forget something that hadn't actually happened. I felt like a real baby now, bawling about a fight with my brother when I'd just killed a man. "I'm sorry, Darry. I…" He moved forward, wrapping his arms tightly around me, and my aching ribs sent stabs of white-hot pain through my chest. I sobbed into his chest, trying to ignore the pain, my fingers gripping the back of his shirt. It was worth it, I told myself. Johnny was safe. But now I had to explain before he police got here.

"I'm sorry too, kiddo." He told me softly, one hand on the back of my head. I supposed my hair was still reddish brown and long…and then I wondered why I was thinking about my hair of all things. At least his grip had eased up a bit. "I didn't mean to hit you…I'd never hurt you, Pony. I wasn't thinking…"

I barely heard him. I knew that already. My brother loved me. It was a reassuring thought as I tried to figure out the best way to break the news. "We weren't doing anything." I insisted, shaking and sobbing as I held my brother for dear life, as though the police couldn't get me if he was holding me. He had to know. I had to tell him. "I swear, Darry, we were just walking. And they…they were going to kill him."

"What!?" He tried to pull away but I shook my head, not caring how much my ribs hurt. The door opened then, and I managed to stop crying, taking deep breaths despite the pain. "What are you talking about Pony?" Glancing back, I saw Johnny come in, pale and shaky, looing between the two of us warily, his own eyes wet. Behind him, Two-Bit entered, staring at me in relief.

"The hell, kid." He sighed, crossing his arms as he looked at Johnny who moved over to drop onto the couch, then at me. Johnny was still damp, his hands shaking as he pulled out a cigarette that Two-Bit must have given him, but knowing that Darry didn't like smoking in the house he didn't light it. Darry kept his hands on my shoulders, looking between Johnny and me. "What happened to you two?" Two-Bit asked, looking solemn and tired. "Dally's outside in some car, smoking like a chimney, and you two look like you've seen a ghost…" I met Johnny's eyes and knew I blanched when he did. Johnny opened his mouth, but I hurried on.

"They were drowning him. I…they were killing him. I couldn't…I…there wasn't time…"

"Pony, what happened? Start at the beginning. Where have you two been?" Darry spoke slowly, pulling away, his hands on my shoulders as he held me an arm's length away, looking frightened now as he leaned in to look me in the eye. Two-Bit moved over, arms crossed, the rare serious look still on his face.

"We were at the park…" Johnny spoke up, shaking his head and clenching his hands into fists. "Pony came to the lot…said you…" He broke off, looking away from Darry uncomfortably. "Said you guys got into it, and he wanted to cool off before he went home. We were walking around the park…and some Socs found us. The ones that were with those girls…Bob and Randy and that gang." Two-Bit nodded, glancing at Darry and explaining.

"When I got to the movies, I found Pony and Johnny with some Soc girls. Dal had been…well, being Dal, and then he left them there. We offered the girls a ride home, and their boyfriends came along and let us know the score. The girls didn't want a fight so they went with them."

I took over then, my hands still shaking, but my brain was detached somehow, as though I was watching someone else tell the story. "They attacked us. Some of them had me on the ground…and Bob and some of the others had Johnny in the fountain. The Socs were kicking me…I think they broke my ribs. I couldn't fight them off." My voice sounded numb again, and I stared blankly ahead as I tried to tell him the whole story.

"What? You..." He looked down at my side in concern, a hand going to the hem of the jacket, but I blurted out the words before he could touch me.

"I killed him." It hurt just to say, and I felt my face crumple as the words escaped, sobs breaking through my words. Darry froze, and I heard Johnny take in a sharp breath at the words. I wondered if he was crying too. It would have made me feel a little better about blubbering over it. Two-Bit closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and dropping his chin to his chest. "I'm sorry…I didn't want to. Johnny was going to die. I had to save him. Darry…" He shook his head, mouth opening and closing like a fish, then pulled me close again, his chin on my head, more careful about my ribs this time.

"It was my fault!" Johnny put in shakily, and I knew his eyes were wet too. "We should have stayed at the lot…or just come back here."

"It was my fault, Johnny. I fell asleep…I came home late and fought with Darry. I stabbed him!" I was babbling, my voice almost hysteric. My brother led me over to the couch, helping me sit and then joining me, arms around me as I shook. "I had to…" Darry held me for a long moment as my voice died off. In the middle of the room, Two-Bit stared at the three of us, jaw clenched and eyes grim.

"Okay…okay. It'll be okay, Pony." Golly that felt good to hear. It didn't matter if it was true. It was like someone was pulling a weight off my chest…or part of a weight. My big brother knew what to do. "What about Dally? You said he hit you…you guys went to him?" He asked quietly after a moment.

"We went to Dally for help." Johnny continued our story, sounding as numb as I felt. "We thought…we thought he'd know what to do. He wanted us to run away…" Johnny trailed off, glancing up at me as I fought to get my breathing under control. "Pony said no…said he wanted to come home. Dally offered to drive us here."

"Okay. You two, stay here, alright?" He asked, moving hesitantly away, hands up as though we still might bolt. Johnny nodded. He'd never disobey Darry…especially after hearing that my brother had hit me. Of course, Darry would never hit Johnny, but I couldn't exactly explain that now. I thought of the future…of seeing Johnny in that hospital bed…watching him die, and felt my eyes heat up again, dropping my face into my hands. Honestly, I was so relieved. Johnny wasn't going to die. But I had to wonder what would happen to me now. Would they take me away from Darry? What about Soda? "Two-Bit?"

The couch dipped between us, and I felt a hand on my back. "Yeah, I got 'em." I had no idea where my brother was going, and I didn't ask. Instead, I focused on the hand that stayed on my back.

"Johnnycakes, you hurt?" Two-Bit asked quietly. I wished he'd crack a joke.

"Just wet." He admitted, laughing weakly. "It was Pony they beat up."

"Yeah, and drowning ain't no fun either. We'll get you something to change into in a minute. I'm sure Pony has something you can borrow. Is that Sodapop's shirt?"

"Pony gave it to me." I felt Two-Bit nod beside me, releasing a long breath.

"How are those ribs, kid?" He wanted to know.

"They hurt like hell." I told him simply, wishing for a cigarette. Darry didn't like smoking in the house, though, and I wasn't about to start another argument with my brother. Until this was over, I wasn't arguing with my brothers about anything. "You sure you're alright, Johnny?" I asked, unable to stop picturing the fire…how he'd fallen under that beam. The burns…I shuddered. How could that have happened…and at the same time, it hadn't?

"Yeah." He muttered, looking over at me. We both sat hunched over, but it was killing my ribs, so I eased back, flinching as my back hit the couch, my hand going to my side. I exhaled shakily as I remembered the rumble…Steve had broken some ribs in that fight. Maybe there wouldn't be a rumble now. Looks like I'd saved Steve some pain too...I wondered if he'd thank me. The thought almost made me smile, and I felt like my thoughts were splintering off, not making any sense anymore.

The door was suddenly thrown open, and Dally entered, his voice too loud. I wondered absently when I had developed a headache. "Why the hell does everyone keep asking me? I ain't never murdered anyone before, Darry. How would I know what to do? I already told them they should skip town, but the kid won't…" Darry cut him off, voice too soft and sharp for me to hear. Dally glanced over at Johnny and me, swearing loudly…then swearing again. I must have paled at his words, and I knew Johnny was on the verge of panic now that it was all catching up to him. Darry was staring at Dally, jaw tight, and kept glancing over at where the three of us sat. Muttering curses under his breath and using them in ways even I had never heard, Dallas moved over to where we sat, dropping into the recliner. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and stared at me seriously.

"You didn't murder him, kid. It was self defense, okay?" I glanced up at Dally, my head back on the cushions. Darry sat on the arm of the sofa, hand going to my shoulder. I managed to nod. Dally knew what he was talking about…he knew all about crimes. "The fuzz'll probably show up in the morning. You'll get hauled in for questioning…both of you will." He looked at Johnny, then. "Just tell the truth, but not to them. They'll give you a lawyer since neither of you can afford one. You gotta tell 'em you want a lawyer." He reached into his pocket, placing the blade, dried blood and all, on the table. Darry's eyes widened.

"Pony, that isn't yours." Dally paused, and all eyes were on me.

"It's Johnny's." I told them before Johnny could speak up. It was important Johnny and I get this lie straight, as it made no sense otherwise. I glanced over at my friend. His face was unreadable. "I was looking at it when we were walking to the park…put it in my pocket. Just forgot to give it back. I forgot about it…since I never carry one. I remembered it when they kicked me and went after Johnny." Dally nodded, his eyes thoughtful. I wondered if he actually believed me. I was a good liar, but Dally was better.

"What happened to the other Socs?" Two-Bit wondered. I had to think he meant to chase them down…the others would probably do it another night. My friends were nothing if not loyal. Maybe there would be a rumble after all. I wanted to throw up at the thought. I didn't want another fight. Not now.

"They ran off when I stabbed Bob." Darry squeezed my shoulder, the pressure gentle and reassuring.

"Okay…" My brother looked over at Dally for a long time, then nodded, as if to himself. "Okay." He said again, this time sounding more sure. He had a plan now. "Johnnycakes, go take a hot shower. You must be freezing." His voice was strangely gentle…or maybe my brother had always been gentle with Johnny. I suddenly couldn't remember. Blinking a few times, I tried to focus once more. "We'll find you something to wear. You guys can all stay here tonight." Two-Bit nodded, and Dal leaned back in the recliner, watching us with apparent disinterest. I wondered, not for the first time, if it was just a mask.

Johnny stood hesitantly, encouraged by Darry's nod, then headed into the bathroom. After a second, I heard the water turn on. "I'll go find him some clothes." Two-Bit offered, and Darry thanked him quietly as our friend headed into Soda and my room.

"Pony, I'm going to grab the first aid kit. I think we have some bandages…and I can get you some ice for your ribs." I nodded, not moving as he hesitated, watching me as he stood. "I'll get you some aspirin too." I didn't comment, and he left the room, heading to the kitchen.

"You're freaking him out, kid." I looked up at Dally. He had the same look on his face as right before he'd hit me...kind of concerned and confused, but mostly fierce and almost angry. I wondered what he had to be angry about. I brought my tongue up to the place where he'd split my lip, flinching a little, then closed my eyes.

The door was thrown open, and I heard Soda's voice call out. "Darry, we couldn't find him! Did you get a hold of…" There was a long pause. "Pony! You scared us to death! Where…" And then his arms were wrapped around me as he bounced on the sofa. As happy as I was to see Soda, his exuberance was agonizing. I swore when he hugged me, trying to shove him away, and I heard Dally snap at him, something about broken ribs as the older man yanked my brother off me. I clenched my jaw, head thrown back as I wrapped an arm around my side, gasping for breath. "Pony?" Soda was beside me again, this time his hand on my shoulder, and Darry knelt in front of me, eyes wide and almost frightened. Dally was back in the recliner, eyes pointed skyward as she shook his head.

"'m fine." I managed. "Sorry, Soda." Getting my breath back, I smiled weakly at my brother, who was as pale as I probably was. In the corner of my eye, I saw Two-Bit leaning on the back of the recliner where Dally sat. Dal glared up at Two-Bit when he found himself being pulled backwards but didn't say anything.

"What happened, Pony?" I looked up and noticed that Steve stood behind Soda, looking exhausted and…well, concerned. I figured I had to have been seeing things. Steve didn't give two shits about me. He was probably just mad that he'd been woken up to look for me around town at 3 am.

Telling Darry had been one thing. But Sodapop…I didn't know if I could do it again. I opened my mouth, glancing over at Dally who rolled his eyes. Should have known I wouldn't get any help there. "Let me get some ice on his ribs first, Pepsi cola, then we'll talk." Darry put in, placing the first aid kit on the table by the couch and digging through it to find the bandages. I assumed I had a cut on my face, because he brought a hand up to my cheek, then cleaned it with a wipe. On the table was a cold pack he'd filled with ice. "Jacket off, kiddo." I nodded, reaching up and unbuttoning the front, revealing bruises I'd felt but not yet seen. Soda grabbed the jacket, helping me ease it off, and dropped it on the floor.

Two-Bit whistled lowly. "Damn, kid. Looks like you got his by a truck."

"You should see the other guy." I replied automatically, then flinched at my own choice of words. Dally snorted, swearing again and closing his eyes. Soda, noticing the expression on my face, touched my shoulder as Darry placed an icepack against my side and told me to hold it. I hissed at the cold, but it did feel nice. In the bathroom, I heard the water shut off.

"Who was it?" Soda demanded quietly, eyes cold. I wondered how long it would be before him and Two-Bit and Dally were dragging Steve along for revenge.

"Socs." I told him simply, suddenly drained. I let my eyes close as Darry placed a bandage on my cheek, then leaned back against the sofa once more. Two-Bit could fill him in on the rest…he knew who the Socs were as well as I did.

Darry handed me a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. "Two, Ponyboy." He reminded me, and I obeyed. Two probably wouldn't touch this kind of pain, but I didn't much care. Just wanted to sleep. He took the bottle and the empty glass back a second later, his hand ruffling my hair. I remembered how he'd hugged me at the hospital and felt my throat tighten. I took a deep, shaky breath, and he rested his hand on my head.

"Darry?" Soda's voice was soft…worried. Darry must have gestured for our brother to follow him to the kitchen, because they both stood, and Two-Bit was beside me again. I heard someone drop onto the sofa on his other side, and guessed that Johnny was back. I peeked one eye open and confirmed it.

"You sure you're okay, Johnny?"

Johnny snorted. "Don't know why you keep asking me, Pony. You're the one they wouldn't stop kicking."

"You're the one they almost drowned." I retorted dryly, and Two-Bit sighed.

"Know what you two need? Supervision. Constant supervision." He told us. Dally murmured something like 'tell me about it.' Then Two-Bit leaned in. "They bust your lip, too?" He wondered.

"No, that was Dal." Two-Bit snorted, looking over at our buddy in the recliner and shaking his head.

"'Course it was." He ruffled my hair. The quiet voices in the kitchen suddenly stopped, and I closed my eyes. I wondered briefly if they would just let me sleep. "What'd you do that for, Dal?"

"Thought the kid was losing it, man." He explained simply. "I was trying to snap him out of it."

"Always helping, that Dallas Winston." Two-Bit joked, and I smiled a bit while the voices in the kitchen went suddenly from indiscernible whispers to slightly louder ones. I didn't want to catch any of their words. I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't help it.

"What are we…Darry, he's fourteen!" I heard Soda snap, sounding both terrified and furious as I caught every few words. I wondered if Steve was in there too. He'd probably think it served me right, getting into trouble like this. Or maybe I was being dumb…maybe Steve didn't hate me as much as I thought he did. I cracked an eye open and found Dally's eyes on me, narrow and critical. Glancing around, I couldn't find Steve, so I figured he wasn't in the room. Maybe he was with Soda and Darry in the kitchen. I shifted, holding the ice pack against my side, then removed it and held it out to Dallas.

"Yours are busted too," I told him simply, tossing it to him. He shook his head, tossing it lightly back so that it landed in my lap.

"Nah, man. Not as bad as yours. Keep that ice on 'em." He ordered, shifting in the recliner and watching the door. I wondered if he was watching for the fuzz. He knew more about this than I did, but I couldn't get myself to ask him. Instead, I tried to go to sleep. It sort of worked.


	3. Repercussions

Repercussions

I must have dozed for a while, because the next thing I knew, Soda was talking, and it sounded like he was next to me. I cracked my eyes open and found that my head was on his shoulder, his arm around me holding the ice pack in place as best he could from that angle. Dally's eyes flashed to me, but he looked tired. On the floor, Two-Bit and Steve lounged against the wall, between me and the door, their heads against the wall. Steve had his eyes closed, but Two-Bit played with his switchblade. Both had mugs of what I assumed had been coffee on the floor beside them. Johnny was on the other side of Soda, his head against the back of the sofa. Apparently, he'd fallen asleep too. "The kid's up." Dally informed everyone. Soda glanced down at me, his eyes underscored by shadows.

"How you feeling, Pony?" He asked, his tone soft and sad, but he was trying to smile. I'd disappointed him. That stung worse than anything. Not meeting his eyes, I shrugged.

"'m okay." I mumbled. It was a lie. My lungs were on fire, and it felt like my ribs were stabbing me...I'd never had broken ribs before, so I had no idea if this was normal. I shifted against him carefully, my head nuzzled against his neck. "What time is it?" I wondered.

"Almost five." Darry answered, coming in from the kitchen with two mugs of coffee in hand. He handed one to Dally who nodded his thanks and another to Soda. Turning back, he grabbed another and drank from it, standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Had I really been sleeping for two hours? Once he drank some of the coffee, he sat on the arm of the sofa, his hand touching my head again. He was about to speak when there was a knock on the door, making everyone jerk to attention…except for Johnny who remained where he was, eyes shut. I closed my own eyes, telling myself that I wasn't about to start blubbering in front of the guys. So I was getting arrested. Dally got arrested about every week, and they'd hauled Two-Bit in more times than I could count. Okay, so we mostly stayed out of serious trouble…Darry stood, squeezing my shoulder one last time then headed over to answer it. Dally sat up, arms crossed, and Soda nudged Johnny awake. His eyes opened just as we heard Darry open the door.

"Yes? Can I help you?" He asked in his serious, professional adult voice. I'd heard it for the first time after the funeral, when he'd told the people from the state that no one would ever take his brothers away.

"Hello. We're here to speak to Ponyboy Curtis? We were also looking for Johnny Cade…is he here?" The man said my name like a question, over-pronouncing each syllable. I started shaking. I couldn't help it. Soda squeezed me carefully.

"It's gonna be okay, Pony. Alright?" Johnny sat up straight beside my brother, eyes wide as he watched the door.

"I'm Ponyboy's brother and his legal guardian. They're both here." Darry told them. I didn't know if him being my legal guardian mattered but it was good to hear it said aloud anyway.

"Don't talk to them, Pony." Dally reminded me quietly. "They'll get you a lawyer…probably a shitty, bottom of the barrel public defender, but at least it's a lawyer. Talk to him. Okay? Johnny, same for you. We'll all be telling the same story." We both watched him, but neither responded. "Okay?" Dally snapped, leaning in. I nodded, the action hurting more than it should.

"Okay." My voice was strange and hoarse. Soda squeezed me, his head against mine. Everyone was watching the door as Darry stepped back, letting the two police officers in. Both were tall, big men, and I gripped Soda's shirt. One of them looked over at Dally, lifting an eyebrow in a way that reminded me of Two-Bit.

"Ponyboy Curtis?" One asked, looking straight at me. I fought to make my face neutral, to look tough. I had to look tough. Darry had his worried eyes on me, and Soda continued to hold me at his side. I nodded, not trusting my voice at the moment. "Johnny Cade?" Johnny sat up, looking them in the eye, tough as Dally. I was proud of him. He didn't give away how scared he was. Still, I was embarrassed that I was cowering beside my brother. "We're going to need the both of you to come with us." Neither of us responded for a moment.

"Dallas, do you need to come too?" One of them asked, looking over at Dally who grinned, pulling himself to his feet.

"Eh, why the hell not. I ain't got nothing better to do. Come on kids. Let's go get a tour of the police station." He held out a hand for me, and I gratefully took it, flinching and holding my side as I stood. Somehow, my ribs felt worse. The police officer said something about questioning…it sounded like I wasn't actually being arrested, but I was too scared to ask. Instead, I watched as one of the cops grabbed his handcuffs from his belt.

"Hey! Wait a minute. You don't have to cuff him." Darry pleaded, stepping forward. They watched him closely as though he might attack. "He has broken ribs. He can't fight, and he wouldn't anyway. He'll go with you, no trouble."

"Ponyboy Curtis, you have the right to remain silent." The cop went on, apparently ignoring my brother and stepping forward, putting a hand on my shoulder and turning me around. When he pulled one arm behind my back, I gasped, nearly doubling over, and he must have taken this as some form of resistance, because he was none too gentle with my other arm. I didn't listen to what they were saying anymore, nor could I see what they were doing to Johnny, but I assumed it was the same. Vaguely I wondered if they would cuff Dally too, but the next thing I knew, I was being led forcefully out of the house. The only people I could see on my way out were Steve and Two-Bit…they stood near the wall, their eyes glittering with fury as they watched the fuzz take us away.

"Don't you worry Ponyboy." Steve told me, right as we reached the door, surprising me. Behind me, I heard Johnny shuffling forward too. Strangely enough, Dally wasn't making a fuss. Maybe he was used to this by now, or maybe he just didn't want to hurt our case. "You neither, Johnny. We'll make sure this gets straightened out." Shuffling forward onto the porch, then down the stairs, I tried to remember the last time Steve had used my actual name. Then I remembered him asking me how it felt to be a hero…a big shot. I certainly wasn't either now.

The police cars were parked out front, and I glanced around to find most of our neighbors leaning out open doors or watching blatantly from the porch. Some seemed upset, others just curious. I looked back down at the concrete under my feet as I was led to the car in the back hoping that Johnny or Dal would at least be in the same car. I hated having everyone see this…I wanted to scream that it was self-defense, but Dal had told me not to talk and I wasn't about to argue. The cop at my side, short-haired with old acne scars on his chin, put pressure on my head after he opened the door, urging me to sit. I tried to do so carefully, jaw clenched as I was pushed into the seat. For the first time, I remembered that I wasn't wearing a shirt, and I was kind of cold. I wished I had Johnny's jacket again, even if it was damp.

When I was finally settled in the seat, the door slammed shut, I took a gasping breath, head back against the headrest. My head was swimming, and I wasn't getting enough air. Soon, the other back door was opening and Johnny was pushed into the seat beside me. I smiled weakly at him, but he looked worried. "Pony?" He asked while my brothers came out, talking urgently with the police. I thought I saw Dally's head in the cop car in front of us but I couldn't really tell.

Sitting with my hands held behind me wouldn't have been comfortable without the busted up ribs. Now, it was almost unbearable, but leaning forward was proving impossible. "Ponyboy?" Outside I saw my brother pull out his keys and head to the truck while Soda hurried after him. I hoped they were coming to the police station. Two-Bit stood in the doorway, arms crossed, eyes dangerous. He looked mad and dangerous, almost like Tim. He could be pretty scary when he needed to, even though he preferred goofing off.

"Can't breathe real good like this." I answered Johnny's silent question, my breathing back to the wheezing it had been when we'd been walking to Buck's. I didn't want to beg with the cops to let me out, even though I was starting to feel claustrophobic. I had to pretend to be tough.

"They shouldn't have cuffed you." He told me simply, shaking his head. That was all we said, as at that moment the front door opened and one of the cops climbed in behind the wheel. I wasn't surprised when the man only glanced at us before pulling away from the curb. The last thing I saw was Two-Bit, glaring out at the world, looking just like he was going to make someone pay for this. And he probably would…probably the Socs that had attacked us. I didn't know if that would help though.

No one spoke until we got to the police station. I wished I had the nerve to ask the policeman what was going on…what we were being tried for, or if we were just being questioned. I didn't know much about what happened after you got caught committing a crime. Dally had never talked much about this part…he'd focused more on jail. I glanced out the window when we pulled up, and the cop got out of the car, walking around to Johnny's side and getting him out first. Ahead of us, I watched them walk a familiar blond into the station, his hands cuffed behind his back. He looked around and scowled at everyone, rolling his eyes skyward as though he couldn't believe how stupid everyone was. It was an expression he'd perfected.

Once another cop grabbed Johnny and led him in, the same officer opened my door. "Up you go, kid." He grabbed my bicep and pulled, and I bit back a cry, not wanting to look like the weak one. Johnny was cool as anything, and Dallas was…well he was Dallas. I wasn't about to act like a baby, even if it did feel like my ribs were constricting my lungs and my chest was killing me. I managed to pass it all off as a cough and followed the man where he led me, my legs struggling to keep up.

I was left in what I assumed was an interrogation room…a cold one. The chair I was in was against the wall, and my hands were still cuffed, the metal cold against my bare back. There was a chair beside me, and two across from me. Other than me, though, the room was empty, and I struggled to find a position that didn't kill my chest. It felt like forever passed before a cop finally came in. "Ponyboy Curtis?" I glanced up at him, then nodded, ignorign the way he stumbled over my name. "Do you know why you have been brought in for questioning?" I shrugged. Dally had told me not to talk. "You, along with Johnny Cade, are suspects in the murder case of Robert Sheldon." That was no shock to me, and I didn't let any emotion onto my face. I hoped it unnerved him.

"I want a lawyer." I told him simply, refusing to say anything else. The rest of my concentration went into breathing. It was starting to get old, this constant pressure on my chest.

"What do you need a lawyer for, Ponyboy? Only guilty people insist on lawyers. Are you guilty?"

"I ain't talking to you without a lawyer."

"Fine. But we already talked to your buddy, Dallas Winston. He's spent plenty of time here with us…he already ratted you out. Told us all about you…even handed over the knife you used." I wanted to laugh. The thought that Bob had come back to life, dug his way out of the ground, and walked over to the police station to point his finger at me was more likely. Dal wouldn't rat out a member of the gang if his life depended on it.

"I want a lawyer."

"I heard you the first time." He snapped, leaving the room and slamming the door. I slumped in my seat, sighing and then wincing when it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I must have been in there for at least another half hour when the door opened and a short man, shorter even than me, with glasses and a goatee, entered the room.

"Ponyboy Curtis?" I nodded hesitantly. He pronounced my name like someone who knew me, not like the strangers, or new teachers at school who said it like a weird question. I was immediately inclined to listen to this guy. "My name is Marvin Brown. I'll be your public defender. I will also be representing Johnny Cade." He started to reach out a hand to shake, but frowned when he saw my arms behind my back. "Mr. Curtis…"

"Ponyboy." I corrected, not wanting to think of my father right now. I couldn't even begin to imagine how my father would react to this. The guy didn't look like any lawyer I'd ever seen, but I'd only really seen them in movies, or the one old man that was with the state. His goatee and thick, short hair were a sandy brown color, and his eyes were small behind the thick glasses. Still, he seemed friendly enough as he smiled at me.

"Of course. Ponyboy, I've read the basics of your case." He was carrying a tan leather briefcase and placed it on the table, sitting across from me. "You're fourteen, correct?" I nodded and he scanned the paper. "As a minor, would you like to have your guardian…um…Darrel Curtis, your older brother, present?" My eyes widened. I hadn't known that was an option.

"Yeah. Can he come in?" I asked, not caring that I didn't look tough, asking for my big brother.

"Of course. I will be right back. I'll also see if I can get them to uncuff you."

"Thanks." I mumbled as he left.

This time I was only alone for a few minutes when Darry hurried into the room, moving over to the seat beside me and putting a hand on my shoulder. "Pony? You alright?" He demanded, sounding angry and afraid. He pulled off his jacket, draping it over my shoulders as best as he could, and I smiled in thanks. They kept it cold in there.

"This is killing my ribs." I admitted, shifting a little in the chair. He kept the hand on my arm when the lawyer returned, a police officer in tow. He glared at me, hand on his club, and I shrank back a bit, not able to help the reaction.

"You try anything, kid, I'll put you straight in a cell. Do you understand me?" He demanded, withdrawing a set of keys. I nodded, started to stand when he yanked me to my feet. I had a feeling these cops just liked being rough with greasers, even fourteen-year-old ones with broken ribs. I closed my eyes when my hands were finally free, moving them slowly to my sides, then sitting gingerly. Darry was watching the cop like he might kill him.

"I'd like a moment with my client, officer, if you don't mind." Marvin told the officer with a smile that made him look like Two-Bit…cheerful and knowing he could get away with something. The officer grunted and left us alone.

"Pony?" Darry asked, hand back on my shoulder. I gave him the best grin I could manage, but it must not have been convincing. "He doesn't need to be moving around like this, and he didn't need to be cuffed in the first place!" Darry snapped at the lawyer who nodded.

"I agree fully, Mr. Curtis."

"Darrel." My brother insisted, and the lawyer glanced between the two of us, smiling faintly.

"Alright. As I was telling Ponyboy, I have the basics of the case in front of me. Ponyboy is suspected to have murdered Robert Sheldon, a senior at his high school. Johnny Cade, who I will be speaking to next, is suspected to be an accomplice, and they probably want to charge Dallas Winston as an accomplice as well."

"Dal wasn't even there!" I snapped, speaking up for the first time, and Darry squeezed my shoulder, not mad but comforting. Marvin made a note, nodding.

"Alright. Ponyboy, why don't you tell me everything that happened that night? Once I speak with you, Johnny, and Dallas, I'll have you all make a statement to the police and answer their questions, with myself present of course. I nodded.

"Okay." I hesitated, glancing at Darry, then looking at Marvin who had a legal pad in front of him and seemed poised to write. "Um…I went to the movies with Dally and Johnny." I started, making my voice steady as I went back to the beginning. "We met some girls there…one was Bob's girlfriend. The other was Randy's…he was another one of the guys. Dally left us there…"

"Why did he leave you there?" The lawyer cut me off, watching me intently.

I thought carefully about that answer. It wasn't like Dally had committed a crime. Still, I didn't like ratting him out about that. Instead, I gave a half shrug. "He and Bob's girlfriend didn't get along. He was trying to talk to her, and she called him a hood and threw a drink in his face. He got mad and stormed out." I told him, giving an abbreviated version. From the look on Darry's face, he could fill in the blanks. The lawyer nodded, continuing for me to go on. "Um…then Johnny and I sat with the girls. We were watching the movie and talking, since we were the only ones there. Our friend came along then, and…"

"Which friend?"

"Two-Bit…um…Keith. Matthews." I told him. "He watched the movie with us, then offered to give the girls a ride home, since their boyfriends weren't there."

"Did the girls say why they were there alone?" I felt like hitting myself. Of course that was important.

"Yeah. 'Cause Bob and Randy and their friends were drunk, and the girls didn't like it. So they left and went to the movies alone. When we were walking them to Two-Bit's truck, their boyfriends pulled up and called us bums. Told the girls to come with them. They were still drinking."

"Bob…Robert Sheldon?"

"Yeah."

"How many of them were there?" The lawyer wanted to know. He wrote furiously, and I noticed that Darry, too, was listening carefully. I'd told him most of the story, but he hadn't got many details…even when the other things had happened…when I'd run away, I hadn't gone into details like this. Heck, my brothers had barely gotten any of the story, what with all the reporters clamoring around and Johnny in the hospital.

"Bob and Randy, and they said they had three more in the back seat." I thought of Two-Bit's response and almost smiled. He wasn't scared. "They acted like they wanted a fight, but the girls asked us not to, and they left with their boyfriends. Then Johnny and I went to a lot near our house and I guess Two-Bit went home."

"Okay." The lawyer nodded. "What time was this?"

"Um…nine, probably. Or ten. It was getting late and I should have gone home." I admitted, staring down at my hands in my lap. My side didn't hurt as much with my hands not pinned behind my back, but it still hurt something awful. I focused on the story, not on how it hurt to breathe. "Johnny and I sat down and ended up falling asleep. I woke up…after one a.m. I guess. When I got home, Darry told me it was almost two in the morning. He…he was mad. Him and Soda were worried about me."

"I'm sorry….Soda?" Marvin interrupted, looking between us.

"Our middle brother's name is Sodapop." Darry informed the lawyer simply.

"Okay…continue."

"Right. Sodapop and Darry were upset. So Darry and I argued…we were yelling and I got mad, so I stormed out." I wasn't telling anyone that Darry had hit me. No way. I hoped he wouldn't either. I glanced over at my brother to find him still staring at me, but I went on. "I ran back to the lot…to Johnny, and told him I wanted to run away. I didn't mean it." I hurried to explain. "I was just mad. So we walked over to the park."

"Why was Johnny still in the lot?" He asked. I paused, looking over at Darry warily. He answered for me.

"Sometimes when his parents fight, Johnny sleeps at our house, or in the lot by our house." Darry explained.

He wrote something else down, and I continued. "I just wanted to cool off before I went back home. I wasn't carrying a blade. I knew Johnny was, though, and I asked to see it. I just wanted to look at it. I was playing with it when we walked around the park. I guess I must have stuck it in my pocket…I forgot to give it back because Bob's car pulled up…or it could be Randy's. I don't know."

"Why would you put the blade away instead of using it to defend yourself?" He wanted to know. He didn't sound accusing…more curious than anything.

"I was afraid that if I pulled a blade on them, they'd do the same. I didn't want to fight anyway. I knew Johnny and I couldn't take them by ourselves Anyway, they all got out…" I was fuzzy on this part. How had it happened? If I was the one on the ground…had Johnny taken my place and called them white trash? I decided to be vague about the words. "They were mad we'd been walking with their girlfriends. There were five of them. They called us trash, and we insulted them too, and then they attacked us."

"Did any of them have blades?"

"Not that I saw. Bob and Randy grabbed Johnny and said they were going to give him a bath. The other three grabbed me, I guess…I can't remember that part really well. They got me on the ground and were kicking me."

"Thus the bruises?" I nodded.

"One guy told me to stay down…I don't know if I passed out or anything…I just rolled over and saw them holding Johnny down in the fountain, pouring beer on him and holding him under water. They said he was greasy and he needed a bath. I…there wasn't time to run for help, and I couldn't have fought them all off…I just remembered the blade. I had to save Johnny. They were killing him. Then they would have killed me." I believed that. I believed it with everything in me, and even though my only objective at the time had been to save Johnny, I didn't want to die either. Darry squeezed my shoulder, looking grim. I wondered if he was regretting not coming after me...or maybe he was still thinking about how he'd hit me. I didn't blame him, not anymore. We'd probably have to talk about that some time.

The lawyer nodded slowly, looking back and forth between my brother and me. "So you did stab him?" He was asking gently, like he was afraid to upset me. I nodded.

"I stabbed him in the back." I whispered. "The other guys ran." I wanted to lay down. I just wanted to crawl into bed and forget what I'd done. But I had to continue…had to explain why Dally was involved. "Johnny was scared…I was too. He wanted to go to Dally and ask what we should do. I just…went along with it. I was too scared to call the police or anything…I didn't know what to do."

"Why Dallas Winston, if I may ask. What made you go to him?" The implied question, of course, was why didn't I got to my brother, or better yet, the police.

"Dally's older…he's been in trouble with the fuzz…the cops before. We knew he'd help us. So we went to Buck Merril's place…there was a party there that Dal mentioned he wanted to go to. He took us inside and…before he could suggest anything, I said I wanted to go home, so he gave us a ride."

"Why did Dallas have the knife I'm assuming Bob was killed with?"

"When we got to Buck's place, I was still holding it. I…I don't know why. I was just…"

"In shock?" The lawyer supplied. I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess. He took it from me and told me to snap out of it when we got to Buck's. Never gave it back." I shrugged. "I wasn't really thinking about it at the time. When he took us home, I told Darry everything and he made me ice my ribs and let Johnny take a shower. None of us have been anywhere since."

The lawyer nodded slowly, putting his pencil down and looking up at us. "Thank you, Ponyboy. I believe you have a solid case for self-defense. We might even be able to get the charges dropped." He watched me carefully, glancing over at my brother. "I am going to speak to Johnny, then I'll talk to Dallas. Once I get their stories, we can start giving your statements."

Darry thanked him, his arm moving around my shoulders and staying there, and I put my head against his chest as the lawyer left. "How you feeling kiddo?"

"Like I want to lay down." I admitted. He rubbed my back, nodding.

"I'll bet. We'll get you in a bed soon, okay?"

"You really think they'll let you take me home?" He was quiet for a moment, as though remembering what had happened…where we were.

"I'm going do my best, and so is that lawyer, and Dally, and Johnny, to make sure we do."

"And if you can't?" He sighed, rubbing circles on my back.

"We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, okay Pony?" I nodded, closing my eyes and resting against my brother's shoulder, falling asleep for the second time in a few hours.

"Hey, kiddo, wake up." I blinked slowly, flinching at the twinge in my side when I moved. It was worse…my breath catching as I tried to sit up. I must have moved in my sleep, or maybe moving while waking up had did it. It felt like I'd only been asleep for a few minutes, and the room had no windows so I couldn't tell if that was true or not. "You okay?"

"Hm…what time is it?" I mumbled, trying to catch my breath. It wasn't working. Darry had a hand on my shoulder, helping me sit back. On the table in front of him was a half-empty cup of coffee.

"Um…around noon." He told me, glancing at his watch. "We've been here for a few hours now. I guess the lawyer is talking to the cops. One of the cops gave me some coffee but they haven't been back since. I think someone's coming now though." I heard other voices in the hallway approaching and looked up to find the door to the interrogation room opening. I tried to sit straight up, but it still wasn't working, and I ended up doubled over, holding my side tightly, wheezing instead of breathing. "Pony?" At that moment, our lawyer entered the room with Johnny and Dally.

"What's wrong with him!" Johnny demanded as soon as he saw me, and I heard the clink of metal. It wasn't fair that they'd cuffed Johnny and Dally too. I coughed before I could voice that opinion, or tell them I was okay, and the pain made me gasp aloud, Darry's hands on my shoulders the only thing keeping me from toppling.

"The kid needs to be in the hospital, not sitting here answering stupid questions!" Dally snapped, and Marvin came closer.

"Ponyboy? Are you alright?" He asked calmly, crouching down in front of me, but when I looked into his eyes they were sad.

"Can't breathe too good." I managed to answer, closing my eyes and focusing on that instead of the black dots appearing on his face. I wasn't getting air. That had been true for a while, but now I really wasn't getting any air. I fought it, gasping while Marvin stood and Darry moved to his knees in front of me, holding me up.

"Hey! We need help in here now!" Our lawyer shouted, banging a fist on the table hard, and the cops were immediately opening the door. I wondered how the fuzz would feel if I died in their interrogation room, the morbid thought making me want to smile, but I couldn't quite manage it. "We need an ambulance. His ribs are broken. You knew that, and you cuffed him anyway. Now he can't breathe." The lawyer was accusing now, his voice hard and cold. I wondered if he was ever a greaser like us. He could sure act like one, angry and fierce and mean sounding. Maybe Dally could be a lawyer one day. No judge would ever dare rule against him.

"Pony, they're calling an ambulance okay?" My brother's voice was tight...controlled. He was trying not to let on he was scared.

"Sorry, Dar." I would be putting him through this after all. I thought of Johnny for, probably, the hundredth time just since stabbing Bob...thought of his body in a hospital bed, how he'd looked when he'd died. I didn't want to die, but at least I'd saved Johnny.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, kiddo. You're going to be fine." Darry sounded both incredulous and a little angry, but I knew it was because he was scared. He was kind of like Dally…they hid fear behind anger. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry he had to go through this after all…that he would have to come to the hospital and worry about me again, but it wouldn't make any sense to him because he didn't remember. None of them did. It hadn't happened.

"Johnny, you okay?" People were talking but I knew my friend would hear me.

Johnny sounded both exasperated and frightened and I hated that he was so worried. "Man, I don't know why you keep asking me that. I'm fine…it's you…" I didn't hear the rest. I'd saved Johnny and Dally. At least if nothing else worked out, I'd done something good. Dally wouldn't lose it if I died. Closing my eyes, I let the black dots cover my vision and felt my brother try to hold me up right before everything went dark.


	4. Awakenings

Awakenings

The beeping confused me. I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not, but if I was, it was an awful boring dream. I stood in the church with Johnny, reciting that poem. He grinned over at me, not saying anything, and I was glad he was my friend. Then we sat on the ground and played poker. He was winning. He usually won when we played, and it was how I lost most of my cigarettes. Thankfully, though, Two-Bit was always willing to swipe me a new pack. But breathing kind of hurt, so I thought maybe I should cut back anyway. Johnny looked up, nodding as though I'd spoken aloud.

"You smoke too much, Pony. You'll never be able to run track this year if you don't cut back." His voice was dreamy and far off. Hadn't I said that? I remembered wrestling with Two-Bit for some reason, and then Two-Bit was standing in the church. That didn't make much sense because Two-Bit had never been with us in the church when we'd run off…actually, I thought he'd gone to Texas to find us.

"Two-Bit's in Texas." I reminded Johnny, and for some reason, it took a lot of effort to talk. Johnny laughed but it sounded like Steve.

"Hear that, Two-Bit. You're in Texas."

"Kid's having some weird dreams," Two-Bit told Johnny, and then the dream was fading. I was glad. That church reminded me of the fire, and the fire reminded me of Johnny dying. I looked over at Johnny who was counting his new cigarettes.

"Johnny? Are you okay?" I asked, needing to hear his answer. He grinned up at me.

"Man, why does he keep asking me that?" Johnny must have been talking to Two-Bit who was fading by the second.

"Is Dally okay?" I asked instead. I remembered his hand slamming against the wall…how he'd left me at the hospital.

"I'm fine, kid. How about you worry about yourself?" I stared at the doorway in confusion as the church seemed to disappear. Dally stood next to Two-Bit, arms crossed as he leaned on our friend. He didn't look mad though. He was relaxed, his grin almost sincere.

"Why?" I asked. He snorted, rolling his eyes but not answering me.

"Is he awake?" That was Soda, and I looked around wildly for my brother, suddenly remembering that I had to get out of that church. But where was Johnny? And those kids. Did we get them out?

"He's talking in his sleep." I didn't see Steve anywhere but that was his voice. "Kept asking if Johnny and Dal were okay. Earlier he told us Two-Bit was in Texas." The church disappeared fully then, and I was alone in a field, staring at the sunset. Hearing my brother had reminded me of what I had done…that he was probably disappointed in me. I had killed someone.

"You gonna wake up anytime soon, kid?" I frowned over at Steve who was suddenly staring at the sunset too. I didn't hear anyone answer, so I figured he must have been talking to me.

"What do you care?" I grumbled. He turned to me with wide, surprised eyes.

"Kid?" I didn't bother answering him again. "Kid, you awake?" But I was lost in that sunset again. It was amazing…the colors washing over me as I stared at the orange and yellow and pink…someone was with me, and I remembered that I needed to check on Johnny. Had he been hurt?

"Is Johnny okay?" I managed to ask. Would Steve know? I couldn't see him anymore but that didn't seem to matter. How long ago had Steve been with me?

"What does he keep asking that for?" I didn't know if that was Two-Bit or Dally…couldn't remember the difference in their voices at the moment. Whoever it was was speaking quietly, but they sounded close. Still, I couldn't see anyone.

"Dally," I explained, staring at the colors that swirled around me. I was leaning on the railing of our porch...but my chest was pressed against the rail too hard and it hurt. I couldn't move though...I tried to ignore it.

"What about Dally, Pony?" One of them wanted to know. I turned to the person beside me, but in the fading light, I couldn't make them out.

It was so hard to talk, but I had to explain this! It was important for some reason "He'll lose it if Johnny dies, and we'll lose both of them." I don't know how I knew this. I just did. "He won't mind so much if I die." I was too tired to talk anymore, so I watched the sun drop out of sight and was left alone on our porch. That was fine with me. And then I was at Johnny's bedside.

I hadn't wanted this…I cried out in shock, jerking away. "Johnny?" I whispered it, or maybe I thought it. He was dead. Dally had left and Johnny was dead and I dropped to my knees, sobbing. He'd died, with just Dally and me with him, and he was gone. My best friend was gone and it was my fault.

"What's the matter with you?" I turned to Steve who stood in the doorway to the hospital room, not caring that he saw the tears dripping down my face. Didn't he see Johnny!? Didn't he understand?

"My fault." Talking was hard. But I managed. "He died because of me."

"C'mon, kid, wake up." He was watching me, jaw tight, eyes sad and uncomfortable. He looked tired, and I wondered what he was even doing here.

"Johnny?" I asked, hoping he understood. He didn't. He looked at me strangely then, head tilted, eyes narrowed in confusion. I looked down only to find that Johnny was gone…we weren't in a hospital anymore. How had we gotten back to my porch?

"What? No, it's Steve." Someone touched my shoulder. "Wake up, Ponyboy." Suddenly I understood what he was saying. Wake up…I was asleep. But it didn't feel like I was asleep. Still, I made an effort.

My eyes snapped open and I was staring at a white, unfamiliar ceiling. The beeping that had been ever-present in my dreams was still there, and I glanced over at the heart monitor that had sped up a second ago, probably when I'd woken up. "Kid?"

"Hm?" I mumbled, turning my head carefully to find none other than Steve Randal sitting in the chair beside me. Had he really been talking to me?

"Glory, kid. Thought you'd never wake up." He looked strangely relieved, and my mind struggled to put the pieces together.

"You told me to," I mumbled, flinching at my dry throat. He paused, seeming confused, then snorted.

"Yeah, kid, yesterday." I frowned, trying to sit up, but he shook his head, looking alarmed as he held out a hand. "No no, don't move. You just…stay. Okay?" He put a palm up like he was training a dog, but I was too tired to make a smart remark. "You want some water?" I watched him for a moment, trying to make sense of the situation. Still, he looked serious, so I nodded.

"Yeah," I answered slowly, and he reached over to pour me a cup from the pitcher on the table, then handed it to me. I took a few sips, then let him take it from my hand and put it on the table before I dropped it.…my hands shook from just the effort of holding the cup for a few seconds. "Thanks."

"Sure, kid. I better get the doctor…tell him you're awake." So far, Steve had seemed relatively nice…I dared to press my luck.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, kid?" He asked, turning from where he'd started for the door. Why did he look so tired?

"What happened?" He frowned at that.

"You passed out at the police station. Those idiots should have taken you to the hospital…heck, we probably should have before the fuzz ever showed up. You couldn't breathe right, and them cuffing you didn't do anything to help. The doctors had to do surgery. One of your ribs nicked your lung, and another one was pressing on them." He stood patiently, as though waiting for me to ask another question, but I was so, so tired…instead, I just let my head fall back and fell asleep, this time not dreaming at all.

"Pony? You awake?" I wasn't…but I was getting there. "C'mon, kiddo, it's not fair. You woke up for Steve." I shifted, eyes moving in the dark as I tried to remember how to open them. That was Sodapop.

"Soda?" I was slurring my words, which I hoped Darry didn't hear because he might assume I had been drinking. But that didn't make sense. I wasn't drinking…I was asleep. At least, I thought I was.

"Yeah, Pony. Open your eyes, honey." I tried…really, I did. I felt Soda touch my hair, his fingers brushing my forehead.

"Guess he likes me better." I grimaced at Steve's voice, and Soda laughed aloud before calling to me again.

"Pony?"

"Yeah?" I mumbled, finally managing to open my eyes. "What's the matter?" He laughed quietly, his hand brushing back my hair. I was still in the hospital.

"You've been asleep for three days, Pony. Thought it was time you woke up." I looked around the room and found Steve sitting on a chair by the door. Beside him was Two-Bit, but he was asleep, head back against the wall.

"I thought I woke up a little while ago?" I tried to lift a hand to rub my eyes, but flinched when it pulled something sharp.

"Hey, don't move around too much, Pony. You've still got an IV." I looked down at my hand and nodded, shifting a little and trying to sit up. He put a hand on my shoulder and moved a pillow behind my lower back. "You woke up when Steve was here yesterday. How do you feel now?" I wondered briefly why Steve was there yesterday, but I didn't bother asking. Instead, I tried to figure out how I felt.

"Um…" I put a hand on my ribs, flinching a bit. "Sore. Thirsty."

"Yeah, I bet. You had to have surgery…scared Darry to death. Me too. Dally told me you couldn't breathe…said you passed out before the police could question you guys." He grabbed me a glass of water then continued to run his fingers through my hair and I took a long drink before he took the glass back.

"I told the lawyer everything."

"Yeah, that's what the guy told me. Marvin. Some name, huh, kiddo?"

I grinned. "Yeah. Why can't people name their kids something respectable? Like Sodapop?" He chuckled, ruffling my hair and leaning back. He was acting real casual, but his eyes were bright and relieved. "Is Two-Bit okay?"

"Just worried about everybody, aren't ya, kid?" Dally appeared then just as he had in my dream, leaning in the doorway and smirking as usual. But he didn't look mean. Just amused. "Kept asking if Johnny was okay, and when he finally told you he was fine, you start asking about me." I frowned…that sounded vaguely familiar.

"Two-Bit's just tired. We've all been taking turns living here for the past couple of days." Soda answered for him.

"Where's Darry? And Johnny? Is he still at the police station?" I asked Dal, eyes widening in worry. Surely he hadn't been left alone there.

"Naw. They dropped the charges. Between our stories all matching up, the Soc that told the police whole story, the Soc girls that stepped forward and testified against their boyfriends, and you being beat to hell, they decided it was self-defense. Johnny was released the day after you ended up here. Kid's fine. He's sleeping at your place. We made him go home when he fell asleep standing up."

"We'd been taking turns staying with you." Soda told me. "We all came today since you were starting to wake up, but Darry's at work. He stayed home for the last few days, but his boss wasn't giving him any more time off, so he had to go in this morning. He was pretty tore up."

"Tore up doesn't even begin to describe it." Steve put in. "Told us we'd better not leave your side, that you weren't to be left alone. Superman's having a rough time of it, kid." Steve wasn't accusing me. It kind of took me by surprise that he was still being civil. On one hand, I was grateful, but on the other, it kind of put me on edge.

"What about those other Socs?" I wondered, hoping this wouldn't lead to a rumble anytime soon.

"The Socs have been leaving us alone," Dally informed me, dropping into a chair. I was kind of surprised that Dally was sticking around. He usually wasn't one for prolonged hospital stays or waiting rooms, but he seemed right at home in that plastic chair. He pulled out a cigarette and started to offer me one.

"Dallas I swear, you give him a cigarette, and you'll be the one in the hospital bed." Dally scoffed but seemed more amused than angry at my brother. I didn't mind much though. My chest wasn't feeling too great, probably because of the surgery, or maybe I just needed more rest, and a cigarette at that point might have killed me. "As far as I'm concerned, they leave us alone, and we'll leave them alone." My brother told me simply. "I ain't looking for any more trouble for a while. And you'll be lucky if Darry lets you out onto the porch." He was smiling again, but despite his relief, he looked real scared.

"What's wrong, Soda?" I knew my brother. I knew him better than anyone, even though Johnny was a close second. Something more was wrong than he was letting on.

"You scared the crap outta me, kid." He admitted quietly after a long pause, ignoring the others in the room. Steve looked down at his fingernails and pretended to be engrossed by them, while Dal focused on his cigarette. It was good of them to let Soda talk to me like this without ribbing him, and I was glad I had such a good gang of friends…and that all of them were okay. "After they took Darry back to see you at the station, I headed back to the house, figuring it would be a while and they wouldn't let me see any of you. Around noon, Dal called me from the station…Darry was with you in the ambulance. Steve and Two-Bit hunted down those Socs." I looked over at Steve with wide eyes.

"We didn't kill them or nothing." He grumbled, rolling his eyes. "Just convinced them to come forward…tell what had really happened. The girls too…but we just talked to them. They knew Two-Bit, but he sure scared them to death. Had his switch out and everything." I couldn't imagine that…couldn't imagine Two-Bit going up to two Soc girls and pulling a blade. I didn't think he'd ever cut a girl, but he sure could be scary if he needed to.

"Anyway, I was at the house by myself with Dal called. Said you passed out…that they'd cuffed you and you couldn't breathe. When I got to the hospital, Darry was in the waiting room…man he was messed up, Pony. Couldn't even tell me what had happened. Said you quit breathing…the nurse said they almost lost you in that ambulance. Like to kill Darry." I felt bad then. He'd had to go through all of this anyway, and this time he'd had to watch me get hurt. I wished he was there with us, but I figured he'd be back after work. "We had to wait for five hours before they'd let us see you." He kept his hand on my head.

"I'm sorry." I managed lamely, not knowing how to made him feel better. He grinned weakly.

"Wasn't your fault. Those idiot cops were manhandling you from the get-go, and I know that couldn't have been easy with your ribs. You were real tough though. Dar said you didn't complain once." I didn't know if he meant it, but it made me feel good to hear my brother tell me I was tough. I could almost forget that I'd killed someone a few days ago.

Everyone was quiet for a minute, and Soda gave me another drink of water. Finally, I cleared my throat. "So…when can I get out of here."

"Yes. Under ten minutes! Two-Bit owes me five dollars!" Steve pumped his fist, slamming his elbow against the wall, then moaning low in pain, grabbing his arm and rocking back and forth a little. Soda laughed aloud, head thrown back, and I joined, in, flinching when it agitated my ribs. Even Dally chuckled, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Two-Bit jumped upright in his chair at the noise, eyes wide open.

"The hell…" He looked over at Steve in confusion, then turned to me. "Oh…hey kid. Good to see you up."

"Hey, Two-Bit."

"They had a bet…how long it would take you to ask when you could go home." My brother explained, and Two-Bit lifted an eyebrow at Steve, then turned to me.

"Really, kid? You couldn't have waited a few more minutes?" He wasn't really upset about the money though. His eyes were light and easygoing…but not bloodshot. It seemed like he was sober. I didn't ask though…didn't want to offend the guy who'd been sitting at my bedside while I was sick. Seemed kind of ungrateful.

"I would have, if you'd have told me about the bet," I told him with a grin, and he rolled his eyes, pulling out his wallet and digging out a few dollars, balling them up and throwing them at Steve.

The guys stayed for quite a while. Steve and Two-Bit pulled out a deck of cards, and we all played a round of poker with cigarettes. Soda lent me some to bet with, but warned that I wasn't to light one for at least a week. If I knew my brothers, it might be longer. This had really freaked Soda out, and I felt bad, so I knew I wouldn't argue about the smoking thing. I didn't think I'd try arguing with my brothers for a long time anyway. I thought of Darry's hand hitting my face, of running…of the fire. Nothing was worth that.

"Pony? You okay?" I looked up to find everyone watching me, but Soda looked worried.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You sure? You look kind of tired...you want to rest some more?" I shook my head.

"Nah. I'm fine." I grinned and then lay down my cards. Two aces. "Also, I win this round." He snorted, pushing the pile of cigarettes toward me as Dal swore good-naturedly.

"We're gonna have to start taking the kid to Buck's with us…you can help us hustle some games," Dal told me with a smirk and I glanced over at Soda whose eyes were closed.

"Don't even think about it." He warned, but I nodded real quick toward Dal, and he laughed. By the time Soda had looked back at me, I was counting my cigarettes. Of course, I knew better…the fact that they hadn't chewed me out for going there already was a miracle. Plus I hated that place with the country music and drunks and people taking drugs I'd never even heard of.

Finally, though, Steve had to go to work, and Two-Bit was bumming a ride with him. They'd both skipped school, I guess. Both told me to get better, and Two-Bit stopped to ruffle my hair, something I couldn't stop because I couldn't get out of bed nor could I wrestle with him. I settled for glaring and he only laughed. I made a mental note to get back at him later. Shortly after they left, Dally stood, stretching with his arms in the air, the picture of nonchalance. "Guess I'll head out. See if Johnny wants to head to the movies or something. See you later kids."

"Thanks for coming, Dal." I don't know what made me say it…it was a bit out of character but I meant it. He gave me a considering look before nodding and swiping as many cigarettes as he could carry in one hand from the bed. Lifting a hand in a casual wave, he headed out the door. Soda snorted and smacked halfheartedly at him as he left.

"See you, Dally." He called, then crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. "How you feeling, kiddo?" He asked quietly.

"I'm alright. Kind of tired." I admitted, rubbing my chest.

"You need more pain meds?" I shook my head. He was quiet, watching me closely for a minute.

"Hey, Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"I…um…I'm sorry."

"What for, Pony?" He asked, leaning in.

"I shouldn't have fought with Darry…I shouldn't have been in the park that night."

He shook his head. "Ponyboy, you couldn't have known…"

"I stabbed someone, Soda," I whispered the words, peeking up at my brother. "I…killed him." Soda sighed softly, reaching out and touching my arm. To my embarrassment, my eyes were heating up and I wiped at them hurriedly. He shifted forward in his seat.

"Scoot." He told me softly, and I did, letting him sit beside me on the bed. His arm looped loosely around my shoulders and I leaned on his chest, breathing carefully, both because it hurt my lungs not to and because I didn't want to start bawling.

"I thought…I thought you would be…" He rubbed my shoulder, his cheek against my hair. "…mad. Disappointed." I admitted softly, making myself say it.

"You saved Johnny's life, Ponyboy. He's alive because of you. I couldn't be disappointed because of that. I'm sorry they put you in that position…I'm sorry I didn't run after you." His voice was quiet and choked then. "I should have gone after you. Darry didn't mean to hit you, but he shouldn't have done it anyway, and I shouldn't have let you run off alone like that. I should have been with you."

"I couldn't let them kill Johnny." I choked out, clutching his shirt, and he rubbed circles over my back.

"Of course you couldn't." For a long moment, I stayed in his arms, then felt my eyes get heavy. Soda leaned back, shifting and continuing to rub my back. "You need rest, kiddo."

"I just woke up," I grumbled, and I heard the smile in his voice when he answered.

"Yeah, I know." I didn't hear the rest of his retort, as the next thing I knew it was Darry's voice filling the room.

"He okay?"

"Yeah. He was awake a while ago…he was wondering where you were. The guys were here, but he fell asleep right after they left."

"That's probably for the best. He needs to sleep." I felt a hand ruffle my hair, and Soda began rubbing circles on my back again. "Did the doctor say anything?"

"He came in before Pony woke up and said he's looking better, but I think his chest was hurting when he woke up. He didn't say anything though…the doctor will want to talk to him." There was a quick pause, and I heard Darry sit down. Soda shifted, and I fought sleep, trying to hear them. "I told him about the case…told him they were dismissed it since they finally decided it was self-defense. Don't know why they couldn't have figured it out before he ended up in here."

"It certainly would have been nice," Darry grumbled, sounding tired. I blinked a few times against Soda's shoulder, waking fully and wondering how long I had been asleep.

"Dar?"

"Hey, Pony." Darry smiled, leaning in and ruffling my hair. For a moment, he rested his hand on my head. "How do you feel?"

"Fine," I answered automatically; ignoring the reproving look he gave me. "When can I go home?"

"As soon as the doctor says so." He told me sternly, squeezing my shoulder then sitting back. "And not a minute sooner."

"How's Johnny?" I asked softly, and a strange expression passed over my brother's face.

"He's fine, Pony." I couldn't stop picturing him in that hospital bed, covered in burns…I shuddered. "What's wrong?" Darry asked me quietly. He kept talking quietly, his voice gentler than I could ever remember, except maybe in the police station. It reminded me of the hospital…the other hospital. Of Darry's arms tight around me, telling me he thought he'd lost me like he had mom and dad. It was the most emotional I'd ever seen my brother. This was a close second but in a different way. He was quiet about his panic, the fear in his eyes repressed. It worried me.

"Nothing. Sorry I scared you guys." Darry frowned, disapproving.

"That wasn't your fault. You don't have to be sorry."

"Do I have to talk to the police again?" I asked in a small voice, hating that the thought kind of freaked me out. If it meant Johnny got to live, I told myself it was worth it. It was all still worth it.

"No." He spoke firmly. "The case was dismissed. You aren't in any trouble and you don't need to talk to the police." Soda squeezed me more tightly to his side, and I tried not to think about the fire…the church…watching my best friend die. It hadn't happened. It never would.


	5. Two-Bit's Methods

Two-Bit's Methods

I didn't have any brothers by blood. Just a mouthy, red-headed little sister who looked up to me and thought I was the funniest guy in the world. But when I was nine, my mom had decided that it was time we started going to church for a while, and there she'd met Mrs. Curtis. Not surprisingly, it hadn't been little five-year-old Ponyboy Curtis that I'd wanted to play with right off, but where Sodapop went, little Pony followed, just like that sheep in the nursery rhyme, no matter how Steve tried to shoo him off. Gradually, over numerous play dates and sleepovers, as we'd grown up a little and met Dally, a real-life tough hood from New York, and Johnny, the same size as Ponyboy and just as in need of protection from the mean, older rich kids, I'd realized that Ponyboy Curtis was one of my favorite people to hang out with.

A little while after my dad had split, he'd gone with me to the movies, handing me a soda without saying anything and just sitting with me for an hour in the parking lot while I pretended not to cry. More than once he'd backed me in a fight, usually as more of a distraction than anything, as I had to watch him and my back, but it was nice all the same. I'd taught him poker (and how to cheat at it,) pool (also how to cheat at it) and, secretly in the empty high school parking lot, how to drive.

Then, after his parents had died, I'd returned the favor, and in that same empty movie theater parking lot, he'd admitted that he was scared Darry wouldn't want to keep him. He couldn't talk to Soda about this stuff, since his brother was having a real hard time of it, but I'd offered to adopt him if it came to it, and he'd laughed though his tears like I'd hoped. He'd looked at me then, sad and grateful, and not for the first time, I'd thought that he was my little brother as much as Susan was my little sister.

It wasn't all the strange to get phone calls or random visits from the gang in the middle of the night. So when Soda and Steve had showed up at my house after trying and failing to call (little sisters aren't great at delivering phone messages when they're woken up in the middle of the night), I hadn't been too worried. But one look at Soda, pale and shaky, and I'd immediately thought of Ponyboy.

"Where's the fire, folks?" I'd asked, wiping sleep out of my eyes and motioning for my sister to go back to sleep. She had after another long look at the door, and I hoped she wouldn't tell our mom. I didn't want to worry her.

"You seen Pony?" Soda had asked, breathless. I'd glanced at Steve only to find him with that fake uninterested look he always had when it came to Soda's kid brother. For the life of me I didn't know why he didn't like the kid…but the two had a kind of familiar love-hate relationship, and I figured it wasn't much my business as long as Steve wasn't being outright mean to the kid. Usually, when Soda heard it, he put a quick stop to it, but when his big brothers weren't around, I'd step in, mostly with a joke and a look the kid didn't see.

"Not since we walked back from the movies." I'll admit, I hadn't totally slept off all those beers, but I was close to sober, and this was doing a good job of sobering me up the rest of the way. "Why?"

"Superman hit him, and he took off." Steve answered me. I'd been kind of surprised at that one, and immediately I found myself getting mad a Darry. I knew he had it rough, taking care of two kid brothers and running a house and working so much, but the kid already thought his big brother hated him. I'd been shocked to hear it, but Ponyboy was being honest, up until he'd snapped at Johnny and I'd found myself belting him one in the face. Still, he knew I didn't hate him. In fact, it was rare that I got on him at all unless he was being mouthy. But Darry was always on him.

"I'll check around." I'd assured them, planning to look up Dally, and maybe even Tim. Both were out and about that night, but after pulling shoes on and running around, it had been a surprise to find Dally in a strange car, Johnny on the porch, both smoking their lungs out.

"Been looking for ya,' Dal." I'd greeted warily. He'd looked pissed, while Johnny just looked terrified. "The kid with you two?"

"He's inside." Johnny had told me quietly from where he stood against the railing, the cigarette falling from his fingers and onto the concrete where he snuffed it out with his shoe, and I'd followed him into the house to figure out what exactly was going on. It was too early in the morning for this shit.

Coming in after the kid had run off in the middle of the night to find him crying in Sodapop's arms would have been worrying, but coming in to find him crying into Darry's arms, especially after learning that he'd split because Darry had hit him, was downright scary. Of course, then the kid had gone on to explain why he was crying in Darry's arms, which had made it all a lot worse.

"Two? Two-Bit?" I couldn't believe they'd taken the kid. I couldn't believe they'd handcuffed him, ignoring Darry's almost plea that he had broken ribs, and walked him out the door. I felt my blood run cold as they pushed him into the back of the police car. He was looking at me. Soda and Darry were in the truck already, getting ready to follow the police to the station, but I felt frozen to the spot. I couldn't think of a single joke about this. They'd just arrested Ponyboy, the kid who might as well be my little brother, and Johnny. Because Pony had killed someone…because that someone had almost killed Johnny.

I didn't blame the kid. If I'd found them in the park, drowning Johnny and breaking Pony's ribs, I would have stabbed someone too. But Ponyboy was 14. Even if those idiots did realize it was self-defense, what was to stop them from taking the kid away from his brother. Darry would fall apart if that happened. I knew how much he loved the kid…how much he always had, even back when it wasn't cool to hang out with your kid brothers. Pony was the baby of the family, and Darry and Soda couldn't lose him.

I glanced over at Steve to find that we were alone in the house. Dal, Johnny, and Pony were being driven away by the cops, and Darry and Soda were right behind them. I caught Ponyboy's eye one last time. He was petrified, a word he'd taught me. Wide-eyed and pale, he looked about twelve. Too young to be in the back of a police car with his hands cuffed behind his back. He didn't even have a shirt, and the whole world could see his black and blue torso. I hoped he could see how mad I was…that this wasn't a joke. I was going to figure this out. His brothers had to be there with him, but Steve and I were free to have a chat with a couple of Socs.

"Let's go." Steve considered me for a long moment, and heaven help me if he said a word about not helping the kid, or about Pony being a 'tagalong brat' I swear, I would have knocked his block off. But he only nodded, grabbing his jacket and following me out the door, keys in his hands. He'd promised the kid too, I realized. He looked just as mad as I did, and as the line of cars disappeared, he jumped into his car, me dropping into the passenger seat, and we headed for the other side of town. Sodapop was his best buddy, and Ponyboy was Soda's little brother. Sure, Steve could rag on the kid all he wanted, but the second someone outside the gang tried it, Steve would rip them apart.

We ran into Tim first. He and a few of his gang were in the park, loitering and staring at the fountain where Johnny had nearly died. Steve pulled off the road, and I jumped out of the car before he had a chance to put it in park. Tim scared Ponyboy. 'Course, the kid would never admit it, but I'd seen it when he'd come into the theater, looking for Dally. Pony had slouched in his seat, barely meeting the hood's eyes. Tim didn't much care…he liked his rep as much as Dal liked his own, but I knew he liked the kid fine, since his brother Curly and Pony liked to pal around sometimes, and he respected Darry, said he was doing a good job with his kid brothers. He'd also seen Pony in rumbles and knew the kid was a good fighter.

"The Curtis kid do this?" He asked, gesturing to the fountain that was wrapped in yellow police tape.

"They were drowning Johnny," I answered shortly. "Those Socs jumped 'em…it was five on two, and the Socs were drunk. 'Sides, you know how small those two are." Tim held up his hands, looking vaguely amused.

"I say good for him. That'll teach 'em to stay on their own side." I doubted that but it didn't matter.

"You seem 'em? Randy and his gang? Or those broads we were with last night?" Steve finally approached, having parked the car, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked just as mad and freaked out as I felt. Tim finally seemed concerned.

"Nah, not this morning. Why? Those kids okay?"

"Pony's got broken ribs. Johnny's just shook up…but the fuzz showed up this morning and hauled them and Dally into the station." He swore, sounding like Dally for a minute. Then again, those two were cut from the same cloth. "You know as well as anyone that kid wouldn't hurt anybody unless he had to. He saved Johnny's life."

"Sounds like self-defense, no questions asked."

"Yeah? You forget the kid's a greaser?"

"Naw." He shook his head. He knew as well as I did that no judge would ever believe a greasy JD over a football playing, scholarship-winning Soc, never mind that Pony watched sunsets and dug poetry and skipped a grade in school. Never mind that he loved his big brother and was one of the fastest runners at our school and wasn't even old enough to like girls yet… never mind that he cried in a parking lot on my shoulder when his parents died because he was scared to upset his brothers even more. He put grease in his hair and couldn't afford nice clothes, so he was a murderer to those people. "He's a good kid…one of the best we've got in this town," Tim mumbled.

"I'm gonna find those Socs, and I'm gonna make sure they tell the truth about what happened last night," I told him simply, dead serious for the first time in a long time. I didn't like it much, but it would get the job done.

Tim nodded, not saying a word but watching me closely, and he and his gang joined us, jumping into their own cars, and it was less than an hour later that we found Randy and one of the guys from the last night, looking more and more nervous as more and more greasers poured from the three cars. They were looking around the empty lot where they'd been talking while we approached, probably hoping one of their buddies would show up, but there were eight of us and two of them. The area wasn't exactly empty, but we were still close enough to our side of town that everyone kept their mouths shut. We weren't going to hurt them much anyway. No use in getting ourselves in trouble too. Ponyboy needed my help, Johnny too, and there wasn't much I could do for him from the inside of a jail cell.

Tim and one of his group grabbed Randy's arms, not giving him a chance to run, while two more got his friend, a kid named Mike. They were both around seventeen, and I'd seen them in school before. They usually didn't bother us too much…their pal Bob was another story. Steve and I kept an eye out for Pony and Johnny as best we could at school, and I'd sometimes skip class to join them in the library while they did work, but Bob picked at all of us whenever he could, whether we were in a group or on our own. Once he'd cornered Johnny outside the bathroom, and Steve and I had thrown him into a locker, getting one good punch in apiece before the teachers had shown up. He and Pony were easy targets…they were both small and quiet, and wouldn't pick fights or yell back if someone messed with them, but I knew both could fight just fine if they needed to.

I thought back to that night as Tim put an arm around Randy's throat, squeezing just a little. Pony was the only one who regularly didn't carry a blade. I'd tossed him a broken bottle, knowing he wouldn't use it, but wanting him to have some way to defend himself if it came to a fight and I couldn't manage to keep an eye on him. Knowing what I did now, I had a feeling that, had Johnny and I needed him to, he would have cut up a Soc with that bottle before letting them hurt us.

"This here's Tim," I told Randy quietly. "He's a buddy of Ponyboy's. Johnny too." It didn't matter that this wasn't strictly true. Tim wouldn't let some Soc mess with a greaser kid, no matter who the greaser was unless they'd really pissed him off. Pony was quiet and respectful towards Tim, and Dally looked out for him, which was enough for the hood with his arm around the Soc's throat.

Tim leaned in, squeezing even harder and making Randy gasp for breath. "Heard you like ganging up on kids." He snarled, and I reached into my back pocket, pulling out my favorite blade. Pony had been real impressed when I'd…acquired it. He knew better than to try stealing like I did though. He was too smart for this place. "Thought we'd give it a try."

"That kid killed my friend!" Randy snapped, trying to elbow Tim, but Tim's buddy, a tall, wiry guy named Charlie, slammed a fist into his stomach, quieting him down. I'd once seen Charlie beat a guy half to death at a rumble, laying into him long after the rest of us were done. I was glad he kept his cool then.

Steve had a blade out, knuckles white as he clutched it, pointing it right at the Soc's nose, the tip just scraping the skin. "I ought to gut you for messing with those kids." My friend sneered. "Instead, I'm gonna make this real simple, so's even you can understand. You dig?"

"Nod," I suggested when Randy just stared at us. He complied. I hoped he was as scared as Pony had been that night, surrounded five to two as someone kicked his ribs in. I hoped he was as scared as Johnny had been when Bob had held him under the water, trying to drown him.

"You're gonna go to the fuzz, right now. Hell, we'll drop you off if you need a ride, since we're feeling so charitable. You're gonna go in that police station, and tell the police exactly why you decided to jump two kids last night, and just what that buddy of yours was doing when he got stabbed in the back. You've got one hour. Savvy?" I glanced between Randy and his friend, eyebrows raised, and Randy nodded again.

"See that? Looks like our buddy Randy here has a brain after all." I smirked, lifting an eyebrow. Tim let him go, and I grabbed his collar before he could step away, my knife touching his stomach. "And Randy? You ever touch those kids again, and you'll be seeing dear old Bob again real soon. Got it?" He nodded. "Good." I let him go, but changed my mind at the last second, slamming a fist right into his stomach. "What about you?" I asked Randy's pale, shaking sidekick as his buddy doubled over, coughing and gagging. He nodded, and I wondered if he'd pissed himself…I sure hoped so. "Alright. Looks like we all understand each other."

Back at our cars, Tim watched me closely. "Anybody else?"

"Randy should spread the word to his friends. Just keep an eye out? Make sure they're at that police station before their hour's up?"

"Sure thing." He nodded, reaching out and shaking my hand seriously.

"We appreciate it, man." Steve put in, shaking his hand as well.

"Tell Sodapop and Darrel to holler if they need anything. Those kids too. You two headed over to the station?"

"We got one more stop to make," I told him, waving as we climbed into the car.

The girls were harder to track down. If they'd have been at their houses, we'd have been out of luck, but after circling the town for about an hour and a half, we found them. They were both at the drug store, standing by a tuff little Sting Ray and talking, heads together. Cherry's eye were red, and they widened when she saw Steve pull in right behind her car, blocking them. I held my switch in my hand, ignoring Steve's warning look. Threatening two Soc guys with a blade was one thing, but these were girls. I didn't like it much, but I'd do what I had to, and hope my mom and sister never found out.

Cherry's eyes went straight to my blade, and Marcia, the girl I'd been chatting up last night and who'd given me a phone number, went pale, her hand touching the car to keep herself upright. Steve climbed out of the car, slouching beside me. He didn't pull a blade, but he still made himself look plenty mean. 'Course, neither of us would hit a girl, but they didn't know that. "We heard…about Ponyboy. And Johnny." Cherry was the brave one. I thought of Ponyboy, shaking at Sodapop's side and trying so hard to look tough. I didn't care how brave she was anymore.

"You hear your boyfriend nearly drowned Johnny? You hear that yours kicked Ponyboy's ribs in?" I snapped, looking between the two, the knife clutched in my hand. We were around the back of the drug store, and no one was around yet, but I knew we didn't have much time. "Now the fuzz has Pony and Johnny locked up in the station. They wanna charge 'em with murder." I didn't know this for sure, but I had a good idea. Once more, I was glad Dally had gone with them to the station.

Cherry paled, her hand covering her mouth, and Marcia closed her eyes, dropping her head. Neither had wanted this, I was sure. That didn't matter though. When they looked back at us, both had their eyes trained on my blade. I felt a little sick then. I had two girls backed up against heir car with a knife. I imagined someone doing this to my sister, and I knew I'd kill any guy that tried it. I lifted the blade anyway, pointing it at them and making my eyes cold like Dally. "We already talked to Randy. He and his buddies are going over to the police station…they're going to tell the fuzz everything that happened."

"You threaten them too?" Cherry snapped, glaring at me now.

"Me and some pals," I told her. "Be glad I didn't bring those pals here. They ain't nearly as nice."

"You're pointing a knife at us." She was almost crying but I'd made her mad too. I tried another tactic.

"Ponyboy's fourteen. Johnny's sixteen. They almost died last night because of you. Your boyfriends jumped them in a park and just about killed them, all because they spoke to you. So I'd say you owe those kids one."

"What do you want us to do?" Marcia asked, meeting my eyes. I had to admit, I felt worse about doing this to her than Cherry, but that could be because I'd chatted with her enough to know that she was a cool girl…funny and smart, if not as outspoken as her red-headed friend who'd thrown a drink in Dally's face.

"Same as your boyfriend," Steve spoke up, his voice not quite friendly, but not as mean as he'd been with Randy. "Go to the station. Tell them what happened." Cherry, eyes on the blade in my hand, nodded.

"Alright. But not because of you." She glared at me defiantly, eyes cold. "Ponyboy was sweet…nicer than any hood I ever met." I stiffened at this description but I knew she was trying to compliment the kid so I didn't say anything. "And Johnny got that…Dallas Winston to leave us alone. They didn't deserve this." I shrugged. I didn't care why they were doing it, only that they followed through. So we followed them to the police station, trailing the Sting Ray until it pulled into the lot, then headed back to the Curtis house.

It was after nine when we got there. We knew they wouldn't let us back to see Pony or Johnny, or even Dal, so we waited around by the phone, drinking Darry's coffee. I couldn't bring myself to have a beer…I needed to be alert for this. It was near nine thirty when Soda showed up, letting us know that Pony, Johnny, and Dal had all insisted on a lawyer, and that Darry had been allowed to go back with his little brother. That made me feel a little better. Maybe this would get through to Pony how much his brother actually cared about him. It did seem kind of strange, though, that after going on about how much his oldest brother hated him and wanted to send him off to a boy's home, I'd found him crying in said brother's arms. In fact, he hadn't argued with Darry once from the time I'd found them in the living room to the time the fuzz had showed up, hauling the kid off. I chalked it up to shock and decided to think about that later.

At 12:02, we finally got a call, and Soda answered on the first ring. A few seconds into the conversation, he went white as a sheet, and Steve snatched the phone out of his hands as Soda scrambled to grab his shoes. I leaned in, hoping to hear too. "Hello? Who's this?" Steve demanded. "What's going on?"

"The kid couldn't breathe…they're taking him in an ambulance." Dal sounded angry, and he snapped at someone, saying something I couldn't quite make out. Then, "I get a phone call, and I'm still on the phone!" Then he was talking to us again. "Darry's with him in the ambulance, but they're keeping me and Johnny here."

"Is Pony alright?" I asked.

"These idiots kept him cuffed…yes, you idiots. The kids has broken ribs and you…" He growled something else, then was talking to us again. "The lawyer's going nuts…keeps saying Darry could sue them." He didn't mention that Darry didn't have nearly enough money to sue the cops, but it sounded like a good threat to me.

"Is. Ponyboy. Okay!" I demanded, catching the phone when Steve raced out the door, following Soda and shouting that he would drive. Soda would probably run the car into a tree…and he didn't have a car anyway. The one Dally had driven over was still out front, but we had no idea who it belonged to. With Dally's things, it was better safe than sorry, so we'd leave it there for now.

"I don't think so, man." Dal admitted, quieter now. That didn't surprise me much. Everyone knew that, despite all the swagger and the yelling and the glaring, Dally cared a lot about the two kids of our gang…saw it as his job to look out for them. If I was the babysitter, he was the guard dog. He'd never admit it, but he'd do just about anything to protect them. Pony was kind of scared of him, which didn't bother Dally anymore than it bothered Tim, but if that kid needed him, Dally would be there. Pony was all of our kid brother, not just Darry and Sodapop's. "He passed out right after we all got in the room. They uncuffed him, but he couldn't breathe, and the lawyer made the cops call an ambulance. Darry didn't take it real well." I could only imagine.

"We're gonna head to the hospital, Dal. Call up there if they let you out and we'll give you guys a ride."

"Yeah, alright. Hey…tell Dar I hope the kid's okay."

"You got it Dal."


	6. Homecomings

Homecomings

That night, after visiting hours ended, one of the nurses came into the room, looking somewhat…concerned? Maybe afraid? I wasn't sure why. She'd checked on me several times, and had seemed friendly enough toward Darry and Soda each time, but now she seemed worried. "Um…visiting hours are over, Mr. Curtis." I wasn't sure which 'Mr. Curtis' she was speaking to, but we all stared at her in silence, me finally understanding why she'd looked so worried. The two older greasers in her hospital room weren't going to take kindly to such a suggestion, and she knew it.

My brothers only stared at her, Soda on the bed with me, and Darry in the chair, leaning forward with his elbows on my bed. We hadn't really been talking or anything, just hanging out. I kept wondering if Darry was going to bring up what had happened…when he'd hit me. I didn't want to talk about it. It was so long ago for me…a week? More? It felt like longer, but for him, it had only been a few days. It was hard to remember that. "We ain't leaving." Soda told her simply, his eyes cold. Apparently convinced (Soda could be scary, even when he was lying in bed with his arms around his little brother, and Darry was huge) the nurse headed out and didn't come back again all night. I kept trying to tell my brothers that they could go, but Darry only shook his head at me.

"Go to sleep, Ponyboy. We'll be fine." He told me simply, leaving no room for argument. Remembering my promise to myself that I wouldn't argue with my brothers anymore for a while, I'd done just that, laying back against Soda and falling asleep easily. I guess I was more tired than I'd thought.

That morning, I woke to find myself leaning against Sodapop's chest, his arms around me, and Darry sleeping with his head on the bed on his folded arms. I nudged him awake, shaking his shoulder and glancing up to see Soda with his head thrown back against the wall, mouth open as he slept. "Dar? You better get up…doesn't that hurt your back?" I asked quietly, feeling guilty still.

He groaned, blinking a few times and sitting up. "Yeah." He grumbled, stretching his arms above his head, then looked at me closely. "How you feeling, little buddy?" I paused a bit at the nickname, trying not to let him see how it affected me. Soda was 'little buddy.' Not me. I'd barley had time after the hospital…the first time, and then the rumble and Johnny dying, to speak to Darry…to try and figure out…things. But for Darry, he'd accidently hit me after we'd fought, I'd run away, and then I'd come back with a story about how I killed someone, leading first to my arrest and then the hospital. He hadn't had time to process any of this either, although he had presumably been awake while we were at the station and I'd been asleep on him. I knew he didn't hate me, despite what I'd thought before he had hit me that night. Still, a sign of affection like that from him surprised me.

Realizing I was staring and that his expression was moving toward concerned, I tried to take stock and answer his question. "Um…alright, I guess." I sat up a bit, trying to pull away from Soda, but it pulled at my ribs when I moved, and I glanced down at the bandages covering my torso.

"Pony?" Darry reached out, squeezing my knee from where he sat in his uncomfortable plastic chair. Briefly, I wondered why he wasn't at work, but I wasn't about to ask. "You need some pain meds?"

"Nah. I think I'm alright. Ready to get out of here." He smiled then, laughing a little. It had been a long time since I'd seen him smile like that. He looked so relieved. Had I really been that bad off?

"Yeah, I know. We'll see what the doctors say, kiddo." He glanced at his watch as he spoke, grimacing a bit. "Soda?" He shook our brother's leg then. "Sodapop? I know you have work today. You'd better get up so you have time to go home and change. Steve's dropping you off on his way to school."

Soda mumbled something, turning over and nearly slapping me in the face. Laughing, I pulled back and dodged the wayward hand that wrapped around my shoulders. He had almost pushed me out of the tiny bed, and I gripped the bedrail, grinning and knowing that Darry wouldn't let me fall. In fact, our oldest brother was already leaning forward and hovering, ready to step in. "Soda!" I called, kicking him then regretting it, pausing in my attempts to wake our brother to take a deep breath and wait out the stab of pain.

"Pony?" Darry's voice was quiet and I made myself smile reassuringly.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I assured him, then reached out, shaking my brother's shoulder and finally he cracked an eye open. "You're killing me, Soda. Scoot." I told him with a grin, and he'd sat up, laughing and scooting over just to drop his head back onto the pillow. "Work?" I asked, moving back to the center of the small bed, and my brother groaned, trying to yank the blanket up over his head. I pulled it off, laughing when he groaned again, trying to roll over but having no room to do so.

Darry grinned, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall. "Sorry, Sodapop. You'd better get home and change." And so, after groaning and promising to see me later, and telling me to be careful, and offering to stay home, and arguing with Darry about that last comment, he was off, and Darry and I were left alone again.

We were only alone for a few minutes, however, with him stretching and yawning and me shifting against the pillow, then placing my hand against my side and waiting for the pain to go away, before Two-Bit showed up, throwing the hospital door open and slamming it behind him like he would our front door. He drug a plastic chair over to my bed and dropping into it. "Morning." He said, yawning and stretching, and I had to smile. Surprisingly, he still didn't look drunk, but, as usual, it was kind of hard to tell.

"What are you doing here, Two-Bit?" I wondered, and he gave me a mock-wounded look, his hand over his heart. Of course, him skipping school was nothing new, but I hadn't really expected to see him again that day. Hadn't he skipped school the day before?

"Visiting you, of course. Brought a buddy too." He gestured toward the door he'd closed, and it opened to reveal my best friend. Johnny shot Two-Bit a look, but turned to me with a grin. Apparently Two-Bit had shut the door in his face.

"Hey, Pony."

He wasn't dead, or burned, or even bruised really. He was okay. I stared at him for a long moment, hoping my eyes said what my mouth couldn't, and he met my gaze like no one else would, his eyes communicating a message of their own. Two-Bit and Darry stared at the two of us as we had a silent conversation. When we were alone, we would have a real one. I knew he'd want to ask about the knife, and if his expression was anything to go by, he had more he wanted to talk about. I just didn't know how I could answer any of it. I knew I could never talk about what had happened…they'd have me locked up in the crazy house before I could blink.

"These two sure have some riveting conversations, huh, Superman?" Two-Bit remarked dryly, sitting back and watching us with a confused grin. The others were always confused when we did this, but we would talk later. Knowing that, I smiled.

"Hey, Johnny."

"You getting out today?"

"I hope so." I told him, shifting a bit and wincing. His eyes were questioning and I smiled. "Just bugs me." I gestured to my side.

"You just had surgery, man. Probably will for a while." He sat in a chair that he'd carried over from the wall, leaning back and regarding me silently. They all did. It put me on edge, and I stared at the blanket instead of looking any of them in the eye. Finally, Two-Bit stared telling us all about his night, which had mostly involved a blonde, lots of booze, and, not surprisingly, some shop-lifting. He tossed a deck of playing cards onto the bed as he concluded his story, and I wondered where he'd swiped them from.

Darry listened indulgently, rolling his eyes occasionally, and I had followed Johnny's cues for when I should laugh. Honestly, I couldn't really focus on much…I was still groggy and I wondered what was in that IV. I think Darry noticed, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he kept a hand on my knee, keeping an eye on me as I lay back on the pillow and tried to focus.

Finally, after an hour of Two-Bit stories and one or two nurses coming into check on me, one removing the IV and giving my friends disapproving looks, the doctor had come into the room, shaking hands with Darry, giving a name I barely caught, and then turning to me. "It looks like you're improving, Mr. Curtis." I flinched at the name but didn't correct him. He could call me whatever he wanted if he just let me out, I thought while he looked over my chart. "Any shortness of breath? Dizziness, nausea? Pain?"

"No." I answered shortly. Two-Bit snorted but didn't comment.

"Pony." My brother mumbled, giving me a look, and I fought the desire to say whatever got me out of bed and tried honesty.

"My side still hurts…my chest too." I muttered. The doctor nodded, not seeming bothered by my lie or my attitude.

"Not uncommon after a surgery. I can prescribe you some pain medication, and you'll need to continue the course of antibiotics we had you on here." He scribbled something on the pad he was holding then looked up at my brother. "No roughhousing, keep him in the house, and no smoking, at least for a few weeks…preferably ever again." He gave me a look at that last one, but I was too caught up in what he was saying to care.

"I can go home today?" I double-checked; leaning in, and Darry chuckled under his breath behind me.

"You can go home today." The doctor finally cracked a smile, shaking his head in amusement when both Two-Bit and I whooped, and Johnny was forced to jump up when Two-Bit attempted to put him in a celebratory headlock. "Darrel, I just need you to sign some papers if you could come with me." My brother nodded, following after a warning glance back at us, and I was left alone with our friends once more.

Reaching down under the chair, Two-Bit grabbed a bag and tossed it onto the bed. "We grabbed you some clothes from your house…didn't think you'd want to leave here wearing a gown." He grinned, and I thanked him, starting to throw my legs over the side of the bed, but the dizziness immediately made itself known. "Woah there, kid." He jumped up, grabbing my arm and steadying me. Johnny stood by, hands up, ready to catch me, it seemed. "You just had surgery. Take it easy."

"I'm fine, Two-Bit," I grumbled, trying to pull away, but he was firm.

"Kid. Let me help. Okay? I'm not taking no for an answer." Johnny looked kind of worried, like I was going to start a fight or something, but I stopped, suddenly remembering him in that hospital bed, deathly pale, covered in burns…I remembered Two-Bit fighting with Johnny's mom at the hospital…why couldn't I stop thinking about this? "Kid?" Why did I think about this every time I thought of Johnny? Johnny watched me carefully, looking both concerned and understanding. But he couldn't understand…it had never happened. "Pony? You need to lie back down?" Two-Bit was freaking out and I swallowed hard, glad Darry wasn't in the room.

"Sorry…hurt for a minute. I'm fine." He nodded, not believing me but not arguing either, and I let him help me walk into the bathroom where he had left me to change alone, thankfully. I did so, gripping the sink most of the time, then tried to walk back to my bed unaided, which didn't happen. Two-Bit was waiting outside the door.

Getting wheeled out of the hospital by my brother would have been embarrassing if Two-Bit hadn't swiped another wheelchair and made Johnny push him, urging our friend the whole time to 'go faster.' There was no way Darry would have had a wheelchair race with him, but that hadn't diminished Two-Bit's enthusiasm. It made me laugh, regardless, and Johnny and I fought laughter every time Darry tried to distance us from Two-Bit, not wanting to be seen in the hospital with such a goof. He made sure Johnny caught up every time, waving at the doctors and nurses all the way.

Both Two-Bit and Darry helped me climb into the truck, and that part was a little embarrassing, but Two-Bit talked the whole time about the blonde again, and I don't know if it was because he really liked this girl or because he wanted to spare me some humiliation. It was strange to see a serious side of Two-Bit, but if I thought about it, he'd always been a good buddy, and I was glad to have him. He'd go to Texas for me. The thought made me smile out the window as we drove home where I was unceremoniously told to 'plant it' on the couch.

Darry left to fill my prescriptions, not listening to my arguments that I was fine and didn't need him to do that. Actually, he had listened…and he'd given me a look so incredulous and borderline-angry that I'd immediately dropped it, but not before reminding him in a small voice that we couldn't afford this. To my surprise, however, he'd put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in a bit with his jaw clenched. "Don't you ever let me hear you say something like that again, you hear? I'm your guardian. You need medicine, and I'm going to get it. You understand?" He asked quietly, his eyes deadly serious, but not cold or mean like I used to think they were. More…concerned. Scared.

'My fault.' I tried to push that voice away as he walked out the door, the one that reminded me that, if I'd left things alone, he wouldn't have to pay my hospital bills…I didn't think. I mean, I hadn't been feeling too hot after the rumble, but I would've been fine with some sleep. Steve was hurt a lot worse than me. But Johnny would be dead, and I didn't regret that one bit…even if I was costing my brother more money than I had a right to. Even if…no, I wasn't going to think about what could happen with the State.

"He ain't mad, Pony, so you don't have to look like that." Two-Bit's voice was casual, but he wasn't kidding around.

"Like what?"

"Like a puppy that just got kicked." Walking by, he ruffled my hair, and I smacked him away. Kicked puppy made me think of Johnny and thinking of Johnny made me think of that hospital…could you be traumatized by something that never actually happened? I didn't think so, and who could I ask? I glanced over at Johnny who was watching me closely, eyes narrow as he seemed to be deep in thought. I could relate. As soon as Two-Bit was gone, we would talk…but it seemed that Two-Bit wasn't going anywhere.

He dropped into the recliner, flipping on the TV, and never wandering more than a few feet from me, even after Darry returned with my pills and headed into the bedroom only to emerge in his work clothes. "You gotta go in to work?" I called from the sofa, still under strict orders not to move from it. Then again, I didn't really want to get up…getting up was painful.

"Half day. Sorry, kiddo." He answered, stepping into the living room and looking me over critically. Somehow this felt familiar, but there would be no wrestling with Two-Bit this time.

"It's fine. I've stayed by myself plenty of times." I told him with a forced grin, feeling, once more, like I was just reciting lines.

"Maybe I should stay home." I shook my head, not saying anything about us not being able to afford it…I'd already pushed that button with no luck. But Two-Bit, not taking his eyes off the TV, spoke up.

"Don't worry, Darry. Johnny and I will stay with him." I was glad he hadn't used the word 'babysit,' but it still grated on my nerves to be treated like a kid. Then again, I had promised myself that I wasn't going to argue with my brothers for a while, so I kept my mouth shut, literally biting my tongue.

"Alright…" He watched me for a moment, eyes troubled. "Your pain meds are in the kitchen. Don't forget…"

"One every six hours. Antibiotics twice a day with food. Don't roughhouse. No smoking. I got it, Dar." I told him, smiling so he wouldn't think I was being smart. He put a hand on the back of my head.

"Alright Pony. I'll be home at six." At some point, I figured, we'd all have to talk about the events that had led up to this, but not today. I didn't want him mad again for a while, so I kept my trap shut and waved as he headed out.

Two-Bit made us lunch, just sandwiches, but I hadn't eaten in a while so it tasted real good even if I didn't eat but one, and Two-Bit wolfed down three. I thought about sneaking off to the porch with Johnny when he stepped outside to smoke, but Darry didn't want me getting up off the sofa and Two-Bit had appointed himself my guard dog, giving me looks every time I shifted. When I had to use the bathroom, he was up before I was, his hand on my arm, going from jovial to concerned.

"Kid?"

"Bathroom, Two-Bit. You gonna carry me?" He snored, ignoring the jab and helping me walk.

"Surgery, kid. You know what that means? Some doctor had to cut you open. With a fancy knife, but a knife nonetheless. So forgive me if I insist on offering my services. Don't…don't even think about getting mouthy right now, kid." He pointed a finger at me when I opened my mouth, grinning, then shut it.

"Services, Two-Bit?" Johnny called, and I had to laugh despite the pain, pulling away and shutting the bathroom door behind me. I heard a crash from the living room and assumed they were wrestling, which was how I found them when I made my way back into the living room. I leaned against the doorjamb, watching with a smile as Johnny tried to wriggle his way out of Two-Bit's grip.

Laughing and letting Johnny up, Two-Bit jumped to his feet, walking over and dropping an arm around my shoulder, leading me over to the sofa and gesturing grandly. "Your throne, sir."

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled good-naturedly, sitting carefully down, and Johnny joined me. I kept hoping Two-Bit would take a smoke break…or at least grab a beer, but surprisingly he did neither. Instead, he stayed in Darry's recliner, watching me like a hawk and entertaining us with stories of blondes and shop-lifting and anything else he could come up with. After a while, I asked him what was going on at school, and he gave me a strange look.

"No idea, kid. Haven't been since…well, since the day we all went to the movies. I'll probably have to repeat junior year again." He shrugged carelessly.

"Yeah? At this rate, we'll be in the same grade next year."

"Good. I can cheat off you." Johnny laughed.

"Maybe I can cheat off you too." Johnny put in. "Otherwise, I'm not passing this year. I've missed about a week now." He and I were in the same grade, even if we didn't actually have any classes together, but we still did homework together and occasionally I let him cheat. He rarely asked. He was pretty smart, even if he hadn't been able to skip a grade. I nodded.

"Yeah, long as someone actually goes to school and picks up our work."

"I'll probably go tomorrow," Two-Bit told us. Somehow I knew that Johnny wouldn't. I supposed he would stay with me.

Finally, Two-Bit pulled out a deck of cards and we played poker for a while, betting with pennies we found around the house and a few Two-Bit had in his pockets. I wondered what Dally was up to, but figured he'd show up eventually. Two-Bit and I switched off winning almost every round, passing our pennies back and forth. Finally, though, we both got a little cocky, and Johnny put down aces, grinning and pulling all the pennies over to his side. Two-Bit chuckled and ruffled his hair as Soda and Steve came in, slamming the door behind them.

"Hey, kids!" Soda yelled, grinning brightly at me and Johnny. I had to smile back even though; somehow, just playing poker had exhausted me and I was tempted to just go to bed for the night. I wondered briefly if Steve had been a pal and gotten my assignments…then again, maybe Dally had gone up to the school and collected them from my teachers. Both were about equally likely. "How are you feeling, Pony?" Soda asked, heading into the kitchen, probably to fix dinner.

"Fine. How was work?" I answered, hoping to steer the conversation away from me. I was already sick of the doctor's orders. Was I supposed to just sit around all night on the sofa? I reminded myself again that I was lucky…that it was all worth it. I was just bored. Then again, I had plenty of books in my bedroom, and plenty of homework if I ever received it, and I could always draw or something, but I wasn't great at staying still all day.

"Good. Two-Bit, you coulda cleaned up a bit in here…" Soda called, obviously referring to our lunch dishes.

"Couldn't. I was babysitting the kid." I started to smack him upside the head but froze, remembering what a bad idea that was. I settled for glaring at him.

"Later, Two-Bit," I promised. He grinned, his face eager.

"Anytime, kid." I missed wrestling with Two-Bit. Also standing. And moving around. I missed not sitting on the sofa all day, and it had only been a few hours. He considered me for a minute, still smiling, but looking a little more serious. "Maybe give it a few days though. Or weeks."

"No kidding." Soda stepped back into the room, dropping onto the sofa next to me. "You sure you feel okay, Pony?" He asked quietly, and I found that Steve was leaning in the doorway, feigning disinterest.

"Yes, Soda."

"You take your medicine?"

"Yes, Soda." He smirked, punching my shoulder gently as Darry walked in.

"Hey, kiddo. How are you feeling?" I sighed, forcing a smile.

"Fine." Thankfully he seemed satisfied with that.

"Anybody make dinner?" He asked, and Soda popped back up.

"I'm on it."

A little while later, the door slammed behind Dally, who had a knack for arriving in time for dinner. Soda was finishing up the pasta, and I was wondering what color it would be when Dal walked in. He had a cigarette dangling from his lips, his collar hiked up around his neck. He wasn't in the hospital. His arm wasn't burned up…he hadn't had to run into a burning building to drag me and Johnny out. Suddenly I could see it again...could hear the fire so loud it was almost deafening. "Kid, what do you keep staring at me like that for?" He snapped, not looking angry but sounding it, and I stared at the carpet once more, snapping out of it.

"Nothin'. Sorry." He stared at me for another second, looking skeptical, but not pushing. How could I explain that I was just glad he was okay? I couldn't. So I let it go. Two-Bit and Johnny, and even Steve were all watching me pretty close after that exchange, but no one asked any questions. I was glad. There was no way I could explain that.

Soda handed out plates, and everyone headed into the kitchen to make their own plate. Except for me. Darry grabbed mine and returned it, fully of spaghetti which I usually loved. It was bright green, which was fine with me, but it made Darry roll his eyes. "Can't we have normal colored food, Soda?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Our brother called from the kitchen as Darry handed me the plate. As we all gathered around the living room, everyone either finding a chair or sitting on the floor, I couldn't help but notice that Two-Bit, who hadn't had a drink all day, was having Pepsi with dinner. All throughout the day, I had been waiting for him to break out the beer, but he never did. I wondered if Darry had talked to him about it before leaving him to watch me all day, or if something else was going on. He caught me staring just then from where he sat on the floor in front of the TV, but only lifted an eyebrow and gave a half smile around a mouthful of green spaghetti. I looked away.

Leaning carefully back against the sofa, I ate the pasta even though I wasn't hungry. It was fine probably, but it tasted like sawdust in my mouth. I forced it down, picking at the plate, and I felt my brothers' eyes on me. Still, they couldn't say anything as long as I was eating, so I cut the meatballs into tiny pieces and nibbled them. I wondered if talking to Johnny alone would help…if that would finally make me stop thinking about him lying in the hospital…dying. I'd watched my friend die. It didn't matter that it hadn't really happened…or did it? I didn't know anymore.

"Pony?" Soda nudged me from his spot at my side. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I muttered, picking at the food.

"You sure? You need to take a pain pill pretty soon…and your antibiotics." I nodded.

"Yeah, I know." I pushed the meat around the plate, and Darry caught my eye, looking upset. I took a bite, hoping to appease him, but he was still watching. All day I'd been fine, but now that it was quiet and I had nothing else to focus on, my mind kept wandering back to that church…the fire, the kids screaming…Johnny calling for help. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see my friend dying. My hands shook and I dropped them to my lap, hoping the others wouldn't notice. No such luck.

"You done?" Darry asked. I nodded, ignoring his concerned look. I'd only eaten about half the spaghetti while everyone else was on their second helping. Somehow, doing nothing all day had exhausted me. Probably had something to do with being in the hospital for several days.

"Yeah. Want me to do the dishes?" He shook his head, and Soda jumped to his feet.

"I'll get it, kiddo. You, stay on the couch." He pointed firmly at me, but he was grinning as he gathered up the plates from everyone. Johnny sat beside me on the sofa, watching me closely. He wasn't the only one. Steve, too, was watching me, but I tried to ignore it. I just needed to talk to Johnny. There was something in the way he looked at me, dark eyes seeking mine out that told me he felt the same way. He knew something. But that would have to wait.

Johnny headed out to the porch to smoke, and Dally went with him. I doubted I could get away with standing up, much less joining them, so I stayed where I was while the others watched TV. Keeping my eyes open was a struggle, but I wasn't about to draw even more attention to myself by falling asleep before seven o'clock. So I tried to watch TV and insisted Soda go with Steve when Steve wanted to go to a poker game on the other side of town. My brother hesitated, but I assured him I was fine and smiled in all the right places. This hadn't happened before, but I was like an actor again, just saying my lines. I remembered the kid who'd bit me. I remembered waking in an ambulance after Dally had hit me in the back. Him asking for Two-Bit's knife...I fought back the urge to throw up. That would really cue my brothers in that something was wrong.

Two-Bit took off when Steve and Soda did, but not before approaching me and ruffling my hair. "Take it easy, kid. I'll bring your homework tomorrow, okay?"

"Thanks, Two-Bit." I tried to dodge his hand but he messed my hair up anyway. It was still reddish brown and long. I tried to push that thought away, along with the image of me with blond hair. I didn't need to be thinking about that. It hadn't happened. I needed to remember that it hadn't happened.

"Pony? You sure you're alright?" He asked, his voice pitched low so Darry, who was talking to Dally in the kitchen about something I couldn't hear, didn't notice.

"Yeah. Just tired."

"I bet. Go to bed kid. I'll see you around." I waved, sighing a bit when he slammed the door behind him. In the kitchen, Dally and Darry continued their conversation, and Johnny lounged on the couch beside me, where he'd been most of the day.

I turned to my best friend, my eyes asking the question. When did he want to do this? He gestured for me to follow him to the porch, so I stood carefully, glad the pain pills seemed to be taking the edge off, and finally we sat down outside, watching the sun start to go down. I thought of reciting that poem to Johnny, of reading Gone With the Wind together. We'd always been good friends but we'd gotten closer at that church…but now it had never happened. That thought left me with a weird, aching hole in my gut. Johnny could never know.

"How'd you get my knife, Pony? Tell the truth." Johnny spoke softly enough that my older brother wouldn't hear us. I doubted Dally would much care about something like that, but we couldn't let Darry find out that we'd lied. Regardless, they were both in the kitchen and hadn't noticed we'd gone yet.

"I don't know."

"I ain't gonna be mad if you stole it." He promised. But he knew I hadn't stolen it. I hadn't had a chance to, and I had many talents, but pickpocketing wasn't one of them, as I'd learned once when I'd tried to lift Two-Bit's switch for fun. He'd had me in a headlock and hollering 'uncle' so fast I'd barely known what had hit me.

"I didn't." He sighed, staring at the sun as the sky turned golden and pink and orange. "Nothing gold can stay," I mumbled it, feeling my eyes get hot for no reason. Johnny didn't know what I was talking about. All I'd wanted was to talk to him, but now I didn't know what to say. We hadn't run away together. I hadn't been able to tell him about the poem, or talked about how Dally was gallant…we weren't as close as we had been those last days at the church…those days that had never happened. It was worth it. I felt stupid, like a little kid whining about something so selfish, even to myself, when I hadn't even given anything up. All I'd done was…kill someone. For Johnny...and Dally. 'We'll do it for Johnny.' Those had been Dally's words. Would have been. The rumble. My best friend dying in that hospital bed, alone but for me and Dal…Dally, storming off after nearly putting a hole in that wall. They flashed across my vision like a movie I couldn't turn off. Was this what I would have to live with forever?

He was watching me. I met his gaze, wishing I could say it out loud. But I couldn't. It wouldn't make sense. "I know you didn't. So how did you get it? You killed someone for me, Pony…with my knife." He shook his head, looking sad and scared. "It shoulda been…"

"Don't. Don't say that." I cut him off, not meaning to, but going cold all over at the thought. Panic threatened to choke me and my eyes got hot. "Please…Johnny, don't say that." The gang couldn't exist without Johnny. How would we have made it without him? Besides, he hadn't even done anything. Sixteen and he'd never left his hometown. His life couldn't end yet.

"You didn't ask to see my knife." It seemed like he was going to be stuck on that for a while. I didn't argue. I didn't know how to explain it. "I had it in my pocket when you woke me up."

"Don't go asking questions about it Johnny. It doesn't matter anymore." I mumbled, kicking at the ground and realizing I was only wearing socks. The sun was setting and it was getting chilly. "Nothing gold can stay." Johnny had asked me to stay gold…it had been his dying wish, but I couldn't do it. I'd saved his life, but I sure wasn't gold anymore, if I had ever been.

"What's that mean?" Johnny was staring at me still, frustration turning to confusion.

"It's a poem." He was quiet then, and together we watched the sun sink below the horizon, Darry and Dally's voice a distant sound in the house. As the light was about to fade completely, he turned to me.

"How's the rest of it go?" I gave a half smile, staring still at the sunset, and recited the poem to Johnny for the second time.


	7. Nightmares

Nightmares

I dreamed about the fire. I stood in the church, staring across the burning, collapsing room at Johnny…he was screaming for me. All I could see was fire. It was our fault…one of us had dropped a cigarette, I was sure of it. Hadn't I wondered once what it was like in a burning ember? It seemed this was my answer. I felt rooted to the spot as I watched the church go down around me. But weren't there some kids? I looked around, but I didn't see them. Then again, the smoke was so thick it was choking me, and I could barely see anyway. The window behind me was gone…how was I going to get out? I coughed, flinching at the pain in my chest, but knowing I had more important things to worry about as I finally spotted Johnny on the ground.

I knew Dally had helped him out of the church before, but I didn't see him. I called for him, hoping he would come help me. I was shaking…I didn't want to run into the fire again. But Dally didn't come. One second, I was standing there, gasping for breath in the smoke, the next, I ran across the room, the fire hot and roaring, the sound of debris falling so loud that I couldn't hear myself think. Johnny was on his stomach, trapped under a beam, and I felt myself sob. I thought I'd saved him…hadn't I killed Bob so that we wouldn't have to do this? I grabbed the huge beam, shoving it with all my might, and grabbed Johnny's arm, not questioning how easy it was to move. "We have to get out of here!" I screamed, looking around for our friend. "Dally! Dally, help!" I begged, half dragging my friend across the room. "Please!" I'd never begged Dallas for anything, but I'd give anything right then for some help, and he was the only one around.

Johnny's eyes were closed. He couldn't walk. That beam had broken his back, and I wasn't strong enough to get him out on my own. We only made it halfway across the room before I staggered and fell, my knees hitting the ground, his weight too much for me, my chest burning. "Johnny? Johnny, wake up!" I screamed. He had to get up. He had to get himself off the ground and walking. I couldn't do this alone! "Dally! Dally, help! Please! Please help us!" I screamed until my throat was raw and tears streamed down my face, but he didn't come. "Dally, please!" He was gallant…surely he would come. He would help us. Dally wouldn't abandon us here. I looked down to find Johnny staring up at me, his eyes vacant, his skin scorched.

"Stay gold." He muttered, and his eyes closed, his body going limp.  
"No!" I snapped, shaking him. "I can't! He'll come. He won't let you die." I told him sharply, then screamed again. "Dally! You have to help us! Dally!"

"I'm right here, kid." I looked around but I didn't see him...his voice was so close though. "Glory, shut up, will ya? I'm right here! No one's dying!" His words were harsh, but his tone wasn't. He almost sounded…worried? "He do this a lot? It's a wonder he don't wake the neighbors." I didn't know who he was talking to, but Johnny was no longer on the ground in front of me and I looked around for him, trying to stand but unable to.

"Dally? You gotta help us. Please. Please help." I murmured, realizing that I no longer felt as hot as I had…was someone putting the fire out?

"With what?" He demanded, somewhat patiently, but I couldn't find him.

"Pony? Wake up, kiddo." That was Soda, and I jerked awake with a gasp, my whole body going stiff as I looked around the dark room wildly. I was in bed, my torso propped up against Soda who was watching me worriedly in the dark. The covers were pooled around my feet, and I was panting as though I'd run a race, which was probably why my chest hurt. To my surprise, Dally stood by the bed Soda and I shared, dressed only in jeans and looking…tired. I'd expected him to be upset, since I apparently woke him up, but he didn't really sound it. Instead, he stood with his arms crossed over his bare chest, watching Soda brush hair back from my forehead. I couldn't read his face in the dark though. Darry was poking his head in the doorway, but he disappeared after a minute. I wasn't surprised. Soda was the one who usually hung around after my nightmares.

"Pony?" I looked over at Soda, his worry overshadowing everything else on his face. "You alright?"

"He died." My voice was a rasp as I stared at my brother with wide, horrified eyes. He stopped brushing my hair back, his hand frozen on my head. "Soda…he died, and it was my fault." He didn't wait for me to start crying to put his arms around me. "It was my fault, Soda."

"It wasn't your fault, honey. It wasn't." He assured me, rocking us back and forth. I knew he thought I was talking about Bob, but I wasn't…I didn't think. Maybe I was…that was my fault too. I paused, my exhausted mind trying to make sense of everything as I sobbed.

"Johnny?" I asked, pulling back, and my brother gave me a worried look.

"Here." Darry interrupted, moving past Dally who took a step to the side, letting him in as he leaned against the wall. I was kind of surprised that he was still in the room, but I was too tired to care much. In Darry's hand was a glass of water that Soda took, helping me take a long drink. It felt great on my sore throat, and I wondered how long I must have been screaming. Tiredly, I wiped at my eyes.

"What about Johnny?" Dally wanted to know, and I fought my rapidly closing lids to try and pay attention…I was so sleepy.

"My fault," I muttered.

"Pony, what about Johnny is your fault?" Soda demanded, sounding more upset that I'd heard him in a while. He shook me a little, but I was already almost asleep.

"He died," I muttered, dropping my head back on the pillow. I didn't want any more nightmares, but I was too tired to resist.

"Pony, Johnny is fine. He didn't die." My brother sounded stricken.

"Dally?"

"What about him?" My oldest brother sounded beyond concerned, but I couldn't figure out why.

"Is he okay?" I could barely make my mouth form the words, and I just caught the first few words of Soda's reply telling me that Dally was right there when I was asleep again.

The second nightmare woke me early, the sun barely visible in the sky through our thin curtains. This time it had been Bob…my knife sliding into his back. It had been so easy. Soda's arm was thrown over me, and I remembered the first nightmare. I supposed he must have been real worried to risk having his arm around my ribs like that. It didn't hurt though. I stared out the window for a while, then carefully, and trying not to aggravate my side, I slipped out of bed and out from under my brother's arm. He mumbled something and rolled over, relaxing when I pulled the blankets back over him.

The house was silent. Glancing at the clock I found that Darry didn't have to get up for another half hour, and neither did Sodapop, so I supposed it was on me to make breakfast. But I wanted to see the sunrise first. I vaguely remembered dreaming about the sunrise…or maybe the sunset. I remembered watching the sunrise over the horizon, then watching it set with Johnny at the church but it had never happened. I wiped a hand over my face and gave up trying to figure it out. Instead, I carefully made my way out into the living room, trying not to aggravate my ribs, when I found Dally in our recliner, sound asleep. I supposed Johnny had gone home or slept in the lot, as Dally was the only one there.

I had an urge to draw him again. He looked younger in his sleep, but I guess we all did. I knew Sodapop did. So did Darry. He didn't look as mean either. I always thought of Dally as tough and mean, but I knew he cared about Johnny a lot. I knew he'd fall apart if Johnny died. I knew he was gallant, and he'd help any of us in a jam if he could…he'd proven that to us…well, he would have proven that. He'd given us a gun and helped us escape, even though he could have gotten in big trouble. He hadn't even told anyone where we were, even though I was sure Soda and Darry were on him about it.

He chose that moment to stir a little, and I hurried quietly out onto the porch, not wanting him to catch me staring again. He'd seemed kind of suspicious the night before, and I didn't need him asking questions. Then I'd woken him up, probably screaming for him in my sleep. He hadn't really been around the house so much recently, and he hadn't spent the night on one of the nights that I'd had a nightmare, even though the whole gang knew I had them. They didn't bug me about it or anything, but Steve had been there once when it had happened and hadn't been a jerk about it, much to my surprise. But he had told Two-Bit, and I'd talked briefly with Johnny about it when no one else was around. It was the only time we really talked about stuff…when we were alone.

Last night, Johnny and I had sat on the porch for a long time, talking quietly, first about the poem, then about that night. He didn't ask about the knife again, but he did ask what had happened with Darry. "You know, to make you run out like you did."  
I knew what he was asking. "He and Soda were worried that I was out so late. Since we fell asleep." He'd nodded. "I argued with him…I yelled at him." I'd shrugged. It was no big deal. Johnny's parents beat the hell out of him on a regular basis, and I'd watched him die. I'd shoved that thought away, needing not to think of that. "He yelled at Soda and it made me mad." I had admitted.

"They don't fight much."

"Nah." I shook my head.

"You scared he'll do it again?"

I'd shaken my head. "Not really. I don't think he ever will." There was a quiet clatter behind us and Dally had stepped onto the porch, making me wonder how much he had heard. Still, if he'd heard our conversation he didn't let on.

"This ain't the couch." Dal had commented carelessly, lighting up a cigarette and leaning on the railing.

"I told you to stay on the couch, Pony. You better not be smoking." Darry's voice had come from inside and I'd sighed.

"He wasn't." Johnny had called quickly, putting out his own cigarette, and I couldn't help but grin at him, as though Darry would get on him for smoking too. Dally took a long puff, turning around and regarding us.

"How are the ribs kid?" I'd shrugged, kind of uncomfortable. Dally usually wasn't…friendly, even though he was a buddy.

"Broken. Yours?" He'd snorted, glancing up when Darry joined us, crowding the porch even more.

"Fine."

"Sorry, Darry." I'd muttered, looking down.

"Here." He'd handed me a glass of water and a pill, my antibiotics. I'd thanked him quietly, draining the water glass and putting it on the ground beside me. Johnny and I had clammed up again while we all gathered on the porch, watching the fading light. I couldn't talk to anyone like I could talk to Johnny, not even my brothers…not even Sodapop. Sure, Soda would listen. He'd be nice about it. But he didn't get it. Not like Johnny. I'm almost lost that. "Pony? What's wrong?" Darry had dropped a hand onto my shoulder, squeezing gently. I'd realized my fear had shown on my face, and Johnny was watching me as closely as Darry, while Dal stared out at the street.

"Nothing. Sorry." He'd shaken his head, not accepting my answer. But I didn't have an explanation, so I'd made one up. "I'm just real tired, Dar." That had gone over a little better, and he'd nodded.

"Yeah? Why don't you go on to bed, kiddo? Come on." I'd accepted his help up, reminding myself over and over what happened when I argued with my brother.

"Night, Pony." Johnny had called from the porch, and I'd lifted a hand, waving as I'd headed into the house.

"Night, guys." Darry had helped me into the house, his hand on my arm as he'd walked with me. He seemed worried, and so I'd dropped onto my bed, not even waking when Soda had come home…not until my nightmare.

Now I stood on the same porch, leaning against the railing where Dal had been the night before, watching the horizon. Sunsets were my favorite, as Johnny had known. Maybe he still did. Maybe we didn't have to spend a week together in an abandoned church for him to figure that out. But sunrises were nice in their own way. I felt the urge to grab a cigarette, but I knew Darry would kill me, and 'don't argue with my brothers' had sort of become my motto over the last couple of days…well, the days that I'd been conscious.

The second nightmare came back then, as I stared at the sunset. I'd stood, climbing to my feet despite the broken ribs, and had made my way slowly across the park. No one had even looked up…they were too drunk and too focused on Johnny. The knife had gone in like he was a piece of meat…which I guess he was. I felt my stomach churn at the thought and clamped my hand over my mouth, leaning hard against the railing. It had been so easy to kill someone. I'd seen the blood cover the back of his football jacket, the horrified looks of his friends as they'd backed away from me.

"You gonna be sick, kid?" I jumped at Dally's voice as he joined me on the porch, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. He didn't look particularly concerned as he lit up, bringing it to his lips for a long drag, and he didn't look at me, but I got the feeling he was trying to look out for me. He always did, even if he'd never admit it. Dally had my back.

"No." I stared at his pack of smokes until he held it out, offering silently. I knew he wouldn't tell. Still, I shook my head. He shrugged, turning to watch the sun as it rose over the horizon. He didn't look impressed, but I never could read him all that well. "Sorry I woke you. Last night, I mean." I felt his eyes on me, quiet and considering, but I kept my eyes on the sun as it rose.

"Shoot, kid. If I had a nickel for every time some kid woke me up screaming for me in the middle of the night…" He trailed off and I laughed, guessing he'd have about one nickel. "What did you need my help with?" He wondered idly. I looked at him strangely, and he clarified. "Last night. You were yelling for me, and when I answered you said you needed my help." I debated for a second, then figure it couldn't hurt to tell him.

"We were in a fire. In my dream." I spoke quietly as I watched the sunrise. "Me and Johnny. A church was on fire." He turned to stare at me, eyes narrow in concentration. I decided not to tell him where the church was. That might be too much of a coincidence for even Dally to believe. "He was hurt. I was trying to get him out." He nodded, turning back to the sunrise.

"You saved his life. At the park. Those socs would've drowned him." He told me simply. "When all this dies down, you'd better believe we're gonna track those Socs down." He told me grimly. I didn't much care. I didn't want to fight anyone anymore. It wouldn't make a difference. Wasn't that what Randy had said in his car…when Two-Bit and I had gone to the hospital to see Dally and Johnny. We would still be greasers and they would still be socs and we'd never be anything more. Right?

"I better go start breakfast," I told him quietly, turning and heading inside. He stayed where he was, watching the sun rising over the horizon. "It's pretty tuff, huh?" I asked, turning from the door and watching with him for a second. He snorted, shaking his head a little and taking a drag on the cigarette.

"I guess so, kid."

"I was dreaming about it. The sunrise…or maybe the sunset. When I was in the hospital." I don't know why I told him that, and I didn't stick around to hear the answer. Instead, I headed over to the kitchen, swallowing a pain pill and one of those antibiotics the doctors insisted I finish, eating a piece of bread with them and pulling out a carton of eggs and some bacon to fry for Darry's breakfast. As I cracked an egg in the pan, I remembered doing this before, the morning after I got out of the hospital…the other time. After the fire. Steve had asked me what it felt like to be a hero…a big shot. I wasn't a hero anymore. I was still nobody, but now I was a nobody that had killed someone.

I tried to push those thoughts away, staring at the eggs as they cooked. It was a Friday, and Two-Bit had promised to get my work for me. Steve had school too, and both Darry and Soda had to work again. I wondered where Johnny had slept, and I hoped he'd crashed at Two-Bit's. Two's mom wasn't real interested in her kids or what they did, but at least she'd never hit them or anything. I thought about Darry and shook it off. Dar hadn't meant to hit me. I knew that for a fact. I didn't think he'd ever do it again, neither. I shouldn't have yelled at him anyway. I thought of what I'd almost caused…what I'd somehow been allowed to undo.

"Hey, kiddo. You should be in bed." Darry's voice was soft and worried. I wondered how long I had until he was mad all the time again, and flinched at the thought.

'He won't be if I don't fight with him.' I told myself sharply as I tried to grin at him. "First one up makes breakfast. Didn't wanna get stuck with dishes." He didn't push it, ruffling my hair instead as they all tended to do. I tried not to let it irritate me. One flashback to his face in the hospital and I was feeling more sick that irritated.

"How you feelin?" He asked, and the shower turned on in the bathroom. Apparently, Soda was up. "You take your medicine?"

"Yeah," I answered shortly, scraping the eggs off the skillet and dropping them on a piece of bread already piled with bacon, holding it out for Darry. He took it, thanking me quietly but still watching. "I'm alright. Just sore." I told him truthfully, and he seemed to let it go, sitting down with his breakfast. I started on Dally and Soda's breakfast next, sneaking a bottle of blue food coloring and dropping in a few drops, knowing it would make Soda smile.

Dal just rolled his eyes when he came in, seeing what I was cooking and what color it was, grabbing his own plate and taking most of the eggs. It was edible, and he was used to strangely colored food at this house. Soda came in next, laughing at the blue eggs and dropping an arm over my shoulders, squeezing gently and asking how I was doing.

"Fine," I answered, already tired of that question. Reaching into the cabinet, I pulled out the jelly and handed it to him, shuddering when he globbed some onto the eggs. I'd seen him eat it plenty of times, but it still made me sick. As I was pulling out more eggs, the front door slammed, Two-Bit announcing his presence with a loud 'Good morning' that would have woken us if we weren't all already up, Johnny and Steve trailing behind.

"Let them finish, Pony," Darry ordered, and I dropped the spatula as if burned.

'Don't argue with your brothers.' Or Darry would hit me again? Or I would run away? Or my friend would die? I didn't know anymore.

"Yeah, kid." Two-Bit put in, looking cheerful and too awake. "How do you like your eggs?"

I shrugged. It didn't matter. I wasn't hungry anyway, but Darry wasn't having that. "Hard." He answered for me, and I wished they'd all go back to talking about…well, whatever it was they talked about. Work. Anything. Anything except how I was feeling. Johnny sat beside me on my other side, across from Dally from the table. His shoulder touched mine and I glanced up. I knew he was worried, and I gave him a weak grin. I was fine. It felt like I was slowly going insane, but I'd figure it out somehow. Maybe once I got back to school and busy again. Just like the doctor had said…wear myself out and I wouldn't have the energy to dream.

As everyone got ready to leave, Two-Bit offered to stay with me again. Before I could wave him off, Dally spoke up, surprising everyone. "I'm gonna stick around here today anyway. Go see if you can pass the eleventh grade." He smirked at our friend who put a hand over his heart, mock-offended.

"I could finish high school anytime I wanted, Dallas."

"But as long as he's in high school, he has an excuse for not getting a job." Steve put in, making us all laugh as Darry tugged on his work shirt and Soda looked around for his hat. Surprisingly, Steve waved goodbye, telling me he'd see me later. I almost fell out of my chair, but he was out the door before I could make a smart remark. That was probably for the best. I wondered when he was going to go back to his old self...the one that hated the tag-along kid and only spoke to me when he had to...or when he had something smart to say. Darry looked at me right before he left, as though he had something to say, but just squeezed my shoulder and giving Dal a long look that our friend ignored in favor of finishing his breakfast.

"Dally…"

"Go to work, muscles." He told my brother simply. "I've got things handled here." Soda called for me to take it easy before they all left, leaving me alone with Dal and Johnny, just like that night. It was the next day, when Darry was off work and had plenty of time to say to me whatever it was he was thinking, that I was worried about.

"You don't have to babysit me, Dal." I told him quietly as the door slammed shut behind my brothers. Johnny didn't say anything, just picked at his free breakfast.

Dallas finished his eggs, pushing his plate toward me, and I carried it over to the sink. "Good. 'Cause I don't babysit. What do you two say we head to the movies? I still got Buck's car." I had to grin a bit at that from the sink where, no surprise, I had been stuck with the dishes, and Johnny chuckled.

"When you gonna give that back?" He wondered. Dally smirked, looking just like a tough hood, but he didn't look mean. He'd changed somehow…or maybe I was just noticing. He wasn't nice…he hadn't been lying to Cherry about that. Or maybe he just didn't want to seem nice, with a rep to protect and all that. He stood, making a move at Johnny at the last second and putting him in a headlock, mock punching him in the stomach.

"Shit, kid, when he comes looking for it!"


	8. Agreements

Agreements

Dallas drove at a reasonable speed. That alone was enough to freak me out. Maybe he really was worried about me. Or maybe he just didn't want Darry to beat him up if he caused a car wreck with me in it. I sat in the back of Buck's convertible, hoping the sleazy cowboy didn't come looking for it while I was around. That guy gave me the creeps; even if I was sure Dally could take him anytime. The neighboring houses passed slowly as Dally made his way lazily to the movie theatre. Usually when we went to the movies, we snuck in, but with a car, we'd be able to watch the movie like real upstanding citizens. I lay my head back against the headrest, trying to think of that and not the last time I could remember driving around with Dally…well, before last night.

He'd driven like a bat out of hell, whooping and hollering as he'd brought the car up on two wheels whipping around a curve in the country road, and I'd been afraid that I was going to throw up. He'd looked over at Johnny in the passenger seat with a huge grin on his face, amused to see both Johnny and myself green around the gills. I rarely rode in a car with Dallas, and that had only reminded me why. He had taken us to Dairy Queen for barbeque sandwiches…would have. He would have taken us. The car would have gone up on two wheels. The church would have caught fire. Would. Have.

Johnny met my eye in the side mirror, his dark gaze concerned. I had just about everyone concerned for me. Darry wanted to talk to me. Soda acted like he was afraid he was gonna break me. Heck, even Steve was being almost friendly. I felt like I was going to scratch my own skin off the next time someone asked if I was okay. 'Worth it.' I thought of Johnny…it seemed my mind would keep falling back into that rut. Johnny had almost died. I'd saved him. So what if I went insane? So what if my brain couldn't accept the fact that it was real.

I could feel their eyes on me, but I refused to meet them. Instead, I stared out at the neighborhood that passed, the wind blowing in my face, making it too loud to talk. Finally, though, we pulled up to the parking lot, finding it mostly empty, save for a couple in their twenties, the girl in the guy's lap as they kissed. "C'mon kids." Dal parked the car in a space right by the road, jumping out and waiting for us to follow. I should have known Dally wouldn't want to do this the legal way.

I took my time climbing out of the car, mostly because moving still hurt plenty. Johnny held a hand out, and I was only sort of embarrassed to take it. Dally didn't say anything, though, and neither did Johnny. Both just began ambling over to the familiar hole in the fence, as apparently, Dally didn't believe in buying tickets. He held the fence piece out of the way, letting me go first, then Johnny, and then he climbed in, glancing around to make sure we were in the clear. It was a little riskier, doing this in the middle of the day, or morning, rather, but Dal was a pro. Still, I wouldn't be able to run if we got caught.

I was moving slow. They both noticed it…they had to. Johnny kept slowing down to keep pace with me while Dally walked ahead, and I couldn't help but think that I would be useless in a fight at the moment. Of course, I knew that those socs had stepped forward to testify that Bob, and them too, had been drunk, but that didn't mean some of them wouldn't want revenge on the person that had killed their friend. 'Least it ain't Johnny.' I thought as I carefully lowered myself into the seat near the front. It was no surprise that the seats were completely deserted. Most kids were at school, and the ones who didn't go weren't the types to spend their days at the movies.

"I'm gonna grab something to drink. You kids want anything?" Johnny and I both shook our heads, and I started to say something smart about him offering to treat us, but thought better of it. Dally wasn't one of my brothers or Two-Bit. His patience only went so far. Even Steve would (probably) never resort to actual violence against me, especially knowing how Soda would react…then again, Two-Bit had hit me that night. A few nights ago? A week ago? More? I didn't know. Time didn't seem to be working quite right for me. Not that I was complaining, I thought loudly. The thought of somehow screwing all this up with my complaining made my blood go cold and my stomach churn, and I clamped my jaw shut.

"Pony?" I fought the urge to snap. I couldn't. I couldn't ruin this. If I just kept my trap shut, everything would be fine. No one would know I was…crazy. Was I losing it? It had happened. I knew it had! I'd felt the fire…could still feel the fire sometimes. I'd watched Johnny give his last breath, felt a soc kick my head in. I remembered just like it was yesterday!

"Yeah?" I asked, hoping he couldn't see in the dim lights how pale I was.

"You alright?" I wanted to scream…I wanted to yank my hair out. But I nodded and tried to think of some good small talk.

"Yeah. I'll be glad when this heals up." He nodded, accepting that, and I wanted to ask. I wanted to know if he dreamed about a fire, about dying. Did he feel it too? Somehow? Was I really the only one?

Sitting silently together, we watched the movie and I did my best to concentrate until Dally returned, coke in hand. I was lightheaded and tired, something that made no sense to me. I'd slept for so long in the hospital, and now that I was out, I should have been fine. Instead, I was useless during the day, going around in a daze, and at night, I had nightmares that woke not only me but also everyone else in the house. Possibly on the block.

I fought it. I fought to focus on the screen, following the dialogue of the film whose title I had already forgotten. I wondered if it was the pain pills and resolved to stop taking them. If this was how they made me feel, I wanted no part of it. The movie wasn't bad…some of it was even funny. I noticed that Dally didn't really seem to be watching, though. Instead, he kept his eye on the exits up front, and would glance back from his aisle seat occasionally, keeping an eye out. Did he think those socs would show up? I doubted it. They all did real well in school. Heck, they had to to keep up their stellar record and keep people talking about what all-around great guys they were. I wondered again when Darry would make me go back. Maybe Monday. I could probably convince him that I was well enough to go by then. Two more days and surely my ribs would be fine.

Dally stood, turning toward the back. Johnny and I both glanced back, both of us tensing, but it wasn't a soc that met Dally by his chair. It was Tim Shephard and one of his gang that I'd never talked to. I couldn't even remember his name. Thankfully the theater was empty except for us, or someone might have been dumb enough to yell at them, and then we'd definitely get kicked out for fighting. "Dallas."  
"Hey, Tim." The two shook hands, Tim's eyes darting down to me. I briefly considered turning back to the movie screen and pretending I hadn't seen him, but Tim Shephard didn't take disrespect too well from what Curly had told me. So I nodded, hoping his business was just with Dally.

"Hi, Tim," Johnny mumbled, sounding pretty tough, even though I knew Tim scared him a little too. He was areal hood, the kind that robbed gas stations and ran a real gang. Compared to him, our gang looked like a bunch of goofs eating chocolate cake. Heck, Dally was the worst of us, and even he seemed kind of mild compared to Tim, not that I'd ever dream of saying that out loud, not unless I wanted to lose some teeth.

"Johnny. Ponyboy. Heard you two got into some trouble." It wasn't really a question, but I nodded a bit anyway. He looked at us for a minute longer, then turned back to Dal. "Any trouble." He asked. Tim had a habit of speaking in short, clipped sentences, and everything sounded like a statement with him.

"Nah. Haven't seen a soc around our turf since we got hauled in." Johnny and I turned back to our movie then, me regretting the choice to twist around in my seat. I looked at my friend, knowing he'd see the worry in my eyes. Things must be bad if Tim was getting himself involved. Then again, I knew things were bad…I'd killed someone. Finally, after talking quietly with Dally for a few minutes, Tim called that he would see us around and headed out, and Dallas sat back down bedside Johnny. I didn't bother asking what that had been about. It didn't pay to get nosy with Dally.

By the end of the hour, my ribs were surprisingly fine. I supposed those stupid pain pills did something after all, even if they made me foggy. The movie was coming to a slow end, with lots of girls in bikinis at the beach walking off with their guys, and I tried to focus on the ocean. I'd never seen it, but it sure looked amazing on screen…tuff like a sunset. I wondered if I'd ever see it.

After the movie ended, we all made our way back to Buck's car, and I wondered if Dally had been serious when he'd said he was going to keep it. I doubted it. He did work for Buck, although I'd never seen him ride in a race, nor did I know anything about how racing worked, when the races were, or how much he earned. He usually had enough to spot Johnny and me when he was feeling generous, and he had a room at Buck's. I resolved to ask him if I could come by and watch sometime, once I could get around alright again. Until then, I'd probably be stuck at home or with one of the guys at all times.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Dally bought us burgers for lunch, and flicked sugar packets at the waitress until she turned around and gave him a look so cold even Dal was a bit taken aback. Johnny and I laughed under our breath until we were red in the face at his startled, wide-eyed stare that made him look seventeen for once, that is, until he spit water at us with his straw. I thought for sure that would get the waitress to kick us out, but she pretended not to see, leaning against the wall with some other girl and obviously complaining about us. After that, we headed back to my house and played poker with Dal winning almost every round until all the pennies were in his pocket. To be honest, my heart wasn't really in the game, what with the way the room seemed to spin when I moved too much.

Dal finally turned the TV on and headed out to smoke where, surprisingly, Johnny didn't join him. "Yeah?" I asked him, shifting so I was half lying on a cushion, my elbow keeping me up. It wasn't the most comfortable, and although I'd taken the antibiotic when I'd come home, I hadn't taken a pain pill, something my friends either didn't notice or didn't care about. My head felt a little clearer, and I didn't see Johnny dying every time I shut my eyes, so I decided it had been a good thing.

"You been quiet is all." He shrugged, fingering a cigarette but not making any move to light it. Then, out of the blue, "You sure you ain't worried…about Darry?" I wondered if he really thought that was the problem. He was talking real quiet, the way he always did when we talked about stuff like this. I wondered if Johnny knew that he was gallant too.

"I don't think he'll hit me again," I told him simply, my eyes on the TV where Mickey Mouse was playing. It made me think of Two-Bit and I smiled, laughing a bit. Johnny glanced at the screen and grinned too. "We fought a lot," I admitted then. "Since…well, since he became my guardian. He was always mad, and I was always making him mad."

"You said he hated you. That he wanted to put you in a boy's home." I remembered that. Golly, it had been a long time, though. So much had happened…would have happened. "Did you mean it?"

"Yeah." I really had. "But not anymore. I just…I don't wanna fight with him anymore." We were quiet after that, as Dal slammed the screen door coming back in, lifting an eyebrow when he saw what we were watching and snatching the remote from me, changing the channels until I thought I'd fall asleep watching them flash by. But Two-Bit showed up before that could happen, carrying a backpack I'd never seen before. I lifted an eyebrow as he entered the house, loud voice calling out a 'hey, kids' that made Dal roll his eyes.

"You kids have a nice day?" He asked, eyes twinkling as he grinned at Dal. "Were you two good for the babysitter." Apparently, Dal had reached the end of his patience and lunged from the recliner, both going to the ground with an 'oomph' from Two-Bit who was trying to escape from the backpack so he could fight back. He finally managed it, shoving it aside and getting into the wrestling match as they tried to avoid all major furniture that Darry would miss. They were both grinning though, and I caught Johnny's eye and smiled. This was the normal I'd been missing.

I snagged the backpack, stepping carefully around them. Wasn't too eager to get knocked over, and Dal paused for a second, Two-Bit not resisting until I was back out of the way. "How about some help, here, kiddos!" Two-Bit called, trying and failing to upset Dally who was sitting on his chest, pinning him to the ground and slugging him in the shoulder.

"We got homework, Two-Bit." Johnny shrugged, smirking as Dally and I laughed. I pulled out the folders, finding two of them, thankfully. It seemed Two-Bit had Johnny and I covered, even if he hadn't planned on getting his own missed work.

"Think they'll ever just give up on Two-Bit? Tell him if he hasn't graduated by nineteen, he ain't gonna?" I mused aloud, making sure Two-Bit heard.  
"Hey!" Two-Bit cried, finally managing to knock Dally off him and get a good punch into his gut. Dally elbowed him, but it seemed Two-Bit was gonna win this one.

Johnny and I grabbed the folders, knowing we wouldn't get any work done there, and headed to the kitchen. It hurt more to sit up in a wooden chair like that, since, although my head was clear, my ribs were killing me again, but I stuck with it, my friend and I quietly pulling out our math first and getting to work, sharing answers as often as we came up with our own.

I didn't know if Darry knew that we cheated since we never did in front of him, but Johnny was a lot better at math, while I usually gave him my English papers when we had big assignments and let him rewrite them in his own words. I don't think the teachers much cared. Johnny was quiet and did a good job of fading into the background at school. I tried to do the same and mostly succeeded, but my English teacher thought I had potential and it seemed he'd spread the news around.

Apparently Two-Bit had better things to do than watch us do homework, since after telling Johnny and I that he'd be back to copy all our work, he headed out, waving goodbye to Dal and taking off. Once again, he'd seemed sober, but I supposed he had plans to change that. Dal didn't bug us, just pulled out a blade and cleaned his fingernails, watching TV in the living room until I couldn't sit up like that anymore and told Johnny I'd finish later. Together, we headed into the living room and I sat carefully on the sofa.

"You wanna?" Johnny spoke quietly, gesturing with his head toward the table where my pills sat. I shook my head and he didn't push it. I hadn't seen him die in a few hours, which made me think that they really were the problem. Or maybe I'd just been distracted. Either way, I was gonna dump those stupid things down the drain first chance I got, which was the last thing I remember thinking before hearing Soda's voice.

"He okay?" A blanket was over me, and one of the guys probably covered me up, since I sure hadn't done it. Dally must have shrugged in response because I didn't hear an answer.

Darry spoke up then, sounding far away. "Looks like he got his homework done first. A lot of it anyway." For some reason, he didn't sound thrilled about that. There was a rustling of papers and I tried to get back to my dream. In it, Johnny and I had been sitting outside the church, lit cigarettes between our lips, shoulder to shoulder and watching the sunset. I hadn't been afraid.

"We worked on it earlier." Johnny put in.

"He seem okay today?" Soda was almost whispering.

I was surprised when Dally answered. "Quieter than usual. Didn't take a pain pill yet." He told them, no interest in his voice.

"Something's wrong with him." They thought I was asleep. Maybe I was. "He's acting like a robot, Dar." Man, I was tired and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe I had my answer to the question, could you be traumatized by something that never happened?

"He just got out of the hospital." Darry didn't sound convinced even as he murmured it.

"What about that nightmares?" I wondered if Steve was there too, but didn't have the energy to look. It didn't matter. Everyone knew about that already.

"He's been having those for a while, Soda." Steve reminded him, his voice quiet and almost friendly. I guess that answered that question.

"Not ones he could remember…in the hospital, he kept asking about Johnny, and he did it again last night. Dally too. And did you notice that whenever you ask him to do something…"

"Soda…" Darry's voice was pained and tight, and I hated that Soda was bringing that up. I shifted a little, glad that small movement hadn't hurt my ribs. Broken ribs were a real pain to live with. I felt for Steve…who hadn't had broken ribs after all. He really did owe me a 'thank you.'

"He don't argue or nothing…just jumps right to it, like he's scared." Soda wasn't accusing. He was worried. I remembered my conversation with Johnny and was glad he always kept his trap shut.

"I'll talk to him." Darry finally spoke, his voice quiet and pained. That was what I was worried about.

Something touched my forehead, and I tried to pry my eyes open…but I was so tired. "Kiddo?" There was a brief silence and even though I knew he was talking to me, I couldn't convince myself to open my eyes or answer him. "Darry? He's kind of warm." Ever since the hospital Soda had been so worried all the time. It was my fault, I supposed. I just hated it.

"Pony?" Darry's hand replaced Soda's and I tried to open my eyes, sort of succeeding. "You feel alright?" I mumbled in agreement, to what I wasn't sure. Then I closed my eyes again. Maybe sleep would make everything okay.

I did feel better when I woke up. I supposed whatever was left of that pain pill was out of my system and I was fully awake and aware of what was going on. I stretched, freezing when I remembered why that wasn't such a great idea. "You awake, kid?" I moved slowly, rolling over to face Steve who was sitting on the floor across from the couch, a bunch of cards on the floor in front of him.

"Hey, Pony. How do you feel?" Soda was sitting against the bottom of the couch, and it looked like they were playing poker. It wasn't like Soda to sit around on a Friday night…then I remembered Sandy. Had that still happened?

"I'm alright," I mumbled, rubbing my fists over my eyes. "Time is it?"

"Almost eight. Darry's making a late dinner." Soda told me, leaning back against the couch I was laying on. I glanced around the room, but we were the only three.

"Where are Johnny and Dal?"

"Dal's at Buck's. I think Johnny is staying with him tonight." Soda told me. "Wanna play?" I thought about asking him if Sandy was still around, but decided against it. I didn't want to upset him anymore. Slowly, I sat up.

"I'll just watch." I told him, sitting back. I didn't want to climb down on the floor. Soda shrugged and I didn't meet Steve's eye. Instead, I sat with my brother beside my legs, his back to me as Steve poured over his cards. I had an excellent view of Soda's hand, and realized that he was bluffing. Grinning suddenly, I caught Steve's eye. He looked up at me, eyebrow slightly raised like Two-Bit, and, trying to be subtle, I held up three fingers, then five. Eyes widening and fighting a grin of his own, Steve called Soda's bluff and laughed when my brother threw his cards down in disgust, pushing his cigarettes over. Soda didn't smoke much, but he could be a sore loser, thus the constant arm wrestling matches he and Steve seemed to have.

I did it again during the next round, trying to make a sign for King, which is how Darry found us. He gave a short laugh, and I dropped my hands, but not fast enough as Soda whirled to look at me. Steve fought to keep a straight face, and Soda's eyes widened. "You cheaters! Pony!" I laughed with Steve and Darry then, holding up my hands when my brother slapped my leg.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just watching."

"You're lucky you've got broken ribs, else he'd get you back for that." Steve quipped, and I smirked, ignoring the way Soda stiffened a little as Steve pulled all the cigarettes over to his side.

"I learned from the best, Soda." I smiled innocently at my brother who snorted, punching me on the shoulder and jumping to his feet.

"C'mon you three. Dinner's ready. Pony, you need to take your pain pill." He obviously noticed how slow I was moving, and I felt my stomach turn over.

"After dinner. I gotta take them with food." I reminded him quietly, and he nodded. Steve was the only one looking my way when I paled, and his eyes narrowed a little but he didn't say anything, just heading into the kitchen to sit down at the table.

I could barely make myself swallow any of the chicken. My stomach turned as I thought of telling Darry I didn't want to take the pills. He'd get mad. I knew it. I couldn't stand the thought. Only a few weeks ago, him being mad at me would be pretty common, but apparently, you could be traumatized by something that never happened. Johnny died. I'd watched him. Thankfully, for some reason, I no longer saw it every time I closed my eyes, but I was convinced that if I took some pain pill it would fog up my head again, and I wouldn't know what was real and what wasn't. I'd go crazy.

I thought back to the week before Darry had hit me. It hadn't been a good one. Darry seemed to always be on me, and I was always in trouble for something or another. Then those socs had jumped me, and he'd been on me again for never using my head. I didn't want to go back to that.

Soda started to do the dishes, but I stood, telling him I'd get it. He hesitated, looking over at Darry who was watching me pretty closely, and I made myself stand up straight, hoping he saw that I really didn't mind. I wanted things back to normal…well, some things. Not the fighting. That I could do without.

"C'mon, Soda. There's a race on tonight." Steve spoke up, nudging my brother with a grin. I was almost grateful. I didn't want Soda around here worrying about me. He always went out on Friday nights. Why should this one be any different?

"Next time, you can come, alright, kiddo?" Soda asked, ruffling my hair a little, his eyes asking me not to be upset at him leaving without me. I just smiled.

"Sounds good," I told him, not looking at Steve, but knowing he'd be mad. Surprisingly, I was wrong.

"Yeah, kid. Once those ribs heal up, we'll take you down to the races." Darry almost choked on his food, and I stared at Soda's friend in wide-eyed amazement. Even Soda seemed surprised, but happily so. Maybe Steve did subconsciously know I'd saved him some broken ribs. Steve cleared his throat, ignoring our stares and my somewhat grateful look. "C'mon, Soda. Let's go." And with that, he tugged a grinning Sodapop out the door.

"Here, kiddo." Darry pushed the bottle over to me. I picked it up, hands shaking as I unscrewed the cap, my good mood evaporating. Which would be worse? Telling Darry and inviting a fight with my brother or just taking the damn pill and seeing my friend die over and over, every time I closed my eyes. "Pony?"

"I…" Darry was watching me, my hands clutching the pill bottle. Why did telling him this make me want to puke? Surely it was better than the alternative. Still, I was opening the bottle.

"What's wrong, Pony?" He asked, standing from the table. He would yell. We would fight. Johnny would die. They were inexplicably linked in my mind and I didn't know how to fix it. My hands shook, and my brother stepped forward, putting his hands on my shoulders. "What's the matter, kiddo?" My eyes were hot. I didn't want Johnny to die. I couldn't save him this time. It wouldn't happen again. Keep my mouth shut. It's all I had to do. "Ponyboy?"

"Nothing." I opened the pill bottle methodically, dropping one in my hand, but he grabbed my wrist, not hard, but enough to stop me.

"No. Not 'nothing.' What is it, Ponyboy?" He was getting mad. I was going to throw up. It was so clear…screaming, his hand on my face, running, the soc, Johnny's blade, the church, the fire…Johnny, dead. I yanked my arms out of his grip, dropping the pills on the floor and racing into the bathroom, trying to ignore the stabbing in my side as I threw up.

I was shaking, hard, and he knelt beside me, his hand on my back, rubbing slow circles. "Easy, little buddy." He murmured. The toilet flushed…he must have done that, cause I couldn't even lift my arms. I let my eyes close, but he caught me before I could rest my head on the toilet seat, pulling me back against him. The back of his hand rested against my forehead, but I didn't have a fever. "What's going on?" He asked softly.

"I don't like the pain pills," I told him quietly, hoping whoever or whatever had given me this second chance didn't hear me arguing with my brother again. "Make me feel funny, like I can't think. Sorry." I hurried to tack on the apology.

"You should have just told me that, Pony." He chastised me quietly, sounding confused.

"I don't want to fight with you." My voice was too small. I hoped he didn't take that wrong…like I was afraid of him hitting me or something. Him hitting me was the very least of my worries, but by the way he stiffened behind me, I could tell he took it wrong.

"Pony…" He almost choked on my name. I didn't bother trying to explain myself. It wasn't working anyway. He didn't continue that train of thought, however. He just stood, pulling me slowly and carefully up with him. Slowly and carefully we walked to the couch, and slowly and carefully we sat down, him with his elbows on his knees. "I still can't believe I hit you." He admitted after we'd sat in silence for some time.

"It's fine, Darry."

"It ain't fine." He almost snapped, and I flinched, looking down. He continued softer. "I'm your guardian. You shouldn't be afraid of me."

"I ain't afraid of you." He smiled a little at the way I spoke, all bravado and teasing.

"You shouldn't be afraid to tell me something if you need to. I don't want you taking some pills even though they make you sick just because you think I'll get mad if you don't."

"We were just fighting so much," I mumbled, staring downwards and not meeting his eyes. "All the time…since…" I couldn't bring up our parents so I let that go. "I didn't want that again." He shook his head, and I wondered if this conversation would have ever happened had Johnny's life not been saved. I doubted it. At the hospital, I'd realized that Darry didn't hate me, but at some point, I knew we'd have gone back to our daily arguments.

"Alright." He sighed softly, reaching up and rubbing the back of my head. "No more fighting, okay kiddo?" I must have looked skeptical, and he smiled a bit. "I mean it. It ain't worth it. We'll figure something out…just…no more fights. I swear. You gotta be honest with me, though. Like about the pills. And the nightmares. Okay?" I nodded. I didn't know if he meant it, or if he'd stick to it, but I was willing to try if he was. I couldn't be completely honest about the nightmares, but I could meet him halfway. "For now, how about you stick to aspirin. If that's not enough, we'll figure something else out. Sound good?"

Wholeheartedly on board with that idea, I nodded, planning to flush the other pills down the drain. "Good." He looped an arm around my shoulder, squeezing carefully, and for a long moment, we just sat on the couch, my head on his shoulder as he held me against him. He felt like my brother again. "Don't think this is going to get you out of doing the dishes." He announced after a while, standing and holding out a hand, making me laugh. I took the offered hand gratefully, following him to the kitchen where he handed me a bottle of aspirin. "Three." He told me, one more than he usually suggested.

I obeyed, certainly not about to complain about that, then headed over to the sink where I began to scrub the dirty plates, the sounds of him clearing the table and the quiet splashing of the water the only noise in the house.


	9. Inspections

Inspections

Darry picked up the paper once the kitchen was clean, sitting back in his recliner, which had once been Dad's recliner, and I grabbed my homework from the kitchen table. I had a lot to catch up on, and I wanted to get to it before I got back to school and fell really behind. When he'd still been in school, Darry and I would sometimes do our homework in the living room, him helping me out whenever I asked. He'd always been real good about that, even without Mom or Dad ever telling him. Sometimes Soda had joined us, but he spent most of the time goofing off trying to distract us.

I apparently had an English paper due in a week or so, and I wondered how that was going to happen. Focusing on math had been enough of a challenge. Writing an actual paper sounded impossible. Still, I managed some of the readings before my head was nodding, and Darry broke my concentration. "You can get an extension on your work, Pony. You were in the hospital." He told me, reaching over and taking the paper that was about to fall out of my hands, putting it on the table. "Why don't you go to bed?" It was only ten, and I didn't have a bedtime or anything, especially on Friday nights, but I agreed easily, even though Darry telling me not to do homework was unheard of.

"Don't know why I'm so tired. I slept for three days." I grumbled, standing and rubbing my eyes.

"Hospital, kiddo. You weren't asleep, you were unconscious. The doctors said you'd probably be out of it for a few days. I guess the pain pills didn't help, but since you switched to Aspirin, hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow." I nodded, heading into my room and grabbing clothes. I needed a shower.

After cleaning up and staring at my face in the mirror, particularly my still dark and long hair, I threw some pajama bottoms on and called out a 'good night' to Darry. The Aspirin weren't dulling the pain as much as the pain pills, but at least my head was clear…if exhausted. Hoping I would feel better in the morning, I let myself drift off, listening to the quiet sounds of Darry's newspaper rustling.

Johnny stood across from me, grinning. We were having the time of our lives. I laughed a little, surprised to see my friend look so…alive. The church burned around us, but we had a job to do. We quickly went back to work, hunting down those kids. I could hear them yelling in a back room, and I felt the heat of the flames lick Dally's jacket. Good thing he'd given it to me, else I'd probably be burned up by now.

"Back here!" I yelled to Johnny when I suddenly found myself in the room with the kids. "Hey, don't be scared. We're gonna get you out." I told them, and grabbed the first one who promptly bit me. Flinching and swearing, even though you're probably not supposed to swear in front of little kids in a church, burning or not, I glared at him. "Come on!" I snapped at the kid, grabbing him under his armpits and carrying him to the window where I found Dally, who, if possible, looked angrier than I'd ever seen him. No…not angrier. More like…afraid. He was scared. "Here!" I called, pushing the kid toward him, and he grabbed the boy, yanking him through the window and pushing him out onto the grass.

"You two get out of there right now!" He snapped, reaching for me, but I jumped away.

"There are more kids!" I told him, racing back into the rubble and ignoring him when he yelled for me to get my ass back there. Johnny came out carrying another kid, a little blonde haired girl, and I suddenly felt the pit of dread in my stomach. I knew how this ended. I froze, shaking my head. "No!" I screamed, reaching for Johnny, but he was already going back in. "Johnny! No!" I couldn't move. I couldn't move as the beam from the ceiling crashed down on him, the flames engulfing him. "NO! Johnny!" I ran toward him, but Dally was holding me back. "Dally! Please! Dally!" I was screaming so loud my throat hurt, but if Dally would just go get him…or let me go! "Help! Dally! Help!" I thrashed, fighting against the arms that held me until I got a stabbing reminder that, somehow my ribs were broken. I cried out, going still and falling back against Dally. "Please…please help." I begged, feeling hot tears dribble down my face. "Please."

"Ponyboy, wake up!" Someone ordered, sounding upset, and I realized that wasn't Dally holding me back.

My eyes snapped open, and I took a gasping breath in the dark, panting as I lay against someone's chest. Looking up, I found Soda, eyes bright and afraid. "Pony? You okay?" He asked shakily. These nightmares were getting old real fast. I nodded. "Can you sit up?" He asked, ready to help, but I must have twisted or something in my sleep because my side was killing me. I shook my head, staying where I was. "Darry!" Soda called, and our brother came in, looking exhausted with a glass of water in hand. I guess he always brought water because he needed something to do.

Our brother came and sat on the bed in front of me, his hand going to my forehead as he handed me the water. "He's breathing okay." He muttered to Sodapop as i took a drink before turning to me. "Pony?"

"What'd I do?" I asked, touching my side and handing him the glass back. The water wasn't really cold, but it had helped my throat.

"You were thrashing in your sleep. We couldn't wake you." Soda told me, shifting a bit behind me, and I realized I was probably hurting him, laying on him like that. I tried to sit up and Darry put a hand on my shoulder, helping me move over to my own pillow. "You remember what it was about?" Soda wanted to know as I was eased off of him, and I remembered Darry telling me that I had to be honest. How could I be honest about this? They'd think I was crazy! Heck, maybe I was.

"Fire," I told them simply, closing my eyes as I lay back on my pillow. Soda scooted over, his hand going to my hair where he pushed some of it back.

"What about fire?" He wondered. Darry remained where he was, and I was glad he was there. Having my brothers in my room after a nightmare always made me feel better, even if I'd never say it out loud…they'd think I was a baby. Soda knew anyway though, which was why he'd moved into my room I guess.

"There was a fire…we couldn't get out. Me and Johnny. And Dally." I clarified. Soda continued to stroke my hair while Darry sat on our bed, all of us silent for a while. Then Darry sighed softly, standing.

"Alright. Go back to sleep." He told us both, ruffling Soda's hair and then squeezing my shoulder. "I'll see you two in the morning."

"Sorry I woke you guys," I mumbled to Soda when Darry was gone. Soda surprised me, scooting forward and putting his arms around me, hugging me against him carefully. I must have really scared him.

"You ain't gotta be sorry. Darry told me about those pain pills. You should've told me, you know." I was too tired for that particular conversation, but I nodded anyway.

"Didn't want to fight with Darry." I tried to explain myself.

"He wasn't upset, kiddo." He told me gently. "Even if you thought he would have been, I wouldn't be."

"I know." He eased back but kept an arm around me and I closed my eyes, head tucked under his chin.

"You can always talk to me, Ponyboy." He said suddenly, and I could feel his words in his chest. "I know I'm at work a lot, or out with Steve…" I shook my head. I didn't want him thinking that he had to drop everything just to watch me all the time. Still, he went on. "You need me, I'm here, kiddo. I won't be upset or anything. You just gotta tell me, you dig?"

"I dig," I answered around a yawn, and he ruffled my hair. He might have said something else, but I was asleep right after, the last thing I remember is his hand on my hair.

Once more I was the first one up. Steve and Soda had work, but Darry was off. Still, I wasn't getting any more sleep, so I eased out from under Soda's arm, moving into the bathroom, then to the living room where I found Steve sound asleep on the sofa, his arm thrown over his face. I figured he and Soda had been out late the night before. It was almost eight o'clock, and Soda had to be at work at nine-thirty, so I didn't bother waking them yet. Besides, after last night my brothers deserved to sleep in.

I'd had nightmares since I was a little kid. The ones after my parents had died were different though. I never could remember them, no matter how much I tried. Honestly, I didn't really want to. If they were that bad, it was just as well I didn't remember them. But this was something new. I remembered them…the nightmare and the memories. I could only hope they would fade…eventually. Of course, thoughts of those nightmares brought me back to thoughts of Johnny, and I wondered if he was around. I knew he'd apparently gone with Dally, as he did sometimes when Dally had a race. He'd sleep on the floor in Dally's room. At least he was safe there…safe from socs and his parents and whatever other dangers roamed the streets.

"Shit!" I jumped, turning and finding myself face to face with Steve who had nearly run into me while turning the corner to the kitchen, his wide-eyed surprise mirroring my own. "Scared the shit outta me. What are you doing, kid?" He snapped, running a hand through his hair, shaking his head at me.

"Nothing," I told him honestly, even though I needed to start breakfast. He gave me a look, grabbing our carton of milk and taking a swig. I knew Darry would smack him for that, but I didn't much care if the guys drank our milk, even out of the carton. Darry always told our buddies that they might as well have been raised in a barn, what with the way they acted.

"Soda still asleep?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, grabbing a skillet. Before he could make any kind of smart remark, and if I knew him, it was coming, there was a knock on the door. I frowned, meeting his confused gaze. None of the gang knocked. Heck, even Tim Shephard didn't knock when he came over, which he rarely did. Dropping the skillet quietly onto the counter, I headed into the living room, opening the door slowly, and freezing when I saw the man on the other side. He wasn't our usual social worker, but I knew immediately who it was. I felt my face drain of blood, realizing what I'd forgotten. I'd killed someone. I'd been taken to the police station for questioning, then in the hospital for days. Of course the State would come by. Of course they would need to check up on us. It was worth it. Johnny and Dally were alive and it was worth it, but what if they took me away? Soda would be eighteen in less than a year…they probably wouldn't bother taking him away but what about me?

"Mr. Ponyboy Curtis?" The man asked, and I couldn't make myself answer. If I opened my mouth I might throw up, so I just nodded. "My name is Adam Summers, and I'm here from the State of Oklahoma. Can I speak to your guardian…" He glanced at his papers. Why did they always have to glance at their papers? Couldn't they remember the name 'Darrel?' "Darrel Curtis?" He finished after a long pause. "Mr. Curtis?" I didn't move. I didn't want him coming in. I couldn't remember if the house behind me was clean. I couldn't remember if I'd taken my medicine.

An arm dropped around my shoulders, and I might have fainted in shock had the situation not been so dire. "Darry's getting ready. Come on in."

"And you are…?" The guy was looking down at his papers again with some confusion.

"Steve Randle. A friend of Soda's. We were hanging out and I crashed here last night. We carpool to work on Saturdays." He told the social worker politely. Politely. I still couldn't believe this. Why did Steve have his arm around me? Still, the social worker accepted it, following us inside. Steve steered me away from the door so the man could step in, and then directed him to the couch. "I'm working on breakfast. Pony, get Darry and tell him the social worker's here, alright?" I didn't nod or anything as he led me to the kitchen, and when we turned the corner, he put his hands on my shoulders, talking quietly. "Hey!" He hissed, shaking me a little. It hurt but I didn't really register it. "Pull it together kid. They do surprise inspections all the time." He told me almost gently.

"I killed him," I told Steve dully, my eyes hot. I killed someone and now they were going to take me away.

"Shut up." He snapped, still keeping his voice down, but his hands were firm on my shoulders. Not tight, like he was trying to hurt me…more like hold me up. Maybe, subconsciously, he was grateful that my ribs were broken and not his. I smiled a bit, almost laughing, and he gripped my chin. "I swear, kid, you get crazy on me and I'll knock your block right off, savvy?" I nodded, and he let go of my face. "It was self-defense. There aren't even any charges against you. You were attacked in the park and you saved yourself and your friend. You ain't a killer, kid."

But I was. It had been so easy. I didn't even care that Bob was dead. It had been so easy to stick that knife in him. So incredibly easy. What if I did it again? Steve swore quietly, bringing me out of it. "Is everything alright?" I could hear the social worker in the living room.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Steve called, shaking me again for good measure. This time, I flinched, and he made his voice quiet. "Listen to me. Go into Darry's bedroom. Wake him up and tell him who's here. Then go get Soda." Did he know that Sodapop would have better luck comforting me, or did he just not want the job? "If you throw up on me, I swear…" He trailed off, the threat obvious. "Maybe you should lay down after you get Soda. You don't look so hot, kid." Had someone said that to me before? Without a word, I turned, surprised when Steve squeezed my shoulder before letting me go. "It'll be fine, Pony. We ain't gonna let anyone take you." He assured me, and I gave him a quick, grateful smile before heading into my big brother's room.

I never went into Darry's bedroom. Our parents' old bedroom. I didn't really think of it as our parents' anymore…even though Darry kept a picture of them on the wall, he had boxed up a lot of their stuff to put in the attic, with mine and Soda's help. It was the darkest room in the house, with thick curtains blocking out the morning sun. Darry slept best in the pitch black, just like our dad. Lying there, the blankets coming up to his neck, on his side with his back toward me, he looked so much like my dad that it hurt.

"Darry," I said his name quietly, not really entering the room and knowing that he wouldn't hear me. Darry could sleep through almost anything…except me screaming. That woke him up faster than a gunshot, which he'd also slept through once or twice. I inched into the room, standing by the bed and shaking. Surely I didn't have much longer before the social worker got suspicious. Taking a deep breath, I reached out and touched my brother's shoulder. "Darry," I spoke normally, shaking him a little, and he rolled over, eyes squinting up at me. We all looked younger when we slept.

"Hey, Pony. What's the matter?" His voice was rough with sleep as he glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Eight thirty-two. I suppose I must have been standing in the kitchen before Steve woke up for longer than I'd thought. It was time for Soda to get up. "Ponyboy?" I blinked a few times, staring down at him.

"There's…you gotta get up," I told him, my voice dull. I was gonna be taken away no matter what Steve had said. I'd killed somebody. "The State…" His eyes widened, and he jumped out of the bed. I took a few steps back, moving out of his way as he threw some clothes on, swearing softly.

"The normal lady?" I shook my head. He brushed his hair back, looking down at the grease for a minute, considering, before putting it into his hair and combing it back. "Who is it?"

"I don't know." He stopped what he was doing, turning to me with a frown, but not mad or anything…just worried. Everyone was worried about me.

He put his hands on his shoulders like Steve had, probably saying the same things, but man, I can't for the life of me remember. I was staring at him but not seeing him. Before, I'd seen Johnny in that hospital, but now, I saw something that had really happened. I saw my hand flush against Bob's back, the knife embedded in his body. How had I done that? How had it been so easy? How did I still not care that he was dead? Darry muttered something under his breath, not shaking me like Steve had but wrapping his arms around me, making me stiffen in surprise, then relax, putting my head on his shoulder.

"No one's gonna take you, ya got me?" He told me softly, then pulled away. "Let me go take care of this. Get Soda, and the both of you get dressed. Go." He steered me toward the door to my bedroom, which was right next to his, and then headed out to the living room. I glanced in the living room as he walked in, watching Steve talking to the social worker, his face calm and serious. I wondered what he was talking about but dismissed the thought immediately. I didn't have it in me to worry about that too.

Instead, I went into the bedroom I shared with Soda and sat on the bed beside him, shaking his shoulder. "Soda?" I muttered. He looked pretty tired so I didn't want to wake him, but he had work…and a social worker was in our living room. I couldn't hear the social worker. I wondered suddenly if I could smoke yet, then decided the answer was probably no. I wanted to lie back down and go to sleep but Darry had told me to get dressed, and I didn't care what he said about not fighting, I wasn't arguing about this. "Sodapop, get up." I shook him again, and this time, he woke.

"Ten more minutes, Pone." He mumbled, burying his face in his pillow.

"There's a social worker in the living room," I told him, making him shoot upright.

"What?" He must have seen in my face that I wasn't kidding and he jumped out of bed, swearing. "What are they doing here?"

"I killed someone," I told him simply, making him freeze and turn to me, his hands landing on my shoulders just like Steve and Darry. Why was this how people comforted me?

"Ponyboy, it was self-defense. They would have killed you. No one's going to take you away." I was glad everyone else believed that. "Ponyboy!" He dropped his forehead against mine, then hugged me tightly against him, not minding my ribs. The pain was worth it. "Kiddo, no one's taking you away. I won't let 'em. Hell, we'll run away if we have to." I could tell by his eyes that he was only half kidding. I thought of the last time I'd run away, though, or would have run away, and shuddered. He pulled away. "Get dressed. Everything's gonna be fine." I nodded, giving a half smile when he ruffled my ungreased hair. I really needed to fix it. It was flopping in my face, and I pushed it back in irritation.

In the living room, Darry was now talking to the stranger, their voices quiet and professional. My brother's back was to me and I couldn't tell if he was upset or not, but he stood tall, arms crossed as he nodded occasionally. The guy was tall, but not as tall as Darry, and that was comforting somehow. I hooked my thumbs into my pockets, leaning in the doorway of the kitchen where, much to my surprise, Steve was fixing eggs.

Soda had waited for me in the kitchen, and he gestured for me to come with him. I followed him into the living room where we both joined Darry, Soda wary and me resigned. I didn't want to think about being taken away…especially not now that Soda was seventeen and would only be with me for a year…if they even put us together. What if they took me away from Soda? What if I was alone with strangers for four years? "Pony?" Darry sounded worried again so I looked up from the carpet, finding all eyes on me.

"Huh?" I asked dumbly, and the social worker exchanged a glance with my brothers.

"I asked if I could speak to you for a moment…ask you a few questions." The social worker repeated himself, not looking irritated like I thought he would.

"Um…yeah. Sure." I mumbled, glancing over at Darry who dropped a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's sit down." He told me, guiding me to the couch. The social worker sat in the recliner, and my brother sat on either side of me, Darry leaning back against the side of the couch a little so he could watch me, and Soda so close he was pressed against me, his shoulder pressed to mine. I was glad the social worker didn't want to talk to me alone. Our normal lady was okay, but when she talked to me alone, she always seemed to ask me questions that I was afraid to answer. Like how did Darry and I get along? And if I had friends at school. I just wanted to know the right thing to say so I could stay with my family.

"How are you feeling, Ponyboy?" The man asked. I wished that I'd remembered his name.

"I'm fine," I told him shortly. I was growing to hate that question.

"You were recently in the hospital…just a few days ago, in fact. For broken ribs…you also had surgery." That wasn't a question, so I didn't say anything. "What happened?" He leaned in, elbows on his knees, reminding me of that lawyer from the police station. I'd asked Darry and Soda if we had to pay him, and Darry had explained that public defenders are paid by the government. For some guy who didn't have a lot at stake if we'd lost, he'd been pretty tuff. I wished I could thank him, but I hadn't seen him since the police station.

"Got jumped."

"Yes…that's what the police report said." I felt my hackles rise. If he had read the police report, why was he asking me that? "May I speak to Ponyboy alone for a moment?" He asked, and I felt my hands close into fists as I fought the urge to run. Soda seemed to sense this and put a hand on my shoulder. Darry, however, just nodded. He couldn't say no. I knew that. The first time a social worker had come and had asked to speak me alone, I'd refused, holding on to Soda and glaring at her whenever she tried to talk to me…it had only been a few days after our parents' funeral. But Darry had pulled me aside, hands on my shoulders and eyes sad and desperate. This was before we'd begun fighting over every little thing.

"Pony, I don't want them to take you anywhere." He'd told me softly, squeezing my shoulders as I'd almost cried. I'd swallowed hard, trying not to start bawling. "You don't want to leave, do ya?" I'd shaken my head. I was still afraid he'd change his mind back then…give me to the state and live his own life. I knew he had every right to. "You gotta talk to them, okay? If I'm gonna be your guardian, we gotta work with the state. That means answering their questions, and if they wanna talk to you alone, then you gotta do it. Okay?" I'd sniffed, then, nodding, and he'd pulled me close, his hands on my back as mine gripped his t-shirt. "I know it's hard, kiddo. Just answer their questions and they'll leave." So I had.

But that first time, the lady had put her hand on my shoulder, trying to tell me that I would be better off with a real guardian…that my parents wouldn't want their oldest son to give up so much to raise me. I'd jerked away, crying for real then and dropping onto the sofa, cowering away from her, not caring that I didn't look tough. She must have got my brothers because Soda had been beside me the next minute. "What's going on? What's wrong, Pony?" He'd asked. Soda could almost always get me to talk. It had taken a while, during which Darry had tried and failed to get the same information out of the lady, but I'd finally told him. Soda and Darry had been so mad that Darry had told her to get out.

"That's my little brother! No one is going to take my little brothers away from me, and I don't care what our parents would have thought about it!" He'd shouted. Then he'd called the state to tell them what had happened while Soda tried to reassure me that our parents would want us together. Later, Darry had assured me of the same thing…that our parents would want us together, and regardless, so did he. And we'd gotten a new social worker.

Now I watched my brother leave the room, Soda giving me a backward glance before disappearing into the kitchen where I could smell breakfast. "Ponyboy?" I turned to the social worker, giving him my attention. "The report says you fled the house after an argument with your older brother." He was talking normally, and I knew Darry could hear. I hoped once more that he hadn't said anything about that night. "What were you arguing about?"

I remembered the original story and stuck to it. "I was out too late, and Darry was worried. I got angry and he yelled…" I shrugged. "I shouldn't have been out so late. I was a jerk about it." I would take the fall for this. No problem.

"So you left?"

"I ran off. I was mad and he was mad…I just wanted to cool off. But I shouldn't have left…"

"So you could have stayed in the house? Just…gone to your room?" What was he asking me?

"Yeah. That would have been better." I shrugged.

"Your brother would have let you?" I nodded without pausing. It was never good to let them think my brother wouldn't 'let' me do something. Don't say 'Darry won't let me go to the movies,' say 'Darry wants me to do my homework before I go out.'

"Of course." I thought back to that night. Would he have? Maybe if I'd apologized. Maybe. He was pretty mad. But I'd been mad too…I'd been defensive and hadn't really listened to anything he'd said so I really didn't know if he'd have let me just go to bed. But I certainly wasn't telling the social worker that.

"Do you think, had you stayed, that your brother would have become violent?" I knew Darry could hear us…heck, Soda and Steve could too, I'm sure. I went cold all over.

"No," I told him coldly, glaring now. How dare him accuse my brother of being violent toward me? He didn't even know us!

"So, you leaving had nothing to do with your brother losing his temper?" He was being careful now, but I was still mad. "Your brother has never lost his temper with you? Hit you?"

"Never. My brothers would never hit me!" I snapped, leaning forward as though I'd jump up and leave any minute.

He put his hands up, trying to soothe me. "Of course." He had no proof, so even if he suspected something, it didn't matter. I was a good liar. Besides, Darry wouldn't ever hit me…again. I knew that, and that was all that mattered. I wasn't scared of my brother. Whatever issues we had, we'd work them out. Without the help of a social worker. "Why don't you get Sodapop? I'd like to speak to him as well. " I nodded, standing slowly and making my way into the kitchen, hoping I could hunt down some Aspirin.

"Pony?" Soda was leaning against the refrigerator and Darry sat at the table, picking at some eggs. He looked upset, and I knew Soda didn't have long before he had to leave. Steve was getting antsy over by the stove...he didn't want to be late for work.

"He wants to talk to you," I told my brother who mumbled irritably under his breath, touching my shoulder as he passed me.

"Alright. Eat something." He told me, heading into the living room. I sat across from Darry, looking down at the plate Steve sat in front of me. Glancing up at Steve, then at the plate, I turned to Darry. "Think it's safe?" My brother cracked a smile then.

"I happen to be a great cook, smartass." Steve snapped, a cigarette perched precariously behind his ear. I felt the urge to snatch it but didn't…he might act on instinct and if he tackled me we'd all regret it. Besides, there was a social worker in the other room.

"I wasn't saying you weren't. I was just wondering if you poisoned mine." I told him dryly. Darry sighed but Steve snorted a laugh.

"Guess you'll have to take your chances." He pushed a plate of eggs at me, and I mumbled my thanks as I glanced back at the living room. Darry was watching them too, but was obviously trying not to look worried. I knew he'd heard our conversation, and I wanted to say something, but the social worker was still there, so I didn't dare.

"Kid. Eat." Steve told me, whacking me on the back of the head. I glared up at him but took a bite of eggs. I wasn't going to argue with him right now…maybe later.

"Darry?" I asked, but he shook his head, still looking into the living room where Soda was talking quietly to the social worker.

"Eat, Pony." He instructed me quietly. So I did. 'No arguing with Darry.'

The social worker left a few minutes before Soda and Steve had to go to work. As soon as he was out the door, Soda was scrambling to find his hat and pull shoes on, while Steve sat at our table, eating some breakfast while I continued to pick at mine. "You're a good liar, kid." He commented when Darry left to help Soda find his hat. I swallowed hard, dropping my fork.

"I didn't lie," I told him sharply. Darry wouldn't ever hit me again. I knew that. There was no reason we should be punished for one mistake. He'd tried to get me to come back. He'd called out after me…I remembered his face after he'd hit me. He'd yelled for me, begging me to come back. Why hadn't I just gone back! Steve was watching me strangely like he had been since I'd woken up from the hospital, and I stood, pushing my plate away and going into my room, passing Darry and Soda who watched me go. Everyone was watching me these days.

"Kiddo? You okay?" Darry asked softly as I sat on the bed.

"Fine," I told him casually, laying down and pulling the blankets around me. I could feel them both pause, and then Soda broke the silence.

"I'll see you guys tonight. Come on Steve!" The last part was shouted as he headed for the door, and for a while, it was quiet in the house. I wasn't tired anymore, so I stared at the wall, trying to keep my hands from shaking. I didn't want them to take me away. I didn't want to be alone. I'd killed someone, though. I'd murdered a guy…I'd stabbed him in the back. I thought again of the knife sliding into his back…I clamped my jaw shut, closing my eyes tight.

"Morning!" The front door slammed shut, the sound jolting me out of my thoughts, and the next thing I heard was Darry, his voice sharp and quiet. I couldn't make out the words but I figured he was telling Two-Bit what had happened. I closed my eyes again. I just wanted to go back…back before Darry had hit me. That had worked once. Or even right after…the minute I'd hit the door. I wanted to be sitting on the floor, looking up at my big brother who had just smacked me across the face, just like Two-Bit had earlier…like Randy and then Dallas would later that night if I did it the same way. But that was different because Darry had never hit me. Still, this time, I would stay. This time, I would let Darry apologize and I'd not and follow Soda back to bed. We would all be safe and I wouldn't have to kill anyone to save my friend.

I wasn't mad at Darry. I didn't blame him. Even right after, I don't think I was really mad. Scared, probably, for a moment. He was huge, and for just a moment I was a scrawny kid on the floor, and he was standing over me. I was hurt. Not physically, although it didn't really feel good. Betrayed. Sad. Indignant.

Someone sat on the bed, pulling me from my thoughts again…I hadn't even heard them come in. A hand dropped onto my forehead. "Kiddo? Are you okay?" Darry had to deal with so much. He was only twenty. He should be at school…about to graduate. Only coming home at holidays...writing us letters and talking to us on the phone. Maybe even have a real girlfriend. Not working full time and supporting two kid brothers…dealing with the bills and the state and a teenager who came home late and yelled at him and killed someone.

"I wish I hadn't run," I told him suddenly, closing my eyes and feeling his hand move from my forehead to my hair. "Gosh, Dar…I wish I hadn't run off." I bit down hard on my lip, praying they wouldn't take me away. Not now. I didn't know if I could take it. "I wish I'd just stayed…just gone to bed."

"I wish I hadn't hit you." He told me in a sad, far-off voice. I glanced up at him but he was staring out the window. "I wish to God I hadn't hit you…that I had just let you go to bed and talked to you in the morning." Then he looked down at me. "I wish I would have followed you out that door. Bad enough I hit you, but then I let you run off in the middle of the night. I thought…I thought maybe you'd run into Dally and he'd let you stay at his place...or Two-Bit. Or maybe that you'd sleep in the lot with Johnny. I thought you'd be safe, kiddo." He was pleading with me to understand. I did.

"I know." If he'd have known about the socs…that they were after Johnny and me because of those girls, I knew he would have come after me, mad or not. He would have made sure they didn't get to me…dragged me and Johnny back to the house with Soda's help.

He took a deep breath, leaning forward. "But I did. I hit you. And now you have to lie to a social worker…"

"It's not a lie," I told him, same as I'd told Steve. "You wouldn't ever hit me. Not again." I knew that. His jaw clenched, eyes narrow. He wasn't mad at me, though. I knew that look. "What did the social worker say?" I asked, hoping to distract him. It seemed to work.

"It was a surprise visit…since no charges were filed, we aren't in trouble. We just need to lay low for a while. Stay out of trouble." I nodded. That I could do. "Did you take your medicine?"

"I don't know," I admitted, and he gave me a troubled look. "I don't think so."

"You don't have to worry about the state, Pony. I'm going to take care of it. Okay?" I just nodded again. I wanted to believe that. "Come on, kiddo. I'm sure Two-Bit is ready to tell us all about what he did last night." He told me dryly, standing and offering me a hand. I took it, pushing the covers off. Sleeping all day wouldn't make this problem go away, and I still had plenty of homework to do.


	10. Steve's Vigil

Steve's Vigil

I'd spent a lot of time with the kid over the last few days, and he'd been asleep for most of it. When he'd gone to the hospital, Soda had wanted to spend as much time as he could by his unconscious brother's bedside, but they needed the money. Darry was able to get half shifts, but he, too, was very aware that they needed money, especially now that there would be hospital bills. So, after the first day when the kid had only been allowed to have visitors for a few hours after his surgery, Dally, surprisingly, had been the one to step up, knowing Soda and Darry couldn't take much time off.

"You two got bills to pay. We'll take turns staying with the kid." He'd told Darry while lighting a cigarette, which I'm almost certain he wasn't supposed to be smoking in the kid's hospital room. They'd let Dally leave a few hours after Ponyboy, but he'd hung around the station, loitering until they let Johnny go the next day. The first place they wanted to go when I picked them up that afternoon was to see the kid, especially Johnny who still seemed pretty tore up about it.

Of course, I didn't blame him. When Soda had gotten the call from Dal, I'd thought he was going to run my car into a tree. I'd hurried after him, telling him I'd drive, and the whole way there he'd been wound so tight I'd thought he was gonna snap. His head pressed against the window, hands clenched tight, he'd been silent the whole time while Two-Bit fumed in the back seat. I'd remembered seeing them take the kid…jerking him around and handcuffing him…how he'd been wheezing for breath. Broken ribs were  
a bitch, and to have a couple of meathead cops manhandling you when you could barely breathe without it hurting was even worse.

I'd found myself comforting the kid, telling him we were going to take care of it, and for the first time I could remember, the kid had given me this look…like he was so grateful…like he was relying on me. So when Two-Bit had decided to go after those socs, I knew it was a good plan. Even when we had those girls cornered, all I could think about was that kid looking up at me, hands behind his back as a cop shoved him forward, eyes thanking me for offering to do something anyone of our gang would have done. In the car with Soda and Two-Bit, I'd realized I hadn't thought of the kid as a tag-along brat for a while, and I had to admit, it hadn't bothered me as much as it should have.

Soda had jumped out of the car the second we'd entered the parking lot, barely giving me time to slam on my breaks, and Two-Bit had been right behind him. It took me a little longer, since I'd had to find a parking space somewhere in that maze of a parking lot, but when I'd finally made it to the waiting room, I had been surprised to find Darry standing upright, arms so tight around Soda that I'd thought he might break his ribs too, but Soda had been gripping him just as tight, and they were both shaking, Darry fighting tears. Two-Bit had had his hands shoved in his pockets, staring stonily at the floor, but had glanced up when I'd approached.

"Kid's in surgery." He'd told me, his eyes betraying the tough look he was trying to project. Two-Bit was scared. The two brothers had stayed like that for a long time while Two-Bit and I had stood by, watching the nurses who scurried around, some giving us worried looks as though we were gonna cause some kind of scene. Then again, I supposed I hadn't really slept in a while, my hair was a wreck, as was Two-Bit's, and we were all carrying blades, so it was probably a pretty normal assumption. But we'd had no intention of causing any problems. Not then, when the kid was in surgery.

"They say anything?" I'd asked Two-Bit while Darry and Soda had tried to collect themselves. He'd turned to me.

"Nah. Not that I know of. These two started this as soon as we walked in." At that point, Darry had pulled back, trying real hard to keep himself from falling apart. I had seen it in his face. One more piece of bad news and he'd shatter. Soda, on the other hand, had already been a wreck. "The doctor say anything?" Two-Bit had asked.

Darry had shaken his head. "Not really." His voice was low and rough. "They took him back and one of the paramedics said he needed surgery." He'd shrugged. Nodding, I'd tilted my head towards the chairs we had been standing by, and, taking the hint, Darry had pulled Soda into one of them, sitting beside him. I'd moved to his other side, while Two-Bit dropped onto the floor. Nudging my friend with my shoulder, I'd given him a quick smile.

"Your kid brother is tough, Soda. You know that. He'll be alright." I'd thought about making a smart remark about him being back to his bratty self but thought better of it. I hadn't really been in the mood anyway.

"We gotta deal with the police too." Darry had spoke up. "They've still got Johnny and Dal. Pony's still in police custody, technically." Apparently, the police had made that abundantly clear, and I'd swore, too quietly for the passing nurses to overhear.

"Don't you worry, Darry. We already took care of that." Darry had given Two-Bit a started look, then had turned to me. Our jovial friend had been quiet, but I knew Darry had no idea what we'd been up to all morning.

"We had a chat with some socs. Two-Bit here convinced 'em to spill what really happened to the police. The broads too."

"Steve…" I'd shaken my head at Soda.

"We had some help. Tim and his gang were around, and you know he likes Johnny and the kid.

"We really appreciate it, Steve." Darry had told me quietly, and I'd shaken him off.

"It was Two-Bit's idea." I'd told him simply. I was fine with letting them think I was just along for the ride.

An hour or two later, a nurse had come into the waiting room, looking at us hesitantly. She was young…only a few years older than us probably, and she'd glanced back down at her clipboard before approaching. "The family of Ponyboy Curtis?"

On the first syllable of his name, both of his brothers had jumped up. Two-Bit and I had followed, watching her closely. She'd tried to smile a bit, but she still looked nervous. "Is he okay?" Soda had demanded, voice high pitched and desperate, and Darry had dropped a hand on his shoulder, looking scared himself.

"Um…he had to have emergency surgery. He was having difficulty breathing due to a nick in his lung…he has four broken ribs and two more are bruised. They are going in to repair the damage done to his lung…we'll let you know how he's doing as soon as we know more." The girl had seemed to gather herself, her professional look hiding whatever she really felt about us.

"How long will it take?" Darry had asked, keeping an arm around Sodapop.

"It could be several hours, depending on what kind of damage there is…we'll keep you updated. If you have any questions you can ask for me and I'll find out what I can. Just ask for nurse Hattie." Darry had thanked her and then we'd gone back to waiting.

When we'd finally been allowed back in the kid's room, it had been pretty rough. The kid had been too pale, a mask over his face helping him breathe, and an IV in had been stuck in both his hands right above his wrists. I'd thought Soda was gonna fall over, and I'd draped an arm around him, looking at him rather than the kid. It was easier to look at Soda…looking at the kid made my stomach lurch. He should have been jumping up and making some kind of smart remark at me for being in his hospital room, not just lying there. Soda had been the first to snap out of it, moving over to his little brother's bed, and he'd just sat there, holding his limp hand, eyes wet.

Dally and Johnny and I stayed with the kid the first full day. I'd been pretty surprised to see Dally in his room that morning, with Johnny trailing behind. I mean, I knew Dally liked the kid, but hospital rooms weren't really his thing. Still, he'd plopped down in a chair right by the kid's side across from me. I knew he'd been there the day before too, when Darry and Soda had both taken full days off to spend with him.

"We supposed to talk to him?" Johnny had asked after a few minutes of silence, and I'd shrugged.

"Man, I don't know." I'd glanced at Dally but he was staring at his hands, apparently not paying much attention. The day before I'd been working, trying to cover for Soda, clocking him in even though he didn't show. I knew if the boss caught us doing that one of us would get fired, and it would probably be me. Soda drew girls like flies to honey.

I knew Soda had talked to him for a while the day before when he and Darry had been there, but I didn't know what to say, so we were all silent until Two-Bit showed up, eyes bloodshot but acting sober enough. He looked kind of ashamed, and he wouldn't meet any of our eyes. No one had said anything about his drinking, though. Since we were all in the room, I'd thought about pulling out the cards and playing a few hands, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, we had all been real quiet until the kid had started talking.

"Two-Bit's in Texas." He'd said, mumbling, but the words had come across clear as anything under the oxygen mask over his mouth. We'd all jumped, even Dally, and then the kid said it again. "Two-Bit's in Texas." I'd snorted, realizing the kid was talking in his sleep.

"Hear that, Two-Bit? You're in Texas." Two-Bit had cracked a smile at my weak attempt at a joke.

"Kid's having some weird dreams." He'd told us, making Johnny grin at his friend. I'd had to agree. Why on earth would Ponyboy dream about Two-Bit going to Texas?

"Johnny? Are you okay?" Johnny had sighed at that, shaking his head.

"Man, why does he keep asking me that?" He'd asked no one in particular. It did seem weird…then again, I'd figured the kid was dreaming about those socs. He was scared they were gonna hurt Johnny, I guess. It was something he'd asked a lot over the coming days.

"Is Dally okay?" The kid had asked next, and Dally had given him a weird, tight look.

"I'm fine, kid." He spoke to Pony directly, reaching out and touching the kid's shoulder. "How about you worry about yourself?" The kid's face had changed then, eyebrows furrowing.

"Why?" No one answered that…we had all waited for a minute, thinking the kid was gonna wake up, but he didn't. Instead, he had continued to mumble every few minutes, sometimes staying silent for hours before talking again. After a while, Dally and Johnny had split, leaving me with just Two-Bit until his brothers had shown up again. The kid had still been mumbling in his sleep and Soda had asked if he was awake.

"He's talking in his sleep." I had told him as Darry arrived. Apparently, he'd stopped to talk to a nurse on his way in...the nice girl "He's been doing it all day. Didn't he do it yesterday?" I'd asked, moving out of the way so Darry could have my seat. My butt was numb from sitting in that stupid chair anyway.

"No…" Soda had mumbled, dropping into the chair Dally had been using earlier and touching his brother's face. But the kid hadn't stirred, and he'd been silent until the next day. I'd arrived right at 9 when hospital visiting hours started up. I don't know why. The kid hadn't known the difference. Still, I didn't have anything else to do. Besides, I'd figured the guys would show up at some point, and I probably owed it to Soda to look out for the kid when he was unconscious.

Nurses had been bustling around him when I'd arrived, and I had hung back against the wall when one of them had removed his oxygen mask. "Don't he need that?" I'd asked, and the nurse from the waiting room, Hattie, had turned to smile in surprise at me.

"Oh. No. We're giving him a nasal cannula to supply him with oxygen." Another nurse had moved out of the way, showing that instead of the mask he'd had before, he now had a thin piece of plastic running under his nose and behind his head. "We're hoping he'll wake up within the next day or so." Smiling one last time at me, she and the other nurse had headed out, and I was glad he at least had a nice nurse looking out for him. Usually, the hospital staff we dealt with looked at us like dirt and treated us the same.

Dropping into the chair I'd begun to think of as 'Darry and my chair,' I'd leaned back, staring at the still pale, still silent kid. "You gonna wake up anytime soon, kid?" I'd asked. Of course, there was no answer, and I'd gone back to staring at the walls, looking forward to when the guys got there…and when this kid finally woke up and we could all go home.

"What do you care?" I'd jerked upright, turning to the kid with wide eyes. Was he awake? He'd sounded just like he usually did when I said he couldn't come with us somewhere, or when I would rag on him about something.

"Kid?" I'd asked, leaning in and touching his arm, but there was nothing. I'd snorted to myself, rolling my eyes. That place was getting to me.

Two-Bit and Dally had showed up later, around noon with food for me. "Maybe the smell of food will wake him up." Two-Bit had suggested cheerfully, dropping bags of hamburgers on the table by his bed. Dal had rolled his eyes at that, pulling out a burger and dropping into 'his and Soda's chair' while he dug in. It seemed Two-Bit was once more in high spirits.

"Where's Johnny?" I'd asked, taking a burger and nodding my thanks to Two-Bit.

"Went home last night." Dal had told me simply. Before I could ask if he was okay, the kid has spoken up again.

"Is Johnny okay?" He had mumbled, tossing a bit in the bed, his head falling to one side. He'd looked scared this time. I had been kind of freaked out too…it was like the kid had read my mind.

"What does he keep asking that for?" Two-Bit had asked, swallowing his burger and leaning in. He'd been sitting by Dally, his back to the door, and he touched the kid's leg over the blanket.

"Dally." The kid had said instead of answering, and we'd all turned our full attention to him, putting our food down for the moment.

"What about Dally, Pony?" Two-Bit had asked, squeezing his knee and looking over at Dallas who had watched all this silently, his own eyes narrowed in confusion.

"He'll lose it…if Johnny dies." The kid had tossed again, this time turning his head toward Dally and Two-Bit, jaw tight as he seemed to fight with something. I'd shaken my head, meeting Two-Bit's gaze. "And we'll lose both of them." The kid had sounded scared, but suddenly he was calm as he'd spoken again. "He won't mind so much if I die." We'd all froze, Dally clenching his jaw and going kind of white. Two-Bit had closed his eyes for a moment, keeping his hand on Pony's leg.

Suddenly, Dally had stood, hands clenched as he'd turned to leave the room. "He doesn't know what he's saying, Dal. He's asleep." I'd called, starting to stand, but he'd turned to me with his normal cold, icy blue stare.

"I don't give a shit what the kid said. I just got better things to do than stick around here all day." He'd snapped, shutting the door hard on his way out. I'd sighed, sitting back in the chair and turning to Two-Bit. I knew it had gotten to Dal, hearing the kid say he wouldn't care if Pony died…wouldn't mind so much. Of course he'd mind. We'd all mind. Stupid kid. Even as I thought it, I'd felt bad.

"I told him the gang couldn't exist without Johnny." Two-Bit had said miserably, and, having had enough of all this moping, I'd leaned over the kid's bed, whacking my friend in the head.

"Cut it out. Nobody's dying, and we ain't gonna have to exist without any of us."

"I hit him…he was ragging on Johnny and I hit him..."

"Two-Bit, the kid is gonna be fine! Golly, you act like this is his deathbed we're sitting at. We're just keeping an eye on him until he wakes up, so pull yourself together. We aint doing him any good by crying over you giving him a good smack he probably deserved." He'd given me a cold, almost hurt stare then, but I'd ignored him. Stupid kid needed to wake up. Soon.

And he had. On the morning of the fourth day, early in the morning, he'd stirred, opening his eyes suddenly and staring at the ceiling for a long time. "Kid?" I'd asked, leaning in, sure he would just close his eyes and go back to being unconscious. I'd kind of gotten used to the silence, although I wasn't about to tell anyone else that. Nor did I want anyone telling the kid I'd spent the majority of the last two days at his bedside. He'd go getting the wrong idea.

He'd mumbled something, turning to look at me with bleary, exhausted eyes.

"Glory kid." I'd exhaled, almost smiling. "I thought you'd never wake up."

"You told me to." He'd told me, eyes narrow and confused, and it had taken me a minute to remember the previous day's one-sided conversation. "Yeah, kid, yesterday." I'd snorted, apparently only confusing him more, because the idiot kid had started to sit up before I'd jumped up, holding out a hand and telling him to stay. Surprisingly, he'd listened, and once I'd given him an overview of what had happened, he'd been out of it once more, leaving me to get the doctor and call everyone.

All of that to say, I'd spent quite a lot of time with the kid, enough to know that, when I turned the corner to find the kind just staring into space, something was wrong. He hadn't even made a smart remark when I'd asked what he was doing. Grumpy and tired, I decided to ignore him. I knew he wasn't taking those pain pills anymore, since, according to Darry, they were making him sick. Maybe that explained all the sleeping he'd been doing. I knew pain pills could mess with you pretty bad, so I didn't blame him. I just wondered how well aspirin would do with broken ribs.

The kid was still moving slow, and for a moment, he just stayed where he was, leaning against the wall. "Soda still asleep?" I asked, trying to make conversation. I'd never really needed to with the kid before, but I kind of felt like I should now. He seemed upset about something, and even though I didn't know if I wanted him spilling his guts to me about it, I knew he might need to talk to someone. He'd killed someone. He was bound to be upset about that. He sure seemed to think about it a lot, if the far off, frightened look in his eyes was anything to go by. But his nightmares, according to what I'd heard the night before, were about a fire...him and Johnny and Dally in a fire.

"Yeah." The kid answered, grabbing a skillet while I took a drink of milk straight from the carton. I knew he didn't care, while Darry would chew me out for it. Pony was good at keeping his trap shut...sometimes. I guess I appreciated that about him. If he could just stop following his big brother around like a shadow and making smart remarks...well, who was I kidding? He'd always be a little pain, but that didn't mean I didn't care. What he'd said before...Dally wouldn't mind so much if he died...it made me feel sick. Did he really think that? If he thought Dally wouldn't care, what did he think about me? Before I could even figure out how to begin to breach that topic, however, there was a knock at the door.

No one ever knocked on the Curtis' door. Ever. We all just walked right in. The only people that ever knocked were door to door salesmen who never quite had the nerve to try and push things on Darry, people asking for donations (who also never had the nerve to push Darry…Darry was big) and social workers. I knew they were probably due for a visit within the next few weeks, but this was different. Leaning in the doorway to the living room, I watched as Pony stared up at the strange guy. Social worker. The normal lady was okay…nice enough, and she knew all of their names. This guy kept staring at his clipboard like this was one of his many families to visit today. It set my teeth on edge. And the kid still wasn't saying a word to this guy, even after he introduced himself and all but asked if he could come in. So I decided to rescue him, throwing my arm around him and assuring the social worker that we'd get Pony's guardian for this little unexplained chat.

It was never good when new social workers came sniffing around; I knew it and the kid knew it, and I winced inwardly when I felt how he was shaking. The kid was barely holding it together. I knew he was still having those nightmares…he'd woken me up the night before. Still, I didn't much hold it against him. Kid couldn't help it. Not sleeping put him on edge though. "Darry's getting ready," I told the social worker, squeezing the kid's shoulder. "Come on in."

"And you are?" I smiled, trying to sound as polite as possible while explaining who I was and what I was doing there before dragging the kid away.

Ponyboy was falling apart, which was obvious when he opened his mouth. "I killed him." The kid's eyes were dull and unfocused, and I swore inwardly, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. It probably hurt but he had to snap out of it!

"Shut up," I whispered, squeezing his shoulders in what I hoped was a comforting way. His face went from dull and unfocused to a slow, crazed smile, and I grabbed his chin, warning him not to get crazy on me. I could see why Dally had slapped him. He nodded, but I wasn't convinced he was really taking all of this in.

"If everything alright?" The guy in the living room had called.

"Yeah, everything's fine!" I called back, shaking the kid again. He flinched and I quit abruptly, not wanting him hurt for real. I knew that we needed Darry, and I knew Soda was better with him than I was, so I sent him off to get his brothers, reassuring him that we weren't going to let anyone take him. I meant it too. No one was taking that kid away from his home.

As he disappeared into Darry's room, I stood in the kitchen for a minute, staring at the skillet. I didn't know if there was anything I could do. If they decided to take the kid...what could I really do? I had a chance, though. I could at least talk to this guy...try and explain things. Making up my mind, I headed back into the living room with the social worker, hoping I wasn't about to make things worse. Still, I had to try, what with how the kid had been acting.

"Mr…" I trailed off, hoping he'd get the point.

"Summers. Adam Summers." He introduced himself, holding out a hand I shook.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Summers." It wasn't but I'd lie if I had to. I told myself I was doing this for Soda, but for some reason, I couldn't quit thinking of the kid's face when I'd first walked into their house a few nights ago…after finding out that Darry had hit him and he'd run off. I didn't want this family to go through anything else. "I just wanted to say…um…the kid…Ponyboy's been pretty upset since the hospital. He's hurting pretty bad, and he's still recovering from that night." All that was true, although I had no business saying it to a social worker. Ever since killing that guy, the kid seemed to zone out half the time, face going pale and hand shaking.

The social worker didn't say anything, just watched me, so I hurried on, hating that I felt like I was trying to explain myself to a teacher or the principal or something. "They're going through a hard time. Pony's having nightmares, and his brothers are real worried about him. Just…can you take it easy on them? The place is kind of a mess because they were working or with him in the hospital the last few days." I shrugged, stopping abruptly and shoving my hands into my pockets just as Darry stepped into the room, giving me a questioning look then turning to the social worker with a grim smile as they shook hands. I'd done the best I could. Figuring the rest was up to Darry and Soda and the kid, I headed into the kitchen to make breakfast, hoping I hadn't made anything worse.


	11. Outings

Outings

Two-Bit grinned when I followed Darry into the room. It was about ten, so I hadn't been in bed for that long. I wondered how long he'd been there, as he was digging into a plate of eggs, a glass of milk rather than beer beside his plate. "There you are,  
kid! Thought you'd sleep all day." I was glad he didn't mention the social worker. I didn't want to talk about that.

"Not with you around I can't." I quipped, grinning at him, and he chuckled.

"What kind of friend would I be if I let you sleep all day and miss your last day of freedom?" He asked, waving a forkful of eggs at me.

"A lousy one." I told him, grinning as I dropped in front of him. "What do you mean, last day of freedom?" I asked. I had an idea, but I didn't know if Darry was gonna let me go back.

"Two-Bit, I think tomorrow might be too soon." Darry warned him, touching my shoulder as he headed over to the sink. I wasn't sure if I agreed or not. On one hand, getting back to normal would take my mind off of everything. On the other, if I got cornered  
by a soc, I'd be out of luck with some broken ribs. I knew I had Steve and Two-Bit and Johnny all looking out for me. Still, moving around wasn't easy.

I didn't comment. If Darry wanted me to go back, I decided, I'd go. Wasn't gonna argue. I knew he wouldn't hit me again…I wasn't scared of that. But I didn't want to fight with Darry anymore regardless. I wondered how long we could go without him getting  
mad. "You finish your homework yet?" I asked him, pulling mine over from where it had been sitting in the middle of the table.

"Kid, I don't think I've done a single piece of homework all year." He told me wryly. "I'm waiting for you to catch up so I can copy off you all year and amaze everyone." I laughed as Darry did the dishes, and I opened my English book, looking again at  
the assignment. Write a theme. That was pretty much it. About anything. I thought about writing about what had happened to me, fighting back the laugh. Darry would be called, and they'd all have me committed. "Maybe I should start if it's that funny."  
Two-Bit lifted an eyebrow, watching me fight a laugh. "Good English assignment?" He asked. I shook my head.

"Nah. I gotta write a paper by the end of the week." Just the thought made me kind of tired.

"I'll talk to your teachers, Pony." Darry reminded me. "You're gonna need more time. I still don't know if you should go back so soon. I know your ribs still hurt." He told me, pushing a bottle of pills over at me. Inside were my antibiotics and I swallowed  
one, taking a swig of water to wash it down.

I ended up sitting at the table for a long time, working on anything but that English theme. Instead, I did science, answered more math questions, and did whatever English I could focus on. Darry and Two-Bit didn't bug me, just headed into the living  
room, leaving me in peace as they spoke quietly or watched TV. I didn't want Darry stressing out about entertaining me on his day off. Since our parents, I'd spent most of his days off, especially recently, trying to avoid him. Now, I wondered how  
to act around him. Sure things were different now…I was different, and in such a short span of time. One minute, I'd been watching my friend die and wandering home in the middle of the night…now I'd gone back a week…heck, I was almost caught up. No...I  
was caught up. Last night…would have been the rumble, I realized. I'd missed it. I'd missed remembering it, anyway. That thought made me smile a little. I didn't mind.

Then I remembered Darry and Dally talking and wondered if it had been about the rumble. Were they still planning one? Would Johnny and I be in it? I didn't want to. I wasn't a coward, but the thought of fighting a group of socs right now made me sick  
to my stomach. I couldn't anyway. I was lucky to walk from one end of the house to the other without my sides killing me. The scar hurt too, even though I kept the bandage on it and made sure it was clean. It had only been a couple of days. I kept  
trying to remember that. Only a couple of days.

"Pone?" Darry was suddenly standing behind me, and I looked up, eyes wide as I tried to remember what I'd been doing. "You alright?" He asked, his hand moving to my shoulder. Only a week had passed since I'd killed someone.

"Yeah." I mumbled, blinking a few times.

"You've been staring at that page for almost twenty minutes, kiddo. You need some aspirin?" He asked. I couldn't believe he was being this nice…we never got along for this long. I'd killed someone and I saw it…I saw Johnny and the fire and Dally in the  
hospital room and felt Bob's blood. "Ponyboy?" He asked, his voice louder now, and he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

"I…" There were no words for this. "What about the social worker, Darry?" I asked, forcing the words out.

"Ponyboy, I told you." His words weren't reprimanding…more concerned. "We're not in trouble."

"Are they having a hearing?" He hesitated here, the hand on my shoulder squeezing.

"They want to have a meeting with me. Down at their office in a few days from now. It's fine. They just got to talk. No hearing. Nothing official. Okay?"

"You should have told me."

"I just found out today, and you weren't looking so hot earlier kiddo." I didn't want to fight with my brother. It was stupid of me to say something like that if I didn't want to fight. His voice had wound just a bit tighter, and instantly I was abashed.

"I'm sorry."

"Why don't you come watch some TV or something, Pony?" He asked, not acknowledging the apology, but he didn't sound upset with me or anything. "And take some aspirin. You've worked on enough homework for now." I wanted to make a crack about him not really  
being my big brother, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The fire, which hadn't tormented me for a few hours now, kept burning. Why did I keep thinking about this?

"Alright." I gave in easily, standing and joining him and Two-Bit in the living room. I sat gingerly on the couch, glancing over at our buddy who was playing with his blade, the nice one. "What're you up to, Two-Bit?" I asked while Darry went to get the  
aspirin. If I could just distract myself for a little while, I hoped that would make those memories go away. Two-Bit seemed to see the desperate look in my eyes because he sat down the knife.

"Nothing much, kid. I figure Johnny will come around in a little while, maybe Dally too. Thought I'd see what they wanted to do. There's a party at Buck's tonight." I glanced over at Darry for a second as he entered the room, pills in hand.

"Two-Bit…."

"Relax. We ain't taking the kid there." Two-Bit laughed. I took the pills with mumbled thanks and swallowed them dry. Rolling his eyes, Darry handed me a glass of water and I swallowed that too.

"I don't want you going over there again, kiddo." Darry told me, sitting in his recliner. The paper sat beside him, and he reached for it, but seemed to think better of it. "I know you and Johnny went to get Dally, but unless there's some kind of emergency  
and you need Dally, you need to stay away from that place. Got me?"

"Yeah. I got ya." I told him, not minding at all. I hated that place. I hadn't even wanted to go in the first place. He must have seen in my face that I meant it because he picked up his paper. I thought back to Soda and what I'd been wondering since  
I'd come back. Had Sandy really split? How was I supposed to ask without making Two-Bit and Darry suspicious? Had it just been Darry, I might have gotten away with saying someone let it slip and I'd heard, but it was as if the gang had made a pact  
not to talk about it.

It was Johnny who saved me from an afternoon of staring at the TV while Darry slowly made his way through his paper. Sure, I could have asked Two-Bit if he wanted to go somewhere, but he seemed glued to the television where Sunday morning cartoons were  
still going. I could have interrupted him and he wouldn't have cared…but to be honest, it wasn't Two-Bit I wanted to see right then, and the person I wanted to see walked in around 11:30, grinning at me and nodding to all of us. "Hey guys."

"Morning, Johnnycakes!" Two-Bit called from in front of the TV even though Johnny was only a few feet away. I lifted my eyebrows at Johnny, glancing at the door and knowing he'd understand.

"Pony, you wanna head out to the lot? Maybe we can go see Soda, too." He asked, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked at Darry, though, not me, and so did I. My brother looked torn, glancing over at me with a concerned frown.

"I don't know, kiddo." Thankfully, Two-Bit stepped in, his voice careless and easy as he kept his eyes on the TV.

"C'mon, Superman. The DX ain't far, and Soda and Steve'll look out for 'em." I kept my eyes on Darry, pleading silently. The lot would be just fine with me, but I knew Darry would feel better if I were to go somewhere with backup.

"Can, I Darry?" I asked, not moving from the sofa. He nodded after a minute.

"Yeah…alright. Go ahead. Take a blade though, Ponyboy. You got one, Johnny?" I blanched, swallowing hard at that thought. I didn't want to take a blade. I didn't ever want to touch a blade again.

"Yeah, I got one." He told my brother. Then all eyes were on me as they waited for me to move, but I felt glued to the spot. Was I really gonna be afraid to carry a pocketknife now?

"Ponyboy?" Darry leaned forward, putting the paper down. "Kiddo, I know…" He sighed, apparently rethinking that statement. "I just want to make sure you're being careful. Those socs aren't gonna be too happy with you, and I want to make sure you can defend  
yourself if you have to. Okay?" I nodded, not seeing any way around it. I couldn't be afraid of knives forever. So I headed into mine and Soda's room, pulling open my desk drawer and pocketing my old knife.

Johnny kept pace with me, glancing over every few seconds as we walked. "How you feeling?" He asked, hands jammed down in his pockets.

"I'm alright," I assured him. Still, the fact that I was moving so slow kind of ruined the tough effect I was going for. If we had to rely on me to run, we'd be out of luck. He didn't ask any more questions though, and we made it to the lot without anyone  
bothering us. Johnny sat down on an old crate and I did the same. We'd pulled them over to the edge of the lot by one of the buildings in the shade, a cardboard box between them acting as our table, and Johnny pulled out his cards. We played poker  
a lot, sometimes other games, never getting serious like Steve and Soda did. Neither of us were sore losers.

Johnny lit a cigarette, taking a long drag and shuffling his cards. It was killing me to lean over, but I kept my elbows on my knees, my eyes on the cards as he dealt them. "How are things with Darry?" He asked, finally starting a conversation as we stared  
at the hands we'd been dealt.

"Fine."

"No more fighting?"

"No." He was quiet, and I decided to go ahead and tell him. "A social worker came this morning."

"Yeah?" He asked, looking up at me.

"Not the usual one. Some new guy. Asked me if Darry was ever violent." Johnny didn't even have to ask what I'd said. I continued despite his silence. "They talked to Soda too, then Darry. Darry said not to worry…that we just gotta lay low for a while."  
Which is what we'd been trying to do before.

"You think they'll come back?" He asked, putting a card down, then drawing another. I picked it up, discarding it and waiting for him to take his turn. He laid down three 5's and I sighed, flipping through my cards.

"I don't know. With what happened…"

"It was self-defense. Even the fuzz think so." He reminded me.

"Think that matters to the state, Johnny? I killed someone." I put down three 10's and discarded another card that he snatched up, placing three Queens down.

"Yeah, and if you hadn't they would have killed both of us." We had kept our eyes on our cards so far, but as we both started discarding as often as we drew, I glanced up at him. He was concentrating, but he was also upset. I knew he hated it that I'd  
killed someone for him.

"It was worth it," I told him softly, pausing the game for a second. He glanced up at me, then sat back, looking at me fully. "No matter what…I don't regret it."

"Shoot, Pony, nothing's going to happen." He told me quietly, but the half-smile on his face told me all I needed to know. Somehow, he got it.

Once Johnny had beaten me twice at Rummy, we decided to make good on the suggestion to visit Sodapop. Sometimes him or Steve would swipe us a Pepsi, or a pack of smokes. At the moment, I wasn't exactly hankering for a smoke. I still felt like one drag  
might actually cause me to cough my lungs up. To be honest, I was afraid of coughing too much…that it would slam my lungs right back into my ribs, so I planned on avoiding them for a while. Besides, I remembered wrestling with Two-Bit…how I'd mentioned  
that I would need to cut back on the smoking if I wanted to run track…not that I could run at the moment.

It really wasn't far to the DX, and even though, by the time we approached the station, I was wanting some more aspirin, we made it in one piece. One group of socs did yell at us, calling us greasers, as we drove by, but that was nothing new, and the  
car didn't stop. We headed into the store where we found Steve at the register, talking to some guy who looked like he was trying to buy enough food for a family. Steve was ringing him up, and I jerked my head, motioning for Johnny to follow me out  
back where we would probably find my brother. We turned the corner…and ran right into Randy.

We all froze, Randy taking us in with wide eyes, which were narrowing quickly. His jaw was tight, his hands clenching. He was alone, which was good, and a quick glance around the parking lot told me that his buddies weren't anywhere nearby. Not that I  
could see anyway. Steve was inside, and Soda was within shouting distance. We were pretty safe, especially since both of us had blades, but I wasn't itching for a fight. "Randy," Johnny spoke first, slouching beside me, and I put a hand in my pocket, cocking my head at the soc as I tightened my fingers around a blade.

His jaw went real tight, then he sneered. We'd killed his friend…well, I had. I didn't really expect him to be friendly. I was just hoping he didn't start throwing punches.

"Heard the fuzz let you go." He told us, shaking his head.

"Heard you gave some convincing testimony," I told him dryly, clutching the knife.

"Yeah, your buddies would have left me in a ditch somewhere if I hadn't." I shrugged.

"You were going to kill us. It was self-defense." I reminded him.

"Just keep telling yourself that, greaser." He snapped. "I'd watch my back if I were you, cause the next time…" A door slammed behind us, cutting him off, and I glanced back to find Steve running out the door, stepping around me and Johnny and pointing  
a finger in Randy'sface.

"What did we tell you about messing with those two? Huh?" He snapped, shoving Randy back a few feet. I'll admit, I was surprised to see Steve standing up for us so furiously…then I remembered that him and Two-Bit had hunted Randy down and forced him to  
tell the fuzz what had happened. "You stay away from them!"

"Hey! They ran into me!"

"Does it look like I care?" Steve snarled at him, taking another step forward. "Beat it." Surprisingly, Randy did, giving us a glare before storming off, obviously outnumbered. I suddenly wasn't looking forward to school…well, I was looking forward to  
it even less than before. These broken ribs couldn't heal soon enough.

Steve whirled to face us, and for a second I thought he was going to tell me off for…well…he usually didn't need a reason. Instead, he shook his head, sighing. "You two alright?"

"Yeah. We were just talking." I told him. He snorted, giving me a half-grin.

"Yeah? That's what it looked like. You looking for Soda?" I shrugged.

"Thought we'd walk up here."

"Darry let you out of the house."

"It took some convincing," Johnny spoke up, grinning over at me, and Steve barked out a short laugh.

"I'll bet it did. C'mon. It's time for Soda's break anyway." He told us simply, shoving his hands into his pockets and leading us to the lot out back where they worked on cars. There was a little garage whose doors were thrown open, and I found my brother's  
legs sticking out from under a car that looked like it had seen better days.

"You see Randy back here?" Steve asked my brother who didn't come out from under the car.

"Yeah. I told him he'd better split…I ain't working on his car." Soda snapped, and Johnny and I shared a smile. If his boss caught wind of that, he'd sure hear about it. I supposed their boss wasn't around.

"He was having a chat with a couple of kids when I came out." Steve told him.

"They alright?" Soda asked, sounding concerned if distracted.

"Yeah, we're alright." I spoke up, grinning when Soda went to sit up and we heard a low 'bang' under the car.

"Pony? Hey, what are you doing here?" He asked, shooting out from under the car and rubbing his head, looking up at me worriedly.

"Thought we'd come by for a visit. Are you alright?"

"Yeah." He took Steve's hand, pulling himself to his feet. "Darry let you come out here?"

"Golly Soda, I'll leave if you want." I told him with a grin, taking a step back, and he reached out, grabbing my arm and finally laughing.

"Shoot, kiddo. I didn't expect to see you out and about, that's all." He grinned over at Johnny. "You the babysitter today?" I smacked him on the back of the head while Johnny laughed.

"We've just been at the lot. Thought Pony could use a break from Two-Bit."

"Yeah? Come on, sit down Ponyboy." He told me, nodding to one of the overturned crates, and he kicked one over for Johnny too. "I'll swipe you guys something to drink." He told us, giving Steve a look as the two headed back to the station to grab the  
drinks. I knew he'd be asking Steve what exactly had happened. Thankfully there wasn't much to tell. It had been strange to run into Randy there though. Then again, maybe he'd wanted to bug Sodapop.

I eased myself down onto the crate, putting my hand on my side to try and stave off the pain. It didn't work out. "Pony?"

"Think this'll stop hurting anytime soon?" I asked rhetorically.

"Probably not for a while." He told me with a sympathetic grin. "We could go somewhere else."

"I think I'll sit for a while." I told him, sighing and trying to lean back against the wall. He winced in sympathy.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked, real quiet. I sighed.

"Not really. But I'm glad I got out of the house." He grinned at that, nodding.

"I bet. You could have been watching cartoons with Two-Bit while Darry read the paper all day." He joked. I laughed. It was worth the stab of pain that seemed to accompany everything I did.

"Yeah…Two-Bit's kind of boring these days." He snorted.

"I don't think he's had anything to drink for a few days." He confided, leaning in. "When you were in the hospital, he went on a bender. Came in the next day hung-over…he was pretty tore up. Didn't drink anymore after that night."

"I could have swore he was telling me some story about going out and drinking a few nights ago."

"Nah. I stayed at his place for a few nights, and he came to watch Dally race once. Always sober. He's lying. Hasn't done any shoplifting either…I don't think he's been in the mood." That certainly explained his Pepsi at dinner.

"Here you go, kiddo." Soda tossed Johnny a bottle, then handed me one. "What have you two been up to?" He asked, pulling up a crate. Steve leaned against the wall, watching us as he lit up a cigarette.

"I beat Pony at cards for about an hour." Johnny told them slyly, then took a long drink of Pepsi. Steve snorted.

"Soda, ain't you taught him to cheat yet?"

"Apparently not." Soda knocked his shoulder against mine. "I'll have to remedy that soon."

"No fair! Who's gonna teach me how to cheat?" Johnny asked.

"I will." I told him, and Steve rolled his eyes.

"You two are hopeless." He told us simply, throwing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out.

"Where are you guys headed after this?"

"The library." Johnny told him suddenly, and I turned to him, lifting my eyebrows but quickly hiding it. That sounded good to me. Soda, however, didn't look convinced.

"Why don't you guys wait until I get off? I'll give you a ride."

"You hate the library, Soda." I reminded him.

"I can wait in the truck."

"Sodapop, we'll be fine." I told him.

"Ponyboy…"

"Here." Steve reached in his pocket, then held his hand out to Johnny. Johnny opened his hand and Steve dropped some quarters into his hand. "Take the bus. You don't need to be walking all the way to the library and back, kid." He told me simply. I stared  
at him, my jaw dropping open without my permission.

Johnny nudged me. "You'll catch flies." He mumbled, and I rolled my eyes at him. "Thanks, Steve." Steve nodded. Soda was watching him, looking upset, but when I caught his eyes, he smiled ruefully.

"Just…be careful, okay? If it gets late, give me a call and I'll pick you up. Okay?" He ruffled my hair, getting his hand greasy, and I grinned.

"We will." I stood, downing the Pepsi. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah. I'll be home right after work." From his tone, I knew he expected me to beat him home. I certainly planned on it. I didn't need Darry coming down on me for being out late, not after everything.

"Thanks, Steve." I called as we headed out of the garage, and he nodded, dropping onto the crate I'd vacated. He really was friendlier these days...I wondered how long that was going to last. I made a mental note to start a bet with Johnny about that.  
Then I felt kind of bad. Maybe Steve just felt bad that I wasn't feeling good. It was kind of nice, regardless. "Why the library?" I asked Johnny quietly as we made our way down past the station and toward the bus stop. He gave me a quick grin.

"There's a book I wanted to check out." I didn't say anything, but I had a feeling I knew exactly which book he was talking about.


	12. Admonishments

Admonishment

The bus was almost empty, save for a couple of greasers slouching in the back. They all glanced up at us as we made our way down the aisle, shifty eyes taking us in before nodding and going back to staring out the window. Most greasers around town knew I was Darry and Soda's little brother, either because they knew Tim or because they knew my brothers…or Dally. One or two of them I recognized at part of Tim's gang, and Johnny and I sat in the middle, knowing they'd have our backs if it came to it, but not wanting to tangle with them. Things with those kinds of hoods tended to escalate quickly.

"Thanks again for getting me out of the house." I told Johnny quietly. He smirked.

"Yeah, no problem. I figured you were tired of sitting around with Two-Bit and Darry. Does he always read the paper all day on his days off?" I laughed.

"Nah, just for a few hours. I'm sure he would have moved on to cleaning…or something." I shrugged. I didn't know what Darry liked to do in his spare time, besides playing football and reading the paper. I didn't spend a ton of down time with him. We never really had, what with the age difference. A lot of the time he was my babysitter, something that hadn't really changed yet, especially since our parents…I tried to remember the last time the two of us had done something together that wasn't him looking after me and came up empty. Maybe that would change when I was older. I knew he liked to read…reading and football. "I wonder why Two-Bit's still being so weird."

"I'm telling you, he's weird when he doesn't drink." I laughed. "Actually I think he's just still worried." He told me, turning serious. "He was pretty upset at the hospital. We all were." I sighed, staring down at my lap. I hated that I'd worried them all so much. Heck, even Dally seemed weird after I'd gotten out of the hospital. I didn't mind him being nice…it was kind of a good change, but I knew that they were all still upset about my three-day nap. "Hey, it's not your fault. If anything, this is my fault."

"Johnny, it's not your fault." I glared, nudging him with my shoulder. "It was worth it." He looked over at me, lifting his eyebrows. I thought back to what could have happened…my friend was alive. Both of them were. They got to finish their lives now. It was all worth it, no matter what happened now.

Johnny didn't say anything. Instead, he nudged me back and gave a half smile, then we went back to staring out the window in silence. That is, until the bus made a stop halfway between the DX and the library, and three socs got on. I glanced at Johnny, and we both watched the guys who immediately came to sit in the seats in front of and beside us. Johnny and I sat silent, eyes down as we waited for it to start. Of course it didn't take long for it to start. The ones in front of us were both wearing football jackets, while I recognized the one in the seat beside us as a senior at our school who hung around with Bob and Randy sometimes.

It was the guy in front of us who turned around, squinting and staring at me, leaning into my space, and I scooted back a bit, my eyes narrowing. Johnny, too, clenched his fists, glaring at them. "You the Curtis kid?" He asked, put-on confusion in his voice.

"One of them." I answered dryly, keeping my voice loud enough that everyone on the bus could hear. With my ribs the way they were I was going to be useless in a fight, and I hoped one of those hoods in the back would step up if it came to it.

"And you're the Cade kid." He jerked his chin at Johnny.

"Yeah." Johnny sounded bored, and I thought he could pass for Dally on the phone if he needed to.

"You're the kids that killed Bob." The soc's sneer turned dangerous as he knelt on his seat and got in my face. I reached into my pocket, pulling out the pocketknife.

I hated the words as they came out of my mouth, but we needed to look tough here. "Yeah, I am. You care to join him?" I snapped, getting real sick of this already. Johnny stiffened a bit beside me, probably surprised at the threat, but he too was ready to fight. Here's where I was betting on the greasy hoods in the back of the bus. I really hoped their sense of loyalty was as strong as I had been led to believe. I really, really hoped those socs didn't call my bluff.

"There a problem back there?" The bus driver called, not even bothering to slow down. The soc in front of me rolled his eyes, turning around and sitting down and calling out that there was no problem. I let out a breath, pocketing the knife. Johnny gave me a look, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't. My hands were shaking again, and I clenched them into fists, knowing that if I said anything, my voice would shake too, and then those socs would know I was scared. I suddenly wished Steve and Soda were with us…or Two-Bit…or Dally! Heck, they wouldn't have bothered trying to talk to us had Dally been with us.

"Pony?" Johnny mumbled, looking worried again.

"Hm?" I made a noncommittal noise, trying to keep my face blank and tough. It was something I'd learned a long time ago could make all the difference in a situation like this. Before he could answer though, a couple of greasers, both wearing leather jackets with their hands jammed in the pockets, moved up, dropping down in the seats in front of the socs that had been bugging us, and another sat in front of the one who'd sat beside us.

"Yeah, is there a problem?" One echoed the bus driver in a hiss, his elbows on his knees as he grinned at the socs. His smile was feral, all teeth and dark eyes. I think he might have been one of Tim's.

The socs glanced around then as if finally realizing they were outnumbered, even if it hadn't looked like it at first. The boys in the back of the bus were all watching this carefully. Even if we weren't with them, or had never spoken to those guys, they'd have our backs on principle it seemed. The one sitting alone turned back to glare at them uncomfortably. "Man, we ain't got a problem with you."

"You sure?" He asked the soc in an almost friendly voice, dropping a hand on his shoulder. "Cause you're over here messing with some friends of ours…how about you start this shit with someone your own size?"

"We didn't know they were with you." The one who'd talked to me mumbled, his eyes blazing. I knew we were probably going to pay for this later when we didn't have any friends around. I just hoped friends were always within shouting distance.

"Really? Cause even if they weren't, this one's got two brothers that'll bash your brains in if they find out you've been messing with him, and they're both buddies with Dallas Winston. Tim Shephard too. You'd better watch yourselves with these two." Another greaser put in, his grin relaxed. They were just playing with him now.

The socs didn't answer, scooting as far away from the hoods as they could, and I smirked at my lap. Looks like those socs weren't so tough after all. All three got off on the next stop, thankfully, and the one who'd sat in front of the guy beside us moved back a seat, all of them turning to us. "You are the kids that run with Dallas, right? You're Darrel's little brother." He asked, turning to Johnny and me.

Johnny and I nodded, and Johnny spoke up. "Yeah, that's us."

"And you really killed that soc?" I echoed Johnny, nodding and telling him I had. "Good going, kid." I flinched but tried to nod and smile my thanks as they headed back to their old seats.

Johnny and I were silent again until we reached the stop for the library. I climbed down the stairs carefully, keeping a hand on my side and looking around for whatever socs might be hanging around once the bus pulled away. Thankfully the path was clear and we were able to enter the library with no problems. "You alright?" He asked as we entered the cool lobby.

"Yeah. Fine." I told him shortly.

"Ponyboy, we got your back. You know that. The whole gang, Tim's gang…heck, every greaser in town. If those socs try anything, we'll be there."

"I know."

"Those socs on the bus…"

"Don't worry about it, Johnny." I managed to grin at him. "So, what book were you looking for?" He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking embarrassed all of a sudden. I don't know why I asked. I already knew.

"You remember when you dragged me to see Gone with the Wind?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's a book too. I thought I'd try to find it."

"Alright. Let's go find it."

The search for Gone with the Wind took us up to the second floor where there were tables and chairs set up, probably for the purpose of studying. Sometimes Johnny and I wrote our papers up there, when the school library was full of socs. The librarians didn't mind us being there as long as we were quiet and didn't cause trouble, which Johnny and I never did.

It took me longer than usual to get up the stairs, and I swore a few times under my breath, glad Darry wasn't there to get on me about it. I just wished I had some aspirin. "So I wonder who wrote it?" Johnny wondered.

"Margaret Mitchell," I told him when we entered the fiction section. We could have asked the librarians to help us find it but I didn't like to push it.

"How do you know that?" I thought back to our time in the church and shrugged. It wasn't like I could tell him that I'd stared at the cover of that book for longer than I cared to admit, especially since there was nothing else to do in that old church besides play cards and smoke. "Have you read it?"

"No." I lied. "Just looked it up after we saw the movie." He accepted that and we scanned the stacks, me running my fingers over the spines as I read them, trying to find the M's. Finally, we did, and Johnny pulled the book from the shelf, grinning and holding it up.

Once he found his book, we went our separate ways, looking at the shelves in search for something else to read. I hadn't read anything good in a while and I knew I wanted to read Gone with the Wind with Johnny. I don't know how I knew it, and I had a feeling it would happen in the lot, rather than the church this time, but we'd still read it out loud to each other, taking turns. I grinned at the books, remembering his explanation for getting it for me before. We'd seen the movie and he wanted to read it…he knew I wanted it. Had known. That didn't mean he knew something. It didn't mean he…what? Had the dreams about the fire? I sighed, the smile dropping and I pulled a book off the shelf.

I looked forward to reading Gone with the Wind with Johnny. We'd had a lot of fun the first time. I just hope this time ended better. Then I remembered that the first time, he didn't even finish it. I closed my eyes, leaning my head on the shelf. He'd died before he finished Gone with the Wind. Why did that make me remember his last breath…Dally slamming his hand into the hospital wall? "Ponyboy? You alright?" I jumped a bit when Johnny appeared, his hand on my shoulder. I wiped at my eyes quickly, wondering what on earth was wrong with me.

"Yeah, I'm alright." I grabbed another book, holding the two and smiling at him as best as I could.

"You sure? You wanna sit?"

"Yeah." I decided to go along with it, sitting down in a chair at one of the tables and putting my books on the table. He still looked worried, clutching Gone with the Wind, and I kept my eyes down. He sat down across from me and held the book, leafing through the pages.

"I thought maybe we could read it together…you know…you're better than I am at reading." I smiled, looking up at him then.

"Sounds great," I told him, leaning in. "We can get started today." He shook his head though, smiling ruefully.

"Maybe tomorrow. Darry will probably want you in the house as soon as we get back. You didn't tell him we were going to the library."

"In my defense, I didn't know." I reminded him. He shrugged, jumping up.

"I'm gonna keep looking for a minute."

"Alright. I'll be here." I told him, holding up Frankenstein. He nodded, clapping me on the shoulder as he headed over to the shelves. I started my book, keeping an eye out as he walked around, and he was almost over to my table again when a familiar voice interrupted us.

"Hey, kids." Johnny and I both jumped, and I looked up with wide eyes from my book.

"Um…hey, Dal. What are you doing here?" I asked. I didn't mention the fact that never, since the day I had met him, including when we'd been in school together, had I seen Dallas Winston in a library…or with a book, for that matter. He looked out of place, a cigarette behind his ear, his leather jacket, which he'd given me before and which had saved me from being burned by the fire, hanging loosely off him as he crossed his arms, looking down at me.

"Thought I'd find a book to read." He told me dryly, and Johnny snorted, turning his face and staring at the shelves. I bit my lip, but the comment came out anyway.

"You can read?" Johnny laughed aloud, putting a hand over his mouth. Dally whacked me in the back of the head, rolling his eyes.

"Smartasses. Both of you." He reached out, smacking Johnny too, but a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Are you two about done?"

"Yeah, we just gotta check out." Johnny paused, about to ask, but Dally cut in before he could.

"I ran into Sodapop and Steve and they mentioned you two were here. I figured you could use a ride. Broken ribs take a long time to heal, kid. You don't need to be walking all over town. Besides, I heard you had a run-in with that soc from before. Randy, was it?"

"Yeah. We just talked." I told him, balancing The Great Gatsby and East of Eden on top of Frankenstein.

Johnny snorted again, Gone with the Wind the only book in his hand, despite the fact that he'd been scouring the shelves for the last few minutes. "Yeah, just talked." He mumbled. I gave him a look and Dally crossed his arms, staring at him. "He warned us to watch our backs…then Steve came out and chased him off." Johnny elaborated without prompting. I was just glad he didn't mention the socs on the bus. Last thing we needed was Dally deciding to hunt down every soc in the city. I didn't doubt he would, either.

"He told me to watch my back." I corrected, giving him a look. I didn't want Johnny getting anymore mixed up in this than he had to.

"Asshole. We're gonna kill him."

"Don't kill him, Dal. Not unless you want to spend some more time at the police station." I told him tiredly. He grunted, nodding at our books.

"You two ready?"

"I am." Johnny glanced at me and I nodded.

"Yeah, me too." I stood from the table, using the chair until Dally reached down, grabbing my arm and helping me out. "How long did you say broken ribs take to heal?"

Dal grinned for real then, putting a hand on my shoulder for a second, squeezing firmly. "A long time, kid, especially since you've got something like four. The less you move, the better. I heard you were thinking about going back to school tomorrow." His voice didn't give away how he felt about that, but I had an idea. "The socs in town ain't too happy with you two right now…even if they ain't gonna try anything in the open."

"Two-Bit and Johnny are in school with me too," I told him with a shrug. "I bet even Steve would help me out if it came to it." Johnny laughed quietly as we gathered our books and headed for the stairs. I gripped the banister as we headed down the stairs, wishing again for aspirin.

"They ain't always with you."  
"I'm in class the rest of the time. No one's gonna bug me while we're in class." Dally just grunted again, following us down to the front desk where Johnny and I checked out. While I handed over my library card, Dallas stood a few feet away, arms crossed as he stared into space, but I had a feeling he was watching the door.

I thanked the librarian quietly, nodding goodbye, and we headed out to the parking lot where we found Buck's car. "You really aren't going to give that back, are you?" I asked, snorting. Dally slugged me in the shoulder while Johnny laughed, jumping in the passenger seat.

"I'm giving it back tonight, so don't get used to it. You hungry?" He asked in the same breath, and I stared at him for a moment, knowing he could see the confusion on my face. Dally offering to treat us twice in one week? "What? It's not a hard question! What do you keep staring at me like that for?" I sighed when the anger came back, his eyes narrowing as he glared at me.

"Sorry," I mumbled, opening the back door and sitting down slowly, dropping the books on the seat beside me. You could never tell what was gonna set Dal off. Best not to argue.

"So, Johnny? Hungry?" He asked a little quieter. I would say he regretted snapping at me but Dally didn't regret anything. Sighing, I stared out the window as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"Sure…Darry probably wants Pony to get home, though." Johnny told him quietly, his elbow on the door, Gone with the Wind on his lap. "He didn't know how long we were going to be out."

"We'll get something to go." He told us simply.

Dairy Queen. I couldn't believe it. Than again, Dally didn't know that the thought of eating barbeque sandwiches from Dairy Queen made me want to throw up. He pulled in, heading up to the drive-through, and turned around to ask me something when he paused, looking genuinely concerned. "Kid? You alright?" I nodded, closing my eyes and putting my head back against the headrest as the blood rushed in my ears. This was ridiculous. There was no reason this should make it hard for me to breathe…there was no reason that Dairy Queen of all places should make me freak out like this. "Kid? Hey!" He reached back and shook my leg. "What's wrong with you?"

There was a fire. That was the problem. That's what was wrong with me. The fire! And Johnny! Johnny was going to die! If we ate…the sandwiches…I gripped the armrest, feeling my breath catch and man it hurt my sides but Johnny was going to die! The car was moving again and then it stopped and there was a fire and Johnny was going to die and Dally was punching the wall and the paper cracked around his knuckles and it was so hot and I had to get Johnny out of the fire!

My head jerked to the side, my cheek stinging. "Dally!" That was Johnny's voice. What was he upset about?

"Snap out of it kid! Now!" Dally was grabbing my shoulder too tightly, and shaking me. The pain in my face, along with the pain in my side, brought me back to the present, and I found my face only about a foot from Dally's.

"Huh? Ow, Dal." I blinked a few times, my hand going to my side. My eyes caught his and I was mildly surprised to see him…scared? "Did you just hit me…again?" I asked, incredulous. He was silent, jaw clenched, and I glanced over at Johnny. Then he exploded.

"Yeah, I did. Wanna know why? You stopped breathing, kid! You're sitting back here, wheezing and looking like you're about to throw up or pass out in my car!" He swallowed hard then, shaking his head and turning away from me. "You okay?" He asked the concrete by his feet.

"Sorry…yeah," I mumbled. "I don't…um…I don't know what happened." I lied. The fire. The second I'd seen the Dairy Queen sign, all I could think about was that fire. Johnny. Dally. Dead.

"You wanna go home?" I shook my head. No reason for Dally and Johnny to starve just because I couldn't eat.

"Nah. I'm alright," I mumbled. He glanced down at my hand, which was still pressed against my side.

"Pony…" Johnny sounded as worried as Dally looked…well, adjusting for Dally's typical attitude. "You sure?"

"No. I'm fine. Sorry." I gave them a half smile, dropping my hand. "You buying, Dal?" He rolled his eyes, standing up from where he had been kneeling in front of me, crossing his arms.

"Kid…"  
"I'm fine, Dally." He stared at me, hard, then shook his head.

"I'm gonna go in and get food." He turned to Johnny, pointing a finger. "Stay with him. And you." He turned to me. "Stay." He ordered. "I mean it. Don't move. Try to keep breathing, will ya? I don't wanna be the ones to tell your brothers that you passed out in my car." Turning on his heel, he stormed off, and I sighed, dropping my head back again.

"Ponyboy?"

"I'm okay," I told him simply, not understand what had just happened and not wanting to.

"No, you're not." Johnny jumped up, climbing into the back seat and sitting beside me, his hand on my shoulder. "Pony, we're all worried…"

"I know," I told him shortly, closing my eyes. Immediately I regretted it, turning with a brief smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out. I don't know what happened." Well, I sort of knew. I couldn't really explain it, though. 'Still worth it.' I thought with a sigh.

Johnny was quiet for a second, then he glanced around. "Two-Bit told me something…about when you were asleep. In the hospital." He told me softly.

I lifted an eyebrow, copying Two-Bit, and he gave a half smile, but he was still glancing around. "Yeah? What happened?"

"You were talking in your sleep, you know?" I nodded. I'd kind of figured. "Well…I guess you said something when Steve and Two-Bit and Dally were in your room."

"Steve?" I asked.

"Yeah, man, Steve was in your room every day." My mouth dropped open.

"Steve Randal?"

"Pony." He admonished, and I shook my head.

"Sorry…I just…Steve was in my room…every day?"

"Yeah. Every day. All day." I nodded, accepting it and resolving to talk to Soda about that. He certainly hadn't mentioned it. "Anyway, him and Two-Bit and Dal were all there and you started talking. You kept asking if I was okay. They tried talking to you and told you I was fine, and they asked why you were asking. You said…well apparently you said that Dally would lose it if I died and that you guys would lose both of us." I flinched. That sounded about right. "Then, you said Dally wouldn't mind so much if you died."

I frowned. That was true. I mean, I wish I hadn't said it out loud, but it wasn't like it was wrong. I knew from experience…Dally would lose it if Johnny died. He wouldn't be able to cope with that. "Yeah?" I asked lamely, and his eyes widened.

"Are you serious?"

"What?"

"You seriously think Dally wouldn't care if you died?" He asked, incredulous. He didn't even let me answer, more angry that I'd ever seen him, his voice still coming out in a sharp whisper. "Pony, of course he would mind if you died! We'd all care! Darry and Sodapop…they'd…glory, Pony, they'd die. They'd never get over it! Two-Bit and Steve…you're not just our buddy, you know? And I know Steve is a jerk sometimes but he'd kill anyone that tried to mess with you. The gang couldn't function without you. You're like our little brother. Dally's too." I stared at him, blinking in surprise. I'd never seen Johnny this mad.

"You two done?" We both jumped once more, and I thought we were doing a shitty job of keeping an eye out for socs. Dally stood with two bags in hand, watching us with something like disgust on his face. "I got barbeque sandwiches and burgers." He told us simply, dropping the bags on the seat between us. "We can eat on the way." We nodded in unison, and Johnny dug into the bags silently, stealing glances at Dally in the front seat who was, once again, smoking like a chimney.

By the time we pulled up to my house, Dally had eaten two of the barbeque sandwiches and I'd eaten a burger and fries, while Johnny was finishing his second burger. In the front, Dally was back to making smart remarks about the socs we occasionally passed on the road and seemed to be in a better mood. I couldn't believe he would get mad about something like what I'd said, though. I'd honestly had no idea that Dal would care so much about something like that. Then again, I'd always suspected he cared more about Johnny than he let on. I guess it extended to me too.

Dally pulled the car into our driveway behind Darry's truck and Johnny and I climbed out, Johnny heading straight into the house with extra sandwiches for Darry and Two-Bit, but Dally called me back as we reached the porch.

"Hey, kid?"

"Yeah?" I asked, turning before I opened my front door.

He took a deep breath, crossing his arms and looking around like he was making sure the coast was clear. I glanced around too, but Johnny was in the house with everyone else. "I ever hear you say something that stupid again, I'll brain you, you got me?"

"Say something…." I trailed off, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

He pointed a finger in my face, looking mad. "I'll give you a pass this once…'cause you were asleep." Then if clicked. Of course he'd heard. I had a feeling Dally heard everything Johnny and I talked about, which was a little disconcerting to think about.

"Sure, Dal," I mumbled, hands in my pockets. He nodded, and I headed into the house, a little surprise when Dally grabbed the door, coming in behind me. He was hanging around a lot more lately…I didn't mind, though, especially when I thought about the night Johnny would have died. It was good to have Dally around.


	13. Listening

Listening

"There you two are." I heard Two-Bit call as Dally and I headed through the front door. Darry and Two-Bit were in the middle of a card game, open bottle of Pepsi on the coffee table. As Johnny passed, Two-Bit reached out to snatch the bag of food from Johnny's hand. "Thanks!" He called as we passed, Johnny heading to the kitchen, me to my room to drop off my books.

Coming back into the living room, I grinned at Two-Bit who was digging into the bag, pulling out sandwiches and unwrapping them.

"Share, Two-Bit!" I admonished, grabbing the bag, and he swatted at me, laughing.

"Hey! Kid, I'm starving!" I dropped the bag in front of Darry on the table and he reached out, patting my back.

"Hey, kiddo. How do you feel?" He asked, ignoring the bag. I sat carefully on the couch, missing the times when I could just sit without doing it carefully. Darry shifted over, glancing over at me worriedly. I missed when Darry didn't do everything 'worriedly.'

"I'm alright," I told him, sitting back. I would have killed for an aspirin, as apparently all this walking and standing and sitting wasn't doing my side any favors. Suddenly a bottle of aspirin landed on my lap, and I glanced up at the ceiling, wondering if someone had taped a bottle up there. Two-Bit snorted, and I glanced up to find Dally rolling his eyes.

"Take some." He told me simply, dropping into Darry's recliner. Johnny sat on the floor next to Two-Bit, trying to glance at his cards, and Two-Bit gave him a shove, knocking him over onto the floor, Johnny laughing and swatting at him. I reached out and grabbed Two-Bit's Pepsi, washing the aspirin down with them. He grinned, reaching out trying to take it back, but I held it up, just out of reach, staring at it pointedly.

"Hey…this isn't beer." He rolled his eyes, reaching over again and I let him have it back.

"That kid brother of yours sure is mouthy," Two-Bit told Darry conversationally, taking a swig of Pepsi and yanking his cards away from Johnny, while I managed to get a peek at Darry's. "Glory, can't we play cards around here anymore?"

"Dally mentioned you two ran into that soc…Randy?" Darry asked, leaning back and looking at me. I was glad, once more, that Johnny kept his trap shut. I didn't want Darry finding out about the socs on the bus or the greasers that had backed us up…or any of it. The less my brothers knew about that, the better a chance I had of leaving the house again.

"Yeah, he just talked," I told him with a shrug that hurt. Man, I was getting sick of that. I thought about popping another aspirin but I'd had three already, and Darry watched those things like a hawk. I wondered if you could OD on aspirin, but I doubted it.

"Guy told these two to watch their backs. Apparently, Steve chose that time to get his ass over there." Dally put in. Darry gave me a brief admonishing look, but it wasn't like I had lied. We hadn't come to blows or anything, not that I was able to fight anyway. I thought if it had come to that, Steve or Soda might have killed the guy. Heck, even Johnny had seemed pretty upset. Of course, I was the one with a murder rap…no reason for them to get involved…I could just stab the guy myself. As soon as I thought it, I was incredibly grateful that Darry couldn't read my mind.

"I don't know about you going to school tomorrow, kiddo," Darry told me quietly, shaking his head. "The guys can't be with you all the time. Those ribs are gonna take a long time to heal…maybe you can just try and keep up with the work at home." Honestly, that thought didn't sound so bad but being stuck alone in the house all day for who knows how long did.

"I'm fine, Darry. They're with me between class, and those socs can't do anything in class." I wanted to ask if there was gonna be a rumble, but I didn't want to put the idea out there if it wasn't already.

"Pone…" He trailed off as Two-Bit put a card down, and Darry was distracted for a second, glancing down at his hand. I leaned over, trying to look, and he nudged me with his shoulder. He really was like my brother again. Glory, it was fantastic. I laughed, leaning back and waiting for him to play a card, dropping another penny on the table.

"I think the kid'll be alright." Two-Bit put in.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it. " Darry told him dryly, rolling his eyes.

"He's with us for lunch anyway, and I promise to find him between classes. I'll even carry his book." I rolled my eyes, not mentioning that I had a backpack. Then again, carrying a backpack would hurt too…it didn't matter though. I would be somewhere other than the house alone. That sounded good to me.

"I'll be okay." I put in, wondering how much my opinion mattered.

"And if the kid feels sick or if anything happens, I'll bring him right home. I swear." I nodded enthusiastically when Darry looked over at me, and he rolled my eyes.

"I'll think about it." He told me quietly, ruffling my hair. "You guys wanna play?" He asked, and Johnny nodded.

"Sure." He said, and I nodded too. Two-Bit threw his cards down, and Darry grabbed the pennies, distributing some to me, and some to Johnny. Dally moved forward, sitting cross-legged on the floor, and Darry handed him some pennies too. So for the rest of the day, we played cards and watched TV, drinking Pepsi, and after another few hours, Soda and Steve joined us, throwing the door open. Soda beamed when he saw me.

"Hey, kiddo. You're home."

"I am," I told him, hiding my cards against my chest when Steve moved over to stand beside my side of the sofa.

"Good." He mumbled under his breath, and I lifted an eyebrow.

"Where else would I be?"

"Oh, I don't know." He dropped onto the other side of the sofa, putting an arm around me. "Maybe the library? Did you guys have enough money for the bus?"

"Yeah. Dally gave us a ride back." I told him, turning when Steve leaned over again to look at my cards. "How was work?" I asked before he could ask if I was okay.

"Good. Uneventful." He glanced over at Darry. "Mostly."

"Mostly?" Darry caught the look.

"Dally already told him about Randy," I told Soda, palming all my cards and holding them face down in my lap. Steve rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor between Soda and Dally.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Darry spoke up from my other side.

"Did he say he threatened Pony and Johnny?" I caught Johnny's eyes and we shared a grin, ducking our heads as I leaned back, making it easier for Soda and Darry talk over me.

"He did." Darry slapped down a card, making it obvious that he wasn't happy about that. "He wants to go back to school tomorrow."

"Can you still see me?" I asked Johnny, leaning further back when Soda turned to stare at Darry, ignoring me.

"No…" Then he turned to me. "Pony, listen…"

"We're gonna be with him Sodapop." Steve reminded him reasonably. "How much trouble can he get into in school?" Soda stared at him, eyes wide.

"Plenty! Have you met my brother?"

"Hey!" I smacked him on the shoulder. Darry snorted beside me, and even Dally was chuckling.

"We'll keep an eye on him," Two-Bit promised. "I swear, when he's not in class, he'll be with one of us."

"If those socs have it out for him…"

"Just Randy." I put in. No one listened, which wasn't much of a surprise.

"Maybe we should get Tim's guys…have a rumble with those socs." Dally was grinning, and thankfully no one saw me pale. Well…Johnny seemed to. He caught my eye, narrowing his eyes in confusion. Shaking my head, I stared back down at my cards, having forgotten whose turn it even was.

"…can't...you'll have to…Ponyboy." I tuned back in, jumping a little and turned to look over at Darry.

"Huh?" I asked, glancing around to find the expressions of my friends and brothers ranging from concern to light annoyance. "Sorry," I mumbled to Darry, whose face was closer to the latter.

"I said…" He emphasized the second word, drawing it out, and I shoved back the part of myself that wanted to get annoyed. "If we have a rumble, you'll need to stay here. You can't fight." His face dared me to argue, and I could tell he was steeling for a fight, the tension in the air thick.

"Oh. Yeah. Alright." I told him, fighting the urge to tell him I couldn't even sit without pain, much less fighting. One little push and I'd be on the ground and praying no one would step on me. Darry nodded slowly, going from defensive to confused to concerned, but I was zoning out again. Another rumble. At least Johnny would be okay. Dally would be okay. They were both great fighters. Me, on the other hand…well, I was apparently good at stabbing people, but hand to hand wasn't my strong suit, apparently, even if I could fight okay for someone my size. I could only hope that would change as I got older.

"Pony? You alright?" Soda asked softly, and I realized it was kind of inevitable. I folded, putting my cards on the table and giving him a half smile.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I assured him. I was getting tired…but it was only five thirty. He was still watching me, so I tacked on the half-truth. "Tired." It always worked. He nodded, eyes narrowing.

"Maybe you should stay home tomorrow." The others were still talking about the rumble, so no one caught the quiet conversation…well, maybe Dally. He seemed to glance at us every once in a while.

"It's just been a long day," I told him with a shrug. "I'm alright, Soda." I didn't want him to worry. I hated that Soda had to worry about me.

"Broken ribs, kiddo. Surgery." He reminded me, squeezing my shoulder. "You're supposed to be taking it easy."

"I have been. Today's activities have included, sitting, riding the bus, and reading books." He laughed, squeezing me in a side hug carefully, his arms around my shoulders instead of my side.

"You need to take your antibiotic?"

"Yeah," I told him.

"Alright." He ruffled my hair, jumping to his feet and heading into the kitchen, returning with a pill he dropped in my hand.

"You guys going out tonight? Poker game? Race? Drunken brawl?" He snorted.

"Nah, we'll stay in. We both got work in the morning anyhow."

"You had work this morning." I reminded him. "Soda…"

"Don't 'Soda' me." He reprimanded with a grin. "We stay in sometimes. It has nothing to do with you." I lifted an eyebrow and he snorted. "You look like Two-Bit."

"He's a great role model."

"Lord help us." He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and sitting back, watching the other discuss the rumble. Johnny took that opportunity to stand, and I joined him. "Ponyboy." Soda's warning was serious, and I grinned down at him.

"I ain't gonna smoke. Just wanted to get outside."

He hesitated, watching Johnny head out, then nodded. "Go. But sit down out there. You ain't moving too good."

"Tell me about it," I grumbled, following Johnny outside, and Sodapop scooted over closer to Darry.

Johnny turned to me as I stepped outside, puffing on his cigarette. For a second, the urge to grab that cigarette out of his mouth and take a long drag was so strong that I thought I was going to actually do it. I clenched my fist in my pocket, telling myself that I wasn't allowed to smoke for another…several days at least as I sat down on the old chair. Probably longer, if my brothers had anything to say about it. Don't argue with my brothers. I had to say it to myself several times before the urge passed. "No one's gonna blame you for not being at the rumble." He told me quietly, giving me a sideways look. "You've got broken ribs. That's a pretty good excuse."

"It ain't that." I shook my head, staring at the sun that slowly made its way down toward the horizon.

"Then what? You looked like you were gonna be sick again, man. I didn't think you even liked fighting that much." I grinned a bit.

"It won't change anything, Johnny," I told him, wondering if Dally was somewhere eavesdropping. It seemed pretty likely. I guess I didn't care too much. "We'll fight, and for a while, things will be better, but in the end…" I remembered Randy sitting in the car beside me, saying these words while Two-Bit watched. "They'll still be socs and we'll still be greasers. They'll still be rich and we'll still be poor. And a few months from now, it'll all be back the way it is now."

Johnny didn't have a response for that. He just stared at me for a moment, then shook his head, taking a long puff of his cigarette once more. "What are we supposed to do then, man?" He asked, letting the cigarette dangle from his fingers. He smirked when he noticed how my eyes followed the weed. "You sure you don't want one?"

I shook my head, laughing a little. "Better not. And I don't know. I don't know if there's anything we can do."

"At least it will help for a while." He said, and I shrugged. Couldn't really argue with that.

I leaned back, my head against the window, and frowned when I heard Dally's quiet voice. Johnny lifted an eyebrow, a habit it seemed we'd both picked up from Two-Bit, and pressed his ear again the window as well. "…freaked out. I mean, I looked in the back seat when we pulled in the parking lot, and the kid was white as a sheet, not breathing…"

"You should have called me." Darry's voice was quieter than Dal's, quiet and sharp. The rest of the gang was silent.

"I brought the kid home right after I got food, didn't I." He asked, defensive.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. I parked and talked to him until he came out of it. Said he didn't know what happened."

Johnny snorted beside me, and I grinned at him, not able to help it. He'd skipped over the part where he'd smacked me in the face again. Thankfully he also skipped the part where I'd implied to Johnny that Dally wouldn't care if I died. I didn't think Dally wanted to rehash that either.

"He seem okay to you?" Soda asked, apparently talking to our brother because he was the one who answered.

"Quiet…but he's been quiet since he came home from the hospital. I think he's hurting, but he ain't complaining." He sighed. "The aspirin aren't doing as well as the pain pills, but he really hated those things. They made him sick. I was thinking about talking to his doctor. Seeing if we could get him something better." Johnny lit another cigarette, blowing the smoke away from me. I almost wished he wouldn't.

"Yeah...he's definitely acting different." No one argued with Soda's quiet statement, and I wondered if it was true. Was I really so different. I glanced at Johnny and he shrugged. We'd talk about that later. "I think it's still screwing with him…Bob…"

"Of course it is." Two-Bit put in. "That kid ain't like us." Johnny and I glanced at one another again, then I leaned forward. I didn't want to hear any more. I wasn't a big fan of eavesdropping. Usually, you just heard things you didn't want to know.

I wasn't like them. I'd already known that. I was different. I was quieter. I liked to read and I'd gone to church for a while and I watched the sunset. I didn't like to fight. But I wasn't totally different. I'd killed someone. I'd done it to save my friend's life…two of my friends' lives, but I'd still done it. And it had been so easy…so simple. I didn't even feel bad that Bob was dead. He'd been killing my friend. But it scared me that I might not be as different as they all thought I was.

That night I had another nightmare, but this time, thankfully, I didn't wake up hollering. My eyes snapped open and I turned to Soda instinctively, glad he was still asleep. His back was to me, his arm stretched out under his pillow, and he'd stolen most of the covers. I yanked on the blanket, but the movement hurt too much to follow through, so I gave up, staring at the ceiling for a while.

I'd been standing in the hallway at school, the knife in my hand. The gang stood around me…Two-Bit, Steve, and Johnny. They weren't looking at me though…they were staring at the body on the ground in front of me. I clutched the knife, staring at the blood that dripped down my hand. Stepping forward, I'd turned the body over and recoiled. Randy had stared sightlessly back at me, blood at the corner of his mouth. "I didn't…" I'd turned to the guys, shaking my head. "Two-Bit…" He had backed away from me, his eyes on the knife, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make my hand release the knife. "I'm sorry…no…I didn't mean to…"

"That's all I ever hear from you!" That had been Darry…and when I had looked up, I'd found him standing across from me, stepping over the body as he stormed up to me.

"Darry…"

"I didn't think, I didn't mean to! That's all I ever hear from you!" His hand had been raised, and I'd recoiled.

"Darry…I'm sorry…I…" I didn't want to fight with my brother. Not ever again. "Please…" The slap across my face had woken me, and now I wondered if I would be able to sleep again. Judging from the way my heart was pounding, the answer was no.

I turned over a little, peering out the window, but I still couldn't tell what time it was, so I sat up slowly, wincing and pressing a hand against my side. It was still killing me. The thought of sleeping all day did sound kind of nice…but I knew it would worry my brothers. I stood, heading out into the living room where I found Steve asleep on the couch.

Ignoring him, I moved into the kitchen, glancing at the clock. Five a.m. I swore, rubbing my eyes and grabbing a glass for water. Steve snored in the other room and I took a long drink, grabbing the bottle of aspirin and washing down four pills, hoping that would hold me for a while. The thought of a cigarette was tempting, but after that dream I certainly wasn't going to chance arguing with Darry. It made no sense…I knew Darry wouldn't do something like that…again. I didn't even like to think about it, so I rinsed the glass, placing it next to the sink and then just stood there, resting my hands on the counter, waiting for the aspirin to work.

The most troubling part of my dream wasn't that Darry had hit me. Not…it was the body on the ground…the guys staring horrified at me…the knife in my hand. Randy. I had stabbed him…and I hadn't cared. It hadn't bothered me that Randy was dead…it just scared me how easy it was. How easy it had been to kill Bob. Was I really the kind of person that could just kill someone? I was supposed to be different…right? Two-Bit had said so. Everyone seemed to think so. So was I?

"Kid, it's five in the morning. What could you possibly be doing in here?" I smiled in the dark, staring down at the sink. Steve sounded more resigned than anything.

"Got thirsty."

"At five am?"

"Apparently." I passed him, squeezing past him where he stood in the doorway and stepped out onto the porch.

"What are you doing now?" I smirked at the place where the sun would be rising soon. Steve had propped our door open and was leaning in this doorway now.

"Standing on the porch." I narrated.

"At five am?"

"Well, probably a few minutes after now."

"Kid…" He sounded actually worried, and I turned, leaning back against the railing.

"Why are you awake?" I asked, crossing my arms and pretending it didn't hurt. I managed to see him roll his eyes in the dim light.

"Someone was stomping around in the kitchen."

"Was not." I snapped a little, but I wasn't mad. I hadn't quite been able to summon any irritation for Steve…especially after Johnny had told me that Steve had stayed at my bedside when I was sick.

"Nightmare?" He asked then. It was my turn to roll my eyes, but I grunted out a yes anyway. "Bad?"

"Well, I didn't wake up screaming, so not too bad." The irritation in my voice wasn't directed towards him, but he shrugged and turned to leave. "Hey, Steve?" I called before he could go. He turned, cocking his head.

"Yeah?"

I didn't know how to say this. As much as I wasn't upset with Steve, I didn't know how to get the words out. "Um…about…about this morning…I mean…yesterday morning…" He lifted an eyebrow, tapping his foot as though getting impatient. "Thank you." I practically spit it at him, and I tempered my tone, reminding myself that I was grateful. "With the social worker. Thank you." I lowered my voice. "I'm glad you were there."

He was quiet for a moment, watching me as I stared at my feet. I almost thought he'd walked off, and then he answered me, just as quiet. "Sure thing, kid." Then he headed back inside, and I sat down on the bench, ignoring the cold and waiting for the sun to rise.


	14. Altercations

Altercations

"Pony? Hey, Pony, you okay?" Someone was shaking my shoulder and I groaned, realizing suddenly how cold I was...and how stiff my torso felt. Whoever it was sounded upset. My hand went instinctively to my side, pressing to keep my ribs still. Whoever was shaking me stopped abruptly. "Kiddo, what are you doing out here?" I forced my eyes open and found Soda crouching in front of me, his hand on my shoulder, eyes wide and incredulous.

"I um…" I rubbed my eyes, blinking a few times and trying to remember why I was outside. "I had a nightmare and I came out here. I didn't mean to fall asleep." He didn't look any less incredulous. "What time is it?" I managed to ask around a yawn.

"Six-thirty. How long have you been out here?"

"Um…an hour. Hour and a half." I rubbed my eyes again, sitting up and using the arm of the bench to help. He gripped my arm, helping me stand and putting an arm around me. "Sorry." He shook his head.

"You're freezing. Come on." He led me inside, and I found Steve asleep on the sofa, mouth open as he snored, which explained why he hadn't woken me up or anything. I was just glad Darry wasn't up. He probably would have yelled at me for something like this. I could feel Soda itching to yell too. I was glad when he refrained.

"I'm sorry…I just meant to go out for a second." My brother nodded, jaw tight as he sat me down on the chair, grabbing a blanket off the back of the sofa that Steve hadn't been using and wrapping it around me. Then he sat down right beside me, putting his arm around me. "Soda..." I kept my voice quiet, trying not to wake Steve, but he cut me off, rubbing his hand over my arm, trying to warm me up.

"It's okay, Pony. It's fine." I shook my head, hating myself for worrying him again like this. I'd just meant to sit outside for a minute.

"No…I know I don't use my head…I didn't mean…"

"Kiddo…it's fine. Really. I ain't mad or nothing." He gave me a weak smile. "I'm worried about you, Pone. That's all. You just…you don't seem to be…all there sometimes these days. Your mind's somewhere else…you're always distracted. You get me?"

"Yeah…I know." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry. I'm…I'm trying…"

"Honey…" He sighed, his head against mine. "I know you are." He stared at Steve for a minute, then turned to me. "I know all this…with those socs…I know it was hard on you. If you need to talk about it, I'm here. You know that right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. I knew he would be there. I knew he would listen. But he wouldn't get it. He couldn't. No one could, not really.

"And you know what happened wasn't your fault, right?" I didn't say anything. He didn't know. He didn't know that I'd chosen this. This was my 'anything.' "Pony? You know that, right?" His voice was louder, more forceful now. On the sofa, Steve rolled over, almost falling off, and I smiled a bit.

"I killed someone, Soda." I reminded him quietly, closing my eyes, seeing it again. The decision. The knife. Johnny's cry for help.

"Pony…"

"I stabbed him. I walked up to him and stabbed him…in the back. I knew what I was doing. That's definitely my fault."

He turned to me, jaw tight as he grabbed my arm. "It was self-defense, Ponyboy. They would have killed Johnny, and probably you too. You know that, right? Those socs were gonna kill you and Johnny. They jumped you and you defended yourself. I don't regret it one bit. If I had to choose between you or Johnny and that soc, I'd pick you two every time." His voice was quiet and fierce as he held me. I knew he still hated Bob. Heck, so did I. I remembered again what had almost happened. The fire. The church. All Bob's fault.

"Me too," I told him softly, and he chuckled a little. Squished as I was beside him on the chair, I felt his laughter. I tried to focus on that and push the other images out. It almost worked. Despite the nightmares, the memories during the day were getting less and less vivid. I remembered it in flashes, though. I'd be in the middle of reading or a conversation and they'd come back…which is probably why Sodapop thought I was distracted.

"If you start to feel bad today, tell Two-Bit or Steve, and they'll bring you home, okay?"

I grinned over at him, squeezing him back. "I will…I promise." He hummed, looking like he didn't believe me, but I meant it. I hated seeing Sodapop worry…Darry too. "I didn't mean to fall asleep." He chuckled again, more amused now that he was sure I was alright.

"I know, kiddo. It's okay. Just...don't do it again. You'll freeze to death out here." He squeezed me around the shoulders one more time before standing. "Go get ready before Darry gets up and asks what's going on." I nodded, wholeheartedly on board with that. No need to tell Darry I'd fallen asleep outside. In the cold. Again. That conversation hadn't gone well last time.

I changed as quickly as I could, which wasn't all that quickly. My hair was no problem…I just greased it back. But changing into jeans and a t-shirt proved difficult still, and I reminded myself to take some aspirin. I hoped Darry followed through on that idea to get something stronger. Then again, I was a little wary about pain pills now. They made me fuzzy and when I was fuzzy, it seemed all I could think about was that fire and my best friend laying in a hospital bed…dying. Shaking that thought off, I grabbed my backpack and shoved my books and folders and the doctor's note Darry had given me inside. I didn't want to be late.

When I finally entered the kitchen, backpack in hand, I found Soda and Steve at the kitchen table, tiredly shoveling cereal into their mouths. "Where's Darry?"

"He doesn't go in until noon today. I thought we could let him sleep." I nodded, grabbing a bowl and the bottle of antibiotics, swallowing a pill as I poured the cereal. Letting Darry sleep sounded good to me. There was still time for him to change his mind about me going to school. Grabbing the bottle of aspirin I swallowed five with a glass of water before anyone could notice how many I was taking.

"Eat fast. We're leaving in ten minutes." Steve told me around a mouthful of cereal. "Don't think I won't leave you here." He warned, but there was no real threat in his voice.

"We ain't gonna leave you," Soda told me, nudging his friend hard, a warning in his tone, but I grinned, not bothered. I knew he wouldn't. I sat at the table across from my brother, leaving my backpack on the floor by the counter. "Pony, you sure about this?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I'm gonna fail if I don't go back soon."

"You could always do the work at home." He reminded me before taking another huge bite of cereal, milk dribbling down his chin. I handed him a paper towel and he grinned self-consciously, wiping it off.

"I thought you were okay with me going."

"I am…I just wanna make sure you're okay."

"Glory, he's fine Sodapop. We'll look out for him. I swear, the kid sneezes, I'll bring him home. Actually, I'll take him to the hospital, just to be safe." Soda was glaring at Steve, not even remotely amused, but I snorted into my cereal. Steve had stolen the words right out of my mouth. Surprised, my brother glanced at me, but before I could say anything the front door slammed and Two-Bit came in, grabbing a bowl and dumping some cereal into it, all at full speed, sloshing some of the milk onto the counter.

"Hey." He greeted us, a few pieces of cereal escaping from his mouth. I winced, looking away as I took another bite. "You guys ready?"

"Waiting on you two," Steve told him, pushing his empty bowl away. I shoved a few more bites in my mouth, swallowing as quickly as I could while Two-Bit all but stuck his face in his bowl. Soda rolled his eyes but grinned when Two-Bit brought his face back out of the bowl covered in milk. I tossed him a towel.

Putting my shoes on was a whole new problem, as it involved a lot of bending, but I managed, then found Soda, Steve, and Two-Bit at the door, my backpack in Two-Bit's hand. I reached for it, but he held it out of reach, shaking his head. "No no." He grinned. "I said I would carry your books, so carry your books I shall."

"Shall?" I asked, tilting my head.

"Pony…" Soda hesitated at the last minute as we stood by the door.

"I sneeze, I come home," I promised, raising my right hand, and my brother rolled his eyes.

"Pony." He was trying to look stern, but he never was any good at it. The smile on his face was winning and I grinned, waiting. He sighed, finally laughing and dropping an arm around my shoulder. "Alright. Fine. Let's go." He grumbled, leading me out to the truck.

I climbed into the back of Steve's car and sat beside Soda. Painfully. Climbed painfully. I was sick of everything being done painfully. My brother kept a close eye on me but didn't say anything on the drive to the gas station. When Steve pulled into the parking lot, Soda hesitated, then grinned as he opened his door. "Be careful." He warned as he stood, leaning against the top of the car to stare at me.

"It's school, Soda." I reminded him. He gave me a look and I rolled my eyes. "Okay. I'll be careful. Promise."

"Good. Go learn something." He ruffled my hair and I rolled my eyes, trying to push it back.

"You two about done?" Steve called from the front seat. "We're gonna be late." He griped. Soda tapped the roof of the car, then slammed the door shut, shooting Steve the finger before hurrying into the station. Steve grumbled under his breath, pulling away and speeding toward the school.

"How are the ribs, kiddo?" Two-Bit asked from the passenger seat.

"Same."

"Aspirin?"

"Took some."

"Some?" Steve put in, and I could hear the smirk in his voice. Everyone knew that I tended to swallow them by the handful. I ignored him, closing my eyes and leaning against the window. Apparently, the nap outside hadn't done me any good. Thankfully neither asked if I was okay, and there was blissful silence for the rest of the drive.

The parking lot was full, and Steve had to park in the back, grumbling the whole time. I thought about telling him that he'd be one of the first ones out once school was over, but I didn't bother. Johnny, who had apparently walked, came over as we were pulling in and waved to me. As soon as the car was shut off, I was climbing out. "Hey. Why didn't you come over? You could have ridden with us."

"Overslept." He told me simply, grinning at Two-Bit who was carrying my backpack cradled in his arms like a kid. "He gonna do that all day?" He asked.

"Probably." Then to Two-Bit, "I really can carry my own stuff, you know?"

"No way. Knowing you, you'll trip and fall down the stairs or something." He patted the back of my backpack. "I'll just hang on to this in between classes, save your brothers some anxiety."

"And some hospital bills." It seemed Steve was back to his old self. It sure hadn't taken long, but once again, I remembered that he'd stayed at my bedside for three days and I couldn't really get mad. Still, I scowled at him, turning and heading up toward the building with Johnny and Two-Bit trailing behind. Steve walked with Two-Bit, and knowing my back was covered, I glanced around, keeping an eye out for socs. The only people around the parking lot were as greasy as we were, and I figured some of them just congregated here, not bothering to even go to school. The first bell rang as we walked through the doors, and Johnny waved as he and Steve split off, leaving me with Two-Bit who, like any good boyfriend, walked me to my class. Math. But not just math; advanced algebra where the socs outnumbered the greaser 26 to 1. Somehow I'd been one of only two guys from my neighborhood to take this class, and the other had dropped out halfway through the first month, opting for regular algebra with the rest of his buddies. I was starting to wish I'd done the same, but Darry wouldn't have let me anyway.

"I'll skip out on class early and meet you here. Okay, kid?" Two-Bit asked, handing me the backpack. I nodded, taking my seat right by the door and the wall and dropping my bag on the floor. With a girl behind me, a quiet, mousy one that never said much, and a guy on the chess team on my side, I figured I was safe enough. Of course, ten minutes into the class a ball of paper hit me in the head, and I didn't bother unfolding it. I was sure it was some kind of threat, or maybe a drawing of me in a pool of red crayon blood…either way, I didn't want to know. I ignored the second one too, but when the third one hit me in the head, I turned in my seat, ignoring my protesting ribs, and glared at the group of football players huddled in the back that grinned back at me.

I lifted my middle finger, mouthing the word 'assholes,' then turned back around. The fourth wad of paper landed on my desk, and I gave in, smoothing it out to find the words 'your dead, greaser.' Rolling my eyes, I balled it up again and dropped it against the wall by my desk. My dead what, I was tempted to ask, but then I'd have to explain grammar to them and I wasn't really in the mood. Besides, Sodapop and Darry would kill me if I got in a fight at school because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Not to mention Steve would be pissed if he had to come and bail me out.

"Mr. Curtis? Is there a problem?"

"No, sir," I told the teacher, looking back down at my textbook. He nodded and continued talking, and the football players in the back left me alone. I could still hear them whispering, though. That bugged me more than anything...that I couldn't do anything about it. Kids were gonna talk about me, call me a murderer, and I couldn't exactly argue. Besides, I wasn't gonna be able to fight for a while, which was even worse than the talking.

As promised, a few minutes before class ended, Two-Bit was there in the doorway waiting for me. He came in as soon as we were dismissed, glancing down at the four pieces of paper balled up on the floor and lifting an eyebrow. Thankfully he didn't ask.

"How you feeling, kid?" He asked, reaching down and hauling me to my feet. I appreciated the help, using the desk when I was upright to keep myself there.

"Same," I grumbled as he grabbed my algebra book and stuffed it in my backpack.

"Your brother already talked to the school, right?"

"Yeah. Darry said he called. The teacher didn't say anything." I jerked my chin toward the teacher who was standing at the desk, gathering some papers and glancing up at us.

"Good. Those yours?" He asked, pointing toward the paper wads on the floor. I shook my head. "Alright." He headed out toward the door, and I followed him out into the hallway where, to my surprise, Steve and Johnny were also waiting.

"Time for lunch already?" I asked, and Steve rolled his eyes, pushing off of the lockers.

"Thought you guys could use some backup." He lifted an eyebrow, jerking his head toward the group of socs watching us from the end of the hall. They were huddled like they were on the field and threw us angry glances every once in a while. I heard the whispers of the people who passed, probably all saying the same thing. 'Murderer.'

"You heard something?" Two-Bit asked while Johnny kept an eye on the socs, his glare cold.

"Heard they want revenge on the guy that killed their buddy." I flinched a bit, but I was glad he was being honest at least. He nodded a bit toward me. "Don't worry about it, Ponyboy. We're gonna stick around when you're not in class." I nodded my thanks, trying not to feel embarrassed that I had to have my buddies babysit me in between classes. Made me feel like even more of a tag-along kid than I did already.

"Maybe I should just go home." I told Two-Bit quietly, crossing my arms. Steve shrugged before Two-Bit could answer.

"Do whatever you want, kid, but make up your mind."

"Come on, Pony." Two-Bit put a hand on the back of my neck, squeezing a little and giving Steve a look I didn't catch. I followed when he led me to my next class, hoping no one threw paper at me in biology. It was humiliating enough to have my friends following me around and protecting me like this, but what was worse was that it really was necessary. If one of those socs decided to come after me and my friends weren't around, I was screwed.

Two-Bit dropped my bag on the floor by my desk, once more right by the door, and waved, lingering in the doorway and giving the room another once over before leaving. I wondered if he'd even go to class. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't. I tried to focus on the lesson, but in this class, the two soc girls behind me whispered the whole time, and I know I caught the words 'killer' and 'hood' and 'Bob.' I figured at least they weren't gonna hit me…probably. Even if they did, I couldn't hit a girl, broken ribs or not. So everyone knew I was a killer. So what. I hadn't expected anything less. I tried to tell myself I didn't care. It sort of worked.

Lunchtime came around and once more, all three guys waited outside my classroom. A soc I sort of recognized, one who I'm pretty sure had been in my first class of the day, smirked at us, his arm around a girl I didn't know. "Got your boyfriend to walk you to class, Curtis?" He asked, and his girlfriend laughed, her smile nasty. I guess it was her laugh that made me say it…had she kept quiet, I wouldn't have brought her into it.

I turned to Two-Bit who was looking between me and the guy warily. "Ignore him. He's just mad that you're better looking than his girlfriend." I told him, loudly enough for everyone in the hall to hear. Two-Bit looked torn between laughing and telling me off, while Steve shoved himself off the lockers, as did Johnny. They were moving a lot closer to me all of a sudden. I didn't quite get why until I turned to find the soc moving over toward me too, fists tight at his side, the girl looking angry and smug behind him as she waited for her boyfriend to avenge her.

"You sure know how to sweet talk a girl, kid," Two-Bit mumbled, turning to face the soc as well, keeping me behind him. Suddenly it was like an old west standoff, us on one side of the hall and them on the other. Other students were giving us a wide berth as they walked around, but I doubted anyone would tell a teacher.

"What did you say, you little shit?" The guy shouted, and I saw some more socs coming over. He was forced to stop when he came up against Two-Bit and Steve, with Johnny at their side. He glared at me over their shoulders, still shouting. "You think you're so tough 'cause you stabbed someone in the back! Let's see how tough you are without your friends." Sadly, I couldn't show him how tough I was, because even if I managed to get through all three of my friends, I'd never be able to fight him, not now. He'd have me down on the ground and hollering uncle before I could say boo.

I opened my mouth to answer him, but Steve shot me a look. "He didn't say nothing," Steve told him simply. "We don't want no trouble." Then he turned back to me. "Keep your trap shut, will ya?" I shrugged, doing as he'd asked. A few guys in black leather jackets with hair as greasy as mine were making their way over, as were some socs, and I wondered if there was going to be a rumble in the middle of the hall. There weren't any teachers around, so it seemed plausible. Two-Bit was tense, and he backed up a little, nudging me back. Steve and Johnny were watching the socs that were closing in, and the greasers were doing the same.

"Two-Bit?" I mumbled, tugging at the back of his shirt. He nodded, and I flinched when a soc threw the first punch, knocking the distracted greaser on the floor.

"Yeah, let's go." He told me, turning and putting a hand on my shoulder to steer me out of the way. I glanced back over my shoulder, sighing. I should be fighting too…defending myself and my friends, not running away like a coward. "Don't even think about it kid. You…" He stopped suddenly and was yanked back. He swore, then swung around to fight whatever soc had grabbed him. That's when I found myself face to face with one of the socs who'd been throwing paper wads at me and tensed.

I brought my fist up on instinct, but he blocked the punch easily, shoving me back against the lockers. I swore, trying to shove him back and gasp for breath at the same time. It didn't work too well. Johnny appeared then, jumping on his back, and I stepped forward, getting him good in the face and feeling his nose snap under my fist. It made my hand ache but it was a tag-team move Johnny and I had perfected since we were both so small. The soc hollered, bringing his hands up to his bloody nose, and another hood jumped in, popping him again in the eye and taking over.

"You alright?" Johnny asked above the din of the yelling brawlers and teachers that had suddenly appeared to break this up. He was wide-eyed, hand half outstretched as though he was gonna carry me off, even though he was smaller than me.

"I'm fine. Let's go," I called, and we hurried toward the nearest door, me ignoring the ache in my sides as we all but fled the building. Two-Bit still had my bag, but I figured he'd catch up with us. I was more of a liability in a fight than anything in this shape.

"Come on…let's wait by the car." I nodded, following him over. "You alright? You hit those lockers pretty hard." I shrugged. My ribs were killing me but I was sick of complaining about it. "It ain't your fault, you know? Maybe you should just stay home for a while. Lay low."

"What? Hide?"

"Naw, man. No one's saying you should hide. But until your ribs are better, you can't fight those guys. And they're gonna keep coming after you." I nodded, leaning against Steve's car but not responding. "They don't mind…Two-Bit and Steve, and I don't neither. We ain't gonna let 'em get to you."

"They ain't gonna let this go, you know?"

"Yeah, well, we'll be looking out for you until they do." I gave him a half smile.

"Thanks."

"Sure makes school more interesting." He knocked his shoulder against mine, then waved to Two-Bit who had a new bruise on his cheek and a cut above his eyebrow. Steve trailed behind him, glancing over his shoulder every once in a while.

"Man, your brother's gonna be mad he missed that!" Two-Bit called, laughing and hurrying over to us. "We'd better get out of here before one of our teachers. Darry'll hit the roof if you get in trouble for getting in a fight."

"I wasn't really in a fight." I reminded him, sitting in the back seat when Steve unlocked the car.

"He's gonna be mad anyway," Steve told us, peeling out of the parking lot, but he sounded sympathetic. "It wasn't your fault, though. You didn't start it, not really…those guys were after you from the start. You sure could have kept your trap shut, though." He glanced back at me in the rearview mirror. "You breathing okay? I know him throwing you into those lockers hurt." His tone dared me to argue.

I shrugged. "I'm alright." It was true. I wasn't any worse than before. I felt a rush of resentment for the teachers…they sure hadn't done anything about it. Not until it was too late. And if I'd stuck around, they surely would have hauled me to the principal for fighting. There wasn't really any winning for me.

I was surprised when we pulled into the DX rather than going all the way back to my house. Steve pulled in beside the garage, turning around in his seat to face me. "I've gotta get back to school. I'll tell your teacher you got sick or something, okay?"

"Alright. Thanks, Steve." I told him, climbing out of the car. Two-Bit stayed in the front seat, but Johnny climbed out with me.

"I'll get your homework, Johnnycakes," Two-Bit called, waving to us, and Johnny and I waved back, then, after a minute of deliberation, headed inside the gas station. It would be better for Soda to hear what had happened firsthand, I figured, than to hear an exaggerated version from Two-Bit later.


	15. Dropping In

Dropping In

We found Sodapop inside at the front counter. At first, I thought he was ignoring us, even though the quiet bell on the door rang as we stepped into the gas station, Johnny holding the door open for me. My brother was leaning on his elbows on the countertop, his hat pulled down over his face. Thankfully his boss was nowhere around, and the gas station was empty. I grinned at Johnny, putting a finger to my lips, and headed over to where my brother was sound asleep. That shove into the lockers hadn't done me any favors, but at least walking was no more painful than before. Soda's eyes were shut, a thin line of drool running from the corner of his mouth, and I wondered how he could possibly sleep with his chin in his hands like that, his elbows holding him up. Johnny shook his head at me, but he was grinning. Crossing his arms, he waited by a display of chips, leaning against the shelf. Standing right in front of Soda, I brought my hand up and slammed it on the counter, not even caring when it jarred my side a little. It was worth it to see him jump.

"What are you doing, greaser!" I shouted, and Soda seemed to levitate, hands flying out as he shoved himself off the counter. His eyes nearly popped out of his head, and the yell that came out of his mouth was more of a shriek as he hit the wall behind him. Johnny snorted behind me, a hand covering his mouth. It was something Soda and I used to do to each other all the time, back before our parents…anyway, the whole gang had witnessed and participated in many rude awakenings. To be fair, he'd started it. We'd only tried it on Darry once…well, Soda had. He'd almost gotten a punch in the face. Mom had warned them not to roughhouse inside and we'd never tried that on him again.

Soda just stared at me, wide-eyed, for another few seconds, a hand on his chest, his eyes darting around the otherwise-empty gas station. I fought the laugh for a minute, then finally let it out, a hand pressed against my ribs. "Dang it, Pony." He jumped at the counter, then stopped, hands gripping the edge of the surface he'd been about to launch himself over. Usually he would have tackled me for something like that, but considering my condition I figured I was safe for a while. He couldn't fight the smile, shaking his head and chuckling a little. "You about gave me a heart attack."

"You scream like a girl, Soda." I leaned against the counter on my crossed arms, watching him catch his breath.

"Steve's right. You're a brat." He leaned in, punching me in the shoulder, and Johnny laughed. "Don't think I'm not gonna get you back for this. You too." He pointed at Johnny who chuckled, stepping forward, then seemed to remember something. "Wait…what are you two doing here? It's only…" He looked around for a clock and finally found the one on the wall. "…twelve-thirty. You okay? Did you get sick or something?" He asked.

I sighed, keeping myself propped up on the counter. "There was…kind of a fight. At school. Thought I'd better get out." I hated the words as I said them. I hated that I'd run from a fight like a coward. And he would know that. His eyes went dark, narrowing a little. I glanced over at Johnny, as did Soda, and Johnny's eyes were giving me a message so clear I was sure even Soda could read it. Tell the truth. He would find out eventually anyway. "I didn't really do any fighting." I clarified, hoping that would help.

"Didn't really do any fighting?" He asked, arms crossed tight over his chest, all teasing forgotten.

"It wasn't my fault." At my tone, he relaxed, mirroring my posture on the counter. Johnny put an elbow on the countertop, leaning down to our level.

"Didn't say it was. What happened?" He had transitioned back to my brother, the one who understood everything, so I shifted on the counter, flinching a bit.

"I guess the news about what happened…um…got spread around school." He hummed, not looking happy but not interrupting. It was more than I'd expect with Darry, despite how well we had been getting along lately. "These guys had it out for me from the start…Two-Bit and Steve and Johnny stuck around but in class…I just heard them talking." I didn't mention the fact that they had called me a murderer. It was implied and I didn't want to say it. Not to my brother. From his expression, I'd say he already suspected. I also didn't mention the paper balls thrown at me, or the note they'd sent me. "Two-Bit was walking me to class, and…some soc said something and I said…something and…"

"The soc said Two-Bit was his boyfriend and Pony told Two-Bit that the soc was jealous because Two's better looking than that guys girlfriend…and he said it in front of the soc and his girlfriend." Like Two-Bit, Soda looked torn between laughter and reprimanding me, but let the laughter win. He shook his head ruefully at me as Johnny continued. "And the soc came after him, Two-Bit got pulled into the fight…" I glared at Johnny but he ignored me. "Pony got pushed into some lockers, but we took care of the soc and got out of there."

"You skipped the part where I punched the guy."

"I said we took care of it." He grinned at me. It was more than Johnny usually talked around other people so I just grinned back.

"You okay?" Soda asked, sounding tired.

"I'm fine, Soda. Steve's gonna tell my teachers I got sick. He'll probably get my homework. Maybe." He reached out and squeezed my shoulder.

"Alright." He mumbled. "Go home and actually rest for once. Ice your ribs. You need a ride?"

I looked pointedly around the gas station. The other guy working with him was apparently out back, probably doing inventory or something, but Soda wasn't allowed to leave. "Why? You gonna call me a cab?" He rolled his eyes, fighting the smile again.

"Go home, smartass."

"See you at home," I called. He waved, pulling his hat back down and leaning on the counter once more. As I pulled the door open, the bell jingling again, I froze, barely keeping myself from running into the soc on the other side of the door. It was Randy again, and I wondered why he wasn't in school. I took a step back, not wanting to shout for my brother in front of this guy and risk looking like a coward, but also not wanted to get punched in the face. He stared down at me and Johnny, one eyebrow lifted, something I always associated with Two-Bit, so it was disconcerting to see the expression on a soc.

"What do you want?" Johnny asked for both of us, his voice loud enough to alert my brother who must have vaulted over the counter with how quickly he was beside me, his shoulder against mine.

"I want my car fixed." He snapped, ignoring Johnny and glaring at Soda.

"Tough luck." Soda snapped.

"Bet your boss would love to hear that." Soda bristled, blowing out a long breath and crossing his arms. It wasn't like he could afford to lose this job. We needed his income, a thought I could barely stand. He was sixteen. He wasn't supposed to work full time…but he seemed to like it okay. He said he did, anyway.

"We're gonna head home," I told Soda quietly, but he caught my arm, his eyes on Randy. "Soda?"

"Hang on a sec, Pony." Randy looked between us, looking confused and mildly annoyed. "Go get your car and pull it around back." He ordered. Randy shrugged, rolling his eyes and mumbling about the service here. Soda turned to Johnny and me then, crossing his arms and looking serious. "Go straight home."

"Soda, what…"

"I mean it, Ponyboy. Call me when you get to the house." I thought about making a joke about him acting like our mom, but the thought of that kind of joke was still too painful, and besides, he looked really worried.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly, glancing back at the door, and Soda softened a little, dropping his arms.

"Nothing, kiddo. I don't know anything for sure. He's just hanging around here a lot and I don't like it."

"Well, go fix his car and he'll leave." He chuckled, an arm shooting out to ruffle my hair, and I did my best to dodge. It didn't really work though, and the movement, of course, sent a jolt of pain down my side. His smile disappeared once more when I froze, replaced by the concern I hated. Before he could ask, for probably the seven hundredth time that week if I was okay, I backed off and waved again. "We're gonna head home. See you later, Soda." Johnny waved too as he followed me out the door, and, rolling his eyes, my brother went back to the back of the shop, calling to another guy that worked there, probably to cover the counter while Soda took care of the car.

It wasn't far from the station to my house. Johnny kept a sharp eye out though, hitching his backpack up higher on his back. I was glad I'd grabbed mine back from Two-Bit. I'd at least been able to get three classes worth of homework, and I needed to get started as soon as possible. I didn't want to get held back that year on top of everything else.

I called the DX as soon as we got back to the house, dropping my backpack on the floor by Darry's chair. Jack, one of the guys that worked at the station with Soda and Steve, answered the phone with the usual spiel.

"DX, this is Jack. How can I help you?"

"Hey, Jack. It's Pony." I told him, leaning in the doorway. Johnny sat down at the kitchen table, pulling out Gone with the Wind and placing it on the table. I guess we could have gone to the lot and read it, but Soda had been pretty adamant about me getting home, and I'm sure Darry would have seconded that.

"Hey, kid. Your brother's out back with that soc." Jack was about two years older than Soda, pretty useless with cars but friendly enough. He drank more than Two-Bit though, and once or twice Steve and Soda had caught him drunk on the job. I hoped his boss never caught him…he was a nice guy, and it would be a shame if he lost his job.

"Yeah, I figured. Can you tell him I made it home alive?"

He snorted. "Can do, kid." I thanked him, hanging up and joining Johnny at the table.

Johnny opened the front cover of the book, glancing up at me as he did so. I pushed the thought of homework to the back of my mind and scooted my chair closer to his. "You wanna go to the lot?" I tried.

"Didn't Soda tell you to ice your ribs? And to stay at the house." I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help but appreciate the concern. Every time I started to get irritated with one of the guys for being worried or overbearing, I remembered what could have happened. That cured me of that problem real fast.

"Fine. Let's go in the living room then." I grabbed the ice pack from the freezer, then joined Johnny on the sofa, placing the cold pack against my side. He thumbed through the book a few times, his eyes on the carpet, and I nudged him. "What's wrong?" For a minute, it seemed like he was going to say something, but he just shook his head, nodding toward the book. I wondered if he was worried about Randy too…the memory of Randy came back to me then…the dream, rather. His body on the ground, the bloody knife…I swallowed hard, grabbing the book and opening it to the first page.

"Scarlett O'Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were." I began, settling back on the couch. Johnny did the same, and for about an hour, we switched off, reading the first few chapters, until it was getting late and I decided to finally start my homework before Two-Bit and Steve came with my homework.

When Two-Bit did show up, it was with a new black eye, in addition to the bruised cheek and the cut on his eyebrow. Steve, however, wasn't with him. "Hey kids." He called, giving us both a once over as he dropped into Darry's chair. I was leaning back against the couch, holding the cold pack to my ribs still, even though it wasn't quite as cold anymore, and Johnny was cross-legged on the floor, reading his history book which was laid out on the coffee table.

"What happened to you?" I asked, and he chuckled.

"That soc got in a lucky shot." He told me, digging in his bag and pulling out some papers. "Here. This is for both of you. And if this is going to happen every day you might want to get Darry to tell the school to just let you do your school stuff from home." He sighed when I flinched a bit. "Come on, kid. You know we don't mind fighting some socs, but if you had actually gotten hurt today, your brother would have thrown a fit…both of them. And you can't fight until you're healed up, you know that."

"I ain't hiding from anyone." I snapped, hating myself for being irritated. He gave me a look, the expression warning me to watch my tone.

"Didn't say you were. But you might want to lay low for a bit. Unless you want to end up in the hospital again." I stared down at my homework, trying to make sense of the assignments and failing. It was all a blur on the page, and I closed my eyes, dropping my head back. I figured I had been staring at a page for too long, first Gone With the Wind and then my other homework. "Kid?"

"Yeah?" I rubbed at my eyes again, dropping the paper on the coffee table.

"You alright?"

"Yeah." I fought to keep my tone normal. I wasn't irritated with Two-Bit. Thanks for bringing my homework."

"Sure. And hey, maybe they got all their fighting out of the way today." I smirked, appreciating the effort he was making.

"Maybe," I told the inside of my eyelids.

"You going to sleep on us, kid?" He asked, kicking my leg.

"No." I opened my eyes, running a hand down my face. "Just taking a break from homework."

"Sounds good to me." Johnny shut his textbook, and Two-Bit switched on the TV to the news. For a while, we sat in silence, until Two-Bit gestured to Johnny's book.

"Whatcha reading?" Two-Bit wondered.

"Gone with the Wind. We saw the movie a little while ago." Johnny told him, tapping the cover. No one had known we were reading it before. Johnny had bought a copy while we were hiding out at that church. Wait…at the hospital. I remembered the hospital, visiting Johnny…Two-Bit had swiped a copy from the hospital gift shop. We had been lucky that they'd even had it. I stared at the TV, remembering. Not fighting it…just remembering. The fire. No, I didn't want to remember that. Afterwards. Being in that hospital. Waking up in the ambulance. Soda, throwing his arms around me, squeezing me too tight, and Darry, crying as he held me. Then visiting Johnny.

That was the hardest part to remember. He hadn't looked too bad. His face had been pale, but unburned. It was the rest of him…the way he couldn't move anything under his waist. Paralyzed. He'd wanted Two-Bit to get us another copy of the book so we could read. Now…how was I going to get past the gallant men riding their horses? It hadn't happened. None of it had happened. But…to me, it had. I remembered. I remembered Johnny, telling me to stay gold, something I still didn't want to think about. But I had to. Because to me it had happened.

I stared at the TV and remembered Johnny's words. Stay gold. How he'd given his last breath right after telling me that. How Dally had split, his hand slamming against the wall. He would lose it if Johnny died. He wouldn't care so much if I died. I still believed that, but it would probably be better to keep that belief to myself. I couldn't understand why he'd been so mad. Then again, he didn't know it was true. He hadn't seen…no one had. Just me. But I'd said 'anything.' I'd agreed to this. I just had to hope that this was as far as 'anything' went. I certainly wasn't about to complain. I didn't want to jinx it.

As though thinking about Dally had summoned him, he came through the door a few minutes later while Johnny and Two-Bit were watching TV and I was staring into space, thinking about that hospital. He slammed the door behind him, and I wondered how long we had until the door fell off its hinges, and who was going to get blamed for it. "Hey kids." He nodded to me and Johnny. "Two-Bit. What's going on, man? What happened to your face?" He asked, lifting an eyebrow and heading into the kitchen to swipe a beer.

"Didn't ya hear? Ponyboy here is a trouble magnet…also my boyfriend apparently." Johnny laughed out loud and I rolled my eyes while Dally glanced back and forth between the three of us.

"Yeah. Your big brother okay with that?" He asked me, snorting as he dropped into a chair.

"Some socs were bugging us 'cause Two-Bit was walking with me to class." I told him, ignoring Johnny's smirk. He nodding, apparently putting the rest together himself, since he didn't ask anymore questions.

"There was a rumble in the hall…we could have used your help. Why'd you have to go and drop out anyway?" Two-Bit asked, crossing his arms.

"Didn't want to waste all my time at high school like you. Got better things to do."

"Hear that, Johnny? We're wasting our time."

He glanced over at me and Johnny. "Don't you two even think about it kid. You neither, Johnny. You two are too smart, and besides, I'd skin you myself." I didn't doubt it. Not one bit. Dal didn't like us picking up any of his bad habits. He was pretty vocal about that. I think it's why Darry didn't mind me hanging out with Dallas so much. That and Dal looked out for me. "You do any fighting?" He asked me and Johnny.

"Pony got that Soc in the face." Johnny chimed in, grinning over at me. I was glad he hadn't mentioned the locker thing. I was sick of people asking me how I was, as much as I was trying not to be ungrateful.

"Good. What's his name?" I shrugged, looking over at Two-Bit. "Spill it, kid." Dal ordered.

"I don't know, Dal."

"Me neither. He's not in any of my classes." Johnny told him.

"I'll find out." Two-Bit touched his eye as he spoke. "I owe him a black eye." Dally grunted, nodding a little.

Dal and Two-Bit talked about a rumble for a while, trying to figure out when the best time would be. Dal brought up waiting for my ribs to heal, but Two-Bit reminded him that ribs were gonna take a long time, and neither of them wanted to wait. I exchanged a glance with Johnny, then went back to my homework. Johnny followed suit, opening his textbook once more. Every once in a while, I'd think back to the rumble that hadn't happened…which had ended with me getting kicked in the head. One good kick in the ribs and I'd be in the hospital again. I had no problem staying out of this rumble.

When I was somewhat caught up on my homework, I headed to the kitchen and was joined by Johnny who tagged along, moving his book to the kitchen table. "Can't get anything done with those two going on and on." He complained. "What's for dinner?"

I shrugged, staring at the cabinets, which were starting to look kind of empty. I thought back to my hospital bills and flinched. Shaking it off and trying to focus on what I was doing, I pulled some chicken out of the freezer. I couldn't make it as well as Darry, but it would be decent. Rolls and a bag of mixed vegetables and we had a dinner. Darry always insisted we have vegetables at dinner. I smiled a bit, preheating the oven. Even our parents hadn't been so strict about our eating. I grabbed extra rolls, knowing the whole gang was going to be over for dinner, but we were on our last pack of chicken, so they'd have to deal with it. I wasn't very hungry anyway, so that would be more food for everyone else.

Dropping carefully into a kitchen chair across from Johnny, I propped my chin in my hand, waiting. I didn't want to listen to Dally and Two-Bit plan a rumble that I wouldn't be in. It wasn't like I wanted to fight…thinking about fighting made me think about that awful dream…Randy. Of course, Randy made me think about my brother at the DX. I hoped he was able to fix the guy's car…him and Steve, so that Randy would drop out of my life once more.

Soda and Steve showed up at five-thirty, both coming straight into the kitchen where I was stirring the vegetables. "Hey, kiddo. Smells good." Soda knocked his shoulder against mine as he swiped a roll. I just grinned, not minding. We had plenty of rolls. I grabbed a few pieces of chicken and made Darry a plate, wrapping it and leaving it on the stove so that he'd have something to warm up when he got home.

"Set the table, will ya?" I asked Sodapop. I would have done it, but reaching up to get plates would have required standing on a chair, and I hadn't wanted to ask Johnny. I could have...it was just easier to ask Soda.

"Sure. You take your pills?"

"Not yet." I held out a hand, knowing he'd have the bottle ready. I swallowed one, then grabbed the aspirin, downing four before Soda could count them. My ribs were starting to remind me that they still hurt...I guess I had a while before they would stop completely but I really hoped it would be soon. Maybe Darry would be able to get me some better pain meds...then again, those would cost money. I didn't want to cost Darry any more money, even if I couldn't tell Darry that for fear of making him mad again. He hadn't taken it well when I'd suggested it the first time.

"You guys all staying?" Soda called, peeking his head around the corner to look at Two-Bit and Dally.

"I'm always up for free food!" Two-Bit called, and I rolled my eyes. Johnny cleared his stuff from the table, leaving room for Soda to fill it with food, and Steve grabbed the plates, leaving them in a stack on the counter. I figured we'd eat in the living room again. We usually did when we had everyone over. "When's the big one getting home?"

"Around eight." Soda answered, grabbing a plate.

"Already saved him a plate." I told Soda, following suit and getting a plate, filling it with the minimum amount of food to keep my brother off my back. Johnny, Soda, and I took the sofa, and the other guys scattered around the living room, all of us digging in while I thought about Randy and Bob and the rumble and the fire and wondered if I would ever stop remembering things that never happened.


	16. Johnny's Intuition

Johnny's Intuition

I was worried. Of course, so were Sodapop and the rest of the guys, even Dal and Steve, but Pony was my best friend, so I figured I had the right to be worried. He wasn't the same. Ever since that night, he'd been different. He was only fourteen, and he had to live with the fact that he'd killed someone. Ponyboy Curtis, the kid who liked poetry and sunsets and who did great in school...the guy who didn't even like rumbles, had killed someone. With my knife. How on earth had he even gotten that knife!?

To be honest, I didn't blame my friend for wanting to go back to school. I would have been the same. Hell, I was the same. Black eyes and split lips never kept me out of school. I wasn't about to hide from anybody, even if I was hurting too bad to fight that day. Then again, socs didn't come after me at school too often. It was a different story when I was out on my own. I knew I was smaller than the other guys, even Pony who was two years younger than me. I was a decent fighter, but I couldn't take on more than one guy that was bigger than me, so outside of school, I had to be careful. But it didn't stop me from walking wherever I wanted, and I knew this wouldn't stop Ponyboy from going to school. He was the same kind of stubborn I was.

I knew his brother was awful worried about him. Sodapop had jumped right over that counter when he'd seen Randy standing there. I was as scared of the guy as Pony was, but I'd known that between the two of us, it would be better for the guy to hit me than Pony. Pony wasn't looking too good these days…it looked like one good hit would knock him right out. Heck, a strong wind might do it. And I knew it got on his nerves, all of us suddenly hovering like we did, but man, it freaked me out to see him like this, always keeping his arms real close to his sides, leaning away from people so nothing ran into him. No way that aspirin was doing him any good.

After I'd been jumped that first time, I'd been kind of the same. Always leaning away from people, staying to myself. Man, that had been scary, scarier than taking a beating from my old man or my old lady, that was for sure. Those socs had wanted to kill me. And when they had held me under the fountain…I'd thought I was gonna die. Me and Pony both. Being held under that water, about to pass out, I'd hoped that Pony had at least gotten away. We were both too young to die, but he was even younger than me. Then someone had been pulling me out of that cold water, and I'd seen a look on my best friend's face I'd never seen before. Then I'd seen that soc. Bob. Dead in his own blood pooling around him.

Dally had wanted us to run away. I'd expected Pony to go along with it, the way he was acting, just going along with whatever I said, following me like a zombie or something, except when he pulled his shirt off and gave it to me. That was pretty good of him. But Pony had drawn the line there, insisting he wanted to go home. Dally had been pissed, but it was his life. Ultimately, he was the one who'd committed the crime. He would have to live with the consequences. So Dally had driven us to his house.

I'd stayed on the porch at the Curtis house, waiting for Darry to blow up. Darrel Curtis was someone I respected a lot…and someone who scared the shit out of me at the same time. I'd never done anything to piss him off, but once Steve had called him 'all brawn and no brains' and I swear Steve had almost lost a tooth. So to hear that Darry had hit Ponyboy, his own little brother, made him even scarier.

I knew Darry didn't do it on purpose. I knew he loved Pony and Soda more than anything. He'd do anything for his brothers. But they fought all the time, and I knew it really messed with Pony to have his brother yelling at him all the time. Darry didn't mean it…he was just stressed and he wasn't really that much older than the rest of us, but he had to take care of a family and work all those jobs and it just sucked. That family didn't deserve all this. It was hard on all of them. Still, Darry had a short temper and I had enough experience with short tempers to know I should avoid them when they were about to blow up. Dally was the exception…I was pretty sure he'd never hurt me or nothing. Not that Darry would…it just made me nervous.

So I was worried. Sometimes, Pony would just sit there and get this look on his face…like now. The rest of the gang were talking and eating, Sodapop and Steve arguing about something about work, and Pony just sat there, staring at his plate but not really seeing it. It had been happening all the time since he'd killed Bob. Killed Bob for me. I had to remember that. Ponyboy had killed someone for me, with my knife. And I still didn't understand how he'd gotten that knife. It had been in my pocket when we'd gone from the lot to the park…anyway, he was different now. Two-Bit was right about that. Pony wasn't like the rest of us. He never had been. And now he was even more different. He was quieter than before, with the gang and with me. He didn't seem to notice what was going on around him. He didn't talk to me. Before, he'd talked to me all the time, telling me everything that bugged him.

I saw the flash of irritation that would appear in his eyes when one of us asked if he was okay, but I also saw that look in his eye that freaked me out. Now, as he stared at his plate, he looked so afraid and…haunted. Was it really just that he was afraid of what could have happened? He kept asking if I was okay when he was in the hospital…and according to Dally, he still talked about it in his sleep. He still asked if I was okay. Dally had told me that Ponyboy had dreamed about a fire...that we were trapped in a fire, me and him, and he kept asking Dally to save us...to help us. Why? I mean, those socs could have killed us, no question there, and they'd almost drowned me. But had it really affected him that much? It just seemed like there was something else. There had to be. Nothing had happened! I was fine and so was he.

"Pony?" He jumped a little, looking over at me in surprise, pulled from whatever he'd been thinking. I didn't ask if he was okay. I had a feeling he might snap if someone asked him that one more time. But I did give him a look, hoping my face conveyed the same message.

"Yeah?" He asked, taking a bite of his food that he'd been ignoring. The look had appeared on his face when we were reading too…well, he'd done most of the reading, only passing the book to me a few times. He was real nice about the fact that I didn't like reading out loud much. It was better to hear him read anyway. He was good at it. It was like, when he was reading, I could see the movie again, only the book was better. Still, between the irritation and the haunted fear, he just seemed distracted, like he wasn't quite there with us.

"You wanna read some more?" I asked, deciding that asking him anything else would be useless. He smiled a bit, but it didn't really reach his eyes. Why? What was bugging him? The socs? Darry?

"Sure. Sounds good." I nodded, going back to my food. I wondered if all this would go away…the look he would get on his face and how he was always distracted. It would, I figured. He'd go back to being my best friend that loved to read and didn't always look like he was scared of something. Soda was shooting us looks, but he didn't ask any questions. He never did. He was good at understanding things…if I could have a brother, it would be him. He always listened to Pony, and even when he thought his kid brother was wrong, he stood up for him. Like now, he obviously wanted to ask if Pony was okay, but he just took a bite, continuing his conversation with Two-Bit.

After a while, as everyone else was on their second helping and Pony was still picking at his first, Steve turned to Ponyboy. "I told your teachers that you were feeling sick. You should probably get Darry to call, just in case." Steve told him between bites, glancing over at Sodapop who was silent.

"Thanks." He mumbled, that look still on his face. Steve nodded but didn't say anything else. At the hospital, Steve had been pretty worried about Pony. He'd stuck around his hospital room every day, always there when I had come by with Two-Bit or Dallas. And he'd stayed until Darry and Soda had gotten off work.

I didn't like to think about the hospital, or how sick my friend had been. I hadn't even gotten to see him until the second day, after they'd let me go...I'd been stuck in an interrogation room by myself at that police station, hands cuffed behind my back, worrying about Pony and wondering where Dallas was. They'd separated all of us as soon as we'd gotten to the station, Dally's reminders not to talk to the police ringing in my ears. When the big officer had shoved me into the chair, I'd just ignored him, barking out that I wanted a lawyer then staring at the table and hoping he didn't hit me. He hadn't, instead just slamming a hand on the table and making up some story about Dal ratting me out. When it became obvious that I wasn't gonna buy that, he'd taken off, leaving me alone once more.

Finally, some lawyer had popped his head in to introduce himself, assuring me that he was speaking with Ponyboy first to get his side of the story, then he'd come talk to me. He'd offered to call my family for me, to have someone come sit with me since I was a minor, but I'd turned him down pretty quick. No way I wanted my parents involved in this. He had gotten a police officer to come in and uncuff me, so that had been nice. I'd been alone, then, sitting and staring at the table until that lawyer had come back, taking a seat across from me and asking me what exactly had happened.

"Is Ponyboy okay?" I'd asked instead of answering, needing to know that my friend was alright. He hadn't looked too good in that cop car.

"He's with his older brother in the other room. I believe he may need to see a doctor, but I think we can get you two released today. This case is pretty open and shut...I do need you to explain what happened, though." Nodding, I'd done my best, telling him about how Pony had come running into the lot and waking me up, telling me he wanted to run away.

"He didn't mean it though...he just needed to cool off."

"And why was Ponyboy so upset?" The lawyer had asked, making me pause. No way Ponyboy had told him the truth.

"Him and Darry got into a fight. Probably because Ponyboy got home late." I'd shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "They fight sometimes. It's no big deal." He hadn't argued, and then I'd gone on, explaining how Pony had asked to see my knife, which he hadn't, and then the part where they'd dragged me to the fountain...how I'd heard them kicking my best friend. How I'd been scared they were gonna kill both of us...then how we'd gone to Dally.

Once I'd been done, the police officer had come back, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me to my feet. He'd cuffed me again, and then he'd been dragging me down the hall. Dally had been out there too, and he'd rolled his eyes at me, glaring at the fuzz that surrounded us, like we were some kind of dangerous hardened criminals instead of a couple of teenage greasers. Our lawyer was walking with us down to where I had assumed Pony and Darry were waiting. Then they'd opened the door to a room down the hall, and we'd found Ponyboy hunched over in a chair, Darry holding him by the shoulders. Beside us, the lawyer had sworn under his breath, hurrying into the room and slamming his hand down onto the table.

He'd asked if I was okay. Why? Why did he ask if I was okay? I'd told him I was fine, but before I could ask anything else, he'd slumped forward, eyes rolling back as he'd fallen against his brother. I could still hear Darry's panicked voice when he'd caught him. "Pony? Ponyboy!" He'd cried, easing his brother down onto the floor, Pony's head in his lap.

"An ambulance is on the way, Darrel." The lawyer has assured Darry who'd had his hand on Pony's cheek, patting it carefully. Dally had started yelling the cops, then, calling them idiots and swearing it was their fault if Pony was hurt. He put on a good show, making everyone think he didn't give a shit about anyone, but Ponyboy was like his kid brother. I could tell it freaked him out to see my friend fall over like that, and to see Darry shaking him real careful and calling to his brother, sounding desperate.

"Wake up, kiddo, come on." He'd mumbled, ignoring the lawyer who'd been standing behind him. "Pony? Honey, please...please don't do this." I'd never seen Darry this upset...even when we'd come back to the house, Pony crying in his arms and telling him that we'd killed someone. That Pony had killed someone. I hadn't killed anyone, but it should have been me. It should have been me who'd killed someone for Ponyboy. I should have been the one to stab someone, to protect my friend. I should have to live with that. Not Ponyboy.

My friend had laid on the ground, head in his brother's lap, mouth open as he'd wheezed, struggling to breathe, hands in weak fists at his sides. Every once in a while, his head had turned to the side and back a little, jaw tight, the terrible wheezing sound filling the room as his chest hitched. "He can't breathe." Darry had whispered, stroking his brother's hair, then he'd spoken up, looking around almost desperately. "He can't breathe!" He'd snarled, glaring at the cops. None of them had met his eyes. "C'mon, little buddy. It's okay." He'd knelt over his brother's head, curled around him like he was going to protect him from something…like he was afraid of something attacking his brother. Dally had swore then, turning to the cop that was holding his arm.

"We told you his ribs were broken, you asshole! We told you he was hurt! The kid wasn't gonna fight you! But you had to cuff him! Had to rough up some fourteen-year-old kid, didn't ya!?" His accent came out in the end, marking him as a northerner. He rarely let it slip like that...usually he spoke like the rest of us, and I didn't know if it's because he wanted to fit in, or because he had just gotten in the habit over the years.

The fuzz all glared at him, but none of them made a move to answer. The lawyer had spun around then, pointing his finger right in the chest of the guy holding Dally's arm. "You'll uncuff these young men right now, do you understand me? This is ridiculous! Dallas Winston came in to answer some questions. He volunteered to speak with you. He wasn't even present during the crime in question. And Jonathan Cade was attacked in the park...he was nearly killed. He had nothing to do with the stabbing."

"It was his knife. He was with Ponyboy Curtis during..."

"You brought these boys in for questioning, and one of them is leaving in an ambulance. You'd better pray that Darrel Curtis doesn't sue you for everything you're worth!" He snapped, gesturing wildly at the group of them. I didn't think Darry could afford to do that, but it was pretty tuff of the lawyer to stick up for us like that.

The paramedics had almost had to drag Pony out of his brother's arms. The lawyer had knelt beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder, and from the corner of the room where I had bee shoved, I'd wondered if Darry planned on slugging the paramedic. Dally had been uncuffed, since he wasn't even in trouble for anything…they just liked handcuffing greasers, and he'd gone to call Sodapop and let him know what was going on. "Darrel, they need to take your brother to the hospital." He'd talked real quiet, his voice gentle, like Dar was some kind of little kid that needed to be reasoned with. Apparently, he did though, because it took another second before he'd let his brother go.

They'd eased my friend onto the stretcher, then led me back to another interrogation room where they'd left me alone to wonder if Pony was okay. From there, I was placed in a holding cell for the night, probably because they didn't want people to think that lawyer had made them do anything. The next day, though, the lawyer had come back, yelling and causing a racket, and they'd let me go. Dal had picked me up from the police station, leaning against the wall when they'd finally let me out into the waiting room.

"You okay?" He'd asked as we'd stepped out into the parking lot, and I'd shrugged. I hadn't really gotten any sleep, but it hadn't been because I'd been in a police station...well, not just because of that. I kept seeing my friend on the floor, his mouth open as he'd struggled to breathe while his big brother had held him, all but begging him to wake up.

"Yeah. How's Pony?" I'd wanted to know. I hadn't wanted to ask in front of the fuzz...didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I was scared, and the lawyer was nowhere around at that point.

"I haven't been to the hospital." He'd told me. "I called Sodapop, and he said the kid was still unconscious. He had to have surgery or something." He'd led me over to the car he'd borrowed from someone, peeling out of the parking lot.

"You think he'll be okay?" I'd asked softly, crossing my arms and staring out the window at the town that passed in a blur. He'd sighed.

"Of course he'll be fine. He's a tough kid." He'd told me, but I'd watched him when we'd arrived at Pony's hospital room. He'd stared at the ground, jaw tight, and had taken a long time to finally move over to where the rest of the gang stood or sat around Pony's bed. No one else had really noticed I don't think. I think they were all too focused on Pony, but I saw him. I kept glancing over, and even when he joined us he looked…upset. And then when Pony had said that Dally wouldn't care if he died…it had really messed him up. How could Pony really think that? How could Ponyboy think that Dally didn't care about him?

Dally cared about Ponyboy more than almost anyone. He always looked out for him...me too. He let us tag along when he went to the movies or anywhere when he wasn't meeting a girl and he made sure no one messed with us and backed us up in fights and kept the socs from jumping us. Other greasers too…he made sure they knew that we weren't to be screwed around with, and he was the reason those greasers on the bus had backed us up. Everyone knew that we were buddies with Dallas Winston and that kept us pretty safe around town with everyone but the socs.

How could Ponyboy not see that? Just cause Dal wasn't like Soda or Two-Bit or Steve...on second thought, he probably thought Steve hated him too. I'd tried explaining it to him, but I could tell that Ponyboy still thought I was more important to them...that somehow, I held the gang together or something. It was stupid. Two-Bit had said something like it...that they wouldn't be the gang without me, but it was the same for Ponyboy. I don't think his brothers could survive losing him...neither could the rest of us. He was our little brother.

Me and Pony decided to head to the lot when we were all done eating, leaving Two-Bit to give Sodapop the exaggerated story about what had happened at school while Soda did the dishes. Dallas was the only one in the living room when we ducked out, and he crossed his arms, obviously waiting for an explanation. He didn't get up from the sofa, but it was obvious he expected us to tell him what we were up to. "We're gonna head to the lot," I told him, holding up the book and hoping he'd tell the others for us. I should have known better.

"You ask your brother?" He asked, staring pointedly at Ponyboy.

"No," Pony told him, managing to convey both disgust and disbelief into that one word. Dally smirked, glancing at the kitchen, and Pony rolled his eyes. "Sodapop, Johnny and I are heading to the lot!" He called, interrupting Two-Bit who was telling Soda all about the rumble. "We'll be back soon."

"Pony…"

"We'll be back soon!" He repeated, shutting the door behind him, and I laughed as we walked slowly down the sidewalk, Pony careful with every move. The lot was only a few minutes from the Curtis house, and the streets were empty, so I didn't feel bad that we'd ditched the guys to come here. I figured we had another hour or so until Darry got home, so we had some time to read. Opening the book, I sat down on a crate while Ponyboy lowered himself carefully down onto his.

"You okay?" I asked softly, breaking my vow to myself not to ask him that.

"Yeah. Want me to read first?" I held out the book to him, and he took it, skimming the page to find where we'd left off, and then he read until it was too dark to see the page, which was where Darry found us.

Pony was putting the book down, placing a scrap of paper I was using as a bookmark inside to keep our place when his big brother appeared at the edge of the lot. At first, I'd thought he was a soc and was getting ready to make a break for it. The house was close enough that we could probably yell and our buddies would come running. But when he'd come a little closer, I'd nudged Pony with my shoe and gestured with my head. Following my gaze, Pony had looked over, stiffening before realizing who it was coming to join us as I'd taken the book back. "Hey, Darry." I greeted his big brother, and he nodded.

"Johnnycakes. Ponyboy. Sodapop said you guys were out here." He ruffled my hair, then dropped a hand on Ponyboy's shoulder. "What are you two doing out here." I held up the book.

"Trying to finish this."

"For school?"

"Nah." I shrugged. "Just wanted to read it." He nodded, his eyes going back to Pony. "So, what happened at school today?"

"Two-Bit didn't give you the play-by-play?" I asked, leaning back and crossing my arms. He smiled a little.

"He told me you guys headed home early, and that there was a fight." He stared down at Pony, who sighed.

"Some socs wanted a fight." He told his brother with a shrug. Darry looked between us, keeping his hand on Pony's shoulder. "I'm fine, Darry."

"Kiddo…" He trailed off, looking briefly at me before going back to his brother.

"Can you call the school? Since I left early? Two-Bit brought my homework."

"Yeah." He sighed, patting Ponyboy on the shoulder then crossing his arms. "Two-Bit said that guy pushed you into some lockers."

"Yeah, but I'm okay." Darry was quiet for a moment, then nodded, apparently giving up on getting any more information from Ponyboy.

"I get off work at two tomorrow. I'll pick you up at school and we can see if we can get you some new pain meds." Pony looked like he was about to argue, but he apparently thought better of that and nodded.

"Okay."

"It's too dark to read…you guys wanna head back to the house? Johnny, you can stay the night if you want."

"Thanks, Darry." I pulled myself to my feet, watching as Darry helped Pony up. When we headed back, I stayed a few feet behind Darry and Pony.

"Kiddo, you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, Dar. I'm fine."

"You know no one would blame you if you stayed home for a few more days." He told Pony quietly, echoing my own thoughts. "Honestly, I'd feel a lot better if you did." I figured he wouldn't listen to Darry either, though. Ponyboy had made his mind up, and he didn't want to hide. I didn't really blame him. I wouldn't want to hide either. "You guys ran into Randy again?" He confirmed, changing tactics when Pony was silent. "Sodapop mentioned he stopped by." Pony nodded.

"Yeah. He wanted Soda to fix his car."

"He bug you guys?" He asked, glancing back at me.

"Nah," I spoke up, moving a little closer. "Just wanted his car fixed like Pony said," Darry grunted, not sounding convinced but not questioning us further.

Pony was moving awful slow, and I figured he needed more aspirin. I was glad he was getting some better pain meds the next day. The over-the-counter stuff wasn't doing much for him, and I knew he had hated those other pills. He'd been even worse while he was on those, always drowsy and even more distracted than he was now. I remembered the movie with Dally, how I'd glanced over at Ponyboy a few times. Usually, he was really into films, but he'd only been out of the hospital for a day, and his head had been nodding, his eyes closing a few times. When he had been watching the movie, he'd stared straight ahead, his eyes flat and far off.

Darry paused right before we reached the house, his hand resting on the gate. He turned to us, looking down at us seriously, his arms crossed. "You two, make sure you don't go anywhere alone, okay? I don't trust Randy…he could get his car fixed somewhere else." We both watched him, me wondering if he knew something. Sodapop had acted the same way, and I wondered if Randy had something planned. I hadn't seen him around at school, but that didn't mean he wasn't around. I made a mental note to keep a better eye out. If the socs were planning something, we'd need to be ready.

"Yeah, we'll be careful, Darry," Pony told him slowly. I knew he was irritated by the overprotectiveness of his brothers…but I also knew he didn't argue with Sodapop or Darry anymore. Sodapop had mentioned that before…that Ponyboy acted like he was scared to argue with them, but Pony insisted that he wasn't scared of Darry hitting him again, so I wondered why he was acting this way. I wondered if he'd tell me if I asked him, then decided to give him some more time. Whatever was bugging Pony, I figured he'd want to talk about it eventually. For now, though, I'd just stick around, making sure the socs stayed away from him…making sure he was okay. It was the least I could do for the guy that had saved my life.

That night I stayed over at the Curtis house, sleeping on their couch while the rest of the guys went home. I'd never been one for nightmares, and after seeing what they did to Pony, I had been grateful. Around four am, though, I jerked awake, sitting up and nearly falling off the sofa. There had been a church...my friend had stood across from me, his hair so blond it was nearly white, his face black with soot. Outside, Dally had been screaming at us to get out of the church. The church that was on fire.


	17. Threats

Threats

Sodapop shook me awake, pulling me from a dream about, of course, a fire. Johnny had been staring at me from across the burning sanctuary, his eyes wide and startled. He had been yelling for me, pointing to something just beyond where I stood, the flames roaring around me. I remembered what the fire had felt like. I knew what it felt like inside a burning ember…it felt like hell. I was wondering where Dallas was when Soda's hand touched my shoulder, squeezing and shaking me carefully. "Pony, c'mon, time to get up. My brother mumbled.

Before my ribs had been broken, Soda would sometimes wake me by jumping on the bed beside me, slugging me in the shoulder some mornings, shaking me until I finally yelled at him to get off, fighting laughter all the time. It was almost impossible for me to get angry with Sodapop. Other days, he'd beat me over the head with a pillow he would yank out from under my head. His favorite method, however, was to gang up on me with Darry. They would tickle me until I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, and tears would pour from my eyes as I fought to get them off of me.

I thought of those mornings as I gripped the blankets tighter, how Sodapop would sit on me, running his fingers over my ribs until I was screaming, and how Darry would come in, helping him hold me down, both of them easily dodging my wild, desperate swings. Darry would always be the one to put a stop to it, laughing as he would shove our brother off of me and giving me a hand up. He would ruffle my hair before leaving me to get ready, wishing me an amused good morning as he went back to making breakfast. And yet, I'd somehow thought that he'd actually hated me. I couldn't understand that now…my brother had given up everything for me. He looked out for me. He woke me up in the mornings by tickling me when he could have just yelled at me to get up. He could have spent that time making his own breakfast or getting some more sleep.

"Wake up, Pony." Soda ordered tiredly, shaking me again and pulling me out of my thoughts. I groaned, halfheartedly swiping at him. He laughed, then yanked the covers off of me. I groaned loudly, curling up into a ball and reaching blindly for the blanket. "Come on, get up." He left me to grope for the blanket, and after a minute I heard the shower turn on.

"Pony? You up?" Darry called, knocking on the wall by our door.

"Yeah!" I called, still feeling for the blanket. He snorted, and I felt him sit on the bed beside me in Soda's spot.

"Liar." He mussed my hair, messing it up even more. I swatted at him, missing completely, and he chuckled. I really needed to fix my hair. "How do you feel?"

"Sleepy."

"How are your ribs?"

"Broken." He sighed, and I tensed a little, my stomach dropping when I thought about fighting with him. The dream was still fresh in my mind. Johnny. Fire. Don't fight with your brothers. "Kind of sore. Can I have an aspirin?" I opened my eyes for the first time, glancing over at him. He didn't look angry…more concerned. I guess I used to mix those up sometimes. He worried a lot. Even before our parents, he'd been the worrier, especially when it came to me.

"Sure, kiddo. You'd better get up if you're going to school." I nodded and he stood, heading to the kitchen. In the bathroom, I heard the shower shut off, and in the living room, Darry spoke to someone else. I tried to remember who had stayed the night...probably Johnny. We'd sat in the bedroom, reading Gone With the Wind until Soda had come in, telling us to give it a rest and go to sleep as he'd dropped onto our bed, almost instantly falling asleep. Johnny had grinned, climbing to his feet from where we'd been sitting on the floor, and took the book with him.

I sat up slowly, making sure to move carefully. A hand pressed against my side helped as I stood, running a hand over my face, which is when Darry brought in a handful of pills and a glass of water. I swallowed the three aspirin and the antibiotic, grunting my thanks after I downed the water. "Remember, I'm picking up after work today. We'll see if we can get you something better than aspirin." I nodded, and he took the glass back. "Come get some breakfast. Steve's gonna be here soon."

Steve showed up right as I was finishing my breakfast, but he didn't come in. Instead, he sat in our driveway and honked the horn, making Darry sigh and roll his eyes. "Let him wait. Finish your breakfast, Sodapop. Pony, don't forget a coat. Johnny, you sure you don't want breakfast?" He asked as I headed to the living room, passing a half-asleep Soda who was shoveling eggs and jelly into his mouth, then sat on the sofa as slowly as I could. Every few seconds, Steve's horn would blast through the neighborhood, making me jump a little.

As I was trying to get my shoes on, I glanced up to find a worried looking Johnny leaning in the doorway from the kitchen. Apparently, he hadn't wanted any breakfast. "You need some help, man?" My friend asked. I guess it had been obvious that tying my shoes was killing me. Leaning over that far made my ribs ache, the stabbing pains deep in my chest. Had it been anyone else, except maybe Soda, I would have been offended and probably embarrassed, but Johnny looked real worried, his arms crossed tight over his chest, like he was scared he'd offended me or something. I gave up, sitting back a little, and he came over, kneeling down and tying my shoes before anyone else could come in and see. I gave him a half smile that he returned, standing quickly and giving me a hand up just as Soda came into the room, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Darry hurried in too, grabbing his tool belt from the table.

"See you guys later. Pony, I'll be in the parking lot."

"See you, Dar!" Soda called, waving a hand.

"Bye, Darry." I waved as well, and Johnny and I followed Sodapop out to Steve's car. He glared at us as we all climbed into the back seat, jerking the car into reverse as he peeled away from the house, burning rubber. Two-Bit grinned over his shoulder at us.

"Guess who's supposed to meet Evie before class?" Johnny smirked and I kept my mouth shut, staring out the window of the car. In the front seat, Steve punched Two-Bit hard in the arm, and the two of them started a mock fight that seemed lift his spirits and endangered all of us. When I glanced at Soda, who would usually be all over a fight like this, his smile looked forced. I figured the thing with Sandy had still happened…I wasn't sure when though. Maybe when I'd been in the hospital. Johnny would probably be my best bet to ask. He could keep his trap shut real good. I looked out the window before my brother caught me staring. I didn't feel like explaining to him why I suddenly looked upset. He worried enough.

Once more, Sodapop gave me a long look before we dropped him off at the station, but this time he didn't say anything, just grinned and waved at us, calling that he'd see Steve later at work. And once more, the ride to school was quiet, with Steve splitting before the rest of us could even get out of the car. Two-Bit chuckled as Steve hurried off to meet his girlfriend, slamming the door behind him and taking my backpack away before I could protest.

The atmosphere in the hallway was different. Yesterday, things had been relatively normal, despite the whispers and the glares. That day, though, things were tense. Greasers walked in groups, giving the socs side-eyed glares. The socs, too, were walking in packs, shoulders squared, hands clenched as they watched for trouble. Even the teachers seemed on edge, looking between the groups warily. I glanced over at Two-Bit as we stepped through the front door, but he just looked mildly amused, his grin lazy as he strolled in like he owned the place. I glanced at Johnny, and he looked just as worried as I was.

I heard the murmurs as soon as we stepped into the building. "Murderer." That was the most common one, whispered behind books and fake-coughed into fists.

"You better watch your back, greaser." One guy growled as he walked by, his shoulder almost knocking into me before I dodged, pulling back at the last second.

"That's the one. He killed Bob!" A soc girl hissed to her friends, glaring coldly at me. I swallowed, trying not to look unnerved by the venom in her gaze. We turned toward my first class, the three of us walking together down the hall as the greasers gave me admiring glances and the socs glared at us, probably planning on jumping me as soon as they got me alone. I hoped they didn't catch me alone any time soon.

Instead of throwing the notes in the form of paper balls at me, this time someone tossed a folded piece of paper onto my desk a few minutes into our teacher's lecture. I sighed before deciding to open it, not at all surprised when it said 'Your dead greaser.' It seemed they didn't have any original insults for me, so I tossed it onto the floor, making sure they saw me do it. Glancing back at the group of glaring socs, I rolled my eyes, lifting my middle finger and turning back to my textbook. I had managed to finish my homework and turned it in as soon as I'd entered the classroom, dropping it onto my teacher's desk. I was glad I was somewhat caught up, at least in one class.

Once more, Two-Bit was standing outside the classroom when I stood, Johnny flanking him and glaring at someone behind me. I didn't bother looking, a choice I immediately regretted when something slammed into me from behind, my hand flying out to catch myself on the edge of my desk. I groaned, my arm wrapping around my side, and fought the urge to throw a punch. Two-Bit, apparently, wasn't interested in fighting that urge.

"Hey, why don't you watch where you're walking, pal?" He snapped, stepping forward and blocking the soc from leaving.

"Mr. Matthews. Mr. Jacobs. Do we have a problem?" Our teacher's voice was hard, but he was scared. We could all hear it. The only stragglers in the classroom were a couple of soc girls, both of whom backed up, eyes wide as they watched Two-Bit at the soc, something Jacobs face off against each other in the doorway.

"Yeah, I think we do. Mr. Jacobs…" Two-Bit bit the name out, his smile mocking. "How about you apologize to my friend here. I'm sure you didn't mean to run into him, didya?" He asked, putting a hand on the guy's shoulder, clapping his on the arm a little too hard to be friendly. I straightened, meeting Johnny's eyes, and grabbed my backpack to throw it on my back, ignoring the fact that doing so hurt.

"C'mon, Two-Bit." I mumbled, moving over to stand beside my buddy. Two-Bit didn't let the guy go, though.

"I'm just waiting on that apology, kiddo." He told me, his eyes hard. I sighed, crossing my arms and glancing over at Johnny. He stood tall, shoulders squared, ready to back our buddy.

"Mr. Matthews, Mr. Jacobs…" The teacher's voice was more worry than warning, and I knew that if it came to blows, he wouldn't be breaking it up. He didn't strike me as much of a fighter.

"Sorry about that. Didn't see ya, kid." The soc grinned over at me for a second before facing Two-Bit once more, clapping him on the shoulder just as hard, and Two-Bit dropped his hand, stepping back a little and letting him by. Johnny tracked him with his eyes, and in the hallway, the greasers and socs who had assembled watched him walk by. The apology didn't make me feel any better. If anything, it made me feel worse. These socs hated me enough without Two-Bit antagonizing him.

"Two-Bit…" I mumbled, glaring at him, but he just lifted a cheerful eyebrow, grinning a little.

"Can't let those socs get away with too much, kiddo, they'll start thinking they can go around, doing whatever they want. Had to teach him a lesson."

"You know all you did was…"

"Aw shut it, kid. You'll be late to your next class." I thought about pushing it, about telling him he'd just made the guy mad, and now, after he'd been embarrassed in front of me, he was gonna really be gunning for me. These socs had something planned. I just hoped my friends were around when they decided to pull it off.

The socs were fairly quiet the rest of the day. Two-Bit drove us over to the DX in Steve's car, since he was spending it with Evie out in the parking lot. Soda gave me a sandwich for lunch from the DX counter, giving Johnny one too, and took his break in the parking lot, all of us standing around the car, me leaning on the trunk. He asked if anyone had bugged me, and I started to lie, but Two-bit spoke up, telling him about our encounter with Jacobs.

My brother narrowed his eyes a bit at that, thinking about the name. After a minute, he nodded. "Yeah, I know him. He was on the football team with Bob." Sodapop gave me a look. He knew I was gonna lie. "Eric, I think. Good buddies with Randy." I sighed. Of course he was.

"Pony, you better watch your back. You hear." Soda warned me, reaching out and gripping my shoulder as we were leaving. Johnny and Two-Bit were already in the car, smoking before I got in the back seat. Darry didn't want them smoking in the car with me inside…he was still worried about my lungs. I wanted to climb in the backseat and take a few deep breaths so bad my hands were shaking. He glanced down at them, a flicker of sympathy appearing.

"Yeah, I hear." I told him, running a hand through my hair. "Two-Bit shuolda left it alone."

"You know Two ain't gonna let some soc mess with you." He looked like he was pretty happy about that fact.

"He just made the guy mad."

"They're already mad." He squeezed my shoulder. "Get back to school. I'll see you at home."

"Yeah, alright." I waved, climbing into the back seat of Steve's car.

"Be careful, kiddo." Soda called as we pulled out of the parking lot, heading back to the school. Thankfully the rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Even though Two-Bit had obviously pissed off the soc, Eric Jacobs, that group was leaving me alone. I still got the occasional glare or muttered insult, and by the end of the day, I had been passed at least thirty notes, more than I'd ever gotten in my entire life, and every one of them said something along the lines of 'Your gonna die' or, as Soda had said, 'Watch your back.' I threw them all out, or let them drop to the floor. Last thing I needed was Darry or Sodapop finding one of those notes and worrying. Or getting mad.

Two-Bit and Johnny escorted me to all of my classes, with Steve showing up toward the end of the day to walk me to my last class, Evie attached to his hand. "Hey, guys." She called, swinging the hand that was holding Steve's. Two-Bit grinned at her, shouldering my backpack as we walked.

"Hey, Evie. You seen Kathy around?" He asked, glancing back at me.

"Nah. She stayed home." She followed his gaze back to me. "Hey Ponyboy. Heard you took out a soc." I felt my blood go cold, draining from my face and somehow knotting up in my stomach. Steve clenched his jaw, meeting my eyes for a second, then nudging his girlfriend. "What? I think it's pretty tough. Bob was an asshole."

I reached out, grabbing my backpack from Two-Bit, and he let me take it. "I'd better get to class. See you guys." I mumbled, turning abruptly and taking the long way to my class. I knew that I'd killed that guy, and I knew that some people would think that I was tough or brave or something for killing him. But I'd ended a man's life…and to hear Evie say it like that…some girl thought it was tough that I'd killed a man. I paused outside my classroom, glancing around the empty hall and not caring that I was late.

I leaned back against the lockers, my backpack at my feet, and put my head in my hands, taking deep breaths. It was stupid to let Steve's girlfriend get to me. She hadn't even said anything I hadn't been hearing all day. Heck, she hadn't meant anything by it. She was being nice. Now I'd probably offended her and Steve too. Those socs on the bus had said it was a good thing, too…that I'd killed someone. I'd killed someone. I closed my eyes and saw it.

I saw Bob on the ground, felt the knife in my hand…the warm blood that had dripped down onto my fingers. I'd been so cold. It had been freezing that night and I had seen my breath like a mist in front of my face. I felt the knife in his back, how it had cut into his spine, then the warm blood on my hand. Blood on my hand. I watched him crumple, blood pooling around the body on the ground. My hands in the freezing water, pulling Johnny out of the fountain. "Kid?" I opened my eyes, glad someone had brought me out of it before my mind wandered to the fire…to my best friend dying in front of me. Instead of staring at Steve, though, I stared at my hands, like I was expecting blood to still be there.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" I asked, my voice dull.

"You look like shit, kiddo. Maybe you should…"

"It was so easy." I whispered it, looking right at Steve for the first time, feeling the desperation coming out in my tone. He was silent, his mouth still open, but his eyes were wide and confused. "Killing him." I clarified. He closed his eyes for a second then, sighing.

"Look, she shouldn't have said that, kid. I told her not to talk…"

"It was so easy. " I continued, shaking my head and ignoring him. "Not just physically...because it was." I talked about it like I was talking about the weather…casual, bordering on hysterical. "I just walked up to him and put a knife in his back. But after…I don't even care that he's dead. It was so easy…" I closed my eyes again, not wanting to see it but not able to block it from my memory. "I don't even care that he's dead."

"Yeah? Me neither." My eyes flew open at the anger in his tone. He crossed his arms, meeting my gaze full on. "Look, what you had to do…it's shit and we all know it. It shoulda been…well, it shouldn't have been you." He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "But I don't care he's dead either. None of us do. And it wasn't easy for you. If it had been easy, you wouldn't still be beating yourself up over this. That asshole tried to kill Johnny, and you saved him. That's all that matters, okay?" I nodded, not sure if I believed him, but it was good to hear, nonetheless.

I reached down to grab my backpack, but he handed it to me before I could bend over. "Go to class, kid. I'll see ya around." He turned then, hands in his pockets as he started to stroll away.

"Thanks, Steve."

"Yeah, don't mention it." He called, turning a corner, and I went to class, ducking in the back and hoping the teacher felt bad enough for me to keep quiet about it. He did, thankfully, and for the next hour, I pretended to take notes, all the while hoping nothing we were learning was too important because my mind was miles away.

I headed out to the parking lot alone, hands shoved in my pockets as I looked for Darry's truck. I'd ducked out a few minutes early, not wanting a heart to heart with Two-Bit after my talk with Steve. I couldn't keep letting this get to me. I'd killed someone. That was my anything. Heck, it could have been so much worse. I mean, Darry had a meeting with the State, but the charges had been dropped and Johnny was alive and Dally was fine. I was okay with this. I just…had to learn to live with it.

I spotted Darry's truck toward the back of the lot, among the cars speeding to get away from the school. He was standing against the hood of the truck, arms crossed and looking bored, but when he glanced up and saw me, he grinned, standing upright. I schooled my expression, hoping I didn't look upset. I was miles away, my mind wandering, and Darry hated it when my head was in the clouds, so I tried to focus, moving carefully through the cars, stopping abruptly when one whizzed by right in front of me. I lifted my eyebrows, meeting Darry's eyes. He looked mildly annoyed, glaring after the car that had almost hit me, and I checked the way again before crossing the aisle.

The shove came before I'd made it to the next line of cars. I stumbled, my hand flying to my side, my other hand catching myself on a mustang. I swore under my breath, struggling to stand upright and face whoever had run into me. It was Eric Jacobs, with two football buddies flanking him. I did my best to stand upright, hands clenched into fists, but before any actual fighting could happen, my big brother was there at my side, fists up, and the socs backed up a bit. Man, I was glad my brother was so big.

"Hey! What's your problem, asshole?" He snapped, taking another step toward the guys. I really hoped some more greasers were nearby if this came to a fight. My brother was the best fighter in our neighborhood, but it was three on one, as I was useless at the moment. A few guys walking to their cars glanced over, all with greasy hair, and, hands in their pockets, eyes narrow, they paused, watching to see how this was going to go down.

"I ain't got no problem with you, man." Eric mumbled, giving me a dirty look, like I'd just roped the closest guy around into helping me. Like I was some kind of snitch.

"Yeah? I got news for you, pal. You mess with my little brother, then you've got a problem with me." He took another step. "And trust me, you don't want a problem with me. You savvy?" The two football players kept their eyes on Eric, watching to see what he would do. Thankfully, he just nodded, seeming to rethink his idea to attack me in a parking lot.

"Yeah, buddy. I can dig that." He was grinning when he said it, glancing over at me once more, and for a second, I could see so clearly how much he hated me. He wanted to kill me. It made my blood run cold for a second. Darry backed up, his arm going around my shoulders.

"Let's go, Ponyboy." He mumbled, leading me over to the truck, and standing beside the door while I climbed in like he was standing guard. The three socs remained by the mustang I'd been shoved against, watching as Darry climbed in the driver's side, in the passenger's side mirror, I watched them as we pulled away. "You alright?"

"Yeah. Fine." I mumbled, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. Darry was looking over at me, but I couldn't meet his eyes. Something was going to happen. Something bad. And I didn't know if I could do anything to stop it.


	18. Doctors

Doctors

The doctor's office was quiet, almost empty. I leaned back against the wall, while beside me, Darry flipped through a magazine too quickly to be reading it. I stared out the window, watching a woman walk by, pushing a stroller. That made me think of Sandy again, although she should have been the last thing on my mind at the moment. Where had she gone? To live with an aunt? I'd been too embarrassed and worried for Soda to really pay much attention to what Steve had been saying…when I'd asked before. I needed to talk to Johnny about that.

I couldn't imagine Sodapop getting married…having a kid. He'd have to give all his money to Sandy to take care of them, and Darry would have to pay all the bills himself…Sodapop would feel awful and Darry would be stretched too thin to cover the bills…it would have been a disaster. It was better that Sandy left. I just felt awful for Soda. He'd really loved her. I thought about Darry then…as far as I knew, he'd never had a real serious girl. He'd seen a couple in high school, but afterwards, he'd been too busy working to really see anyone…as far as I knew. Then again, I didn't know all that much about Darry, apparently. A few more years and he would be free of me…free to maybe go back to school and meet a girl. I hated thinking like that, especially now that Darry and I were getting along okay, but I wondered if he ever thought that too.

"You sure you're okay, Ponyboy?" My brother's question, spoken softly in the empty waiting room, pulled me from my thoughts and I turned to him, blinking and trying to figure out what he was talking about. He was probably asking about my side. It was all people wanted to know these days. Was I okay? Eric had shoved me pretty hard, but it hadn't made my ribs hurt much more than before. It was constant, now, the stabbing pain when I moved or breathed…I was almost used to it. The shoving had just made it flare up for a minute or two.

"I'm alright." I told him again, giving him a brief smile that did nothing to convince him if his expression was anything to go by.

"Who was that kid?" He wanted to know. He'd been strangely quiet about what had happened, so I wasn't surprised when he brought it up again.

"I think his name's Eric Jacobs. That's what Sodapop said anyway. Football team…he was friends with Bob." Darry nodded slowly, looking troubled. It wasn't fair that he had even more to worry about. "It's no big deal. He's just a soc." I told Darry, trying to downplay it. No need for my brother to know that I'd gotten at least a notebook full of papers telling me that I needed to watch my back and that I was dead. I didn't want him to be mad and I didn't want him to worry. Actually, I just wanted to go home, but I held out some hope that the doctor would be able to help me. Maybe get me some medicine that would take the edge off the constant pain.

"Just be careful." He warned for what might have been the hundredth time. "You're an easy target right now." I wanted to grumble that I was always an easy target with socs but bit my tongue. No need to start a fight with Darry. No arguing with my brothers. Wasn't that the rule? The one I'd made for myself anyway.

"How was work?" I asked abruptly, hoping to change the topic. He gave me a knowing look, but went along with it. People were usually good at talking about themselves.

"It was fine. We're behind…the socs we're working for are pissed, but we'll get it done. Pays good, that's all I care about." I thought about bringing up the fact that I could get a job…something, anything part time. But I already knew how he'd feel about that. "They got me working with a team of idiots, though." He grumbled. I smiled a bit. Darry always liked to complain about the people he got stuck with roofing.

"Push one of 'em off a roof. Maybe they'll replace him with someone better." He snorted, knocking his shoulder against mine, and I could feel him untense a little.

"You go see Soda today?"

"Yeah. Two-Bit took me and Johnny over during lunch."

"What about Steve?"

"He was off with Evie." I told him, the thought making me flinch a little. No matter what Steve had said, it still hurt, the fact that those girls thought of me as a killer. I don't know why it bugged me so much…that Steve's girlfriend thought I was a murderer. I was. I had killed someone.

Darry caught my expression, of course. Darry caught just about everything. But before he could say anything, the door across the room opened and a nurse stepped out, clipboard in hand.

"Po…Pony…boy Curtis." I sighed, rolling my eyes, and Darry smirked beside me, standing and holding out a hand. Standing was painful, of course, and I took his hand, letting him pull me up.

"It's not a hard name." I grumbled, and he chuckled as he put a hand on my shoulder, leading me toward the back of the doctor's office where the nurse waited, looking slightly abashed, probably because she'd butchered my name.

"I'm Darrell Curtis. His older brother." Darry introduced himself, and she nodded, leading us back to a room where we sat and waited again. I glanced over at Darry from where I sat in the chair beside him, hoping he wasn't upset that we'd had to wait so long. He seemed fine, though, reading the posters on the wall without much interest. Darry could sit still, same as me, even though he didn't like movies. It was Sodapop that couldn't be in one place for more than a few seconds. The posters were all for diseases I couldn't pronounce, and there was one on the opposite wall of a human skeleton. I stared at the wall beside it, hoping this wasn't going to take too long.

The doctor rapped on the door before stepping into the room, reaching out a hand and shaking Darry's when my brother stood to greet him. "Hello. I'm Doctor Jacobs." I glanced up at that, frowning a bit, and the doctor caught my eye, seeming concerned. "Everything alright, son?" He asked. I studied him for a second, then forced a smile, my stomach sinking a little.

"Um…yeah. Sorry." I mumbled. Darry looked puzzled, but I wasn't about to volunteer any information. It was probably a common name. Mine, however, was not.

"Alright." He echoed, glancing down at my chart, then pausing. "Ponyboy Curtis." He spoke softly, looking at the chart one more time, then looked up at me, his eyes a bit less warm than before. "You were on the news fairly recently, weren't you Mr. Curtis?" He remarked, gesturing for me to sit on the exam table. Darry stiffened beside me, his eyes narrowing a little. "The case of young Mr. Sheldon. Am I right?"

"Yeah." I told him, standing and stepping over the table. Before I could try and climb up on my own, Darry moved to my side, gripping my arm and helping me up. It still hurt, and I clenched my jaw, my hand closing tightly around Darry's arm. He gave me a worried look, but seemed more concerned about the doctor.

"I knew Mr. Sheldon. He was a hell of a football player." The guy told me, his tone cordial but his eyes were like ice…like I used to think Darry's were. I thought about telling Doctor Jacobs that Bob Sheldon was a hell of a football player who'd nearly killed my friend, but I figured it wouldn't do much good. Besides, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to remember that night…how I didn't care that he was dead.

Darry was watching the doctor like someone might watch a mad dog, his shoulder almost touching mine, like he was ready to jump in front of me and defend me or something. Then again, that doctor looked pretty upset. He'd known Bob…liked him, apparently. "It was self-defense," I told the doctor simply, wondering how many more times I'd have to say those words. My brother dropped a hand on my shoulder, eyes dark.

"Is that what the police decided?" The doctor asked, his eyes almost daring me to answer. Darry jumped in then, squeezing my shoulder.

"Yeah, it is. Regardless, we're not here to talk about Bob Sheldon." He all but snapped. Suddenly, something seemed to click for my brother, and he met my eyes for a second, then turned to the guy. "Jacobs…any relation to Eric Jacobs?"

"Yes. My nephew." He looked at Darry suspiciously, and I could have punched that doctor right in the face for looking at my brother like he was some kind of hood.

"We go to school together," I spoke up, wanting that doctor's attention off my brother. "I just met him yesterday." I didn't bother explaining how I'd met him. It wouldn't matter to the doctor, because to the doctor, I was just some hood too.

He hummed, nodding and placing the chart on the counter. "What can I do for you, Mr. Curtis?" He asked, drumming his fingers on his leg.

"He needs pain medicine," Darry told him, arms crossed.

"It says in your file that you were sent home from the hospital with a prescription for pain medicine." The doctor looked suspicious again.

"It made me sick."

"Have you tried over the counter medication? Apsirin?" Darry bristled beside me at the doctor's bored tone, and I would have just given up but I doubted Darry would let it go.

"Yeah. Didn't do much." I spoke before Darry got a chance to. Doctor Jacobs took a deep breath, nodding, his lips turned into a sour grimace. Finally, though, he pulled out his prescription pad and began to scribble.

"Alright. We can try a different pain medication. Take it twice a day with food. If you continue to feel sick, come back in a week and we'll see if there's another medication we can try." He held the paper out to Darry impatiently, looking like he really hoped the medicine worked and we didn't come back. "Will that be all?" I wasn't touching my brother but I could feel him tensing beside me, so I spoke before he could even open his mouth. It wouldn't be good if Darry started yelling.

"Yeah. Thanks." The doctor nodded, grabbing my chart and leaving, the door swinging shut behind him. For a moment, Darry just stared at the door, mouth open, eyes wide in almost disbelief. I don't know why he was so surprised. It wasn't like we were used to getting the friendly treatment by doctors or nurses…or anyone else. Then again, Darry hadn't ever killed anyone.

"Guess I didn't need to get on the table after all." I muttered, hoping to break the ice and starting to climb down. Thankfully Darry had the presence of mind to hold out a hand, helping me get down. His mouth opened a few times, his head shaking, and I thought he might slam a hand through the wall, but he just shook his head, putting a hand on my shoulder once more. "Hey Dar?" I asked. When he turned to me, I gave a half smile. "Maybe next time, try to find a greaser doctor?"

He snorted, rolling his eyes. "Don't know if there is such a thing, kiddo." It wasn't until we were safely in the truck and headed to the drugstore that he spoke again, the words bursting out like he'd been holding them back for too long. "I cannot believe that asshole. He's a doctor, for god's sake! Didn't check your ribs, didn't ask any questions…what kind of doctor is he!" He shouted, banging a hand on the steering wheel. For a second, I worried he'd accidently swerve into traffic, but he managed to stay in his lane.

"He knew Bob." I told him quietly, staring down at the floorboards. Darry was quiet then, probably glancing over and worrying about me, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I waited in the truck when he ran into the drugstore to drop off the prescription, then came back out, climbing in the truck and turning to me.

"It's gonna take a while. I'll take you home and pick it up later, aright?" I nodded. "You got homework?"

"Yeah. Still gotta write a paper, and got some new stuff today." He pulled out of the parking lot. "When do you gotta meet with the State."

"Tomorrow morning before work." I watched the town go by as he drove us home, feeling at a loss. I hadn't spent much time alone with Darry…not since our parents, and of what little we'd spent together, the majority had been spent fighting. I wanted to ask about Sandy, but Darry wasn't the one to ask about that. I thought about asking how work was going, but we'd already covered that. Nothing more had happened at school…well, nothing he wanted to know. Rather…nothing I wanted him to know. His plans for the rest of the day…well those included getting medicine for me, dinner, and sitting in his recliner probably. I could have asked about his friends…but we basically had the same friends. What else was there?

We pulled into the driveway and I jumped out of the truck as carefully as possible before he could come around and help like I was his prom date or something. This was embarrassing enough. The backpack hung limp in my hands as I headed into the house, Darry close behind, and I wasn't surprised to find Johnny in our living room, reading his history book. "Hey Johnny." I greeted, easing down onto the sofa and pulling out my own homework. Darry went into the kitchen after mumbling a hello to Johnny.

"Hey. How was the doctor?"

"He was Eric's uncle."

Johnny winced. "The soc?" I nodded. "Great."

"Thought Bob was a hell of a football player." He sighed.

"Did you get some better drugs at least?"

"I hope so. Darry's gonna pick em up later."

"What do you two want for dinner?" Darry called from the kitchen, poking his head in. I shrugged, turning to Johnny who looked down uncomfortably. Knowing he wasn't gonna talk, I through about what we had in our pantry. It wasn't much, unfortunately, especially if everyone came over for dinner.

"Spaghetti?" I suggested. I knew we had a couple of boxes of that left. Darry nodded, moving back into the kitchen, and I turned to Johnny. "That alright?"

"Yeah, man…you ain't gotta worry about me. You know…maybe I should get home. I shouldn't eat here every night anyway."

"Johnny Cade, you leave this house before dinner, I'll skin you. Ya year me!" Darry called, and I hid a grin, looking down at my textbook. Johnny nudged me, hard, and I fought the laugh with little success.

"I hear." He answered, sitting back and we worked on our homework in silence for a bit until Soda and Steve showed up, slamming the door behind them, Soda kicking his shoes in the middle of the living room and throwing his hat in my general direction. I dodged and it dropped behind the couch. Steve snorted, nodding to me and Johnny.

"Heard that guy cornered you in the parking lot."

"Yeah, who the hell is this guy!" Darry called from the kitchen while Soda dropped down beside me, putting a hand on my head, messing up my hair.

"Eric Jacobs. Football player." Soda told him.

"Yeah I know that." He stepped into the living room, crossing his arms. "What I want to know is, what is he doing attacking my brother in broad daylight in the school parking lot?"

"You alright?" Soda asked, lifting an eyebrow, obviously knowing that I was sick of hearing people ask me that, but needing to ask me anyway. It was how he was…I didn't mind too much.

"Fine. Darry chased em off."

"Yeah, I bet he did." He smirked at Darry, crossing his arms and sitting back.

"Pony insulted his girl. Now he's gunning for the kid." Steve told him.

"He started it." I mumbled, rolling my eyes. Darry sighed, shaking his head but not saying anything. I wasn't really someone that insulted people's girlfriends very often, so he probably figured I had a good reason.

"To be fair, he was gunning for the kid from the start." Steve allowed, dropping down onto the floor across from Sodapop, Johnny, and me. I appreciated him backing me up…I thought back to what he'd said at school then pushed the thought away. I didn't want to think about that while I was sitting in the living room with everyone. I didnt want to think about it at all.

Darry looked at me for a minute, considering but not saying anything. I knew what he was thinking. Me going back to school was looking like more and more of a bad idea, and I was just waiting for him to tell me that I had to stay home. I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea anymore…maybe it would be better. I just didn't want my brothers to think I was a coward. I kind of went back and forth on that. Sometimes I thought I wanted to go to school every day, show everyone I wasn't afraid. Other times, I thought staying home and hiding in my bedroom until I could fight for myself again sounded fantastic. I knew it probably sounded good to my brothers too.

"How'd things with doctor go?" Soda wanted to know. I flinched a bit, wishing he hadn't asked. It was too late, though. Darry had already heard.

"Asshole didn't even look at Pony. Just told him to try more pills." To be fair, more pills was what we had wanted. Soda looked at me warily but I shook my head. "Soda, can you finish dinner? I gotta run over and pick up his medicine." Our brother nodded quickly, probably anxious to ask me what was going on since Darry didn't seem to want to talk about it. Steve, too, looked intrigued.

"Yeah, no problem." Soda jumped up, gesturing for me to follow. I did, trailed by Steve and Johnny who both sat at the table when I did, Steve playing with a deck of cards and Johnny picking at his nails. "What the hell happened?" Soda asked when the front door slammed shut behind Darry.

"That doctor was Eric's uncle." I repeated for Soda and Steve, swallowing the pill Soda put in front of me with a glass of lukewarm water. "He knew Bob." Soda swore, turning angrily to me.

"What'd he say?"

"Not much." I tried. Soda didn't move, other than to stir the pasta. "Just wanted to know if I'd tried aspirin, since they sent me home with stuff from the hospital. Said Bob was a great football player."

"Asshole." Steve mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"That's about it, Soda, I swear. Once he figured out who I was, he didn't want anything to do with me."

"Did he check to see if your ribs were healing alright?"

"Nope." Soda swore again, going back to the pasta.

"Maybe we ought to try and talk to the doctor you had at the hospital. Least he didn't seem like a soc." I shook my head. That sounded expensive.

"Nah. I'm fine, Soda. I don't need to see another doctor." He glanced over at me, tight-lipped, but didn't argue. He didn't agree neither, which bugged me. I hoped he didn't bring that idea up with Darry. Hoping to distract him, I changed the subject. "Did Randy hang around the DX again today?"

"Yeah, he came by after school," Steve told us, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.

I turned back to Soda. "Didn't you fix his car?"

"I'm still working on it." My brother grumbled. Steve grinned but didn't contribute anything else. I lifted an eyebrow at him, and Steve double-checked to make sure Soda wasn't looking before leaning in.

"He doesn't know what's the matter with it." He whispered, and Soda whipped around, throwing a dishtowel at his friend.

"Yes, I do! Its just going to take a couple of days to fix it." Steve shook his head, making Johnny choke back a laugh.

"I could take a look at it," Steve suggested with the air of someone who had suggested the same thing at least twenty times. Soda muttered under his breath, but I couldn't make out any of his words. I had a good idea, though, and I smiled down at the table.

Darry got home just as dinner was finished cooking, Soda setting the table. Since there were just five of us, we sat in the kitchen, me picking at my pasta and glancing every few seconds at the pill bottle by my plate. Darry had sat them down in front of me, ruffling my hair and warning me not to drive after taken them. I'd rolled my eyes swatting at his hand and missing, but I really did have to take them with food, so I picked at my dinner. Thanks to the constant pain in my side, I didn't have much of an appetite lately. Or maybe it was something else…either way, I'd been just pushing food around my plate for a few days, since getting back from the hospital, and I think Darry was starting to worry, so I tried to eat more.

"You finish your homework?" Darry asked, looking up at me and Johnny. I shook my head.

"Not all of it." I told him, taking a bite of spaghetti, even though I wasn't really hungry.

"Teachers giving you a hard time?"

"Nah. They haven't said anything." I didn't know if I should tell him that I didn't know if I could catch up or not. Maybe later, I decided, after I took the pain pills…one issue at a time. Surprisingly he didn't say anything about the homework, so that was good at least.

After dinner, Sodapop did the dishes, Steve leaning back in his chair. "You two going out?" I asked Steve, hoping he knew I didn't want to come. He gave me a look like he was gonna say something smart, but just nodded. I guess old habits died hard.

"Yeah. Tim Shephard's having a poker game." He told me. Darry glanced over at us, frowning a little, but I didn't know if he was upset at the thought of Soda going to one of Tim's poker games or if he was surprised that Steve and I seemed to be getting along. Soda glanced back at us too as he was finishing the last plate, but didn't comment on it, just crossed his arms.

"We'll be back late, Dar." He told our brother, stopping to ruffle my hair. "See you in the morning, kiddo."

"You two, be careful," Darry called, waving, and Johnny stood too, heading into the living room and leaving me alone with my brother. Darry watched me for a second, looking torn, then pushed the pill bottle over to me. "You'd better go ahead and take one, kiddo." I nodded but didn't move. "If they make you sick, you can stay home tomorrow, okay?"

I did everything I could to push Johnny out of my mind. This wasn't the time. I didn't want to thin about the fire. I hadn't even taken anything. It would be different, I told myself. Besides, I didn't have a choice. Darry had gone out and bought this stuff, and I was going to take it. Reaching out, I dumped one of the pills into my hand and dropped it into my mouth, swallowing it dry. Standing abruptly, I replaced the cap, ignoring how worried Darry looked when he looked at me.

"I'm gonna go finish my homework."

"Yeah, alright, Pony." He agreed softly, nodding a little, and I felt his eyes on me as I headed into the living room and sat down next to Johnny. Opening my history book is the last thing I remember…the next think I knew, Darry was shaking my shoulder, and I heard Johnny talking.

"Man, he just passed out. He's been real quiet…I was just doing homework." Johnny sounded worried, which was odd. I felt fine. I tried to smile, to let him know I was okay, but my face didn't really wanna work.

"Ponyboy? You okay?" I felt a hand on my face, tapping my cheek gently, and two fingers pressed against my throat. "I think it's just the pills…we might have to cut them in half. I think they might be too strong for him. Ponyboy?" He tried again.

"Hey, Darry." I mumbled, trying to lift a hand to wave but it wouldn't cooperate.

"Let's get you to bed, kiddo. C'mon." He grunted a little, lifting me, and I dropped my head against his shoulder, my head swimming tiredly.

"Quit…Y'r mak'n me dizz." I wondered why my words were coming out right, but didn't really care enough to figure it out. Man I was tired…more tired than I could ever remember being. He chuckled a little, and I felt myself drop onto the bed, the covers pulled up around me. Gosh that felt good…but I needed to tell Darry something. "Don get ma." I mumbled, catching Darry's arm. He paused, but my eyes were closed so I couldn't see his face.

"Why would I get mad, Pony?" He asked quietly, sounding both worried and suspicious.

"Don think I can…catch up. School. Sor…" My words trailed off, but I think he got the point. His hand caught mine, squeezing firmly.

"Yeah, I know, kiddo. It's alright. Just do the best you can, okay? Now get some sleep." I might have fallen asleep again...I probably did, but then Soda was shaking me, and I was real irritated because for once I hadn't been dreaming. The thought of dreaming in my drug-induced haze, however, made me think of Johnny and fire.

"Glory, Darry, is he okay? I thought he was dead! Hey…Pony? You okay?" Soda sounded tired and he smelled like a cigarette. Apparently, my filter was broken, because I breathed in deep and smiled a little.

"You smell good, S'da," I mumbled, and I heard him chuckle weakly.

"I smell like an ashtray." He corrected me, and I felt him sit down. "I mean it, Dar. I tried moving him and everything…he didn't even flinch." I wondered why he was talking to Darry about me but gave up on that train of thought, and I didn't wake up again until the fire came.

Maybe it was the smell of smoke on Soda's clothes…he hadn't changed before bed, or maybe he had, but the smell clung to his skin. Rather than reminding me of how much I missed nicotine, it reminded me of fire. I gasped when I woke up, pushing away from him, choking on my own spit in my haste to get away, and Soda jerked awake when I started hacking. "Pony? Pony, you okay?" He asked, sounding sleepy, and I wondered what time it was. But I couldn't ask, because my lungs were trying to eject themselves from my body. He sat up, reaching back around me and pulling me up to sit beside him. Gently, he patted me on the back, and I slumped against him, blinking tiredly into the dark.

My head still felt foggy, and I felt my eyes burn, a surefire sign I was crying. The sob built up in my throat, and I was forced to remember again. Johnny. Fire. Every night, it seemed, this was going to come back to haunt me. Would it ever fade? "Honey? What's wrong?" Soda asked softly, still rubbing my back and sounding kind of scared. I shook my head, too tired to try and come up with a lie. I just wanted to sleep.

"The fire," I whispered, sobbing the word.

"What? What fire?" He asked, sounding alarmed.

"I can't get out…Johnny's gonna die. I don't wanna go back. I…I killed someone so Johnny wouldn't have to die…please don't make me go back." I wasn't really talking to Soda…I was talking to whoever had done this, to whoever had given me this chance that it seemed I was screwing up left and right. "Please, please don't make me go back to the fire."

"Pony, honey, there's no fire. It was a dream, kiddo." Soda was trying to reassure me, his arms around me as he held me tight. I can't remember if my ribs hurt, but I felt like I was in a haze.

"No…it wasn't a dream. He died. In the fire, he died…and Dally…he was gonna die, Soda. And I said I'd do anything!" I sobbed into his shoulder, gripping his shirt that smelled like fire. "I said I'd give anything!"

"Glory, kiddo…" He mumbled, rubbing my back and rocking me a little, just like our mom used to. No one could make me feel safe like my brother. Laying back a little, he reclined on the pillows, leading me to do the same, my head against his chest as I listened to his heart beat. "Shhh…it's alright. It was a dream, I swear, Pony. Johnny's okay. He's asleep on the couch. There wasn't a fire. Alright?" He may have said something else, but I was too wrung out to answer, so I let my eye close, praying I wouldn't dream about the fire again. I didn't want to remember anymore, but it seemed like this was my anything.


	19. Darry's Worry

Darry's Worry

I was twelve when Ponyboy started school. Dad had sat me down, real serious at the kitchen table, while our Mom had helped him get ready for his first day. They both had to work, our mom at the office and our dad at the construction company, so it was my responsibility to get both my little brothers to school. Since our school went up to sixth grade, and I was only in fifth, for another two years, we'd all be together.

"Darry, you're in charge, okay? Make sure you hold his hand, both of them. Take Ponyboy to his first class. You know where it is?"

"Yes." I'd answered, just as serious as he was. I knew, even then, that Ponyboy was different than my other little brother. He was small…smaller than Soda had ever been, it seemed. It wasn't just that, though. He wasn't like our friends. He was quiet. Our mom called him a dreamer, like it was just a quirk of his, but our dad worried about him, especially in our neighborhood. It wasn't all that uncommon for kids to get jumped, and more than once I'd heard our dad telling our mom that if he didn't get his head out of the clouds, he could get hurt. I didn't want my little brother to get hurt.

Only a week before, he'd nearly wandered into the road, chasing after a rabbit, only stopped when Two-Bit had grabbed him by the arm, yanking him back. My kid brother spent most of his time in the corners or on the sofa, solemnly reading one of his picture books, or pretending to, or tagging along with Sodapop. "I mean it, Darry. Hold his hand until you get his classroom."

"I will." I'd promised, both of us looking over when Ponyboy and Sodapop emerged from the bedroom. Pony had looked solemn and didn't say anything as Mom put his backpack on for him. Sodapop had practically bounced in place beside me. At eight years old, he had always been moving, practically the exact opposite of Ponyboy, but the two of them were close, with Pony following our brother everywhere he was allowed. Steve hadn't liked it, even back then, but Sodapop always loved Ponyboy so he was happy to have him. "Come on, Ponyboy." I'd called, holding out my hand, and, ever trusting, my little brother had put his hand in mine, looking up at me with those big green eyes and a half smile.

"Darry, take care of your brothers!" It was the last thing my dad had called to me.

All the way to school, I'd gripped his hand almost too tightly, Sodapop trailing behind with Steve who'd made some smart remark about Pony and almost immediately Sodapop had jumped to defend him. Ponyboy had trotted along beside me, clutching my hand, and I'd known then that he was nervous. It's the first time I remember being truly worried about Ponyboy. At his classroom, he'd almost refused to let go, his eyes getting wet as he'd stared up at me, silently begging me not to leave.

"I'll come find you after school, Pony. Promise." I'd told him, and then he'd thrown his arms around me, embarrassed to be crying but crying nonetheless. Patting his back, I'd fought the urge to just push him off. It wasn't cool to hug your little brother at school, but no one I knew was around, and besides, I was in charge of making sure my little brother was okay. "Come on, Pony." I'd put my hands on his shoulders then, grinning down at him. "It'll be fine. It's just for a few hours. I'll come find you as soon as school is over, okay?" He'd nodded then, I guess knowing he had no choice, and as he'd walked away, the worry had started. As far as I can remember, it had never really stopped.

The night our parents had died, they'd said it again. Ponyboy had been in his bedroom, probably reading, and Soda had been out with Steve. "We'll be back in a few hours."

"Have fun." I'd called, glancing up from the TV.

"Dinner's in the fridge, just heat it up. Make sure Ponyboy eats, will you? Sodapop should be home in an hour or two."

"Mhm." I'd answered my mom. She'd leaned down, kissing my cheek, and then my dad had turned to me, right outside the door.

"Darry, take care of your brothers, okay?" Something in his tone had made me look up, and I'd met my father's eyes for the last time.

"Yeah. I will."

Then, just a few weeks ago, I'd heard my brother yelling for me. For all of us. Ever since our parents died, the worry had been worse. Ponyboy didn't pay attention. He always had his head in the clouds. He didn't carry a blade. I worried all the time…worried he'd get jumped and no one would get there in time to help. Worried he'd be reading a book and walk into traffic or forget a jacket and get pneumonia. So in addition to bills and work, I worried about my sullen teenage little brother who, it seemed, resented me more and more every day.

As soon as I heard him yell, I'd dropped the beer I'd been drinking on the porch, ignoring the way it sprayed on my leg and taking off toward his voice, meeting Sodapop and Steve on the way. Johnny and Dally had come from the other direction, but Two-Bit had been the first to the scene, grabbing the soc sitting on top of my little brother by the hair and slugging him one good. Soda had been next, and then the rest of us had been on them.

But I'd only gotten one punch in before glancing down at my little brother who lay with his eyes closed on the sidewalk, and my heart had nearly stopped. No. It was the only word that came to mind as I'd reached down, hauling him to his feet, unable to ignore the bloody cut on his throat. He was breathing though…I could tell as I shook him, calling out to him desperately. He'd told me to stop, and I had, immediately scared that I'd hurt him, but all I could think was that a few more inches, and they could have killed him. They could have cut his throat…my brother could have died. Sodapop had pushed me aside when Pony had sat down hard on the corner, putting his hand on his shoulder and calming him down, and I'd rocked back on my heels, thanking God that my baby brother was oaky and trying not to resent Soda for being the one that could always calm him down.

And that worry, that worry that never stopped, had translated into me snapping at him, telling him he should have been carrying a blade, which was true, that he always had his head in the clouds, which was also true…still, Sodapop had taken up for him as always, making me both resentful and a little sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Pony's feelings. I didn't mean to yell at him so much. But I was so worried. Because what if something like this happened and none of us were around? What if someone hurt my little brother and I wasn't there to stop them?

Then I'd hit him. The kid had come home, no jacket, no call, at two a.m. I'd been about to call the police, only waiting so long because the second I reported him missing, he'd be lost to me. Surely they'd take him away. They'd take my little brother and put him in a boy's home and I'd never see him again. I couldn't take that. But then he'd come in, and all Soda had said was 'hey, where ya been, kiddo?' but I couldn't have left it at that! What if something had happened to him? I'd had no idea where he was, if he was hurt or lost or some soc had gotten to him…and so I'd yelled at him.

I guess my mistake had been yelling at Sodapop. Soda was always sticking up for Pony, and I never understood how he couldn't understand. How couldn't get it? How couldn't he understand that Ponyboy was in danger? How couldn't he get that I was in charge, that I had to make sure Ponyboy was safe. So I'd yelled at Soda, and that had set Pony off. Usually, Ponyboy just listened when I yelled, scowling and keeping his mouth shut, his resentment almost palpable. But this time, he'd snapped, stepping up and yelling at me, telling me not to yell at Soda.

The rest of that conversation was etched in my brain forever. Sodapop, eyes wide, taken aback. Pony usually didn't yell like that. He was the quiet one. Soda had reached a hand out, probably about to make peace, or attempt it. But I'd seen red, wheeling around, my hand drawn back before I could think about what I was doing. I had been so tired…I hadn't slept in what felt like days and the bills were do and my ungrateful little brother was yelling at me. I could never forget the sting when the back of my hand had hit his face. The way his eyes had screwed shut, the sound it had made when he'd hit the front door, his head knocking back against the wood. And I'd felt frozen, every drop of my blood turning to ice.

For just a second, my little brother had looked up at me the way he'd look at a soc, eyes huge and scared, face pale except for the harsh red mark on his cheek. I still had nightmares about that sometimes. I'd glanced back at Sodapop, hands shaking, to find my little brother staring at me with a look of horror and fear like I'd never seen on his face. His mouth had dropped open, head shaking as he'd started to take a step toward our little brother. "Ponyboy." It took more effort than anything in my life ever had to make my mouth work with my baby brother looking up at me like that. His terror turned to disbelief as I started to reach out. "Ponyboy I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." And then he'd turned, slamming the screen door behind him, then scrambling to open our gate as he'd taken off down the street. "Ponyboy I didn't mean to!" I'd screamed it down the street.

Sodapop had just stared at me, the disappointment rolling off him in waves as he'd shaken his head. "Sodapop, I didn't..."

"Don't." He'd snapped, shaking his head and taking a step away from me, then hurrying into their bedroom, the door slamming behind him. A few minutes later, he'd emerged, fully dressed. "I'm gonna go look for him." He'd growled at me. "See if I can find the guys. Maybe he went to one of them." And for the second time that night, the front door had been slammed shut by one of my brothers, anxious to get away from me.

When Ponyboy had come through that front door not a full hour later, he'd been wearing only a jacket that wasn't his, eyes wide and vacant as they'd meet mine. And when he'd started crying…I'd thought he was still hurt about our fight. I'd probably hugged him too tight, anxious to reassure him that I was sorry, that I'd never wanted to hurt him. But that wasn't it…my little brother had killed someone. My little brother had stabbed someone, and he had been covered in bruises, and then at the police station…he'd stopped breathing.

I didn't know if I could ever forget that part…I'd knelt in front of him, holding him up, trying to comfort him when Sodapop was always the one to do that. I would always remember his eyes rolling back, his body going limp…how I'd almost been too surprised to catch him. It was my fault. That was all I could think while I sat in the ambulance, surrounded by medical equipment that wasn't helping my brother breathe, and two paramedics who were trying to save him…trying to get him breathing again. His heart had almost stopped. It hadn't…not entirely, but the beeping of the little monitor beside the paramedic who was obviously in charge had gotten few and far between as my brother's mouth had dropped open, his eyes screwed up in pain as he'd tried so hard to breathe, even though he was unconscious.

His chest had hitched a few times, and they'd put that mask over his mouth and nose, but it hadn't helped much. I'd held his hand, squeezing every time he screwed up his face like that…every time he showed how much it was hurting him. He'd slept for hours against my chest, huddled under my arm in that police station, my jacket around him the only thing protecting him from the cold of the police station. I wished I had though to bring him a shirt. They'd taken my jacket off of him at the police station when they'd moved him to the stretcher that would take him to the ambulance.

Dally had caught my arm as I'd gone by…apparently, they'd uncuffed him. I'd wondered how they'd justified cuffing him in the first place. "I'll call Sodapop. Just go with the kid." He'd told me, and I'd nodded, ignoring how hot my eyes were…how it was a struggle just to stay upright.

"Okay…thanks, Dal."

"Yeah, man." He'd answered, his standard response. But I appreciated it, more than I could ever say. He knew, though. I'd try to pay him back for this, once Ponyboy was okay again. Once my little brother no longer had to walk carefully, keeping an eye out to make sure no one bumped into him.

I'd hoped that the new medicine would help with that. I hated seeing Pony like this, always wincing and flinching away from people like they were gonna hit him, even the gang. And the way he acted with me…we had gotten along real well since he'd gotten home from the hospital, but I was worried that it was just because he was scared of me. Every once in a while he'd get this look on his face, far off and scared…and he wouldn't argue with me anymore. It was dumb, but I just wanted my kid brother to argue with something I said. And every time he seemed to start to, he'd shut down, just like that, mumbling an apology or cutting himself off, agreeing with whatever it was I said. I hated it. I hated the thought that Ponyboy was scared of me.

Pony had been wary about taking the new medicine, but he'd taken it because I'd asked him to. Half an hour later, I'd been in the kitchen when Johnny had called for me, sounding kind of worried, and immediately alarm bells had gone off in my head. I'd been out of my chair and in the doorway in a second, then at my little brother's side immediately. "Man, he just passed out. He's been real quiet…I was just doing homework." Johnny had told me nervously, his books on the floor as he'd touched his friend's shoulder, and I'd pressed my finger's against my brother's throat, feeling for a pulse before I'd let myself start to really panic. His heart was beating, and I released a breath, touching my brother's cheek, calling out to him.

"Hey, Darry." His eyes had barely opened, one half of his mouth coming up in a dopey smile, and I'd exhaled in relief, reaching out and picking him up. He'd dropped his head against my chest, closing his eyes once more. "Quit. You're making me dizzy." He'd slurred, and I'd resolved again to cut those pills in half. They were too strong for him…I'd doubted he'd be able to school the next day. Kid was out of it. Smiling a little at my drugged brother, I'd dropped him in his bed, pulling the covers up to his shoulders and getting ready to leave, but he'd grabbed my arm, reaching out blindly and finding me in the dark. "Don't get mad." He'd slurred, and the pleading in his voice had broken my heart. More than anything, it seemed Ponyboy was afraid of making me mad these days.

"Why would I get mad, Pony?" I'd asked, worried about what it was he wanted to tell me.

"Don think I can catch up." He had mumbled, frowning in the dark. "School. Sorry." He'd clarified after a second, his head turning to the side, his jaw clenched. I'd caught his hand, squeezing, and taking a deep breath before answering.

"Yeah, I know, kiddo. It's alright. Just do the best you can, okay? Now get some sleep." I'd urged, squeezing his hand before letting go. He had been exhausted, and it seemed he immediately fell asleep.

I'd shut the door behind me, leaving him to sleep off the drugs, and had found Johnny still sat on the sofa, looking up at me, obviously worried. "He alright?" He'd asked, hands clasped in his lap.

"Yeah, Johnnycakes. He's fine." I'd told him, stopping by his side and ruffling his hair. "I'm gonna head to bed, kiddo. Sleep on the sofa tonight. It's too cold to sleep outside." He'd started to argue, but I'd shaken my head. "Sleep on the couch. I don't want you walking around alone at night with the socs out for us."

"I ain't scared of them. Besides, I slept here last night, Darry." He'd reminded me. I'd shrugged.

"So. One more night ain't gonna hurt. Alright?" He'd hesitated, then nodded like I'd hoped. "I don't think Pony's gonna get up for school tomorrow, but Steve'll be here to give Soda a ride, so you can still get a ride to school." I'd headed to bed then, not waking until Soda had started shouting my name, sounding terrified. Ripped from sleep, I'd jumped up, practically falling out of bed in my race to get to my little brother's room. On the sofa, Johnny had been sitting up, looking alarmed.

"Darry! Something's wrong with Ponyboy!" He'd called as I'd stood in the doorway, blinking and looking around but all I'd seen was Pony, his head on Soda's pillow and his arms spread out over the bed. "He won't wake up, Dar." Soda's voice was panicked as he shook our brother's shoulder. "I half picked him up, and he didn't even flinch." I'd hurried over, putting a hand on Soda's shoulder. He looked exhausted, and I wondered briefly what time it was.

"He took those pain meds. I think they were just too strong for him." I had tried to reassure Soda as he shook our little brother. For a second, I had worried too…Pony hadn't even seemed to register the shaking that usually would have pulled at his ribs. Finally, though, he'd frowned in his sleep, grunting and trying to jerk away from Sodapop.

Soda had shaken his head, turning to me. "Glory, Darry, is he okay? I thought he was dead!"

"I think we need to cut those pills in half…they're too strong. No way he'll be able to go to school taking these." I'd told him, reminding myself to tell Pony. Knowing my kid brother, if he was in pain, he might take two of those pills, thinking they were like Aspirin and that more would be better. I shuddered to think of the consequences of that. If one pill did this to him, two might kill him or put him in a coma. I thought back to that doctor, then pushed the thought away. No way.

"Hey…Pony? You okay?" Soda had asked our barely awake brother as Pony had opened his eyes just a little, then closed them, dropping on the pillow. He smiled a little then, taking a deep breath.

"You smell good, Soda." Pony had mumbled and I'd snorted a little, watching as Soda rolled his eyes but smiled in relief. He'd heard our brother's voice and was calming down a little.

"I smell like an ashtray." He'd corrected our brother, sitting on the bed and touching his hair. Taking a deep breath, he'd turned to me, relief obvious in his face. "I mean it, Dar. I tried moving him and everything…he didn't even flinch." Beside him, our brother had already been asleep once more. Moving over to the other side of the bed, I'd lifted our brother carefully, moving him back to his own side of the bed, giving Soda room to lay down.

"You could always sleep in your own bed." I'd reminded him, tucking the covers around our little brother.

"Nah, it's not that." He'd dismissed me, as I'd known he would. After losing our parents, the two had needed each other…needed to be close. Pony's nightmares had given them an excuse to share a bed like they had when they were real little, and sometimes, after waking up in the middle of the night from a dream about our parents, I'd be temped to go in their room and join them…to feel someone with me. There wasn't enough room, though, and besides, they didn't need to see me breaking down like that…they relied on me to be strong all the time. Especially Pony. "It just freaked me out…sorry for waking you."

"Don't be sorry, little buddy." I'd tried to reassure him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I want you to wake me if you think something's wrong."

"Do you think the doctor did it on purpose?" He'd asked then, his voice barely above a bewildered whisper. I'd clenched my jaw, hating that he even had to ask that. That doctor had really seemed to hate my kid brother, but even if he had…would he really have taken a risk like that? Maybe he'd just been careless? It wasn't like he'd paid close attention to Ponyboy's height and weight…maybe he could have just assumed the pills would be fine, which was bad, but not as bad as actively trying to hurt my brother.

"I don't know, Sodapop." I'd told him, squeezing his shoulder, then stepping away. "I'm gonna go back to bed. Try and get some sleep, alright?"

Now I was feeling the effects of so little sleep, my eyes threatening to close as I saw in the office, waiting for the secretary to tell me that our social worker would see me. Or a social worker. I didn't know why that guy had come to our house before, and I wondered what had happened to our social worker. I needed a nap…maybe after work I could just crash. Back in high school when I'd gotten a part time job, and ever when I'd been trying to save up for college, I'd skipped out on work once or twice when I was feeling this worn out, but now, with two kid brothers relying on me, we needed the money too much.

"Mr. Curtis?" I glanced up, torn from my half-sleep, and stood, nodding to the man that stood by the receptionist's desk, hand out as he met me halfway.

"Call me Darrel," I told him, shaking his hand. I hoped I looked professional…like an adult that could take care of two little brothers. Like a grown up that was responsible enough to keep a job and keep my family fed and look out for my friends. I hoped I didn't look like a twenty-year-old kid who'd just lost his parents and was desperately trying to figure out how to raise two teenagers.

In a daze, I'd wondered back to bed, hoping that I was right…that Pony was fine and that cutting some pills in half was going to solve everything. Soda had been freaked out, but things were going to be okay. The socs…well we'd deal with them. Pony never went anywhere alone…I was trying to make sure of that. And Ponyboy and I were finally getting along better…then again, that could be because he was afraid I was going to hit him again. That thought made me flinch a little as I followed the social worker back to his office.

That morning, I'd dragged myself out of bed, groaning at the alarm and fighting the urge to throw it against the wall. I could hear the shower running and figured Sodapop was up. Yanking a button up shirt over my head and a nice pair of jeans, and grabbing some work clothes to wear later, I'd headed into the kitchen to grab some coffee, but had paused in the living room where Johnny had been tossing and turning on the couch, his mouth turned down in a frown, tears leaking from his eyes. "Johnny?" I'd asked, my voice gentle as I'd moved to his side. "Johnnycakes?"

"Fire." He'd mumbled, turning over. "Ponyboy, get out!" He'd called then, shoving a blanket off of him.

"Johnnycakes, hey…" I'd knelt down beside him, touching his shoulder.

"Ponyboy, get out! The church…it's on fire!" He'd screamed then, and reaching down, I'd grabbed him by the shoulders, my stomach in knots. The fire…Pony had dreamed it too. What was that supposed to mean?

I'd gotten him to wake up only a few seconds later, and he'd apologized, which I'd brushed off. "You up to going to school?"

"Yeah." He'd mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Can I take a shower?"

"Sure, kiddo. Soda's in there now."

Soda had come out of the shower as I'd started the coffee pot, nodding a good morning to Johnny before joining me in the kitchen, a towel around his waist. "Was Johnny yelling?" He'd asked as Johnny had headed into the bathroom.

"Nightmare." I'd mumbled, drumming my fingers on the counter. "How's Pony?"

"I tried to wake him up…nothing. He's out." Soda had shaken his head, obviously worried.

"I'm gonna call Two-Bit, see if he'll stop by and check on him." I'd told him, and when the guys had stopped by, Two-Bit had come inside, parking it on the couch just as Johnny and Sodapop were finishing breakfast.

"Go to school, Johnnycakes. I'll stay with the kid." Turning to me, he'd lifted an eyebrow. "He still out?"

"Yeah." Soda had put in, swallowing his last bite of breakfast. "I couldn't wake him."

Before leaving, I'd gone into their bedroom, leaning down and touching his shoulder over the covers right as Soda, Steve, and Johnny were pulling out of the driveway. "Kiddo? You awake?"

"Hmm?" Pony had murmured, not moving. At least he was breathing. I would have to tell Two-Bit not to let him give Ponyboy a full pill when he woke up. On the plus side, I didn't think he was in any pain.

"How do you feel, Pony?" I'd asked, ruffling his hair. He'd scrunched up his face a little.

"Fine…time is it?"

"Don't worry about it, kiddo. Get some more sleep."

"School?"

"Not today, Ponyboy." I'd reassured him, squeezing his shoulder and smiling a little. "Just get some sleep. Those pills were pretty strong." Instantly he'd been asleep again, and I'd left him to it, reminding Two-bit on my way out not to give him any more pills until I got home.

"You got it, muscles. I'll take care of the kid, don't worry."

"Thanks, Two." He'd given a half-heated wave as I'd headed out the door, already watching cartoons from the sofa, a beer in one hand, some cake in the other. I was confident that Pony would be fine.

"Thank you for coming in today, Darrel. I'm Adam Summers." The social worker reintroduced himself, sitting behind his desk and gesturing for me to take a seat.

"Of course. What can I do for you, Mr. Summers?" I didn't remind him that we'd met only a few days ago.

"I need to speak to you about your brothers. It looks like you were granted custody of Ponyboy and Sodapop less than a year ago…" He glanced up from the paper he'd been staring at, clasping his hands together and leaning over the desk. "How is that going, Darrel?" Frowning a little and tensing, I leaned forward, my arms crossed.

"It's…going well." I told him carefully, choosing my words with caution. "Ponyboy is still recovering from the surgery, but he's feeling better."

"He told the lawyer that he ran off that night because you got in a fight…can you tell me about that night?" Hackles up, I put my hands in my lap.

"Ponyboy was out late and we were worried. When he got home…I yelled at him. We got into an argument. I…I should have just let it go." I admitted. "Spoken to him about it later. But I yelled at him and he ran off. Soda went after him to try and find him. I stayed at the house in case he came back." Adam nodded, glancing back down at his papers.

"How has school been for him?" He wanted to know. I wondered what he was getting at…my brother's grades or if he trusted me enough to talk to me.

"He's having a hard time catching up. We had to get him some new pain medicine yesterday. The other stuff was making him sick." Mr. Summers wrote something in his file.

"Your brother was pretty adamant that you'd never hurt him, Darrel. That speaks highly of you." He clasped his hands on his desk once more. "I don't want to separate your family. I don't want to take two kids from their brother, especially when they have a network of friends looking out for them and a big brother who has given up quite a bit to take care of them." I froze, not sure how much I should get my hopes up. "Your usual social worker will continue to check up on you. Probably more than usual. More surprise visits for a while." I nodded, feeling my chest loosen a little. If they were going to be checking up on us…they weren't going to take my brothers.

"Ponyboy acted in self-defense, according to the police, and we believe them. Your brother has no history of violence, an excellent record in school, up until very recently, and he's on the track team…one of the best on his team, in fact. He's a smart kid. I think you are doing a good job with your brothers, Darrel, and I urge you to continue the way you are. After a few months, things will most likely go back to normal with the usual end of the month visits. Any questions?" I bit the inside of my lip, hard, nodding and fighting the urge to get emotional in front of this guy I didn't even know.

"No…thank you." I stood, reaching out and gripping his hand firmly, hoping he knew how much I appreciated the fact that someone was finally on our side. "I…thank you, Mr. Summers."

"Call me Adam. And you're welcome, Darrel. Call me if you need anything, of if you have any questions."

Smiling for what felt like the first time in a long time, I squeezed his hand once more. "I will, thank you."


	20. Dozing

Dozing

"Shoot kid, you still sleeping?" Whoever was talking to me sounded pretty worried. Was I still sleeping? It felt like it. I mumbled, nodding and trying to find the blankets to pull over my head. I wasn't sleepy, exactly, but the thought of moving was too impossible to consider. "C'mon kid. Your brother told me to stay here with ya, but it's awful boring if you're just gonna sleep." The person teased. I blinked a few times, trying to shake off the sleep. I had been…studying? Maybe. Or doing homework? "Time to get up, kiddo." Someone shook me a little, a hand on my shoulder, and I turned my head, realizing slowly that I was lying on my stomach, my face in the pillow.

"Wha? Time is it?" I mumbled, blinking up at Two-Bit who was standing over me. Why wasn't Two-Bit at school?

"A little past noon. Soda called and asked how you were doing…I told him you were still out and he said to try and wake you up. You gotta eat something." I closed my eyes again, not liking the sound of that, but he shook my shoulder again. "Up and at em, Pony. C'mon." Groaning, I rolled over on my side, and he put a hand on my arm, helping me sit up. I pressed a hand to my side, grimacing and sitting still for a second. "You okay?" Ugh. I hated that question. Groggy, I focused on staying upright.

"Yeah…it's noon? I thought…" I scratched my head, looking up at him in confusion and trailing off. "Wait…what day is it?" He laughed a little, but he didn't really look amused.

"Wednesday. You went to the doctor yesterday and apparently those pills they gave you were for a horse or something, cause they knocked you right out. Come one." He held out a hand, and I let him pull me up. "Freaked your brothers out, kid. Me too." He put an arm around my shoulder, leading me into the other room and letting me drop into a chair at the kitchen table.

"When did I fall asleep?" I wondered. Two-Bit shrugged.

"Darry said it was sometime after Soda left last night. What do you want to eat?" It was my turn to shrug tiredly, still trying to come to terms with the fact that it was already the middle of…the net day. "Sandwich sound okay?"

"Yeah." I leaned against the back of the chair, wiping my eyes and trying to focus.

"How's the side?"

"Hurts." I told him shortly

"Darry said not to give you any more pain pills until he got home, but you can have some aspirin." I nodded, trying to keep up. He ruffled my hair, putting a plate in front of me…a baloney sandwich. I clenched my jaw, shaking my head and turning away. "What's the matter?"

"I hate baloney." I mumbled, blinking a few times and trying to clear my head.

"What? Since when?"

"The church…it's all we ate."  
"What?" I froze then, belatedly realizing what I'd just said. I stared at the sandwich, swallowing hard. It was true, I hated baloney. But the church…that hadn't happened. None of it had happened. "What are you talking about, kiddo?" He asked, dropping hand on my shoulder, his voice softer now, concerned.

"I…uh…I thought…maybe I dreamed that we…we were…" I put a hand on my head like I was tying to think, hoping he bought it. "I don't know…"  
"Hey, don't worry about it Ponyboy. You want a ham sandwich? I think you guys got some."

"I can make it." I felt bad, since he'd gone through the trouble of making me something to eat already. He shook his head though, grabbing the baloney sandwich, taking a bite as he headed back over to the fridge.  
"I got it. Those pills probably gave you some weird dreams." He dismissed my earlier statement, and I was glad it wasn't Darry or Johnny here with me…they'd never have believed that.

I needed to wake up, before I said something stupid. Something else stupid. Or better yet, I should just keep my mouth shut. "I should have gone to school." I told him. He brought another plate in, setting it in front of me along with a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water.

"Kid, you were out of it. I think you still are. No way you could learn anything in class today." He sat across from me at the table, munching on his baloney sandwich while I picked at my own. "Eat. If your brother calls again, and he will, probably in the next ten minutes, and you still haven't eaten anything, he'll probably come over here and shove it in your mouth himself." I wasn't sure which brother he was talking about, but I nodded, taking a bite. "I need to dump water on your head or something?"

"Please don't." I mumbled, taking another bite.

"I can't believe that doctor gave you pills that strong." He grumbled, shaking his head. I gave him a look.

"Probably did it on purpose." Two-Bit paused, staring up at me for a moment, then shaking his head, looking serious. "He's Eric's uncle. The soc that you were on yesterday."

"Yeah, I remember him." Two-Bit stared at his sandwich.

"Recognized me as soon as he came in the room. Said Bob was a hell of a football player."  
"Yeah. You tell him Bob was a hell of an asshole too?" I smiled a little.

"Thought about it."

"Probably best you didn't. Bet Darry was mad."

"Yeah."

"Darry said not to take anymore of those pills until he gets home. I think he's gonna try and cut them in half, see if that works." I nodded.

"Think he really did it on purpose?" I asked, real quiet. He shook his head.

"Don't say that kid." He reprimanded, kicking me under the table and pointing. "Finish your sandwich. You probably got homework to finish too, don'tcha?"

"Yeah."

"Try to wake up. Finish your homework and we'll go see your brother. He's real worried about cha."  
"I got two brothers." He snorted.

"Glad you remember that. We'll go see Sodapop. Darry's worried too, but taking you up on a roof would probably just make him madder."

He dropped my backpack on the kitchen table and I tried to focus for long enough to do some homework, sitting for about an hour and managing to finish the math problems. I had that English paper too, but there was no way that was getting done. I was gonna need some more sleep before I attempted that. I still had no idea what I was going to write about, and I hoped Darry had talked to the school about getting me an extension on the work.

I asked Two-Bit if he wanted to check my work and he snorted, reminding me that he wasn't Darry. "Shoot kid, you're better at math than I am. Come on. Let's go see your brother."

Two-Bit's car was still in the shop so we walked, him glancing over at me every few minutes as we crossed the road and headed toward the DX. I felt kind of like I had when I'd been taken those other pain pills but I was finally coming out of it. My brain felt sluggish, though, and it was weird that it was already almost two in the afternoon…I'd missed most of the day. And it was Wednesday. "Wait…" I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and Two-Bit paused beside me, looking worried. "Darry had to meet with the State today!"

"Yeah. He went." Two-Bit told me, walking once more. I caught up with him.

"But has he called?"

"Yeah."

"Did he say anything?"

"Nope."

"Two-Bit!" I grabbed his arm, ignoring the fact that it hurt. He rolled his eyes.

"Kid, he'll tell you how it went when he gets home."

"Can we go over there?"

"To his work? No. Your luck, someone'll drop a shingle on your head."

"Jerk." I mumbled, not really mad, but hoping Sodapop would now something about the meeting.

We reached the DX as my stomach was starting to rumble again, and Two-Bit grinned but didn't comment. I'd just ask Sodapop for a sandwich. He wasn't in the front though. Steve was, flipping through a magazine, but he glanced up when we entered. "Hey. The kid finally woke up." He called going back to his magazine. I grinned, crossing my arms.

"Thought you were at school?"

"Ducked out early. I need the money." He told me, flipping the page.

"Get my homework?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope." I sighed, rolling my eyes and turning to look at the chips. They looked good. My stomach rumbled again. "Johnny's getting it. Don't worry about it kid."

"Thanks."

"Where's Sodapop?" Two-Bit asked, swiping a bag of chips and pushing them into my hands.

"In the back with the asshole." I turned back to Steve, frowning, and Two-Bit crossed his arms. "Randy's been hanging around. Soda's still working on his car."

"Still don't know what's wrong with it?" I asked, opening the bag of chips and shoving a few in my mouth. I was starving.

He gave me a look but didn't comment. "We gotta mess around with the engine. The alternator needs replacing too." He told me. I nodded. That could take a while to fix from what I remembered. Soda and Darry and even Steve had taught me everything I knew about cars, which wasn't a whole lot. I could change a tire and change the oil in a car, but that was about it. Anything having to do with an engine and I needed a second opinion.

"Let's head back there and say hello." Two-Bit suggested, clapping me on the shoulder. I nodded, following him out of the gas station and back to the garage. The doors were thrown open, and inside we could see a mustang on the lift, my brother's legs sticking out. I walked over and gave his foot kick, making him jump. He swore at me, sounding pretty menacing as he shoved himself out from under the car, then stopped short when he saw me. He grinned, jumping to his feet and grabbing my shoulder.

"Hey, kiddo. How do you feel?" He asked, and I pulled away before he could hug me since he was literally covered in grease.

"I'm alright. Kind of tired."

"Yeah? You eat anything?"

"A sandwich. Some chips."

"That's a start." He squeezed my arm, turning to Two-Bit. "Why don't you two get some burgers or something? I can give you some money."

"Keep your money. I got it." Two-Bit waved him off. "Johnny should be getting out of school soon. We'll stop by and pick him up, then we can all get something to eat."

"Yeah, alright. Pony, how are those ribs?"

"Alright. I took some aspirin." Some, in this instance, meant five, so I wasn't feeling too bad. "You heard from Darry?"

He shook his head, turning grim. "Nah, kiddo. He ain't called or nothing...if it was bad news, I think he woulda called."

"Yeah?" He nodded, his jaw set.

"Yeah. No use worrying about it. Everything's fine." I wasn't sure if he was right, but he sounded pretty convinced, so I took him at his word, resolving not to worry until I talked to Darry. Surely if it had been bad news, he would have told us. "Take the bus when you go, alright? Two-Bit…" Sodapop reached into his pocket again, but Two shook his head.

"I got it, Soda." I wondered where Two-Bit was getting all this money but didn't ask. He knew Johnny was broke too, so that meant he'd been treating both of us. I didn't ask Two-Bit though…if he said he had it, I wasn't about to argue. Soda nodded.

"Thanks, buddy." He turned back to me, his hand still on my shoulder. "You feel sick or anything? I was worried those pills had put you in a coma or something." His tone was teasing but his eyes weren't.

"Nah, I'm alright. They just knocked me out."

"Tell me about it. You just wake up?"

"About an hour ago."

"Maybe you should just go ahead and take the rest of the week off...see how you feel on Monday." I was all ready to argue, but he held up a hand. "We'll see what Darry says, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. You fixed this car yet?"

"You wanna try?" He asked, eyebrows raised, and I laughed, holding up my hands.

"Nah, you're the expert."

"And don't you forget it." He ruffled my hair, laughing. "Go get Johnny, you two." He met Two-Bit's eyes and might as well have added aloud, 'please look after my kid brother.' I didn't resent him for it…as frustrating as it was to not be able to fight, I was grateful that Two-Bit was looking out for me…that they all were.

Two-Bit dropped some change into my hand as we waited for the bus, and I remembered. We'd been going to see Johnny last time too. I shoved that thought away as best I could. This was different. Johnny was fine. Those thoughts didn't stop the anxiety growing in my stomach, though. It didn't make my hands stop shaking as I saw on the bench beside Two-Bit, clenching them together between my knees so he wouldn't notice. If he did notice, he didn't say anything.

We sat in the middle, my against the window once more, and I put my head against the glass, watching the town pass by. With Two-Bit next to me, I didn't worry about some soc bugging us…I was more worried about what would happen when we got to the school. I could feel Two-Bit's eyes on me and it was just like last time. I didn't want it to be just like last time. "Where'd you get all this money, Two?" I asked, my voice pitched low so whatever wannabe pickpockets wouldn't get any ideas. He grinned.

"None of your business kid." I lifted an eyebrow, making him laugh. "I just found some change laying around."

"Yeah? Where'd you find it? A poker game? Or somebody's pocket?"

"How'd you get so mouthy, huh?"

"Learned it from you." He snorted, shaking his head and turning back to the front of the bus, giving a soc that got on a dangerous grin, just daring him to bug us. He didn't.

The bus dropped us off about a block from the school, and we made it to the parking lot just as school was letting out. I'd managed to distract myself for a while talking to Two-Bit but now I was remembering how worried I'd been about Johnny. Still, I was distracted once more, when I saw a familiar figure walking toward us. I nudged Two-Bit, nodding over to where the guy was making his way over, and Two-Bit grinned. "How's it hanging, Dal!" Dally grinned, holding out a hand and shaking Two-Bit's, then nodded a hello to me.

"What are you two doing out here?" He asked.

"I've been hanging out with the kid. We're here to get Johnny and we were gonna grab some lunch if you wanna come." Two-Bit invited.

"Yeah, sounds good." He glanced over at me again. "You stay home today?"

"Yeah." I told him, not offering any more information.

"Those pain pills knocked him out." Two-Bit filled him in. I turned toward the doors, waiting for Johnny to emerge, and left them to that conversation.

"Too strong?"

"Guess so, yeah," Two-Bit told him, just as Johnny left the building and headed our way. I lifted a hand, and he grinned, headed over to where we stood waiting.

"Hey, Pony. You finally wake up?" He asked, adjusting the backpack on his back.

"Yep. Get my homework?"

"Yeah." He turned to Dally and Two-Bit, lifting an eyebrow. "What's going on?" He asked, dodging Dally when he went to put him in a headlock.

"We're all going to lunch? Wanna come?" Two-Bit asked.

I missed Johnny's reply, as I had turned back to the parking lot and found Eric Jacobs and his group of soc friends all watching us, gathered around a black Corvette that I assumed to belong to one of them. Eric smirked a little, nodding to me, and I felt my fists clench, wishing now more than ever that I could give him a good punch in the face without being afraid that his buddies would break my ribs. I had no idea what he was planning, but whatever it was, it wasn't going to end well for me.

"That him?" I turned back to Dally who was staring past me, jutting his chin out at the socs watching us.

"What?" I asked.

"The soc that's been after you. That him?" I shook my head.

"Dal, don't…" He whirled on me, pointing a finger in my face.

"Don't you start telling me what to do kid, you hear? Don't think I won't knock your block off, broken ribs or not." His eyes were dangerous as he glared at me. Two-Bit dropped a hand on my shoulder, giving him a look that he ignored.

"Yeah, that's him, Dal," I answered softly, shoving my hands in my pockets when it was clear he wasn't going to relent.

"Stay here."

"Dally…" And then he was gone, strolling over to where the soc stood, straightened and facing the greaser. I remained where I was, not about to try and help. Beside me, Johnny slouched, hands in his pockets, watching, and Two-Bit followed him over, offering him some backup.

Dally stopped a few feet away from Eric and his buddies, hands in his jacket pockets, casual as though he were just talking to one of us. The socs were all really stiff, standing rigid as Two-Bit joined our friend. Suddenly, though, Dal grabbed Eric by the shirt collar, yanking him until their faces were only a few inches apart, a fist held up to the guy's nose. I took a half step forward, as did the two socs, but Johnny put a hand on my shoulder. I sighed, arms crossed. It wasn't like I could help anyway.

Two-Bit made to take down one of the socs that backed down immediately, glaring but not saying anything while Dally had a talk with Eric that I couldn't hear. By the end of this, I'd be lucky if Eric didn't kill me after every one of my friends humiliated him in front of his buddies. After a moment, he let Eric go, giving him a shove, and the only reason the socs didn't retaliate was that a group of greasers was standing nearby, plus Two-Bit and Dally were pretty well known as dangerous fighters.

As our friends were making their way back over, Eric glared at me from where he had gone back to leaning against his car. Dal caught my gaze and dropped a hand on my shoulder, turning me around guiding me to walk between him and Two-Bit with Johnny trailing behind. "Don't worry about him, kid. That soc ain't gonna try anything…he's too chickenshit." I glanced back at Johnny, who didn't look any more convinced than I felt, but neither of us thought arguing with Dally was a good idea, so we let it go. It was something I'd have to talk to him about later, once we were alone.


	21. Warnings

Warnings

The diner was jam-packed, mostly with other greasers that had just gotten out of school. At least here we wouldn't have to worry about socs messing with us. Then again, after what Dally had just pulled, I doubted I had to worry about them at all with him around. I wasn't happy about it. The more they pissed Eric off, the more he would be gunning for me.

I slid into the booth against the wall, and Johnny sat beside me, both of us glancing down at the menus that the waitress dropped in front of us, her eyes lingering on Johnny before turning to me. I turned my eyes down, focusing on the prices until she turned to Two-Bit who sat in front of me, and Dal who was across from Johnny. Two-Bit ordered us all cokes and burgers and fries, and we handed the menus back to the girl who's eyes lingered on me and Johnny. I wondered if she recognized us as the two kids that had been in the news, then decided it didn't matter. She left to get our cokes and Two-Bit blew the paper from his straw into my face. I brushed it off, rolling it into a ball and throwing it back at him.

"What's the homework?" I asked Johnny, sticking my own straw into my soda and taking a long drink. He did the same before answering.

"You got an English paper due Friday."

"That ain't gonna happen. What else?"

He smirked. "Math. Mostly just reading for the other classes." I nodded, rubbing a hand down my face.

"Hey, Dallas!" I jumped a little as Dal turned from where he was seated and grinned at the familiar hood that was making his way over to us, one of Tim Shephard's boys. Beside him was the hood who'd told off those socs on the bus and congratulated me on killing Bob. I almost groaned aloud, hoping they kept their mouths shut. "How are you, man? Haven't seen you since you got out."

"Yeah, man, I'm fine. How's Tim?"

"Oh, you know. Work and that family of his keeps him busy." Dally nodded, and the hoods greeted Two-Bit too, shaking his hand and asking, real polite, after his family. They were nice enough guys once you got past the knives…then again, I couldn't really say anything. I had a knife in my back pocket.

"Hey, kids. Those socs bug you anymore?" The one who'd congratulated me asked. I still didn't know his name. So much for keeping their mouths shut. I glanced over at Johnny, knowing our semi-secret encounter on the bus was now public knowledge. And it sure wasn't like Dal and Two-Bit were gonna keep a secret…or let something go.

"Not really." I lied, hoping our buddies wouldn't ask and knowing they would.

"What are you talking about?" Dallas demanded, crossing his arms.

"Caught a couple of socs messing with these two on the bus a few days ago…right in their faces. We took care of it, told 'em who these kids are."

Dally turned to me, looking dangerous again. "Who?" He snapped, and I gave the two amused hoods standing by our table an almost baleful glare.

"Just friends of Bob's."

"The same ones from school today?"

"Not from today," I muttered. He looked for a minute like he'd like to hit me, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I mean, he looked out for me, but I wasn't Johnny. No matter what Johnny had said, I couldn't believe that Dal would be that bothered if something were to happen to me, which was fine. He was safe and so was Johnny. That's what I'd wanted.

"You'd better keep an eye out, kid." One of the greasers told me, looking suddenly serious. "Those socs are out for revenge for their buddy. Randy especially." Two-Bit and Dal nodded, exchanging a glance. I nodded too, telling them I would and sighing when they left.

"They were just talking," I told our friends, resigned to getting chewed out for some reason.

"You tell your brothers?" Dal demanded, then shook his head. "No, don't answer. Of course you didn't. You got a death wish kid?" I didn't want to tell him that, although I didn't want to die, I'd kind of implied to some sort of higher entity that I'd be willing to trade my life for his and Johnny's. He'd think I was stupid and crazy then. Instead, I shook my head, staring down at the table, wishing I had my food so that would distract me. "You knew they were after you…this had to be when I picked you two up from the library."

"Yeah. But man, they were just talking. They weren't gonna try nothing on the bus in front of everybody. And we both had blades." Johnny cut in, sticking up for me. Taken aback, I turned to him wide-eyed. He just grinned a little and turned back to Dally. "We figured it wasn't nothing to worry about. We already knew they were gonna be mad about their buddy." Dal scoffed while Two-Bit nodded to the waitress who'd come with our food. I was starving but I didn't want to start eating until Dally was done yelling at us.

"You two gotta tell us if something like that happens again, ya dig?" Two-Bit spoke up, pointing over at us. Beside me, Johnny nodded. "We ain't gonna let those socs mess with you. You know their names?" It seemed Dally and Two-Bit figured they could protect me through intimidation alone. Who was I to try and stop them? They sure weren't going to listen to me.

"Just a couple of socs that hang out with Eric. I think one of 'em is in my English class."

"Point him out the next time you see him. And don't think we ain't telling Darry." I had no way of stopping them so I just glared, which didn't scare either of them none.

I went straight to my homework when we got home, as did Johnny who joined me at the kitchen table. Dal smacked me in the back of the head as he walked by, and I glared at his back, both of us still irritated with one another. I wasn't willing to fight him over it, though. He'd win, especially when my brothers were gonna agree with him. He dropped down at the table with me and Johnny, opening a beer and taking a long drink. "Whatcha working on?" He asked, pointing his chin at my work.

"Math," I muttered, and he kicked me under the table.

"You can stop with the glaring, kid." He ordered, pointing his beer at me.

"The pain makes him grumpy." Two-Bit put in dryly, a warning in his voice as he placed the bottle of aspirin in front of me, and Dal backed off a little.

"I'm fine." I'd had five earlier, and I doubted I should take more so soon. Dally was watching me carefully as I tried to focus on my homework, and I finally gave up on math, pulling out my history notebook and my textbook.

"You had any other run-ins with those socs?" He asked, flipping his lid with one finger, letting it fall back down to the table before flipping it again. I shook my head, not really lying.

"Nope."

"At school?"

"Ain't seen 'em."

"Kid, if you're lying to me…"

"I ain't!" I snapped, going back to my history. He rolled his eyes, sighing loudly. I'm kind of surprised he didn't go ahead and hit me.

"You make it awful hard to have your back, you know that, kid?" I sighed then, looking up at him and remembering. He'd cracked the drywall in that hospital room…held a knife to a doctor's throat. He'd thrown himself into that burning building to get Johnny out. He'd been glad he hadn't killed me. He was looking out for me. "Kid!" He looked like he wanted to hit me again…or like he was worried. Both looked kind of the same coming from him.

"Sorry." I ran a hand over my face and decided to confess. "They're in some of my classes. Told me to watch my back…told me I was dead…" I shrugged, waving a hand. "Just talk." He went a little pale, shaking his head.

"And you decided not to mention this? To your brothers? To us?"

"Yepp." He shook his head, rolling his eyes again. "They ain't tried nothing. Really…they're just messing with me."

"Sounds like they want to kill you." I had to agree with Two-Bit's quiet statement, but it was best not to tell him that.

"They're just mad."

"They're mad that you killed their friend, kid. That ain't 'just messing' around. Don't go anywhere alone, alright?"

I fought the urge to tell him I hadn't gone anywhere alone in what felt like weeks, but didn't. Instead, I just nodded, mumbling an 'alright,' and we spent the rest of the day lounging in front of the TV since both Johnny and I were sick of homework and neither of our friends cared if we did it or not. I made ham and beans for dinner, since it was practically the only thing we had left apart from some bread for sandwiches, and boiled some mixed vegetables to go with it. Darry got paid that Friday, so it would have to last a few days.

Darry and Soda hadn't been home for five minutes before Two-Bit and Dal pulled them aside, mumbling in the living room. I ignored them, stirring the vegetables and the ham and beans and wishing we had some cornbread. I could almost hear Darry sigh in the other room. 'Don't fight with your brothers.' I repeated it to myself over and over as my brothers came into the kitchen, Soda putting a hand on my shoulder, taking over stirring the vegetables. Darry was quiet, leaning in the doorway.

"How was the meeting?" I asked Darry, hoping to distract him.

"Fine. They'll be checking in on us over the next few months." I smiled a little despite the situation. They weren't taking us away. They were letting us stay with Darry. Soda knocked a shoulder against mine, smiling a little too. "Those socs messing with you…they bugging you at school too?"

"Yeah," I told him simply, not about to try and lie with Two-Bit and Dally in the other room.

Beside me, Soda released a long breath. To his credit, Darry didn't ask why I hadn't told him. "Okay. I'm gonna call your school tomorrow. I'll get your homework sent here. Spend the rest of the week at home, okay? Maybe by Monday things will have calmed down." I bit back the argument, not letting it out of my mouth.

'Don't argue with your brothers. Don't argue with your brothers.' I just nodded, jaw clenched, staring down at the still cold food on the stove. "Okay."

It sounded like Darry swore under his breath, but I wasn't sure why. I wasn't going to give him any trouble. I stared down at the food, and Darry moved over to where I stood, grabbing my arm where I was stirring. I stiffened without meaning to, jumping a little as he brought me out of my thoughts. "I'll finish dinner." He told me quietly, defeat heavy in his voice. I wanted to explain that I'd just been distracted, that I wasn't scared of him, but the aspirin was wearing off and I wasn't really up for that conversation. I wondered briefly when I could take another pain pill...or half of one, as Darry would insist. Hopefully, cutting it in half would work. "It'll be a while anyway." He told me, not looking me in the eye.

"Yeah, alright." I took my hand back, stepping out onto the porch and letting the door slam shut behind me. I dropped into a chair, staring out at the sun as it set and taking a long, deep breath. So I was a coward. So I was hiding at home instead of facing the guys that, most likely, wanted to kill me. So my brother thought I was afraid of him…that I still blamed him for hitting me. It was all so ridiculous when I thought of it that way.

"Hey, Pone." Johnny came out to find after a few minutes, pulling a cigarette out of his pack and then just playing with it.

"Hey."

"You know Two-Bit and Dal…they're just looking out for ya…me too. Well…that and they like an excuse to beat up some socs." I smiled a little, nodding.

"Yeah, I know."

"And you know that we all got your back."

"Yeah." He nodded, satisfied, and stared out at the setting sun. Suddenly I couldn't hold back the question anymore. It would distract me, anyway, knowing the answer. "Did Sandy leave?" He paused beside me, turning to look right at me, dropping the cigarette.

"Why do you ask?"

Tired of all this sneaking around, I just asked him point blank. "She got pregnant, right? But it wasn't my brother's. So she left." He was pale beside me, shaking his head.

"Who told you that?" I shrugged. "Well, how did you know?"

"I just did."

"Darry asked us not to say anything, and no one at school should know anything yet…even if they did…Soda wanted to tell you himself some time but he hasn't got to yet. I know it because him and Steve talked about it yesterday. Now, how did you know!" Johnny demanded, sounding almost scared, his voice too loud. I turned to him, surprised. "You didn't know how you got my switch, but I didn't give it to you. You know about Sandy but no one told you…and you're having dreams about the same fire!"

"The same fire?" I asked quietly, feeling a knot form in my stomach.

"Yeah, I heard you yelling about it…and Dal told me. We're in a church, right? And you got blonde hair, except I don't know why. Dally's there, and you keep talking about some kids, but then you're screaming and yelling for me like you're real scared, and everything goes dark and you're talking to somebody." His voice was getting louder and louder and my stomach seemed to turn itself in knots, my jaw tightening. "They're asking what you'll give…to save us. Me and Dal. And you say 'anything.' You said you'd give anything. Pony, what did you do?" He was talking too loud by the end, and I felt my eyes get hot, hands shaking as I struggle to figure out what to tell him.

There was a click behind us as the screen door opened. "Everything alright?" Darry's quiet, puzzled voice was right behind us, and I fought to keep my hands still. They were shaking where I clenched them in my lap, eyes down on my legs.

"Yeah. It's fine. We're just talking." Johnny muttered, not looking at my brother. Darry put a hesitant hand on my shoulder. I really needed to talk to him…to try and explain.

"Pony?" He was asking if everything was okay, not sounding convinced. He was asking if I was alright. But I wasn't. Johnny was having the same dream. Johnny knew…somehow. Who else knew? Would that make things go back? Icy terror gripped me at that thought. No. I'd agreed to this!

I cleared my throat, hoping I didn't start bawling in front of everyone. Johnny was alive. It wasn't gonna go back. "Yeah. Just some math stuff we're having trouble with." I told him, and he squeezed my shoulder. Inside the house, it was almost silent, so I knew they'd all been trying to listen. It wasn't often me and Johnny got loud. My brother nodded after a second, heading back inside to finish dinner, and I turned to Johnny, speaking quietly. "It don't matter."

"Don't tell me that. I wanna know what you did. Something was supposed to happen and you changed it. I don't know how, but you did." I stood, brushing off my pants, then turned to look at him straight on.

"It was worth it." I told him, same as before. He got kind of pale then, shaking his head, but I headed inside, ignoring the stares from the living room and going into my bedroom. Shutting my door behind me, I started on my homework.

The soft knock came a few minutes later, and I wondered if Johnny wanted to talk some more. "Yeah?" I asked, not looking up from my homework.

"Hey, kiddo. Can I come in?" I grinned a little.

"It's your room too." I reminded him.

"Yeah, well, it was your room first." Soda was smiling as he came inside, closing the door behind him and dropping onto the bed by the desk, leaning back against the headboard.

"I think it was Darry's room first, actually," I told him, finishing a math problem. I could practically hear him roll his eyes.

"So…what was all that?" He asked, arms crossed, and I dropped my pencil, staring down at my paper.

"My math homework."

"Ponyboy…" I kept quiet, still staring at my paper. "You said something was worth it, and Johnny's real upset. I've never heard him yell like that…except we couldn't really understand much he was saying. He ran outta here like a bat outta hell. So what's going on with you two? I've never seen you guys fight." He asked, concerned.

"We ain't fighting."

"Well, you had an awful loud conversation, and then you both stormed off…"

I debated for a second, then decided to give him a half truth. "Stabbing Bob." He froze when I met his eyes. "That's what was worth it…killing Bob to save him. It was worth it."

"He's upset about that." Soda murmured. I nodded. He dropped his head back, staring at the ceiling. Dropping the ruse, I stood, moving over to the bed and sitting beside him, and he draped his arm around me.

"Those socs on the bus didn't do anything. Just talk."

"Yeah, I know. But you gotta be careful, ya dig? Those guys aren't messing around."

"Did you fix Randy's car yet?"

"Just about. Steve and I are planning on finishing it up tomorrow. Why? He say something?"

"Nah, I haven't seen him at school…just weird, him hanging out at the DX all the time."

"Yeah. We'll be glad to get rid of him too." He squeezed my shoulders, hugging me to his side, his head knocking against mine. "Darry ain't mad neither, you know?"

"I know."

"He's just worried about all this."

"Yeah." I mumbled, staring down at my lap. "He thinks I'm scared of him…like I think he'll hit me again." Soda didn't say anything, just waited. "I know he won't. I'm not scared of him."

"Yeah I know. He's just worried about you, especially with all those socs after you."

"So now I gotta hide out here?"

"Yep." He didn't sound at all apologetic about it, smiling a little at me. "Sorry, kiddo, but I'd rather people think you're hiding than have you at school with no one there to watch your back. I know Two-Bit, Johnny, and Steve were doing their best, but it wasn't working." I couldn't argue. It wasn't like I'd been able to concentrate when I had been in class.

"You really think they'll be over it by Monday?" The question came out weaker than I would have liked, and he sighed, hugging me again.

"I hope so, kiddo." Somehow, I doubted it.


	22. Shopping

Shopping

Soda and I sat on the bed for about ten minutes, his arm around my shoulder, before Darry knocked on our door. Our big brother looked at us for a second, a strange look on his face, then down at the floor for a moment, clearing his throat. "Come on, you two. Dinner's ready." Then he was gone. Man, I really needed to talk to him about that. No way I could let a misunderstanding like that ruin things between me and my brother. Not after everything.

In the living room, I sat beside Soda, who was sandwiched between me and Steve, while Two-Bit and Dally sat on the floor, eating at the coffee table. Darry was in his recliner, never meeting my eyes. Johnny was conspicuously absent, which made the meal sort of awkward…for me, at least. Steve and Soda talked about the gas station, debating about Randy's car, while Two-Bit focused on his food, digging in with a disgusting amount of gusto. I picked at my own food, trying not to meet Dally's eyes. He'd been staring at me funny ever since Johnny ran out. They all were. I felt bad, like I'd run our friend off, but I hadn't meant to. It must have been strange for them to see me and Johnny fight for the first time. I mean, we'd argued before, but always quiet, always just between us, and it was always over pretty quick.

I probably shouldn't have brought up Sandy, but I'd needed to know. It had felt so important…and to learn that Johnny was dreaming about the fire too…it was too much. Why was Johnny dreaming about that fire? Was Dally dreaming about it too? It hadn't even happened. It never would. I never wanted to go to that church. I never wanted to step inside, or to see the old well in the back, or sleep on the cold stone floor. I never wanted to smoke in the sanctuary and risk burning the whole place down. I never…

"What do you think, Pony?" I jumped a little, turning to Soda who was watching me expectantly, then worriedly. "You okay, kiddo?" I glanced around and found all eyes on me once more. But no one looked particularly irritated with me for zoning out like they usually would. Instead, they, too, looked worried.  
I rubbed a hand through my hair, forcing a smile. "Yeah…sorry…what'd you say?"

He hesitated, then smiled like nothing was wrong. He was usually willing to play along. "Steve and I are going to the track on Friday night after work. You wanna come?" I glanced over at Steve, skeptical that he actually wanted me around, but he just rolled his eyes. Surprisingly, he was smiling a little.

"Yes or no, kid. Make up your mind." I glanced at Darry then out of habit, since I always needed his permission even if he was good about letting me do stuff when it wasn't a school night, but Soda nudged me. I did my best not to flinch when his elbow hit my ribs, and thankfully he seemed not to notice what he'd done. I didn't want him feeling bad over nothing.

"Darry already said it was fine, Pone." He told me under his breath.

"Oh…uh…yeah. Sure, that sounds fine."

"Good. We can pick you up before we go."

"Johnny and I will come too…we'll all meet you at the DX." Dally spoke up between bites.

"You wanna come, Dar? You're off, Saturday, ain't ya?" Soda invited.

Our brother hesitated, and I hurried to jump in, hoping this would show him that I wasn't upset with him. Grinning, I pointed my fork at him. "Yeah, Darry. You ought to come too." He smiled a little then, nodding at us indulgently like he usually did when we invited him somewhere like the track or the movies. I knew he'd rather be at home asleep after work, but he needed to get out more.

"Yeah, alright. I get off at six, so I'll meet you guys over there."

"Good. You ain't been out to the races with us in forever. Bet you've forgotten what a race even looks like, huh Pone?" Soda nudged me again, but this time he noticed the flinch and pulled his arm back. "Oh…sorry, kiddo."

"It's fine."

"Here." Darry grabbed my bottle of pills, scooping one out and using a knife to cut it in half. "Try this." He held it out and I plucked it out of his hand, swallowing it without comment. I hoped they worked, and I also hoped they didn't make me as loopy as the full ones had. Who knows what I'd blurt out if they started asking me about Johnny and I was high on pain pills. Two-Bit kept throwing me glances, and although no one else had asked about Johnny, I knew they were wondering what had happened.

I couldn't remember a time when Johnny and I had ever fought like this before. Maybe we'd disagreed about a game or something, but never actually yelling. We were both too quiet for that, even if I would be more prone to yelling than Johnny. Dal seemed the most likely to start demanding answers, but he was oddly quiet as we all went back to our food, Soda and Steve filling the silences with talk about work.

"Yeah, I'm gonna get that car finished first thing tomorrow morning and that asshole can hit the trail." I caught the last bit of Steve's rant and glanced over, assuming they were talking about Randy. "Man am I sick of that soc hanging around." I had to agree. I wasn't really scared of him or nothing, or so I told myself, but it was weird to have him hanging around when I went to see my brother. I hadn't seen him around school at all though. I wondered if he was taking time off after his buddy died. Or maybe he was too busy skulking around the DX to bother with school.

I did the dishes while the guys all played poker in the living room with the exception of Darry who'd grabbed the newspaper and was in his recliner, flipping through the pages. It was what our dad had done after dinner almost every day…spend some time reading the newspaper in that recliner. I wondered if that was why Darry did it, or if he actually liked reading the newspaper. Before our parents died, I couldn't really remember him ever reading a newspaper. Then again, his day to day life hadn't been of much interest to me before they'd died, during those two years after he'd graduated from high school.

I'd only been about twelve when he'd graduated, spending most of my time with the gang still, but mostly with Johnny. That's when his parents had started getting worse, and he'd spent more time over at our house, the two of us in my backyard, kicking a ball around or playing cards. Soda would join us sometimes, bringing Steve along who would usually get bored pretty quick and head inside. I felt another stab of regret for bringing up Sandy. I hadn't wanted to fight with Johnny. I hadn't even suspected that I could make him angry like that…but what could I do? I'd made my choice. And I wouldn't take it back, even if I could. It looked like the state was going to check up on us, but we weren't in serious trouble with them. They weren't going to take Soda or me away. The socs hated me but they always had…I'd just given them a good reason.

The refrigerator opened behind me and I glanced back, finding Two-Bit pulling out a beer. He grinned up at me. "Hey kid. So what's up with the…" He waved his hand. "You know, with Johnny? Ain't never heard him yell like that." He popped the top off his beer, taking a long drink.

"I don't know." I told him, going back to the dishes. Apparently, the pain pills weren't going to make me loopy, so at least I wasn't going to start talking about the fire. He moved to stand beside me, his back against the counter, elbows resting back on the sink.

"Really? You know, he was saying something about a fire…anything you want to share with the class?" I rolled my eyes, not answering as I pulled a plate out of the soapy water, scrubbing it under the running faucet.

"No idea what you're talking about."

"Fine." He shrugged. "Don't tell me. I bet he will." I shrugged right back. Johnny wouldn't say a word about this to the gang, I was pretty sure of it. "How are those ribs?"

"Alright." I put the dish on the drying rack, turning off the water and draining the sink.

"Good. Those pills working okay?"

"I guess so." He reached out, grabbing my shirt before I could go to the living room.

"Hey kid, hold on a sec." He ordered, and I turned, crossing my arms and looking up at him. "Don't give me that look. Listen, I know you don't want people to think you're some kind of coward. I get it, really. And we all know you ain't no coward. Just…do us all a favor and don't go anywhere alone. If you end up going back to school on Monday, stick close and keep your head down. Okay?"

"Yeah, I know." He grabbed my shirt again when I started to leave, looking serious, eyes stormy and jaw tight.

"Kid, I mean it. Those socs, they ain't just screwing around. Their buddy is dead, and things are getting kind of rough around here, especially with the socs coming around our side of town."

I looked at him for a minute, then nodded. Out of our buddies, apart from Johnny, I liked Two-Bit the best. He always looked out for me. Never called me a tag along, never really got on me as long as I wasn't getting mouthy with him. He was a good friend. "Okay. I dig." I told him, meaning it. He let me go, slinging an arm around my shoulders and leading me back into the living room. Everybody glanced up when we entered, then went back to their game, all except Darry who put down his paper, waving me over. I walked over, and he sat up, staring at me closely.

"How you feeling, kiddo?" He asked, his voice pitched low.

"I'm alright."

"Those pills helping at all?" I shrugged.

"My side doesn't hurt much," I told him. It was all I could go by, and I could still think straight, so that was good.

"Good." He nodded. "Go ahead and take the pills when you need to, but cut them in half, alright? And only take half of one at a time."  
"Yeah, alright." He clapped me on the back, going back to his paper, and for a moment I wished I could go out and find Johnny. Maybe go to his place and see if he was around. Or the lot. I headed out the back door, back to where Johnny and I had had our argument. Leaning forward on the porch rail, I stared at the sun once more where it was nearly gone. No way I could get away with going to Johnny's on my own, even if it was just down the street. Darry would kill me. Once more, the door opened and shut behind me, but this time it was Dally who joined me, pulling out a cigarette. "They send you to make sure I wasn't smoking?"  
"Hell no, kid." He held out the pack, offering me a stick. I shook my head, despite how bad I wanted one. "Your hands are shaking." He observed, real causal.

"Apparently that's what happens when you give up smoking." He shrugged.

"Least you won't die of cancer."

I snorted. "Socs maybe, but not cancer." He short me a dirty look, slapping me on the back of the head.

"Shut up talking like that, kid. Those socs ain't gonna get you." I lifted an eyebrow but didn't reply. There was no use arguing about it with Dally. "You know we're gonna rumble Saturday night?" I shook my head.

"Nah…nobody told me."

"Your brothers didn't want us to. I figured it was about time we told you. No way you're fighting in it, and if I catch you trying, I'll break some more of your ribs myself. Stay home. You get me?" He asked, taking a long puff of his cigarette. I didn't think he'd actually hurt me, not with Darry and Soda around. No way they'd let him. But I also knew that he'd do something unpleasant.

"I couldn't fight in a rumble right now Dal anyway." I told him, shrugging. He nodded.

"That's right you couldn't." He grumbled.

"Did Johnny go home?" I asked quietly.

"Hell if I know. He didn't tell any of us where he was going." I could feel him watching me, and I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. "We couldn't hear much…he said something about a fire though. Same one you're dreaming about?" I didn't answer, swallowing hard and staring down at my feet. "I mentioned it to him, so that could be how he knew about it." He told me, his tone still conversational.

"No." I told him, keeping my voice soft even though I could hear Soda and Steve still talking loudly about their job.

"What?"

"We're having the same dream." I told him, not sure why I'd chosen to confide this to Dally. Maybe because it had been him too…me, him, and Johnny.

"What?" He asked, not sounding as incredulous as he could have.

"The fire…" I shook my head, sighing a little. There wasn't any real way to explain it.

"Yeah…I know." He told me, seeming to give in. He smiled a little, shanking his head. "You got blond hair for some reason, right? And you and Johnny are in some fire, and I'm trying to get you out. I can't…I can't ever get to you two. Then you're talking to somebody…they're asking you something except I got no idea what's going on. Anyway, you keep saying 'anything.' Right?"

"Did you…you heard Johnny?" I asked, a pit in my stomach. He shook his head.

"Nah, kid. I've been having the same dream." I gripped the rail, nodding and clenching my jaw. Of course he had. He'd been there too. "So…why are we all having the same shitty dream?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

"You sure? Cause Johnny sure seemed to think you knew."

"I don't." I turned and looked at him straight on. "I really don't know what's going on." He seemed to realize I was being honest. Nodding, he clapped me once on the shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, kid. Whatever it is, it don't matter. We're going to take care of those socs on Saturday, and they ain't gonna mess with you anymore."

"What about your ribs?" He snorted, bringing his hand up to ruffle my hair roughly.

"You worry about your own ribs, ya hear." He ashed his smoke, tossing it into the backyard.

"Can you check the lot when you go? I mean…if you go? See if Johnny's around?"  
"Yeah, I'll look out for him. Don't worry. You know he won't stay mad atcha for long." He clapped me on the shoulder one more time, heading back inside, but I stayed where I was, even after Two-Bit and Dally called out a good night and Steve and Soda started their own poker game. I heard the rustling of Darry's paper, and after the sun was long gone, my big brother joined me on the porch.

"Ain't you cold out here, Pony?" Darry asked, standing beside me at the railing.

"Didn't really notice." I admitted, even though I knew he didn't like it when my head was in the clouds. He didn't get on me though, just stood there. Like with Johnny, I couldn't seem to help blurting things out. "I ain't mad, Darry." I told him, talking quiet enough that, hopefully, no one else would hear. He went kind of still, looking down at me, but I stared straight ahead. "Or scared, or worried you'll do it again…I swear. Today when I was making dinner…you just took me by surprise is all."

"I wouldn't blame you…"

"But I'm not!" I turned to him then, hoping he'd see that I was serious. "You're my big brother, and yeah, we had problems after…" I bit my lip, then forced myself to say it, not caring when my voice about gave out. "After mom and dad…after they died. But…it was my fault too, and we ain't fighting anymore." He looked like he wanted to say something, but I went on. "I thought you hated me." I admitted, dropping my gaze. "I thought…I thought you regretted keeping me around, cause you yelled all the time." He hand landed on my shoulder, but I kept going. "I figured you were yelling cuase you hated me, but after…I just know, that ain't why. I worried you. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, and it was stupid of us to fall asleep outside, but I don't think you'll hurt me and I'm not scared of you."

Darry was quiet for a long moment, his hand firm on my shoulder. Finally, he cleared his throat. "I never hated you, Pony. Never. And I never…not for a second, regretted keeping you or Soda."

"I know."

"I am so sorry that I hit you, Ponyboy."

I still couldn't manage to look at him, afraid I'd start bawling if I did. "I know that too."

"You still act like you're scared, you know? Like you're afraid to argue with me."

"It ain't cause I'm scared you'll hit me. I just…I don't want things to go back to the way they were before." I shrugged. "We fought all the time. I don't want that again." He put his other hand on my shoulder then, pulling me close, and I wrapped my arms around him, remembering the hospital, how he'd cried when he'd first seen me…how we'd waited all night to find out about Johnny. It hadn't happened. None of it.

"We aren't gonna go back to that, kiddo. I swear. I didn't like it any more than you did."

Closing my eyes, I dropped my voice to a whisper. "I really wish Dad were here." I admitted, my head against his shoulder, and he hugged me a little harder.

"Me too, honey."

After a long moment on the porch, I pulled away, glad I'd managed not to start bawling. Glad the air was clear once more between us, I changed the subject. "Dally told me about the rumble on Saturday." Darry rolled his eyes.

"Of course he did."

"You guys didn't think I wouldn't notice you all up and disappearing on a Saturday night? Or were you planning on knocking me out with one of those pills." He sighed, grinning good-naturedly.

"Not hardly. I was gonna tell you. Dal just can't keep his mouth shut." I nodded in agreement. "You gotta stay home. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know." He didn't look convinced. Had I really argued with him that much? "I can't exactly fight in this condition, you know?"

"Yes, I do know. After it's over, we'll all get food. Soda wants to have a party." I grinned.

"Course he does. Speaking of food, we need groceries." I reminded him. "I can go tomorrow, since I'm not gonna be in school."

"If one of the guys goes with you." He allowed. "I'll leave some money on the table. I'll go again when I get paid, okay?"

"Sure." He ruffled my hair, and I ducked, glad it didn't hurt as much to do so. He seemed to notice too, smiling a little.

"Come on inside, kiddo. It's getting cold out here, and the last thing we need is you getting sick." He led me inside, and, starting to feel the cold myself, I didn't argue.

Soda and Steve played well into the night, but I was starting to feel tired, probably from the pain pill, so I headed to bed before midnight, not waking when Soda came to bed until he shook me. "Pone? Ponyboy?" He asked, gripping my shoulder.

"Yeah?" I rolled over a little, looking blearily up at him in the dark.

"Just making sure you were alright." He sounded sheepish as he climbed into bed, pulling the blankets around both of us. "Go back to sleep."

I mumbled an 'okay' and didn't wake again until the sun was shining in my room. Finding that my ribs were still tender, but much less sore than before, I had to assume those pain pills were decent after all. Climbing out of bed, I showered, throwing on some clean clothes, then started a load of laundry since I was the only one home. I spotted the money on the table along with a note from Darry first thing as I was pouring some cereal. 'Don't go out unless someone goes with you. Get one of the guys to take you to the store if they drop by. See you tonight.'

I pocketed the money, swallowing my cereal, then managed some half hearted tidying up. Finally tired of cleaning and wondering if Two-Bit and Johnny had decided to go to school, I sat down on the sofa and watched TV for a while, dividing my attention between The Andy Griffith Show and my East of Eden. Johnny and I hadn't made any more progress on Gone With the Wind, and I wondered if he still wanted to read with me.

Dally let himself in around one, by which point I was lost in my book, the TV just noise in the background. "Hey, kid." He called, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels. I mumbled a 'hi' and turned the page. "What's for lunch?"

"We're about out of food. You can make a sandwich, though." I told him, not particularly hungry myself.

He watched the TV for a bit, still flipping through the channels. "You eat?"

"Yeah. Cereal. We got that too." I mumbled, fingering the edge of a page, about ready to turn it. He hummed, dropping the remote and going into the kitchen, then came back out.

"Darry want you to go to the store?" I nodded, humming.

"We need groceries. Can't go alone, though."

"Well, put the book down, kid. You take your medicine yet?" I'd taken the antibiotic with breakfast but hadn't tried the pain pill yet, so I shook my head. "Go on then. Glory, no wonder you need a babysitter." He grinned and sidestepped my swing at him easily, dropping onto the couch with a beer. "Take your medicine then we'll go to the store. I'm starving." I thought about telling him to get his own food, but I figured it was safer to keep my mouth shut.

In the driveway was Buck's car, and I lifted an eyebrow at Dally. "Ain't you gonna get yours fixed?" I asked, climbing into the passenger's seat.

"Eh, someday." He shrugged. I wondered if he couldn't afford it, or if maybe he was too proud to ask Soda or Steve to take a look. I wasn't even sure where he kept his car, which reminded me what I'd been meaning to ask him.

"Hey, can I come down and watch you race sometime?" I asked, turning to him in the tight space. He lifted an eyebrow, glancing over at me as he pulled into the street.

"Sure, kid." He told me in a voice that said he had no idea why I'd want to. "You and Johnny both can come, long as your brother doesn't care." He didn't say it out loud, but I knew it attracted kind of a rough crowd, and everybody would feel better if I was with someone when Dallas couldn't keep an eye on me.

"I'll ask him."

"Maybe wait until you ain't on those pills anymore." I nodded. I had to agree.

The store on our side of town was pretty safe. Not many socs deigned to go there, especially in the middle of the day when they were all at school. The store was busy, though, full of women doing their shopping, toddlers being pulled along by the hand or riding in carts. They all gave Dally a wide berth as I grabbed a basket, bracing a hand against my side as I did so. "How are those pills working?"

"Better than aspirin." He nodded, accepting that. A woman pulled her kid closer as they left, baskets full of groceries as she tried to stay away from Dallas. He rolled his eyes, heading over to the bread, and I grabbed two loaves, then a package of chicken, the cheapest one they had, and a couple of boxes of pasta. Dal grabbed the eggs, and that was about all the money I had, so we went to the checkout. I ignored Dally as he grabbed a pack of gum and a couple of candy bars from the shelf while I put the items on the counter for the guy to ring up. He was a greaser like us and nodded to me, greeting Dally by name, and by his expression, I suspected he knew what Dally was up to, but he didn't say anything about it.

"Hey, Dallas." The guy reached out, shaking my buddy's hand, and I wondered how many friends Dal had around town. "Thought they still had you locked up."

"Nah, man. Got out a few weeks ago. Been busy."

I handed the cashier the money, pocketing the change he gave me. "You're the Curtis kid, ain't 'cha?" He asked, taking a second look at me. I nodded, grabbing one of the bags while Dally took the other two.

"Yeah. One of them." He hummed, lifting his eyebrows for a minute.

"You the one that killed Bob Sheldon, or was that one of your brothers?" I wondered if I'd get that question for the rest of my life. Swallowing hard and staring at the counter, I nodded.

"Yeah. I am." Dal moved over to stand beside me, dropping an elbow on my shoulder and leaning on me. I flinched a little, but didn't complain.

"Heard they put you in the hospital." He smiled a little, apparently hoping for more details. I just grunted a little, nodding. "You know they're after you? Heard some guy name Eric say he was gonna kill you."

"He's full of shit." Dally snapped, dropping his arm and clapping me on the shoulder. "We've got his back."

"Yeah, that's good." He smirked a little, and I clenched the bag in my hand, pushing back my irritation as I turned to go.

"You hear anything else about those socs, you tell me. Savvy?" I heard Dally tell him as I headed back out to the car, and Dally followed after a second, climbing into the driver's side.

"Is everybody I meet from now on going to task me that?" I asked, dropping the groceries between my feet. He turned and put his bags behind the seat, then pulled a candy bar from his pocket and held it out to me. I took it with a mumbled 'thanks.'

"I ain't gonna lie, kid. Probably." He shrugged. This was part of it then, I guessed. Part of my 'anything.' Maybe someday people would forget about Bob Sheldon, but not for a while, especially not with Eric and Randy out for revenge.

"Did you find Johnny last night?" I wondered, changing the subject abruptly. He nodded.

"Yeah. He was sleeping at the lot, but I took him back to Buck's and he slept on the floor there. I gave him a ride to school this morning." I nodded, grateful for that. At least he was okay. It was all still worth it.


	23. A Pinch

A Pinch

A bang woke me on Friday morning, and I groaned, rolling over carefully as I heard my brother cussing across the room. "You alright?" I muttered, sitting up.

"Yeah. Sorry. Stubbed my toe." He grumbled, straightening up. "You can go back to sleep."

I rubbed my eyes, stretching a little as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and grabbing a shirt from a pile beside my desk. I really should have put those away, but I hadn't felt like it. I doubted I could get back to sleep, so I decided to just get up. Soda ran a hand through his hair, watching as I hauled myself to my feet.

The night before, Two-Bit had come over after school, dropping my homework on the kitchen table as Darry had cooked dinner, and I'd sat down at the table to do my homework after we'd all eaten and the others sat in the living room, talking and playing cards. Darry had checked my homework after I was finished, ruffling my hair and telling me good job. I'd given it to Two-Bit before he'd left and hoped he'd remember to turn it in.

"How you feeling?" Soda asked from the doorway, arms crossed.

"Eh." I shrugged, placing my hand against my side and looking around for some socks.

"Come on, kiddo. You need to take your medicine. You want something to eat, since you're up?" I nodded, giving up on my search for socks and joining him in the kitchen where Darry was frying eggs. Two-Bit was sitting at the table looking like a little kid, plate out, waiting for his breakfast. Darry glanced over at him and rolled his eyes, then caught sight of me.

"Morning, Pony. What're you doing up?"

"Soda was being loud." Sodapop smacked me in the head, grinning a little.

"Hungry?" I nodded, and he grabbed two more eggs, cracking them in the skillet and letting them fry. I grabbed the pill bottle from the table, swallowing one with some milk from the carton. "Will you use a glass?" Darry asked, but before he could even get all the words out, Soda had grabbed the carton from me and was taking a drink straight from the carton. "It's like living in a barn." He grumbled, but I saw a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth.

"Hand that here, will ya?" Two-Bit asked, pointing to the carton in Soda's hand. He passed him the carton as Steve came in the front door.

I went into the living room as Soda and Two-Bit were now fighting over the milk, which I figured they'd use in an excuse to start wrestling unless Darry stopped them.

"Is Johnny with you?" I asked, arms crossed as Steve glanced at the near brawl happening n the kitchen.

"Nope. Haven't seen him, kid." For a minute, I thought he was gonna ask about my fight with Johnny, but he didn't. Just heading into the kitchen and grabbing the carton of milk while I sat at the table and Darry handed me a plate.

"See what you started?" He snatched the milk away from Steve, smacking up in the back of the head and placing it back in the fridge. Grabbing a pill from my other bottle and cutting it in half, he handed me the pain pill. "You feel okay?"

"Yeah. I'm alright."

"Good." He clapped me on the shoulder. "Stay here today until Dally comes, alright?"

"I can stay here." Two-Bit offered, glancing over at Darry. "Steve can take your homework." Steve didn't argue, but I shook my head.

"I'm fine, Two-Bit." The only thing that would make this embarrassment worse would be a babysitter. Darry hesitated but nodded after a second.

"Go to school, Two. Maybe one day you'll actually graduate."

"Eh, I don't know. I kind of like high school." I couldn't understand it, but I didn't bother arguing.

They all left together, Darry reminding me to stay at the house unless Dally or Johnny came by. Soda called that he'd see me at five, and then I was in the house alone again. Sighing and fighting the urge to just take off and maybe get some cigarettes, I did the dishes instead, then put some laundry away. Giving up on chores after that, I sat down on the sofa with my book once more, trying not to think about Johnny.

When I couldn't sit still anymore, I did some more laundry, dusting the living room and vacuuming, grateful that I could move around without my ribs stabbing me in the lungs. It was the pain pills, probably, and I still had to be careful, but at least I could walk. Eventually laundry got boring and dusting was boring and TV was boring. Grabbing my sketch pad and sitting in the living room, I closed my eyes, trying to think of what to draw. But as soon as I closed my eyes and tried to focus, all I could see was the church. The fire. I pushed away thoughts of the fire and thought about the church itself, sketching out the building before I couldn't do it anymore. It made me think of the fire…of Johnny. I didn't want to see my friend die. Not again. Groaning, I dropped the sketchpad on the coffee table, turning back to the TV.

I hated being inside all day. Grabbing my book, I headed outside, sitting on the porch and leaning back against the window. I would get to go out with the guys soon enough, but in the meantime, I was sick of being stuck at the house. Forcing myself to focus, I stared down at my book, managing to read for a while. I kept thinking back to Johnny, though. Kept thinking about our fight, and how he'd run off. I missed Johnny. I wanted to talk to him. Wanted to ask him about his dreams and what he'd seen. But it wasn't like I could go find him on my own.

The phone rang around noon, and I answered, not surprised when it was Sodapop. "Hey, kiddo. How's it going?"

"I'm bored." He chuckled.

"Sorry, Pone. Hey, Two-Bit came by with your homework. He had to duck out of work early. His mom needed a ride to work. He said he'd meet us at the track tonight."

"Want me to come pick it up?"

"Nice try." I could hear his dry grin over the phone. "Dally should be by in a little while with Johnny, and maybe you two can go out. Alright?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Clean the house, will ya?"

"I already did."

"Thanks. Darry will appreciate it. The State's gonna come by sometimes this month to take a look around." I heard Steve in the background and Soda called back an answer, then came back on the phone. "I gotta go. Eat something and don't forget to take your medicine, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. See you later."

"See ya." Sighing, I headed into the kitchen and put a sandwich together, dropping back onto the sofa and going back to my book and the TV, barely giving any attention to either and wishing I could call Johnny. A few times I thought about slipping down to his place, but he probably wasn't even there, and besides, what if he didn't want to talk to me? I decided to just leave it until he came with Dallas.

Dally came by the house at two, passing me up and headed straight for the kitchen. Dropping the book I'd been half-reading, I looked back at our door, but no one was with him. Marking my place and putting the book on the table, I stood, glad once more we'd finally found pain pills that worked, even if I did have to cut them in half. I was almost out of antibiotics too, and I'd be glad not to have to take pills every day.

"Where's Johnny?" I called, following him into the kitchen.

"He ain't coming." I stared at him, leaning in the doorway as he grabbed some bread and bologna out of the fridge. "Said he might come later, but he had homework to do or something." Dally shrugged, taking a bite.

"Oh. Alright." Nodding, I went back into the living room, picking up my book but not opening it. Johnny had Gone with the Wind. I wondered again if he'd want to read it anymore. I hated having him pissed at me.

Dally joined me in the living room, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels. "What have you been doing here all day, kid?"

"Nothing." I shrugged. "Never thought I'd miss going to school." He snorted, shaking his head.

For a while, he watched TV, eating his sandwich while I fidgeted on the sofa, then pulled out a deck of cards. "Wanna play?" Nodding, I scooted forward, glad to have something to distract me. "How's the side?"

"Better." Nodding, he threw a card down, and I drew one, discarding it almost immediately. "You seen those socs around?" I wondered.

"Nope. Haven't heard anything else either. I went down to talk to Tim this morning, and he said the same. None of his gang has heard much. Then again, they've been doing more fighting than talking with socs these days. Its harder to get information when they're pulling blades on sight. Things are getting bad out there, kid." He put four queens down, discarding again, and I picked up a card, putting three aces down. He snorted, drawing again, then discarding. I picked up his jack, putting it down with three more I had. "You and Johnny play this stupid game too much." He complained, and I laughed a little.

"War gets boring. So does poker when we've only got two people, especially when we're both broke." He rolled his eyes but stopped complaining. "I could get a job, except Darry said no."

"Yeah, and he's going to keep saying no 'til you're at least sixteen. You'd better pay attention in school. Focus on that, then worry about getting a job." I nodded, not about to argue.

I won the first two games we played, and Dal won a third before we headed out to the DX, this time on foot. "What happened to the car?"

"Buck needed it back today. I gotta get mine fixed." I hummed in agreement but didn't complain. It was nice to walk outside…a nice change from the inside of my house.

It was close to five when we got to the DX, almost closing time. There weren't any cars in the parking lot except for Steve's and one other one, probably belonging to the customer we saw through the glass being waited on by Steve. Steve glanced over at us, nodding through the glass, then went back to ringing the guy up. "I'm gonna grab some smokes." Dal told me, pulling the front door open.

"I'm gonna go find Soda." He nodded, giving a half wave as he headed inside.

Figuring I'd find Sodapop back in the garage, I headed down the alley between the DX and the fence that went around the side of the place, separating it from the building next door. It was just starting to get dark, and I hurried back toward the garage, stopping when someone stepped in front of me, blocking my way. I froze, knowing immediately it wasn't Sodapop. I took a step back, but the footsteps behind me made me pause again. Glancing back, I found Eric Jacobs flanked by two socs, all three grinning at me. Clenching my hands into fists at my sides, I glared at Randy.

"What do you want?" I asked, hoping I was loud enough for Dally, Steve, and Soda to hear. I knew I should have just started screaming. It would have been smarter, but I still hated for these guys to think I was a coward. I didn't need to cry for my buddies to come bail me out. Even as I thought it, I knew it was stupid.

"Hey there, kid. Where you going?" Randy asked, his voice friendly. I ignored his question, hands still tight at my sides, ready to swing. He took another step closer, and I watched his hands, but they were crossed in front of him at his chest.

"Just going to see my brother." I told him, hoping he took the hint, and that my brother really was close by. He nodded.

"Yeah? Your brother took off a few minutes ago. Don't think he'll be back for a while."

"Yeah? Well, guess I'll just head back in…"

There was a pinch in my lower back…that's all I really noticed. Just a pinch, and Randy grinned a little in the dim light behind the DX. I wanted to call for Steve and Dally, and Soda too, since I had no idea if he was lying or not. I was scared…guess I was a coward after all. I took a few steps back, surprised at how difficult it was to coordinate that, and ran into someone...Eric. He shoved me forward and I stumbled, turning back to find him grinning, a switchblade in his hand. A bloody switchblade.

"Told you you were dead, greaser." He laughed a little. The surprise seemed to wear off them, and it was just like when I pulled the switchblade out of Bob. Everything went full color again, and I gasped, the pain in my back deep and shocking.

I opened my mouth to scream then, but a hand grabbed the front of my shirt, and I didn't even see the fist that knocked me flat on the ground. It must have been Randy. It was all so quiet, not like I'd thought a fight with Randy would be. I thought he'd want to scream at me or something for killing his buddy but he seemed to know that I knew what I'd done. I knew I deserved this. At least Johnny was nowhere around. At least they couldn't hurt Johnny. He knelt over me, one hand balling up the front of my shirt, the other pulling back and punching me in the face again. He still didn't yell, though.

"Hey!" I recognized Dally's voice, and he must have chased them off…they went pretty easy, but it seemed they'd gotten what they wanted. What had they wanted, though? Dazed as I stared at the ground in front of my cheek, I couldn't figure that part out. He'd just…jumped off me? I couldn't make my brain remember that. "Shit kid, I told you not to wander…off. Ponyboy?" Dally knelt beside me and grabbed me by the front of my shirt, starting to pull me up, but my ribs throbbed and my back gave me a sharp reminder that something was wrong, making me yell and jerk away from him. He let go of me, swearing. I wondered where Sodapop was…I'd thought he would be back in the garage. Wouldn't he have heard all this? Then again, there hadn't been much noise.

"Kid? You alright? I'm gonna kill those guys…here." He dropped a hand on my shoulder. "You hit your side? Come on, kid. Let's get you inside, alright? Then I'm going after that…" He hesitated when I didn't move, still gasping for breath. "Ponyboy?" He paused, shaking my shoulder a little. "Kid?"

I was laying mostly on my side now, and I brought a hand back to where the pinch had been, groaning, then held my hand up in front of my face. It was wet. Why? Had I fallen in water or something? Oil maybe…we were by the garage behind the DX, right? Man, my back was killing me. "Dal…I think…something's wrong. It hurts." Dally swore again, this time sounding scared as he touched my back, right above my hip on the side. I was getting real cold, which was probably why my hands were shaking. Or maybe it was blood. "What happened?" I asked him, reaching out and grabbing his jacket sleeve. That jacket had saved my life.

"Shit." He shouted the curse, slamming a hand down on the ground. He was suddenly real serious, grabbing my shoulder to get my attention. "Hang on, kid. I gotta get some help, okay. We gotta call…"

"You saved my life, ya know?" I interrupted, suddenly needing to tell him. "Got me out of the church." I mumbled, my eyes closing, and he slapped me on the cheek, not real hard, but just to get my attention. "Ow."

"Shut up, kid. I didn't do nothing in a church. There wasn't a fire." He didn't sound too sure of that.

"But you're dreaming about it too."

"Shut up, kid! Where the hell is Steve?"

"I'm cold, Dal." I muttered, my voice starting to slur which confused me. I cleared my throat then, but ended up coughing instead. He ripped off his jacket, covering me with it and shaking his head.

"Steve, get out here!" He screamed for our buddy, sounding real freaked out. Like he had with Johnny, which made me worry.

"Is Johnny okay?"

"Kid, Johnny is fine which is more than I can say for you."

"I couldn't let you guys die, ya dig? I had to do something."

"What?" He shook my shoulder. "Kid, shut up, alright?" He was pressing something against my back, putting pressure on it, and I flinched a little but didn't complain. No one told Dallas Winston to stop doing anything. I had to explain this, though.

"I told them…I'd do anything to save you. You and Johnny. That's what they're asking me. In your dream. What I'd do. And I said anything." My eyes closed again, not opening when he hit me again.

"Shit! Steve! Get out here! Steve! We need help! Kid, sit tight a second. I'll be…"  
"Don't worry, Dal." I mumbled, gripping his sleeve. "This is my anything."  
"What the hell are you…" I didn't let him finish, even if he sounded more upset than angry.

"I said I'd do anything. This is my anything. And it's worth it." Dropping my head, I prayed that whoever I'd made this deal with originally had heard that…had seen how much I meant it, and that they wouldn't listen to Johnny who would no doubt blame himself. Hopefully I was the only one who got to make deals. Dally swore again, reaching down and grabbing me under the shoulder.

"Don't do this, kid." He was mumbling it now, shaking me a little. "Okay? You're gonna be fine. You gotta stand up now. Okay? C'mon. I ain't gonna leave you out here. Ponyboy!" He hauled me up, an arm under my shoulders as he straightened, and my legs threatened to give as I tried to cooperate, gasping as the pinch in my back became a sharp pain.

I cried out, trying to pull away, but he held on, stubborn as he moved us forward.

"I know it hurts, kid. We gotta get you inside. Come on."

"Where's Soda?" I bit out, making an effort to walk with him out of the alley.

"Probably neck deep in that asshole's car. I'm gonna set the damn thing on fire!" I wanted to remind him that they'd already fixed Randy's car, but I couldn't really get the words out and walk at the same time. He walked with me toward the DX, and we finally made it to the door. I heard Steve swear inside, and then he was on my other side, hauling me through the door.

"What the hell!"

"Yeah, where the hell you been? Where's Sodapop?" Dally demanded, dragging me forward another few steps. I clenched my jaw, caught between the pain in my ribs and the new pain in my back. My face probably hurt too. Hadn't Randy punched me in the face?

Steve seemed to talk a mile a second…I could barely keep up. "Went out to look at someone's car with Jack...they broke down about a mile out. What happened?" They were holding me up between them, but Dally was moving away.

"Randy. We gotta get him to the hospital." Dally bit out, and I wondered why he sounded so freaked out. It had just been a pinch. Right?

"No way. I got him. Go call an ambulance." Steve lowered me to the ground, kneeling with me and patting me on the cheek while Dally jumped behind the counter, grabbing the phone. "You know you're bleeding on the floor, kid?" Steve asked, his voice forcibly light.

"Sorry about that." I rolled my eyes. "Guess you'll have to get off your ass and do some work."

"You're a little shit." He was smiling a little though, when I looked up at him, holding something against my back. His eyes were wet, though. What did Steve have to be crying about? He took a deep breath, looking over at the door for a second. I heard Dally telling someone something about the DX on the phone. "We're gonna kill Randy." Steve told me quietly, his voice cold. "Who else was with him?"  
"Randy didn't do it. Eric did."

"But Randy was there?"

"Yeah." I hissed when a jolt of pain went through me as he pressed too hard. "You wanna ease up?" I mumbled, watching the room around me spin and blur.

"You wanna bleed to death?" He shot back.

"Not particularly." I slurred, finding it harder and harder to speak. The pain had spread around my lower back and into my stomach…even my chest was hurting.

"Then shut up." He adjusted the jacket that Dally had wrapped around me, muttering under his breath.

"Where's that ambulance?" I wondered, shivering on the cold floor.

"Where's your brother, that's what I wanna know." He grumbled as Dally said something else on the phone. I felt myself slipping a little, my eyes closing. Steve ran a hand through my hair, reminding me of Soda, his voice a little choked as he spoke once more. "Hey, don't you go to sleep, kid. Not now. Tell me what happened."

"I was going to the garage to find Soda…thought he'd be back there. Randy stopped me…didn't think he'd jump me here."

"Yeah, he ain't gonna jump anyone ever again because I'm going to break his damn legs! Then I'm gonna hold him while your brother does the rest. Hey! Wake up!" He ordered, shaking me again. I groaned, trying to put my hand against my back, but it was too hard to move.

"Where's Soda?" I wondered, trying to figure out if he'd already told me that.

"Kid, he should be here soon, okay? Stay with me." He squeezed my shoulder. "Dal! Grab me a rag! Kid, do not fall asleep or I'll brain you, savvy?"

"Hey, Steve?" I muttered, wondering if he could understand me.

"What, kid?" I felt my eyes close again and I let them. This hurt a lot, so sleep sounded pretty good.

"Can you tell Johnny…it was worth it?" He shook me, hard.

"I ain't telling Johnny anything, you little shit!" And then I let myself sleep, smiling a little and wondering when I'd come to think of 'you little shit' as a term of endearment.


	24. Dally's Regret

Dally's Regret

I'd watched Steve ringing up the last customer, eyeing the cigarettes behind the counter. Figuring he wouldn't much care if I swiped a pack, I walked up to the counter. As I had approaching the cigarettes, however, I'd stopped as another person had walked in, the bell over the door chiming as they started to look around. It hadn't been anybody I knew, not a soc and not a greaser, just some middle aged guy that went straight to the food, so I'd headed up to the counter, stepping back where Steve was ringing up the guy, and grabbed a pack.

Cigarettes always made me think about the kid. Before all this, Ponyboy had been the biggest weed fiend of all of us, smoking more than he probably should have. He's started less than a year ago but was already smoking more than the rest of us. Anytime he was nervous or worried or angry, he'd pull out a smoke, and Darry would sigh, rolling his eyes, sometimes telling the kid how awful those things were for him, sometimes just keeping his trap shut. I'd started smoking at eleven or twelve, so I couldn't really lecture him about it.

When the second guy had gotten in line after browsing for a few minutes, I'd given up on talking to Steve and decided to join the kid and Soda. Steve had given me an apologetic shrug, nodding to the second guy in line, and I'd headed out, stepping into the alley and freezing for a half second as I'd tried to make out what was happening in the dim light. The kid was on his back, Randy kneeling over him and slamming a fist in his face. "Hey!" I'd shouted, racing forward before I'd even been aware that I was running. As soon as they'd seen me, they all started running, and I hadn't been too worried about chasing them down. I had figured I would get to them later. Instead, I'd knelt beside the kid, touching his shoulder and trying to get him up, but he'd yelled, jerking away, making me freeze again.

Reaching back, he'd touched his back, bringing a hand up that, even in the dim light from the alley, had shone red wet with blood, and my heart had all but stopped. "Dal…I think…something's wrong. It hurts." They'd stabbed him…that soc had actually stabbed him. I'd put a hand against his lower back, thinking that if they hadn't gotten his kidney, they'd been close. He needed a hospital. Now.

Steve's hands shook as he held the rag I'd thrown him to the kid's back. "I ain't telling Johnny anything, you little shit!" He snapped, jaw clenched as he shook him a little. His words jerked me back to the present and I stared down at the kid. Pony's eyes closed and he seemed to deflate, his eyes closing, his hands going limp. "Ponyboy!" Steve shook him, his hand pressed against the kid's back, the rag turning red. I moved over to the kid's head, tapping his cheek, but he was out. He swore under his breath, moving his other hand to the kid's side. "Come on kid…don't do this." He mumbled, gripping Ponyboy's arm. "Shit, please don't do this…"

I tapped his cheek again. Nothing. "Where's that ambulance!" I snapped, glaring at Steve like all this was his fault, when we both knew it was mine. I'd been so focused on getting a pack of smokes that I hadn't gone with the kid. I'd thought that he'd be fine. He was just going to the garage out back! I was gonna kill those socs. For real this time. Then the kid's brothers were gonna kill me. And I didn't blame them.

I pressed my fingers against the kid's throat, waiting. I wasn't a doctor but his heart was beating so that was a good sign. Placing a hand over his mouth, I felt him exhale, coughing a little. At least he was breathing. "Dal…"

"He's breathing. Keep pressure on his back." I ordered.

"He's bleeding bad." Steve sounded as scared as I felt, but I shoved that feeling away. The kid was going to be fine. He was always fine. Then him and Johnny could go back to reading that stupid book and they'd both be fine.

The kid had been disappointed when Johnny hadn't showed up with me. I knew they'd had an argument the night before. It seemed Johnny had been having the same dreams as the kid…the same ones I'd been having. I tried not to think about it too much, but his words came back to me as I sat by his head, keeping an ear out for the ambulance. "I told them…I'd do anything to save you. You and Johnny. That's what they're asking me. In your dream. What I'd do. And I said anything." It didn't make sense. And he'd told me I'd saved his life…gotten him out of a church. In a fire.

There was no way the kid could know about that church. It was a hideout, abandoned for years now out in the country that I'd heard about from some friend or another, and had planned on using it if I ever needed to get out of town for a while. I'd been about to send Johnny and Ponyboy there when they'd showed up at Buck's that night. That's where I would have stashed them until things died down. But Ponyboy had told us he wasn't leaving. He'd insisted on going home. So I'd never brought it up. No one knew about that place but me, so it wasn't even like the kid could have made it all up.

So what? They'd gone to the church? I'd somehow sent them there, and then there was a fire that I'd saved the kid from? But not Johnny. Was that why the kid was always asking about Johnny? And what he'd said in his sleep…I'd lose it if Johnny died. I couldn't really argue with that, not that I'd ever say it out loud. But…if something had happened…what had the kid done? He said he'd made a deal with someone? Who? God? I'd never been to church in my life, nor did I spend a whole lot of time thinking about higher powers, but that didn't seem like something God would do. From what I'd heard, God didn't go around making deals with greaser kids. Or maybe I was wrong. None of it made any sense. "That's what they're asking me. In your dream…I told them I'd do anything to save you."

My heart clenched and I bit down hard. This kid was something else. I squeezed his arm, trying not to think about his last words to Steve. "Tell Johnny it was worth it." It wasn't worth it. The socs, the kid getting hurt, not even able to go to school…none of it was worth it. Ponyboy coughed again, his hand moving back toward his back, but I caught his arm. "Come on, kid. Don't do this." I muttered, squeezing his arm. "Please, Ponyboy."

The sirens came then, but neither of us moved, even when the paramedics came with a stretcher, a man and a woman that both looked grim when they saw the kid. They were asking us questions, but I didn't hear them until one of them touched my shoulder and I almost slugged her. I turned to glare at her, but the lady didn't seem bothered.

"Sir, we need you to let us help your friend. What's his name?" She asked, her voice gentle. Friend? He was like my kid brother. These people were the only family I had and some time between being introduced to this kid a few years ago and now, he'd become important to me. It had been stupid of me to let this happen…heaven knows my life would be easier without these two kids to look after, but damn it if I could change this now. This kid couldn't die. Not now. He was fourteen years old with two brothers by blood, and four more that were as good as blood that loved him and needed him around and he couldn't die now.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat, watching Steve scoot away, his hands not leaving the rag against the kid's back until the paramedic took over, keeping pressure on the place where that asshole had stabbed him. "His name's Ponyboy Curtis." Recognition flashed in the woman's eyes but she just nodded, keeping her face neutral as she pressed her fingers against his throat. Steve brought his knees up as he sat against the counter, his hands red with the kid's blood, and I thought for a second I might throw up. But I couldn't lose it. I wasn't gonna lose it. The kid would be fine and…

The front door flew open then, but the paramedics didn't even turn, instead easing the kid onto the stretcher, my old leather jacket, the one that had been my father's, still draped over him. Sodapop stood in the doorway, and I could see the blood drain from his face as he looked from his little brother to Steve, his red hands shaking, and I jumped to my feet, grabbing him before he could rush to his brother's side. "Wait…they gotta get him to the hospital." I reminded him, shaking him a little. He stared at me, apparently not understanding, and shook his head.

"What…what the hell happened! Shit…Dally…what…"

"Those socs…they were in the alley behind the DX...one of them stabbed him. He…"

"Where the hell were you!" He all but screamed at me, shoving me away. I held up my hands, wondering if he was about to hit me. I wouldn't really blame him. I wouldn't hit him back, either. I deserved it. I should have been with the kid.

"I was coming inside…he was just gonna run back and look for you. We thought you were in the garage. I didn't know…" I tried to explain.

"You were supposed to stay with him!" Soda shoved me again, and the paramedics started to look concerned, since we were between them and the door and it probably looked like we were about to start fighting.

"Move." I grabbed him by the sleeve and yanked him to the side, but as soon as they were rolling the stretcher out of the building, he was at their side, firing off questions and reaching for his brother's hand. Steve was climbing to his feet, and I grabbed a clean rag from the counter and tossed it to him, watching Soda follow his brother out to the parking lot where they were loading the kid into the ambulance. "Go with him." I told Steve, running a shaky hand through my hair.

"Someone's gotta tell Darry…" He mumbled.

"Man, go with Soda. I'll tell Darry and find Two-Bit and Johnny. Alright?"  
He sighed, shaking his head. "Yeah…alright." He looked over at me, wiping his hands still. He looked scared, eyes still wet, and I pretended not to notice…and pretended I wasn't fighting the same thing. "Dal, you don't think…"

"That kid's gonna be fine," I told him, jaw clenched as I snapped at him.

"I called him a 'little shit.'"

"Yeah, that's cause he is one. Now go on. Ride with the kid." He reached into his pocket, tossing me his keys, and hurried off to catch up with Sodapop and the kid while I grabbed the phone from the wall, taking a deep breath and then dialing Darry's boss using the phone behind the counter.

The guy answered; a man whose name I didn't catch and didn't care to, and barked out the name of the construction company Darry worked for. "I need to talk to Darrel Curtis. It's an emergency." I spoke as quickly as I could get the words out, my hand in a fist at my side, the other gripping the phone so tight I almost felt the plastic crack. I'd need to lock up behind me. If the DX's owner had a problem with that, he could come talk to me.

"Who is this?" He demanded.  
"Just tell me where he is! His little brother's in the hospital!"

The guy mumbled what sounded like 'again' but I didn't have the time or the energy to get into with this asshole, so I just got the address of the place and jumped in Steve's car, locking the door to the DX behind me. Pushing the gas pedal to the floor, I peeled out of the parking lot and raced down the road to the house where I immediately spotted a bunch of guys on the roof, all shirtless, all yelling at each other and probably anxious to finish up for the night. I jumped out of the car, running over to the ladder. "Hey! Where's Darrel Curtis!" I shouted, cupping my hands over my mouth, hands shaking. Darry was gonna kill me. I mean, I deserved it, and I didn't back away from a fight. Hopefully, he'd save that for later, though. I needed to make sure the kid was okay before the big one killed me.

After a few minutes of the guys mumbling to each other, Darrel appeared, peering down at me, then climbed down the ladder, hopping down and facing me, arms crossed. "Dal? What's up, man?" He asked, looking concerned, then seemed to pale as my eyes heated up. "Dally?" He reached out, touching my shoulder, but I shook my head, stepping back. I didn't want to be that close considering the news I was about to give him.

"I'm sorry, Darrel," I mumbled. He reached out again, but I jerked away. It wasn't like I went around apologizing so he was understandably freaked out. Forcing the words, out, I went on. "They stabbed him. Those socs…they stabbed your brother. The one from school…Eric." He went real still, his hand dropping to his side, and I braced myself for it. "He went to find Soda behind the DX…they were waiting for him. I'm sorry, Darrel. I'm sorry…I went inside instead of going with him and…man I should have been with him." I ran a hand through my hair again, blinking hard as I tried not to think about the kid, telling me something was wrong. Holding up his hand covered in blood. How he'd told me it was worth it.

"Is…is he…" Darry was fighting hard to keep talking, his hands too tight at his sides, his whole body shaking, jaw trembling.

"They stabbed him in the back. We called an ambulance at the DX. Soda was out helping someone with their car, but he got back in time to ride with him. Steve went to." I swallowed hard, ready to face up to this. "It's my fault. Hit me if you want, Darrel." I told him, arms limp at my sides as I stared at the ground. He didn't, though. Instead, he pushed past me, running toward his truck that was parked on the road and jumping in, jamming his key in the ignition. Sitting in the cab of his truck, he suddenly brought his hands up, slamming them down onto the steering wheel, then sped off. That was worse than him hitting me, somehow.

I drove to the lot by the Curtis house, not knowing how to find Two-Bit at this hour and torn between wanting to stay away from the hospital for as long as possible and to get back right as soon as I could. Two-Bit could be anywhere from his house to a bar to the racetrack, and I didn't have time to go hunting for him. We would just have to try and call him from the hospital. Stopping at a gas station on my way to the lot, I jumped out of my car, grabbing the phone and calling Tim's house. I doubted he'd be home, but it was worth a try.

Surprisingly, the familiar voice picked up. "Shepherd house. This is Tim." He answered, sounding bored.

"Tim, it's Dallas."

"Oh. Hey, Dal. How's it hanging, man?" I squeezed the phone, closing my eyes for a minute then ignoring his question.

"They got to the kid," I told him, keeping my eyes closed as I leaned my forehead against the cold metal on the side of the phone booth. "Ponyboy. They stabbed him."

"Shit. Is the kid…"

"He's alive." I snapped, not angry at him but angry in general. They'd stabbed a fourteen-year-old kid in the back behind a gas station. It wasn't bad enough that Randy had broken the kid's ribs…he'd needed to try to kill him too. "They took him to the hospital. His brothers are with him."

"Who was it?" This was what I'd been counting on it.

"Randy, Bob's pal. And some kid named Eric Jacobs. Ponyboy said Eric did the actual stabbing.

"So the kid was talking? That's a good sign." He told me dryly. "You still wanna rumble?"

"No. I want them. Both of them. And whoever else was there."

"Dead?" I didn't. I wanted them alive so me and Darry and Sodapop could kill them ourselves. But that kid needed Darry and Sodapop. If those two got caught killing someone, they'd get hauled off for murder, and the kid would get put in foster care. It would be satisfying to kill them myself, but I'd be the first person the cops would finger for their murder.

"Beat the shit out of them. Break their damn legs if you want. Leave 'em in a ditch." Ponyboy would tell the cops what had happened, and then the cops could scrape the socs out of whatever ditch Tim left them in.

"No problem. Hey…tell Darrel and Sodapop to holler if they need anything. Alright? I hope the kid's okay."

"He'll be fine." Hanging up, I put the phone back on the receiver and jumped back in Steve's car, heading over to the lot.

Johnny was laying on his back, hands folded under his head. He sat up when I approached, though, looking worried for a second, then grinning. "Hey, Dal!" He called, jumping up and meeting me halfway. "I thought you guys were going to the race tonight?" He glanced past me, looking suddenly wary. "Is Pony with you?" I shook my head, hating the words as I said them.

"Johnny, you gotta come with me, alright man?" I jerked my head toward the car. "It's Ponyboy."

He looked even more suspicious now, watching me close with narrowed eyes. "What? Where?"

"The socs…they got him. Stabbed him." He froze, eyes going wide as he started to shake his head.

"What? He…what…"  
"They were waiting for him behind the DX. Eric stabbed him in the back. He's in the hospital." Johnny started backing away from me then.

"No…Dal…"

"Come on, kid. We gotta go."

"No. Dally…it's my fault. I…should have been with him."

"Man, none of this is your fault." I tried to reach out, but he jerked away, biting down hard on his lip.

"I would have gone with him. I would have been…Dally…I would…"

"Johnny, we need to get to the hospital. If…" I swallowed hard, running a hand through my hair. "If something happens, you're gonna want to be there."

"If something…"

"He got stabbed in the back, Johnny," I mumbled, hating myself. The kid couldn't die. Not now. He was too young. I was supposed to be watching him. Why hadn't I just asked him to wait a second…or gone with him! Reaching out, I grabbed Johnny by the shoulder, squeezing hard. "We need to go. Come on."

He was silent until we reached the car, him climbing in the passenger seat, his head against the window. "Is he gonna die, Dal?" He murmured as I drove, my foot almost touching the floor as I sped toward the hospital. I didn't answer, not at first. I couldn't. If that kid died...what he'd said before, in his sleep and then in the parking lot at Dairy Queen, suddenly hit me hard.

He thought that I'd lose it if Johnny died, and that was probably true. But he was wrong about the second part…that I wouldn't 'mind so much' if he died. I didn't know how I'd cope with that…losing the kid. Losing a part of my family. Knowing it was my fault. Why hadn't I gone with him? I'd been a few hundred feet away when they'd stabbed him, inside a building right beside him. If he'd screamed, I might have heard him. I mean, Steve had been back in the storeroom after I'd gone outside…when I'd been yelling for him, but I probably would have heard him from the store. "Dally?" Johnn's voice broke a little and I forced myself to pay attention.

"The kid ain't gonna die, Johnny."

"But what if he does?" I didn't have an answer for him, and when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, we both jumped out, hurrying into the waiting room where I felt a wave of…I think the kid called it 'deja vu.' Something about 'seeing something before.' It was like before, when the kid had been in the hospital for his ribs after the police station. Soda was leaning against Darry's shoulder, his eyes red. He didn't even look up at me. Beside him, Steve kept a hand on his buddy's shoulder, his other hand in a fist as he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes as red as Soda's. Only Darry was dry-eyed, jaw tight as he stared straight ahead, an arm around Sodapop's shoulder. This was my fault.

Johnny went to sit beside Steve, and Steve turned to him, mumbling something and ruffling his hair. I stood beside them, keeping my distance from the brothers. "Heard anything?" I mumbled, arms crossed. Steve glanced up, swallowing hard.

"They took him back for surgery as soon as we got here. Threw Soda and me out here. We ain't heard anything since. Darry tried to get them to talk when he got here but…the doctors said they won't know nothing until he's out of surgery."

"Anybody try to get ahold of Two-Bit?" I asked, glancing over at Darry who didn't even look at me. Guess he was pissed after all. Couldn't blame him for that.

"Not yet."

"Alright." Turning, I puled a couple of dimes from my pocket and headed over to the pay phone at the end of the waiting room. If I sat down, I'd start thinking about the kid and how he'd looked up at me, scared and hurting, and how he'd yelled when I'd pulled him up, how he'd almost fallen right back down had I not been holding him up. No, I needed to keep moving.

I dialed Two-Bit's house, but his little sister answered. "Hey kid, it's Dallas. Where's your brother?" I asked her, trying to sound less pissed than I actually was.

"Hey, Dally. He ain't here."

"Any idea where he went?"

"Nope. Sorry."

"Alright. Can you tell him I was calling?"

"Yeah…is everybody okay?"

I hesitated, tapping my finger against the phone. "No." I finally told her. "Tell him to come to the hospital if you…" I paused as Two-Bit himself came through the door to the waiting room and I waved him over. "Actually, wait. He just got here." I pulled the phone away from my ear. "Your sister," I told him. Solemn, he held out a hand, and I placed the phone in it.

"Hey, hon." He paused for a moment, and I heard her talking on the other line. "No, don't worry about it. Everyone's gonna be fine. Tell mom I won't be home tonight, okay? I'm crashing with the Curtis's." He hung up, turning to me, arms crossed. He hadn't been drinking much recently, not since the kid ended up in the hospital the first time, so it was no surprise that he was sober. "What he hell happened, Dallas?" He demanded. Normally I'd knock someone's teeth out for talking to me like this, but he wasn't wrong. This was my fault.

"The kid went out behind the DX to find Soda…those socs were waiting for him." Two didn't ask where I was, but I told him anyway. "I went inside for a minute. I thought he'd be with his brother, man. I never thought those socs would do this right behind the DX." Two-Bit nodded, lips pressed in a tight line. "It's my fault. I know it is…man…I should have been with him." Two reached out and gripped my shoulder.

"Those socs have been after Pony since he stabbed Bob. You knew that."

"Yeah, so I should have been with him!"

"They were gonna find a way."  
"So I should have killed them already!" A few of the other people sitting in the waiting room gave me a nervous look, and I sighed, running a hand through my hair and stepping back from Two-Bit. "Tim's on it."

"Yeah. One of Tim's guys was at the track. Told me what happened to Pony…that I needed to get over here. Anybody said anything about Ponyboy?"

"Nah, man. He's in surgery."

Two-Bit nodded, heading over to Darry and dropping into the chair on his other side. I stood by the payphone, leaning against the wall, until Darry looked up, meeting my gaze. He wasn't crying like Soda, but he was close.

"You gonna stand there all night?" He asked. I guess it was dark out…we were supposed to be at the track. I was supposed to be keeping an eye on the kid while we watched a race. His brothers were supposed to be with him. This was supposed to be his first night out in a while…we was supposed to be having some fun before our rumble with the socs. Instead, because of me, we were in a hospital waiting room again, hoping that kid didn't die. So was I gonna stand there all night, or was I gonna go find the socs that had done this and help Tim take care of them? I glanced at the door, leaning toward the second option. "Dally?"

"Hm?" I asked, glancing back at Darry who was leaning forward, gesturing for me to come over.

"Sit down, man. It's gonna be a long night." I hesitated for a minute. I wanted to kill those socs. I wanted them dead. They deserved to die for this. "Dal? Come on." He gestured again, a warning in his eyes. If those socs ended up dead and I didn't have a real good alibi, those cops would have me locked up so fast it would make my head spin. Taking a deep breath, I nodded, heading over and dropping into a chair across from Ponyboy's brothers. Tim would take care of the socs. Before we dealt with Randy and Eric, I needed to see which way this was going to go.

The cops showed up after about an hour, as did a social worker that pulled Darry and Soda aside while I answered the cop's questions, Steve chiming in with whatever information he could. Just this once, I had no problem turning these socs into the cops. I just hoped that Tim got to them before the fuzz picked them up.

"Mr. Winston?" I jumped a little, turning away from where Soda and Darry spoke to that social worker on the other side of the room.

"Yeah?"  
"You said Eric Jacobs was the one to stab Ponyboy Curtis?"  
"Yeah. He was standing behind him and stabbed him in the back. When I came into the alley, Randy was sitting on him…he punched him in the face."

"Did you actually see Mr. Jacobs stab Ponyboy?"

"No." I gritted my teeth, and Steve stiffened beside me. "But Ponyboy told me it was Eric."

"Hm…" The cop nodded and I fought the urge to punch this asshole in the face. If these idiots wouldn't get those socs, I knew someone who would. But this would all go a lot better if the fuzz were the ones to arrest Randy and Eric. After this, they'd be watching me and the gang, if not Tim. They probably had no idea that Tim cared about the kid. Besides, Tim could watch his own back. For the moment, I was more concerned about the kid.

The cops left after a while, the social worker going with them. Darry and Soda dropped into their chairs once more while Two-Bit and Steve headed down to the cafeteria to grab some food for everyone. "Who was the social worker?" I asked, sitting across from them.

"Adam Summers…the guy I had a meeting with Wednesday." Darry ran a tired hand over his face, sighing.

"They ain't giving you trouble?"  
"No…said, uh…he said to call if we needed anything."

"Sounds like a decent guy."

"Yeah. He is. None of this is our fault. Pony wasn't in a fight…he got attacked." He cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair. He was getting as bad as Soda for fidgeting, while Sodapop just sat slumped against his brother's shoulder, eyes wet as he seemed to ignore both of us. Darry just rubbed his back, not even trying to talk to him. He'd been the same with the social working from what I could tell. But I wasn't too worried about Soda. As long as Ponyboy was okay, he would be too. That's how those two worked. Darry cleared his throat again. "It ain't your fault neither, Dallas."

"Darry, you ain't…"

"It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known they were waiting for him. I know you wouldn't let anyone hurt Pony." I swallowed hard, not bothering to answer. It didn't matter if Darry blamed me for all this. Not really. What mattered was the kid being okay. And he would be. He had to be.


	25. Sodapop's Fear

I was bawling like a baby and I didn't care. If any of the guys wanted to rib me about it, they were welcome to. Not that I really thought they would. Steve looked almost as upset as I did, which was kind of a surprise. I mean…I knew him and Pony didn't really get along, even though it was like he'd actually been making an effort to be nice to my brother lately. He kept looking down at his hands, still shaking, and I remembered how he'd been sitting on the floor, hands red, his back against the counter. I remembered how Dally had been sitting back, watching the paramedics sit with my little brother…the pool of blood growing under Ponyboy's back. They'd stabbed my baby brother.

They'd told me they were taking him into surgery first thing. Sitting in that ambulance beside my brother had been the scariest thing I'd ever done, and I felt for Darry who'd had to do it the first time. Nothing dramatic had happened…I'd thought it would be full of yelling and pounding on his chest, but the paramedics murmured directions to each other as they sat by his sides, Steve and I crammed in the back against the door, sitting at his feet. "Keep pressure." That's what they'd said several times, holding my brother on his back and holding a rag to his lower back. Another had sat by his face, the woman, fiddling with the mask over his mouth and holding his wrist, looking concerned but not flat out terrified like I was.

As soon as we'd gotten to the hospital, the woman had rolled him away while the man had turned to me, dropping a hand on my shoulder. "He has to go into surgery. We believe that knife hit his kidney. He's lost a lot of blood. You can wait in there." He'd pointed toward the waiting room, running off between the closing doors, being met by doctors who took a chart from his hands as he listed off words like 'bp' and 'heart rate' and 'transfusion.' Words I'd wanted nothing to do with.

Darry had put his arms around me as soon as he'd burst into the room, finding me in a chair beside Steve and holding me close. I'd been bawling since the ambulance, so I doubted I could stop now. He'd dropped into the chair beside me, keeping an arm around me and rubbing my back. My kid brother couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. He read poetry for fun, damn it! He sat on our porch and watched sunsets and had nightmares about fire and I had to hold him for almost an hour to get him to calm down...he wasn't the kind of kid to get involved with shit like this, except they'd attacked him and he'd just been trying to save Johnny! And as soon as I saw him again…as soon as Ponyboy looked up at me and told me in that voice he used when he was beyond sick of being asked that he was okay, I was gonna beat the ever living shit out of Eric Jacobs. Hell, I might even kill him. But not yet. First, I had to make sure my little brother was okay.

The social worker, the guy from before, Adam Summers, was actually pretty cool. He'd showed up when the cops had, after Dally had brought Johnny up, and after Two-Bit had somehow known to come. I'd guessed Dally had gotten ahold of Tim somehow. For a minute, I'd thought Dally was gonna go after them socs, but Darry had asked him to stay, even though he hadn't said so outright, and so Dal had dropped into a chair with the rest of us, camping out in the waiting room until the fuzz and that social worker had showed up. Right before all those people came, Darry had tried to get a nurse to talk to him, but she hadn't had much information, just that Pony was in surgery. Something about his kidney. I knew it hurt like hell to get punched in the kidney, so I hated to think of Ponyboy getting stabbed there. Could they fix it? Or could you live without one? Why the hell hadn't I paid attention in biology?

Mr. Summers, or Adam, as he asked us to call him, ushered us over to a secluded spot in the waiting room while Dal and Steve talked to the cops and Two-Bit sat by himself, watching it all silently, his jaw tight, his chin against his chest. The social worker had leaned with his elbows on his knees, looking genuinely worried, which was kind of weird. Even though our usual lady was okay, I never got the impression that she'd actually be upset if something happened to one of us. "I just heard about your little brother. I'm so sorry…have you heard anything?" This was a good sign. I'd been afraid he was just going to haul me off and then I'd have to punch him in the face. Then they'd really take me away from Darry.

"No." Darry had cleared his throat, shaking his head. "They took him back to surgery less than an hour ago. He, um…they got him in the kidney, according to the nurse, but she couldn't tell us anything else. That guy, Eric Jacobs, had been bugging him at school. I asked him to stay home the rest of the week. I was worried they were gonna hurt him at school." His voice broke a little and I knew he was fighting real hard to hold it together. That was more than I was able to do. "He was just looking for Soda." Darry sounded like he was begging, but I didn't know for what. I'd flinched at that last part. If I hadn't gone to help that guy with his car, I would have seen Ponyboy. I would have been with him. I wouldn't have let them hurt him.

"I was working…I left the station to help some guy with his car…me and another guy from work. He needed a jump and called us. I…I should have just stayed." I'd all but sobbed, hating myself for being such a baby but knowing that it wouldn't stop until I knew he was okay. Adam had nodded slowly at me, exchanging a glance with Darry. I knew he didn't get it. I didn't know if even Darry got it.

I wasn't good with words like Pony. He was smart, smarter than I'd ever be, and I was so proud of him for that. Still, I couldn't really explain myself very well, even though when I talked to my brother, he always got me. And I knew he felt the same. He'd said it before, back when we were kids and he'd been mad at our parents or Steve or someone for something. He'd turned to me when I'd come in, sitting on the bed and dropping a hand on his shoulder. "You get it, Soda. You always get it."

He wasn't like the rest of us…even Johnny, who was different, wasn't quite the same, but I didn't care. He was my baby brother. He liked poetry and sunsets and read too much and dug movies. He was too smart for his own good, but always had his head in the clouds. He had nightmares, first about things he couldn't remember, then one about a fire that scared me to death. I remembered him waking up a few nights ago, actually sobbing against me, begging me not to send him back to the fire. As far as I knew, Ponyboy had never been in a fire in his life, but for some reason, he'd dreamt about one almost every night since he'd gotten home from the hospital.

Now, with my little brother in surgery for the second time that month, having lost too much blood…it was like I wasn't okay either. It was like I was the one being cut open. It hurt, but in my chest, like it was being cracked open. My heart ached, and every once in a while, the thought would sneak by. What if we lose him? What if I never see my little brother alive again? Part of me was in that room with him, and if he didn't make it, that part of me would be gone, too.

"I'm going to head back to the office. Let me know if you need anything." Adam murmured, holding out a card to Darry, and he took it, thanking him quietly. I hated hospitals. They were too quiet, or too loud, when nurses and doctors ran by, trying to save people's lives. People died here. My little brother could die here.

Darry led me back to our seats as Dally and Steve finished up with the police. They had nothing to ask us…we hadn't even been there. I hadn't even been there. This was my fault. If I had just been in the garage where I was supposed to be, I would have heard. I would have seen him. I would have protected him.

"What if he dies, Dar?" I asked suddenly, the words falling out before I could stop them, and I closed my eyes as soon as they were out, dropping my head against Darry again. My brother didn't answer. I don't think he could.

"The kid ain't gonna die."

"Why weren't you with him!?" I snapped, glared at Dally's meager attempts at comforting me. "Why the hell didn't you go with him to the garage, huh? Was getting a pack of smokes that important? You couldn't wait a few minutes? Was it too much trouble, huh? Was watching my kid brother too much of a hassle for cool Dallas Winston?" Steve elbowed me hard, then.

"Quit, Soda." To my surprise, Dally didn't say anything, just clenched his jaw and glared down at the ground. "You know it ain't his fault."

"It's mine." The quiet voice from beside Dally made me pause and I turned to Johnny, honestly confused, the anger melting away.

"Johnny, it ain't…"

"I didn't go with them 'cause I was still upset with Pony about…well, it don't matter what. I was upset and I didn't go with him. If I'd have been there, I would've walked back there with him, and I could have helped him."

"He told me to tell you it was worth it, Johnny." Steve mumbled then, cutting in. I felt Darry stiffen beside me, and I wiped my eyes, turning to look at my buddy. Johnny just shook his head, but Steve went on. "He kept asking if you were okay…it really freaked him out, when those socs almost killed you in that park. He wanted me to tell you that it was all worth it." Steve shrugged, uncomfortable. "That's what he asked me to say before he…before he passed out." Dally jumped to his feet then and stormed over to the wall, bringing back a hand and slamming it into the wall, the wallpaper cracking around his hand.

"Shit!" He screamed it, his voice hoarse, and the nurses at their desk all paused for a second, looking worried. He didn't say anything else though, just touched the place with the hand he'd punched it with, his head falling forward as he slumped against the wall, and they all went back to their business. For a second, I thought about approaching him…but he might swing around and punch me next, considering what I'd said about it being his fault, so I just kept my mouth shut.

Despite everything, I somehow managed to fall asleep, barely dozing but still asleep until Darry was shaking me, squeezing my arm. "Wake up, little buddy. Come on." He mumbled, and I sat up, rubbing my eyes and glancing over at Steve who was leaning against the wall, mouth open as he slept. If we weren't in a hospital, I would have dropped something in his mouth. At the moment, though, my attention was caught by the doctor walking over toward us.

"Time is it?" I mumbled, sitting up and stretching.

"Almost ten." He told me, standing and shaking the doctor's hand. The doctor nodded to me, glancing at our friends who were all asleep in the chairs around us.

"Mr. Curtis, your brother just came out of surgery. We have him sedated but he should come out of it by tomorrow morning at the earliest. He was running a fever, but we have him on fluids and antibiotics."

"Um…can we see him?" Darry asked, running a tired hand through his hair, squeezing my shoulder.

"It would probably be best you went home and got some sleep. He shouldn't wake up until morning."

Darry stiffened, his hand on my shoulder tightening a little. "We ain't going home. I want to see my brother." The doctor nodded slowly, glancing at our friends.

"Family only." He warned. "I can take you to his room."

Darry nodded, grabbing Two-Bit's shoulder, shaking him. "Wake up, man. They're gonna let us see Pony." I did the same to Steve, and Two-Bit groaned, rubbing his neck and nudging Dally who woke up immediately, looking around in confusion.

"What's going on? He mumbled, scratching his head. "The kid alright?"

"He's out of surgery, Dal. They're gonna let us see him." Two-Bit told him softly, then shook Johnny, telling him the same thing.

Steve looked up at me blearily, grunting a little when I shook him, the others standing around us. "Pony's out of surgery, Steve. They're gonna let us go to his room." Immediately he was up, pushing himself out of the chair and shoving his hands in his pockets, staring at the doctor expectantly. The man cleared his throat, turning to Darry.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but at the moment it is family only." The doctor reminded us, something I fully intended to ignore.

"They're family." Darry told him dryly, and I lifted an eyebrow, crossing my arms, both of us daring him to argue. Around us, our friends stood, all rubbing their eyes tiredly and looking worried. Nodding slowly, the doctor turned and we followed him down the hallway past the nurse's station and through the double doors that led toward the patient rooms. I stuck close to Darry, the guys walking behind us, until we finally reached his room, the doctor talking the whole way.

"We had to remove your brother's kidney. There was too much damage for us to repair. We will have him on antibiotics and pain medication for the next few weeks, although if he wakes up and is eating on his own by tomorrow, you may be able to take him home as early as Sunday. He will be sore and will need to be on bed rest for at least a week." I smiled a little. He was gonna love that. Glancing at Darry, I knew he was thinking the same thing. He smiled faintly, shaking his head. But we'd keep him in that bed if we had to tie him there.

The doctor opened the door to his room and all thoughts of tying him to a bed vanished. Darry reached out, gripping my arm, and it was a good thing because it felt like my legs might give out. He was so pale…he looked dead. A mask was over his face, once more helping him breath, tubes sticking out of his arms and going to the bags on poles that surrounded him, wires going from under his shirt to the machine next to him. It beeped steadily, telling me that his heart was beating. His chest barely seemed to move…for a minute I thought he wasn't moving at all. Darry squeezed my arm, almost holding me up, and I took a second, taking a deep breath then stood upright, realizing that I'd been leaning on him almost completely.

He had a black eye, and his lip had been split. A bruise covered his cheek from what I could see, and I remembered Dally telling us that Randy had hit him. It wasn't bad enough they'd stabbed him…Randy had to punch him in the face too. Other than that, his face seemed whiter than the sheets he was laying on. I was gonna kill him. Darry let go of my arm, glancing over like he was making sure I wasn't going to fall, then moved over to Pony's side, not touching him but just standing. I joined him, leaving our friends by the doorway, and the doctor said something about visiting hours which I ignored. If they wanted me out of this room, they'd have to tie me up and drag me.

I reached out and took his hand, then reached out to brush his forehead, moving the hair there and flinching when I felt how hot he was. I squeezed his hand gently, trying not to disturb the tubes whose jobs I didn't know. "He's hot, Dar." I mumbled, rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand. Darry moved to his other side, running a hand over our brother's hair.

"He has a fever, remember?" Steve asked, coming up behind me and touching my shoulder. I didn't respond and he took a deep breath, reaching out and tucking the blankets more firmly around him. He always got cold when he had a fever, alternating between throwing off his blankets and begging for them back, grasping around in the dark. More than once, when both our parents were at work, I'd sat by his side, tucking a blanket around him and running a hand through his hair.

Right after our parents had died and he'd started having nightmares, we'd done the same. He's curl up under the blankets and shake while I wrapped a blanket around him, rubbing his back and telling him it was going to be okay. I wanted to do the same thing now. I wanted him to hear me while I told him it would be okay. And he would believe me because I was his big brother and he trusted that I would make things okay. And if I couldn't make things okay, I'd get Darry and he would make things okay because he was our big brother. That's how things worked.

Johnny dropped into a chair by the door, and Dally slid down the wall beside him, crossing his legs and leaning against the wall. Two-Bit and Steve both came to stand beside us, Steve putting a hand on my back and Two-Bit putting a hand on my little brother's shoulder. "He's gonna be fine, isn't that right, kiddo?" He asked gently, squeezing my little brother's arm. "He's just resting for now. Huh, Pone? Man, are you gonna be pissed when you wake up. You'll be back in bed for a week. No smoking for you either, I'll bet."

"You got that right." Darry mumbled, taking my brother's other hand. I just stayed beside Pony, not wanting to sit or even move. I wanted my little brother to wake up. I needed my little brother to wake up. Soon. They'd said sometime before…maybe he'd wake up in the morning. I could stay up that long. I didn't have to work in the morning, and Darry was off the next day. We'd just stay until he woke up, then Darry could take him home on Sunday. Probably. The doctor had said that we might be able to take him home Sunday, if he was feeling okay and eating by then. "You guys can go home if you want." Darry told the guys, clearing his throat a little.

"Not a chance, Dar." Two-Bit grinned a little, patting Ponyboy's shoulder gently, glancing over at Steve who nodded, his hand firm on my back.

"Yeah, man. It's not like Two-Bit's got a job to go to, and we never go to school anyway." Darry chuckled quietly, and Dally snorted behind us. Glancing back, I grinned at Johnny who halfheartedly smiled back.

"We'll get the kid home by Monday and everything's gonna be fine." Dally spoke up, reaching up and punching Johnny in the arm.

"We'll have to reschedule the rumble." Steve reminded us, but Dally shook his head.

"There ain't gonna be a rumble." He told us, and I turned back to my brother, brushing his hair back again and pressing my hand against his head. The others all turned to him, waiting for the shoe to drop, but he just smiled a little. "Tim's gonna take care of those socs. I guess by the time the fuzz gets to 'em, they'll be happy to be off the streets. Tim said to holler if you two need anything."

"Thanks, Dal." Darry mumbled, and I turned my attention back to Pony who hadn't so much as stirred. "He just got out of surgery, little buddy, remember? He ain't gonna wake up for a while. I'm gonna go see if a nurse can bring us some more chairs." He tilted his head toward Johnny who'd taken one of the only two chairs in the room, but Two-Bit pat my brother on the shoulder then moved past us.

"I'll take care of that, Dar. You two stay with Pony. Steve, wanna help me out?" Steve nodded, leaving us alone, or as good as, because Dally looked like he was on his way back to going asleep and Johnny had dropped his head back against the wall.

For a long moment, Darry and I were silent, both of us holding one of Pony's hands, and every once in a while I leaned in and pushed his hair back. "They won't let him go to school. Walking around town is dangerous. Hell, he can't even walk from the freaking DX to the garage out back!" I fought the urge to slam my hands down onto the bed, but I was scared I'd mess up one of the tubes or wires that, for all I knew, were keeping my kid brother alive. "What the hell, Dar? What's he supposed to do? Hide in the house forever?"

Darry shook his head, leaning in and propping his elbow on the bed. "Pony should be able to tell the cops who stabbed him, even if they don't believe Dally. Without Randy or Eric around, those other socs should lay off pretty fast."

"What if he can't tell the cops it was them?"

"Then we'll take care of those socs ourselves." As much as I agreed and wanted to kill those socs myself, I knew that if we got caught, not only would we go to jail, we'd probably never see Pony again. Still, it was tempting. They thought they were tough, beating up a 14 year old kid. Let's see how they fared against me and Steve.

"Don't even think about it." Surprised, Darry glanced over at Dally, and I turned to him, confused. It wasn't often that Dally wasn't up for hunting down socs, especially ones that had messed with our friends. He ran a hand through his hair, glancing up at Johnny. "Pony needs you two. Let Tim take care of it. You know he likes beating up socs."

"We don't need Tim getting in trouble on our account."

"He can fend for himself. Besides, he likes the kid." He shrugged. "For now, just stay with the kid. He'll want you to be there when he wakes up." Darry just nodded, giving me a look that probably matched my own for surprise. Dally must have been really freaked out.

A few minutes later, Two-Bit and Steve came in carrying two folding chairs each and plopped them down by my brother's bed with an annoying metal screech. Darry gave them a dirty look, but Pony didn't even stir. My heart sank. I would have rather that woke him up. He looked dead. He looked worse than he had on that stupid pain pill that had knocked him out for so long. He'd have to take more pain pills now…right? He'd had surgery again, but this time they'd taken a kidney out. That had to hurt.

I mumbled a thanks when Steve pushed a chair over to me, sitting down at my brother's side and keeping a hold of his hand. At least when he woke up, I'd be there. He wouldn't be scared. He wouldn't be alone. He'd been alone when those assholes had attacked him. They'd stabbed him in the back and…

"You alright, Pepsi cola?" Darry mumbled, and I glanced up, sniffing hastily and wiping my eyes.

"Yeah." I swallowed hard. "I'm fine."

"He's going to be okay." I nodded, praying he was right. Steve pulled his chair over to me, patting me firmly on the back. I appreciated him coming. I knew he didn't always get along with Pony, but I also knew that the two of them had been getting along better than usual lately. Anyway, I knew he didn't want anything bad to happen to Pony. Every one of our buddies had our backs, even if I was pissed at Dal at the moment.

It had been an honest mistake. Who would have thought that Pony would be in danger just walking back from the gas station to the garage? Dally had thought I was back there. He wouldn't have left Ponyboy alone if he'd thought my brother was in any danger. It had been an honest mistake…an honest mistake that had gotten my little brother stabbed.

Two-Bit pulled a metal folding chair over to Steve's other side, leaving one for Dally who climbed to his feet and put the chair against the wall beside Johnny. I sat up straight, seeing the two of them slumped against the wall, wiping my face again and rubbing my thumb over the back of Pony's hand. It was going to be a real long night, but I certainly wasn't about to fall asleep before he woke up.


	26. Being Sure

Glory but it was dark. It felt like I was laying down, but I couldn't be sure. I couldn't really feel much. I tried to move my hands, starting to worry when they wouldn't. I couldn't even find my hands…which made no sense. I tried to turn my head next, but that didn't work either. Someone was talking, but I couldn't make out the words. Giving up on that, I went back to trying to move. When it didn't work, I started to panic. Fighting to breathe, which, thankfully, I still seemed to be able to do, I fought to move, but no matter how hard I tried, I seemed to be stuck. I couldn't find my arms, much less move them.

Then someone squeezed my hand, their thumb rubbing back and forth over the back of my hand, and I calmed a little. At least I still had hands. I had no idea who was touching me, but I had a feeling it was probably one of my brothers. I wasn't sure why I couldn't move, nor why one of my brothers was holding my hand. But nothing hurt so I figured I was okay. Then the voice came back and I swore silently.

"What would you give?" I couldn't remember why I was somehow disconnected from all my limbs, nor did I know why I couldn't move. But I remembered that voice, strange and far-off, genderless and intense. "What would you do to save them?"

I couldn't find my mouth, so I thought as loud as I could. "I already told you! Anything! I killed that soc. I saved Johnny. I saved both of them."

"Was it worth it?" That question made me pause for half a second. I thought about the social worker and the broken ribs and the fear and school and…something about an alley. An alley and a switchblade. And Dally. What did Dally have to do with it? My thoughts wouldn't go in a straight line, and I couldn't figure out why. Still, I answered the voice that kept pestering me.

"Yeah. It was worth it." I told whoever it was. For a second, I thought about whoever I was talking to. They had the power to give me a do-over, so they obviously had the power to undo everything I'd done. "It was worth it! I don't' want to go back! Please…it was worth it!" The voice was quiet then for a moment, and I was left in the darkness alone again. I almost missed the voice but hoped this meant they would leave me alone.

"Are you sure?" Suddenly, I was standing in a hospital room. Glancing around, I found all the guys. Darry and Soda were sitting on either side of a bed, their hands both holding someone's. I couldn't see the person for Soda, though. Steve was leaning against the wall behind Soda, drinking a coke and staring at the floor. Two-Bit fiddled with a cigarette from where he sat close to Darry, spinning it around in his fingers. Dally and Johnny sat in chairs against the wall, looking half asleep but worried.

I stepped over to the bed, reaching out for Soda, but I couldn't make my mouth work. I settled for touching his arm instead, but he didn't even look at me. I shook his shoulder but he didn't move, just shuddered a little. I started to go over to Darry, wondering if something was wrong with Soda, but suddenly I caught sight of the person in the bed. It was me. And I looked awful. My lip was swollen and my face was bruised, one eye purple and black. Tubes went from my arms to the machines that surrounded me, and under my shirt, there were wires that attached to a beeping machine that I assumed measured my heart rate.

Then the machine started beeping, louder than before, an awful, blaring noise that made everyone in the room jump. My body on the bed didn't stir, but Darry jumped to his feet and Soda leaned in, gripping my hand. "Pony? Pone!" He called, shaking me a little, and Steve jumped in, grabbing his arms and pulling him back. "No…Steve he…" Then there were doctors and nurses, seeming to move right through me, but all I could see Soda fighting against Steve who gripped his arms, dodging punches. "Ponyboy!"

"Soda, let 'em work. He's…" I couldn't stand watching my brother like that, his eyes wet as he fought his friend. Darry stood against the wall next to Two-Bit, his own face pale, his mouth open. Against the far wall, both Dally and Johnny were standing, Johnny looking sick, Dally looking furious.

One of the doctors shook his head, shouting something, and a nurse took off, not glancing at any of the greasers in the room. The beeping faltered a little, and I flinched, reaching up and touching my chest. It hurt. Groaning and reaching out to catch myself against a chair, I felt my knees give out and knelt on the floor, gasping for breath I couldn't quite catch.

"Don't you do this, kid. Don't…Ponyboy, don't…" Dally was mumbling, so I was surprised I could hear him over the nurses and doctors all yelling at one another.

"...crash cart!"

"We're loosing…"

"Get them out of here."

"No!" Soda's scream went through me, even though my body didn't actually react. I was still, that mask covering my face, and one of the doctors had his fingers pressed against my throat, shaking his head. One of the nurses stepped toward Soda, her hands out as she started to usher him out, but he screamed again, fighting Steve and staring to take a swing at her until Darry hurried over, grabbing his around his arms and holding him close. He shook, his forehead against Soda's head, crying like he had at the hospital…the other hospital. I didn't know if this was the same hospital…or why I was in the hospital.

Suddenly everything was still. The doctors paused, the beeping turned to one long, constant drone, and my chest felt like it was exploding. "Are you sure?" The voice asked again, drowned out by Soda's screaming.

"No! Ponyboy! He can't…no!" He fought Darry this time who seemed about to collapse, leaning in and holding Soda close, his whole body shaking as his tears seemed to soak Soda's hair. Steve dropped back against the wall, dropping his heads in his hands, his shoulders shaking as he shook his head.

"Shit…kid…" He whispered, and I turned from where I knelt to look at Dally.

"Shit! Don't do this! Ponyboy don't!" He all but screamed, his voice joining Soda's. Beside him, Johnny sank down to the floor, his head dropping to his knees. Two-Bit stayed by my bed, the closest now that Darry was holding Soda. He was pale and red-eyed, shaking his head and reaching out, his hand finding mine. I looked down at my hand, feeling it despite the fact that I was kneeling in the middle of the room.

"C'mon kiddo…don't do this. Please. We can't…we ain't the gang without you Pony. Please." He squeezed my hand and I tried to squeeze it back. The doctors were saying something else, and I turned from Two-Bit back to my brothers who were holding one another, ignoring the doctors who spoke to them.

"Infection…after the surgery. I'm very sorry."

"Are you sure?" Suddenly I got it. I could live or Dally and Johnny could. I looked over at them, twisting on the ground and ignoring the pain in my chest. Johnny was sobbing into his knees, Dally shaking and pointing at me as he ordered me to stop, to wake up…not to die. The same thing he'd asked of Johnny. My life for theirs. I thought about Johnny in that hospital bed…Johnny, who'd never even left our neighborhood, and Dally that had saved me from that fire and who I thought had tried to save me again. I couldn't remember. My brothers would be okay. The gang would get over it. It wasn't like I was a good fighter or street smart or anything else. I was different. Johnny and Dally deserved to live. I wasn't about to take that away from them.

"I'm sure." I thought it firmly, unable to speak as I watched my brothers cry, holding one another in an unfamiliar hospital room. And then it all vanished and I was back in the darkness.

I couldn't move anymore. My limbs had gone back to that nothingness, and I was paralyzed again. But I could almost feel someone holding my hand. I thought back to the pain in my chest…to the beeping and the doctors and the screaming. Was I dead? Was this what death felt like? I could feel my heart speed up at the thought, the fear making it pound, which confused me because I hadn't though my heart would still be beating if I was dead.

"Am I dead?" I thought it as loud as I could, hoping whoever I was talking to or bargaining with could hear me. "Hello?" But there was only the silence again, so I gave up, letting myself fall into the darkness and sleeping.

I woke again, again in the nothingness. The voice was silent once more, so I tried speaking to it. "Am I dead?" I asked, my mouth working this time.

There was silence, then someone squeezed my hand. "No…" They answered, their voice weak and pained. "No, honey, you're not dead." Someone pushed my hair back, and I wondered who was sitting with me. "Ponyboy? Can you hear me, kiddo?"

I thought back to the screaming and the pain…I thought I was dead. But if I was alive…what about my friends? "Is Johnny okay?"

"He's fine, Pone. Open your eyes, okay?"

"Is Dally okay?"

"He's fine. Everyone's fine…we're worried about you though, kiddo."

"What? Why?" I mumbled, finding it strange to hear my own voice sound so weak.

"I just need you to wake up, okay? You've been asleep for a while."

"Soda? He awake?" That was Darry…where was he? Where was Soda? Where was I!?

"Soda?" I called, trying to turn around and find him, but hands on my shoulders held me still.

"Yeah, it's me, honey. Wake up. Don't move, just open your eyes, okay?"

"Ponyboy? Kiddo, can you hear us?" That was Darry, and I was sure he touched my head even as I lay in the darkness. I could feel my hands now, and my arms, but in exchange for this apparent miracle, my side and stomach were killing me. I groaned, trying to shift off of the spot that radiated heat and pain, and someone touched my shoulder again. "Ponyboy?"

"It hurts, Dar."

"I know it does, little buddy." My hair was pushed back from my forehead and someone took my hand. Maybe Darry.

"I thought I was dead."

"No." Darry cleared his through, sounding like he was crying, just like Soda. "You're not dead, kiddo, but you sure scared us something awful." I opened my eyes then, blinking a few times in the sudden brightness. Soda was sitting beside me on my left, his hand on my head, constantly moving hair back from my forehead. Darry was on my other side, his hand in mine, and I gave a weak smile when he did. "Hey there, Pone."

"Hey…what happened?" I wondered, shifting again in the bed and flinching when it just hurt more. Deciding to stay still, I dropped aginst the pillow, fighitng the urge to close my eyes again.

"You can't remember?" Soda asked, concerned as he rested his hand in my hair.

I thought back. Screaming. Nothingness. Doctors. Before that…it was fuzzy. Maybe walking around town with Dally. "No." I mumbled, shaking my head and looking over at Darry. "Hurts, whatever it is."

"What's the last thing you remember?" Darry wanted to know, leaning in. He looked so tired, with dark rings under his eyes and stubble on his jaw. I wondered how long he had been here.

"Um…walking with Dally? I think…I think we were gonna go see Soda?" I coughed then, wishing I had some water, and as if he'd read my mind, Soda held out a plastic cup, his hand under my shoulders helping me sit up, and I managed to drink some of the water before falling back against the bed, bringing a hand to my side and clenching my jaw. "Damn, that hurts." I groaned, and surprisingly Darry didn't reprimand me for the swearing. Instead, he gripped my shoulder.

"I know it does, kiddo." He squeezed my arm gently.

"You were coming back to the garage to see me…but I was out helping someone with their car. Randy and Eric cornered you…that asshole stabbed you."

"Which asshole?" I asked, blinking heavily and making him smile a little.

"Eric, according to you. That's what you told Dally and Steve."

"Dally and…Steve?"

"Yeah, Dally ran them off, and he and Steve stayed with you until the ambulance came." Soda told me.

"Oh…when…was that?"

"Two days ago." Darry spoke up. Ah…at least it was only two days this time. "That first night was pretty rough. They had to take out your kidney, and you had an infection after the surgery. Your fever was pretty bad. We thought we were gonna lose you there for a little while kiddo."

"I don't need a kidney?"

"Apparently not." Soda smiled a litte, and I was sure he'd thought the same thing.

"The doctors said you'd be alright with just one." Darry told me.

"Where's Johnny?" I asked, looking around the small hospital room past Soda only to find it empty.

Soda kept that hand on my head, which felt pretty nice as he pushed my hair back. "He went home last night. The nurses finally made the guys clear out around midnight. They were cool about it thought. They told us the danger was all past and you were doing a lot better. They told us the guys could come back for visiting hours this morning."

"Oh…what day is it?"

"Monday morning. Almost seven-thirty." Darry told me. "Visiting hours start soon, so they'll probably be here."

"And I came here…"

"Friday evening. Around six. You woke up a couple of times, or we thought you did. You had a pretty bad fever, though, so you were just mumbling most of the time, telling us you were hot…that you didn't like bologna. I thought you liked bologna." I shook my head at Soda.

"I don't like it." I told him…then realized what he'd just said. It was Monday morning! "Don't you guys have work?"

"No way we were leaving you, kiddo." Soda murmured, smiling a little ruefully.

"You guys didn't have to…"

"Don't even say it, Pony. We weren't leaving you. Work will get along without us for a couple of days." I didn't argue. We couldn't afford it, but I didn't want to fight with Darry over it.

The doctor came in, glancing at the monitors around me and asking a couple questions, bringing up a finger and having me follow it as he shone a light in my eyes. He asked about the pain which I told the truth about (it hurt like hell) and asked if I felt up to eating (I didn't.) That seemed to disappoint Darry and Soda, but they didn't say anything when I glanced over at them.

Darry followed him out into the hallway where they stood, talking too quietly for me to heard. I glanced at Soda, but he didn't look too worried. "What are they talking about?" I asked, blinking tiredly. Soda yawned a little.

"Don't know, kiddo. You've still got a little bit of a fever, and the doctors were worried about you not eating. That's probably it."

"I'm not hungry."

"Yeah, I know. It's alright." He yawned again and I did too, my eyes growing heavy. But before I fell asleep, I tried to scoot over, hissing at the pain as I moved over to the other side of the bed. "Pony! What are you doing? Sit still." His hands hovered and I grinned faintly, patting the bed beside me.

"Thought you were tired." He smiled then, not hesitating before he climbed into the bed beside me, accepting the blanket I held out to him.

"Just for a minute…tell me if I hurt ya."

"Mhm." I mumbled, my head dropping down onto his shoulder, and I felt him laugh quietly before he dropped off, his head against mine, and once more I was in the blackness, but this time, someone was with me.

The next thing I knew, someone was talking and moving beside me. "Some of us were up all night." Soda was saying, laughing tiredly. I mumbled, trying to move, but someone touched my arm, holding me still. "Don't move around so much, Pone." Soda mumbled, squeezing my shoulder. I grumbled at him, shaking my head, and he chuckled. "You awake?"

"Mhm." I nodded, opening my eyes and finding the guys all standing around my bed. "Time is it?" I wondered.

"Almost noon. You hungry yet?" Soda asked, and I shook my head, the thought of food not at all appealing.

"How you feeling, kid?" Two-Bit asked, stepping forward and dropping into a chair beside Soda and me.

"M'alright." I yawned, blinking a few times over at him. He was sober, but his eyes were red-rimmed and I remembered the screaming and crying from my dream. Had any of it been real? "Where are Eric and Randy?"

"Don't you worry about them, Ponyboy." Steve told me, stepping forward next to Soda. Behind him were Johnny and Dally who were both looking at me funny…like I was supposed to be dead. I had the strangest feeling they were right…I was supposed to be. "Tim took care of them, and the fuzz picked 'em up. They'll probably wanna talk to you though. If you remember." I shook my head, past being surprised that Steve was being friendly. It seemed hospital beds made him a little nicer.

"I can't." I admitted. "I just remember walking with Dally to the DX. Then I woke up here."

"That's alright. Dally saw 'em."

"And if they still don't believe us, Tim'll take care of the rest." Dally told me, his eyes dangerous. I nodded, not about to argue.

"Guess I'll be missing more school, huh Dar?" My brother laughed a little, but he didn't look amused. Not really. More scared. How accurate had that dream been?

"Pone, that's the least of my worries right now." He reprimanded, but his voice was gentle.

"How long do I gotta stay here?" I asked.

"The doctors haven't told us." Darry told me. "Right after the surgery, they said you could probably go home after a day or two, but since you got that infection and had that fever, they said they wanna keep you for a few days." I nodded, not arguing. I still felt…off. Like I wasn't quite there, and for a while as they all sat by my bed and talked, with me and with my brothers, I couldn't help but feel it was a dream…like I was gonna wake up and I was really gonna be dead. The voice had been quiet since that last question, but I was alive and so were Dally and Johnny and it didn't make sense. I'd thought that I had to die to save them, and I'd been ready to do it.

"You alright, kid?" Two-bit asked, his gray eyes stormy and serious. I wondered what they'd been talking about, but didn't bother asking. If they knew I was just zoning out, they might start to worry. As it was, all other conversation had stopped and they were all looking at me.

"Yeah…I'm just tired." I didn't mention the fact that my ribs were killing me and my lower side hurt more than anything and my stomach was sick and that I felt like I should probably be dead. That would worry them a lot more than just zoning out. I had a feeling that Darry suspected, though, because right after I assured Two-Bit that I was okay, my brother seemed to give some kind of signal, and the guys all stood up, Two-Bit taking the lead. "I guess I'll be going, Pony." Two-Bit told me, reaching down and squeezing my shoulder. "We'll see you tomorrow, alright? I'll bring you some real food. Sound good?"

"Yeah. That sounds just fine."

"Good. Get some rest. I'll see you all tomorrow." He waved, Darry thanking him for coming, and the others all followed suit, except for Dally. He hesitated in the doorway, meeting my eyes for a second, and I could have sworn his eyes were red-rimmed…like he'd been crying or something. Of course, when he turned with a wave and left, I figured I'd just been seeing things. I was awful tired and sore, and besides, Dally didn't cry…not over me. He had over Johnny though…or he almost had. Either way, I closed my eyes and fell asleep again to Darry telling Soda that it was the pain meds putting me to sleep, despite the fact that I desperately wanted to talk to Johnny and Dally. Maybe they knew something. I hoped Darry was right, regardless. I hoped it was all somehow real and that somehow, we all got to live.


	27. Company

When I woke again, I felt somewhat better. I was still in the hospital, which was apparent as soon as I'd opened my eyes...I'd been hoping to wake at home this time. My back wasn't hurting so bad, but my stomach still felt sick and my ribs were sore. Groaning a little, I moved my head to the side, opening my eyes and looking for my brother. Soda was asleep beside me in the bed again, far enough away in the tiny bed that he wasn't touching me, and but other than him, the room was empty. I thought about waking him, but I figured he was awful tired. Who knew how much sleep he'd had over the last…well, however long I'd been asleep. I wondered where Darry was but I supposed he'd had to go back to work. I hoped Soda wasn't missing work because of me too.

Resting my head back on the pillow and trying not to move, I stared at the ceiling for a while, my eyes drooping despite the fact that I had been sleeping for…a while, I assumed. I looked around for a clock but didn't find one. Of course the hospital room didn't have a clock. I shifted on the bed again, the pain starting to bug me. My stomach was killing me and I had no idea how to get more pain meds…or if I even had pain meds. I assumed I did. I'd been…stabbed. I think. Stabbed in the back. The kidney. I tried to remember what they'd said about that. Did I really not need a kidney? I think I had two. I couldn't remember much about waking up before. Just that I'd been tired and the guys had been here…and Dally had been upset. That was sticking out in my head for some reason.

I wanted to fall asleep again. Sleep had been painless. I wanted painless back. Soda snored beside me but I still couldn't bring myself to wake him. Instead, I tried to shift off of my back, wishing I had access to aspirin. I couldn't get on my side though, and kept my head on the pillow, closing my eyes and hoping I could fall asleep again. I didn't, but a nurse did come in after a minute, a pretty girl a little older than Darry probably. She smiled a little at me, picking up my chart and glancing at it for a minute. "You're awake, Mr. Curtis. How are you feeling?" She asked quiet enough that she wouldn't disturb Soda, ignoring my brother but speaking quietly so she wouldn't wake him. Grateful for that but still in pain, I shrugged.

"It hurts." She nodded, putting the chart down.

"I'm sure. I'll go to see if I can get you some more pain medicine. Would you like some water too?" I nodded, thanking her when she handed me a cup and then took it from me when I was done, putting it back on the table. "I'll be right back." She assured me. I thought about asking what time it was, or where my other brother was, but figured it would have to wait when she hurried out.

She came back with a doctor, a tall guy that gave me a brief smile before looking back down at my chart. I wondered what the heck was on that thing. "I'm guessing the pain medicine we've given you have worn off, Mr. Curtis. How are you feeling?"

"Um…my stomach hurts." I told him, shrugging a little, trying to play it off and also desperately hoping he'd give me some more pain meds soon. Now that I was really waking up, my ribs were hurting too. "My side too."

"Yes, you came in with broken ribs, it seems." He put the chart down, glancing over at my brother and smiling faintly. "I'd like to check the incision on your back. Do you think we could manage without waking your brother?" I gave Sodapop a once over. His mouth was wide open, his head resting on his own shoulder, leaning back against the wall behind my bed.

"Yeah. I think he's out." The doctor came over, standing right at my side, and the nurse approached then, her hands out and the doctor helped me sit up, his hand on my shoulder. I bit down hard on my lip, trying not to yell or anything in front of the nice nurse…or my brother for that mater. But it hurt something awful, and the nurse caught my shoulder, squeezing a little as she helped me sit up. The doctor poked around my back and I felt all my muscles tense as I fought the urge to turn around and take a swing at him. Glory it hurt.

After a minute, the nurse helped me lay back down, and I felt sweat drip down my temple. I wiped my face, trying to control my breathing so I wouldn't wake Soda, and the doctor fiddled with the tube for a second. The meds seemed to hit all at once, and I felt my eyes droop. Dropping my head against my big brother's shoulder, I felt myself get back to a painless, dreamless sleep.

"He gonna wake up any time soon?" It felt like I'd just closed my e

yes and felt a wave of irritation when the voice continued. "He been asleep all day?"

"He woke up for a few minutes yesterday, according to the doctor." Oh good…Darry was back. I wondered where Sodapop was, but I couldn't get myself to move. The pain was back and my stomach felt sick and I just wanted to sleep. Someone ran their hand through my hair, their fingers resting on the back of my head. It seemed like something Soda would do but I couldn't hear him.

"What did the doctor say?" The person, who I realized was Two-Bit in my half asleep state, wondered, sounding too serious.

"He said he was in a lot of pain, but the doctor said the incision site was healing alright, and there's no infection anymore."

"He ate anything yet?"

"No. That's what all these tubes are for, I guess. The doctor said his stomach was hurting too, and that's probably why he wasn't wanting to eat."

"When he eats, you can take him home?"

"That's what they said at first." Darry sounded upset about something, but I couldn't figure out what. "After he had that infection…they might wanna keep him."

"When's Sodapop get off?"

"A few hours."

"You gotta get going?" He sighed, and I figured that was his hand on my hair. "Go ahead, Dar. I'll stay with him."

I got the feeling that Darry wanted me to wake up, and I fought to do so. Sure it hurt, but he sounded worried. I couldn't get my eyes to open, so I tried to move my mouth instead. "Dar?" I mumbled, turning my head a little. "Darry?"

"Hey, Ponyboy, you awake kiddo?" That wasn't Darry and I frowned a little "Pony?"  
"Where's Darry?" I didn't want Darry to be worried anymore. I wanted to talk to him.

"He left about a half hour ago kiddo." That was Two-Bit patting my shoulder. "How are you feeling?" I tried to open my eyes, finally succeeding and staring up at him and trying to figure out how Darry had left a half hour ago when I was sure he'd just been there, taking with Two-Bit about be. "Ponyboy?"

"I thought Darry was here." I told him, feeling my eyes droop as I lay my head back, slumping against the pillow.

Two-Bit was sitting in a chair beside the bed, leaning forward and watching me carefully. "He was. Sodapop spent the night, then he went to work this morning while Darry stayed with you. They're taking turns." I blinked, nodding a little, trying to process this. "You woke up when we were all here two days ago, then the doctor said you woke up for a few minutes yesterday. It's the pain medicine they've got you on…doctor said it's supposed to keep you out of it until you're feeling better.

"Oh."

"Quite the conversationalist while you're on drugs, huh kid?"

"What?" He chuckled a little, messing up my hair. I brought up a lazy hand to swat at him. He still looked worried though, eyebrows together, the smile on his face not quite genuine.

"You sure scared the crap outta me, you know kid?" I nodded, remembering the scene before. I didn't think I could really forget that.

"I know." He lifted an eyebrow, smirking a little.

"You do, huh?"

I let my eyes close, but didn't let myself fall back into sleep. "You were holding my hand…told me you weren't the gang without me…asked me not to die." I opened my eyes again and found him staring at me, all the blood draining from his cheeks.

"You could hear us?"

"Something like that." I swallowed, wishing he'd give me some water. "It ain't true, you know?"

"What?"

"You'd be fine without me, Two-Bit." His jaw went real tight then, eyes closing as he seemed to be fighting with something.

"I don't think you've ever said anything that stupid, kid, you know that? And if you weren't in a hospital bed, I'd knock your block off." I smiled briefly, knowing I wasn't in any danger at the moment. After I healed, if he still remembered this, I might be in trouble, but I'd be okay for a while. "Just don't talk like that around your brothers. They might have a heart attack or something, and they're stressed enough." I flinched, staring down at the blanket that covered me. "You want some water?" He asked, softening his tone. I shrugged, which he took for a yes, grabbing the pitcher beside me and handing me a cup. "It ain't your fault they're stressed, so don't start worrying about that. They sure are worried about you, but you ending up here wasn't your fault."

"I knew they were gonna come after me."

"Yeah…they seemed pretty hell bent, huh?"

"Kept sending me notes that told me I was gonna die…guess I could have taken that more seriously." He sighed, taking the cup of water back.

"Dally should have gone with you."

"Wasn't his fault." I told him, even though I couldn't really remember it very well. It probably wasn't Dally's fault. He'd been real good about staying with me. All the guys had. And he and Two-Bit both had been threatening Eric. Apparently it had been him…that's what I'd told them right after anyway. I couldn't remember. I all remembered was walking around with Dallas…and Johnny was still mad at me. I mean, in the dream or whatever it had been, he'd been upset, but I'd been really sick, so it made sense that he'd been upset. I wondered if he was angry still. Didn't want to bring it up with Two-Bit though.

"So…where is everyone? How come you got stuck here?" He shook his head, but a smile tugged at his mouth.

"I ain't stuck here, kiddo. I volunteered. Your brothers are at work, Steve's at the station, and Dally and Johnny were here yesterday morning."

"Johnny?" I asked, deciding I didn't care to ask after all.

"Yeah. He's at school today. Everybody's been hanging around here the last few days though. Today's Wednesday, about three o'clock. Sodapop should be here in a couple of hours. He gets off at six. Darry's working a half shift today."

"You don't have to stay." I assured him. "I mean, if you've got plans…"

"Shut it, kid. I ain't got plans."

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Eh." He waved a hand. "I'm gonna give eleventh grade another go next year."

"We're gonna end up graduating together, you know that?" He smiled, patting me on the shoulder.

"Yeah. We'll see, kiddo." He leaned back in his chair, watching me closely. "How's the back?"

"Trying not to think about it." He nodded sagely.

"Wanna see if we can get you some more pain meds?"

"Nah. I don't wanna sleep again."

"Yeah? Alright. How about some aspirin?"

"You got any?"

"I'll run down to the gift shop. Want anything else?"

"Just the aspirin. Thanks, Two-Bit."

"Sure thing, kid."

I was dozing by the time Two-Bit got back, but the sound of the door opening jolted me back awake. He shut the door behind me, carrying a plastic bag. "What, you actually bought it?" I asked, reaching up at rubbing my eyes. He grinned widely.

"Sure did." He dropped into the chair beside me and was about to start pulling things out when the doctor whose name I hadn't caught returned, holding a notebook and smiling somewhat ruefully at Two-Bit.

"Hello Mr. Matthews."

"Hey doc." I had a feeling they'd been through this before.

"Are you currently enrolled in school, Mr. Matthews?"

"Hey, someone's gotta watch this one." I shot him a glare but the doctor just shook his head, laughing a little.

"I'm sure. Mr. Curtis, it's good to see you awake once more. How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright." He hummed, not looking like he believed me.

"I'd like to check the incision sight. Mr. Matthews, would you like to assist?"

"Sure." He popped up, moving to my other side and stood in front of me, hands out. "C'mon, kiddo. Time to sit up." I nodded, letting him help me up. I did my best not to yell, but the groan did escape. He kept a hand on my back, rubbing circles like Sodapop would have. "Easy, Pony. He'll just be a sec."

The doctor pushed the back of the gown I was wearing aside and pressed around the place where I assumed I'd been stabbed. "We removed the kidney through this incision, and the stitches will have to come out in a few weeks. We'll let your brother know when he should bring you back in." I nodded, my head dropping as leaning forward pulled at the cut in my back. Glory it hurt.

Two-Bit eased me back down on the bed, pretending to ignore the way my eyes watered, and, as the doctor left, he grabbed the paper sack he'd put on the floor. "Alrighty then, let's see what we've got here."

"How much of that did you actually buy?" He grinned but ignored me, pulling out the aspirin and handing it to me. "Never mind. Thank you." He chuckled.

"Thought so." He handed me a new cup of water for the pills, and I swallowed four. "I also got…." He dug around in the bag. "…this." He pulled out a chocolate bar, grinning and waving it back and forth. "For me." He put it on the table beside him, then reached into the bag once more. "And this one is for you." I smiled a little, taking the candy bar and putting it on the tray table beside me.

"Thanks."

"Ain't you gonna eat it?"  
"Maybe later." He paused then, jaw a little tight once more.

"Your stomach hurting ya? The doctor said after the surgery you'd probably be hurting. Plus those ribs…"

"Yeah." I mumbled. He didn't ask anymore questions, just reached into the bag again.

"Anyway, I also got you this." He pulled out a book and I felt my heart skip…literally. The machine beside me that beeped steadily and quietly beside me skipped as well, and Two-Bit's eyebrows furrowed again. My arms refused to move to take it. "Kid?"

"Why…"

"It was this or an Agatha Christie book…hospital gift shops aren't exactly stocked with great novels. What's the matter?"

I remembered it. I remembered standing by Johnny's bed, watching him struggle to stay awake when Two-Bit ran off to grab Gone With the Wind. I remembered Dally's fist against the hospital wall…Johnny telling me to stay gold. "You want me to take it back?" He asked, staring to put it away. I shook myself out of it, forcing myself to focus on the now.

"No…um…sorry. Johnny and I were reading it together." He nodded, not seeming to buy it but not questioning it.

To make him happy, I nibbled at the chocolate bar, eating a few bites before wrapping it up and promising to eat it later. The doctor came again after about an hour while we were playing cards and waiting for Sodapop, giving me some pills to swallow that he promised wouldn't put me to sleep. I kept the book beside the chocolate bar, planning to bring up reading it with Johnny later, trying to stay awake as we played and Two-Bit beat me every round.

Sodapop showed up around six-thirty, running through the door to my room, then lighting up when he saw me sitting up, examining my cards. "You're awake!" He yelled, hurrying inside and all but jumping on my bed. I was grateful when he pulled back at the last second, just leaning in and hugging me carefully, probably getting grease on my shirt. "Glory but you've been sick. You've barely woken up once in two days. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm alright."

"The doctor said you were up for a few minutes yesterday. You should have woken me up." He chided, nudging me in the shoulder.

"You looked tired." He smiled, squeezing my shoulder.

"I was fine. The doctor been in yet today?" He glanced over at Two-Bit when he asked.

"Yeah. He came in for a minute earlier…said I was healing fine." Sodapop kept staring at Two-Bit who chuckled a little, shrugging.

"That's pretty much it, yeah."

"Good." Soda said with a nod.

"You think I'd lie?" I asked, incredulous.

"Yeah." He snorted, his hand still on my shoulder. "You had anything to eat yet?"

"Two-Bit swiped me a chocolate bar."

"Did you eat it?"

"He took about two bites." Two-Bit cut in.

"Yeah?" Soda turned to me, eyebrows furrowed again. "You hungry?"

I wasn't, not really, but I could tell it was worrying Soda, so I just nodded a little. "Sure."

"How about I get you some real food? Bet I can find something better than the crap they've got here."

"I'll go get it." Two-Bit announced, jumping up. "I think the kid's had enough of my company."

"Thanks Two. I can give you…" Before Sodapop could even pull out his wallet, Two-Bit was waving him off from halfway across the room. "…money." He snorted, taking Two-Bit's chair. "When did you wake up?"

"Around three."

"Yeah? That's the longest you've been up in a while. We thought you'd be okay after you were up the first time, but you were still awful sick, kiddo."

"You guys didn't have to stay here." His eyes widened, the smile more surprised than amused.

"Ponyboy…" He trailed off, shaking his head. "You don't get it, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I thought we'd lost you, Pony. The nurses were running around and the doctor was yelling and…glory, Ponyboy. You looked like you were dead, you know? You had an infection and for a few minutes I thought you were dead, and I couldn't stand it. I just…" His eyes were wet, his jaw clenched as he fought it, and I reached out, my hand resting tentatively on my brother's arm. He reached out, gripping my hand. "I thought I was going to lose my little brother…and it was like I was losing part of me. I couldn't stand it. Kiddo…I don't know what I'd do without you. So don't tell me I didn't have to stay here. Until you're home again, I ain't leaving your side unless I have to."

I hadn't seen Soda that serious in a long time, and even though he was always real good about listening to me, he usually didn't talk about his feelings with me much. "I didn't mean…I just thought you'd sleep better in your own bed." I mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes softening.

"I'll sleep better making sure my little brother's alright."

"Where are the rest of the guys?" I asked, hoping to get the subject off of me for a while.

"I'm not sure…they've been around, but I came here right after work. Steve covered for me so I could leave a few minutes early, but traffic's still bad around here. He'll probably come by later. He's been real worried about you…they all have. Especially Dal." He confided, lowering his voice like just saying our buddy's name would summon him.

"Dally?"

"Yeah…he thinks it was his fault. Can't really argue with him."

"It wasn't Dally's fault."

He snorted, rolling his eyes. "You said you didn't remember anything about what happened."

"I can't…but I'm sure it's not Dally's fault."

"You're…you're sure?" He lifted an eyebrow.

"Yeah." He hummed, not arguing but not agreeing either. I suspected he just didn't want to argue when I wasn't feeling great. I pushed myself up on my elbows a little, starting to scoot over, when he caught my arm. "Hey! You don't need to be moving around, kiddo."

"Just giving you some room." Chuckling a little, he climbed into bed, laying back against the wall and dropping an arm around me.

"I love you so much kiddo." He murmured, squeezing me hard against his side for a second.

I rested my head against his shoulder. "I love you too."

"Please…please don't ever do this to me again." I laughed a little.

"I'll do my best."


	28. In and Out

Two-Bit took his sweet time coming back. Before he showed up again, the doctor came back, smiling and nodding to me and Sodapop on the bed. I'd been starting to doze off, but as soon as he came through the door, I jolted awake, waking Sodapop too. "Hey Doc." Soda waved, grinning lazily. The doctor smiled.

"Hello, Mr. Curtis."

"You can call me Sodapop." My brother said with the air of someone who'd tried many times before.

"Alright, Mr. Sodapop." We both snorted, and I vowed to start calling him that. "How are you feeling Mr. Curtis?" He asked, turning to me.

"Same." I answered, shrugging a little, not bothering to correct him on the name thing.

"Where is the eldest Mr. Curtis?" He wondered glancing over at Soda.

"Work. He'll be here in a few hours."

"Good. It looks as though the worst has passed. I'd like to take some blood just to double check. You're still running a low-grade fever, but if all goes well, you should be able to go home tomorrow." I could practically feel Sodapop grinning beside me.

"Sounds good." He told the doctor, squeezing me a little. The doctor nodded, smiling. I sure was glad he was nicer than the other doctor.

"We'll need your older brother to sign the paperwork to make it official, of course, but for now, let's get some blood and we'll go from there." I nodded, holding out my arm for the nurse that had accompanied him, flinching a little at the pinch, then ignoring the tube that sucked blood out of my arm. I wasn't scared of needles or nothing, but it sure wasn't fun to watch. After a minute or so, she pulled the needle out, causing another pinch.

"All done, sweetie." The nurse patted me on the arm and Soda grinned, wagging his eyebrows and mouthing 'sweetie' until I elbowed him. He managed to suppress the grunt when the doctor turned back around to us.

"Alright. We'll take a look and let you know. Until then…" He paused, turning around and revealing Two-Bit standing at the door, a greasy looking bag in his hands. "I suppose you don't need us to bring you a tray. At least tell me there are some vegetables in that bag, Mr. Matthews."

Two-Bit grinned. "Sure are, doc." The doctor hummed skeptically, gesturing for the nurse to follow him out, and Two-Bit slipped into the room, opening the bag and pulling out three burgers and two giant sacks of fries.

"You sure you don't need any money, Two-Bit?" Sodapop asked, sitting up and leaning against the wall. I tried to follow suit but it proved impossible. Groaning a little, I put a hand against my side, leaning back against the pillows. "Hang on Pony." Soda scooted over, grabbing some pillows and pushing them against the back of the bed, and Two-Bit put the bag down, coming over and helping me sit up against the wall.

"Pay me back later, Sodapop. You can buy me some beer later."

"We buy your beer all the time…where do you think that beer from our fridge comes from?" He chuckled, bringing over the tray table and putting the burgers on them. I managed a few bites, ignoring how Soda and Two-Bit stared at me as I ate. I picked at the fries, doing my best to eat since they were so worried. Soda nudged me a little, putting his own burger down. "How are you feeling?" He wanted to know.

"I'm alright. Just tired."

"You've been sleeping for days." He teased, taking another bite of his burger. I took another bite and then gave up. "Not hungry?" He asked gently.

"Not really." He grabbed the foil my burger had come in and wrapped the uneaten half up. "You can eat it later."

"Thanks. And thanks for bringing food, Two-Bit." Our buddy grinned.

"Sure thing, kiddo. Your brothers keep me in beer." He swallowed the last of his fries, glancing over at Sodapop. "You want a milkshake or something? Or I can go out and grab something else."

"No thanks."

"Maybe later." He leaned back in his chair, putting the burger wrappers in the bag and tossing it into the garbage beside him. "I think I'd better head out, guys. Darry should be getting off pretty soon."  
"Thanks for staying, Two-Bit." Soda called, waving to our friend. Two-Bit clapped a hand onto my shoulder, squeezing a little.

"Sure thing. Get some rest, Pony. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright. See you, Two-Bit." He gave me one last look before heading out, closing the door behind him, and Soda pushed the tray table away, leaning back against the wall beside me once more.

"You need another blanket or anything?"

"Nah, I'm alright."

"How's your back?"  
"Fine, long as I don't move." He grimaced a little.

"Need anymore pain medicine?"

"I don't want to go to sleep again." He nodded.

"Yeah? The stuff the doctor gave you didn't do as well as the other stuff?"

"No, but it's alright. Just can't move around much."

"We're gonna get you back in your own bed soon as we can. And we'll make sure to get you some good medicine. This doctor is pretty cool."  
"Yeah, he seems nice."

"He's been real good about letting everyone stay here. They finally cleared out, but we've all been sleeping here up until a few days ago."

"They didn't have to…" I trailed off at the look he gave me.

"Pone, they were worried sick about you. Still are. Two-Bit insisted on staying with you until I got here. Steve was here all yesterday, and when he's not here, he's filling in so I can stay here." He rubbed my hair a little, pushing it back. "The guys will probably drop in soon. Johnny's getting your homework."

"I don't think I'm gonna be able to catch up, Soda." He squeezed my shoulder.

"That's alright, Pony."

"Do…do you think Darry's gonna be mad?"

"No, honey. He ain't mad at you. Just do your best, alright?"

"Yeah, alright."

Darry came in about an hour later. I'd been dozing again, my head on Sodapop's shoulder, his arm still around me, when the door opened. I jumped awake again, flinching when it pulled at my lower back. Sodapop rubbed my back, helping me sit up, and Darry came in, still wearing dirty jeans and a ripped t-shirt. "Hey, Pony!" He looked relieved, reaching out and wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders. I returned the gesture as best I could, a bit surprised.

"Everything alright?" He shook his head, his hands on my shoulders helping me ease back against the pillows.

"Yeah, Pony. Just worried about you." He squeezed my shoulder, glancing at Soda.

"I'm fine, Darry."

He hummed, not looking convinced. "How's your back?"

"It's alright." He glanced at Sodapop again.

"The doc gave him some medicine, but it's not as good as the stuff he had before."

"Yeah? I can talk to the doctor…see if we can get you something better."  
I groaned a little. "The other stuff puts me to sleep. I don't want to go back to sleep."  
He softened a little, his hand still resting on my shoulder. "I know, little buddy, but you need to sleep. You've got to rest if you're gonna get better."

"I've been sleeping for days." He smiled a bit.

"Yeah, I know." He sat back, regarding me silently for a minute. "You look awful tired. Rest for a while, alright?"

"Thought the guys were coming." I mumbled, head against Soda's shoulder once more.

"You can talk to them tomorrow."

"Doc said we might be able to talk him home tomorrow." Soda told him as I started to drift off.

"Good." I'm sure he kept talking, but I was sleeping again, and when I woke, Sodapop and Darry were both gone. I sighed a little, starting to sit up, but the stab of pain in my back kept me still.

"I think you'd better sit still, kid."

I smiled a bit at Dally's warning. "Probably." I opened my eyes, blinking and rubbing at my eyes. "When'd you get here?" I wondered, turning and finding him sitting beside my bed, a book held loosely in his hand. On closer inspection, I realized it was Gone with the Wind, the copy Two-Bit had bought me.

"Few hours ago. It's almost noon. Darry said you were hurting pretty bad last night, so the doctors gave you some more of that pain medicine that knocks you out."

"Oh…" I frowned a little. "I don't remember."

"Yeah?" He put the book down. "He said you woke up and were saying it hurt…him and Soda left right after I got here. They'll both get off work at five thirty, so they'll be here by six, and then the doc's gonna let you go home."

"Good. I'm sick of this place." He chuckled. I still felt the stab of pain in my back, but I was dying to sit up and have a drink. I wondered if Dal would give me a hand, but didn't want to ask. He seemed to know though, and leaned in, a hand on my shoulder.

"Need a hand?"

"Yeah." I admitted, and he helped me sit up, pretending not to notice when my eyes watered a little. Moving sure did hurt.

"They ought to send you home with some good pills." He told me, handing me a cup of water I took with a muttered 'thanks.' "I thought you were gonna die." He told me suddenly, looking me right in the eye. "Hell, kid…it sure didn't look good for a while there. You got some kind of infection or something, and those doctors were freaking out." He shook his head, looking at the wall beyond me. "How did you know about the church?" He asked, making my head spin as I tried to keep up.

I shrugged a little. "I can't really explain it, Dal." I admitted.

"You said I pulled you out of a fire. That I saved your life." I didn't say anything. I couldn't remember what I'd said to Dally after they'd stabbed me. The last thing I remembered was walking with Dally to see Sodapop. "Well…you're welcome, I guess." He snorted, shaking his head and laughing incredulously. "You know, since you've been in here, I've been dreaming it every night, kid. You and Johnny…trying to get you two out. But I can never get Johnny in time." He was watching me closely. "Do I get Johnny out?"

I closed my eyes, feeling them heat up as I remembered. I remembered him in that hospital, barely conscious, closing his eyes. Telling me to stay gold. I shook my head. "No." I whispered. He swore under his breath.

"Did I make it?" I knew what he was asking. He wasn't talking about the fire.

"I don't think so." I admitted.

"So what? What did you do, kid? Did you…what? Make a deal?"

"They asked me…they asked what I'd do. To save you and Johnny. I said I'd do anything." I was whispering…I couldn't make my voice any louder as I admitted to Dally something that would probably make him think I was nuts. "I thought I was gonna die. After they stabbed me. They…whoever it was, asked if it was worth it. I said yes. It was worth it if you got to live."

He swore under his breath again, dropping his head into his hands. "Who the hell is 'they' kid?"

"I don't know."

"Well it's not!" He stood, the chair nearly falling backwards behind him as I watched him towering over me. "It's not worth it! You…you shouldn't…shit kid! You shouldn't have done that!"

"Everything alright?" The doctor was standing in the doorway again, arms crossed, a wary look on his face. Dal whirled around, probably about to stay something stupid.

"Everything's fine!" I called, speaking over Dally before he could get a full word out.

"Mr. Winston, do you need to leave?" Dally scowled at the floor, then glanced over at me. I lifted an eyebrow and he rolled his yes.

"No." He spat.

"Mr. Curtis, just press the call button if you need anything."  
"Thank you."

When the doctor left, Dallas sank back into the chair he'd nearly knocked over. "You shouldn't have done it."

"It was worth it." I told him again.

"Stop saying that!" He growled, looking pale. "That's what you kept saying…shit, you were bleeding out all over the DX floor and you kept saying it was worth it." He shook his head. "I thought you were gonna die on that floor, asking for your brother."

"We wouldn't be the gang without you and Johnny, Dal." I reminded him. He just shook his head, hands tight in fists like he wanted to hit me. "That doc see you punching me, he might make you leave." I told him, smiling a little, and he snorted, relaxing a little in his chair.

"Smartass."

"I thought I was gonna die…I thought I was dead, but then I woke up…so maybe it doesn't matter." I offered. "Maybe…maybe we all get to live."

"You ain't dying at fourteen, kid." It sounded like an order, so I nodded.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Winston." He snorted, chuckling and ruffling my hair carefully. "You like the book?"

"Eh. Not really my thing." He nodded his chin toward the book he'd left on the table. "You wanna read it?"

"Nah…I was reading it with Johnny before…well, we were gonna read it together. He got it from the library."

"He said he was gonna by after school." He told me, leaning in. I was silent. "He's real worried, kid. After you had that surgery…it was real hard on him."

"He was awful mad the last time we talked."

"Yeah, and boy does he regret that." He shook his head at my confused look. "He was scared to death you'd die without him getting to talk to you." I closed my eyes, leaning back on the bed. I thought about how he'd looked up at me from his hospital bed…how he'd asked me to stay gold. "You need the doctor, kid?"

"No, I'm alright." I muttered.

"Kid…"

"I'm fine, Dally." I opened my eyes, glancing over at him. "Any news on those socs?"

"The cops probably wanna talk to you…I told the fuzz what happened and they picked Eric and Randy up. I didn't know the other guys…didn't get a chance to chase 'em down."

"Tim got 'em?"

"Oh yeah…he was real upset on your behalf." I smiled a little.

"I'll have to thank him."

"He stopped by."

"Yeah?"

"The day after your surgery…when things were still looking bad."

"That was good of him." Dally nodded.

"Yeah…he offered to kill those socs." He stared at me for a minute. "Should he have?"

"Nah…don't want him getting in trouble because of me."

"He wouldn't have minded." He was quiet for a minute, glancing over at me. "How are you feeling? You sure you don't need a doctor or nothing?"

"He'll probably be back later. I'm fine."

"Yeah? Alright." He shrugged, pulling out a deck of cards. "Wanna play?"  
"You really don't have to babysit me, Dal. I'm sure you've got places to be."

"I thought we already went over this. I don't babysit. If I had somewhere else to be, I'd be there." He dealt me a few cards and for about an hour, I did my best to pay attention and stay awake, but for some reason, I was still tired, and I was practically nodding off with my cards in my hand. Dally took the cards out of my hand then, laughing a little, which is when the doctor showed up again, eyeing Dallas.

"Hello Mr. Winston. How are you feeling Mr. Curtis."

"Alright."

"Still tired?" I nodded and he hummed sympathetically. "We still have you on pretty strong pain medication. It's best for you to get as much rest as you can. Once you're released, you'll be on bed rest for at least a week."

"Swell." I grumbled. Beside me, Dally snorted.

"You have plenty of friends to keep you entertained, isn't that right, Mr. Winston." Dally grunted, nodding a little, but he was smiling, which was more than he usually did around adults, especially doctors and cops. "I'll be sure to tell your brothers as well. I'd like to check the incision as well. The blood work all came back clean, and your temperature is almost back to normal. Mr. Winston, would you care to assist."

"It's fine, Dal. You don't have to…"

"Shut up, Ponyboy." Dally ordered, standing and moving to my other side and holding out a hand. I took his hand, letting him help me up, his other hand on my shoulder as he held me up and I tried my best not to start bawling when the doctor poked around my back where, apparently, some guy had stuck a knife in me. I did swear a few times, though, which didn't bother Dally none.

"It's healing nicely, Mr. Curtis. When your brother arrives, we'll have him sign the paperwork to take you home. I'll be sure to send you home with a prescription for pain medication, and you'll need plenty of bed rest. That means no rough housing." He glanced at Dally who had helped me lay back down against the pillows, his face set in a grimace as he stared at the ground rather than at me. I didn't mind…I was just glad he was sticking around to help me out.

He didn't leave, either. I didn't dare make another comment about him not needing to babysit…it was good to have someone around. I didn't want to be in that hospital room by myself. Even when I dozed off for a while, ever time I opened my eyes, I found Dally in the chair beside me, that book open in his hands, eyes skimming the pages with little interest. Still, if he was bored, he didn't complain. After the third of fourth time, I finally screwed up the courage to say something. "Dal, you ain't gotta stay." I mumbled, eyes drifting shut again as whatever medicine they had me on started to work again.

"Shut up, kid. You heard the doctor…get some rest."

"Hey, Dal?"

"What, kid?"

"Thanks." With that, I let myself fall asleep for real.


	29. Getting Out

"He been asleep all day?" I recognized the voice, but I couldn't wake myself up for long enough to respond. Instead, I tried to roll over…that didn't work either. Moving just made my back hurt, so I stayed where I was, trying not to yell or make any noise…no need for anyone to worry even more about me. Still hurt something awful, though.

"Nah. Just the last couple of hours. He was up for a while. Said you two'd been reading this." I assumed he was talking about Gone with the Wind. The other guy muttered something too quietly for me to hear. "The doc said he could home today…Darry's gotta sign him out though. He said he'd have to stay in bed for a week, though."

"Bet he's happy about that." I realized that it was Dally and Johnny talking, but I couldn't make myself open my eyes. Glory but I was sick of this pain medicine! I mean, I was glad the pain wasn't so bad, but I wanted to wake up! I needed to talk to Johnny. The last time I'd talked to him, we'd been arguing. I didn't want to argue with Johnny anymore. I wanted things to be okay between us again. I remembered how we'd been at the church…sitting together in the backyard, reading together. I wanted that back.

"I think he's still hurting pretty bad. Doctor said he needed those pain meds."

"Oh." Johnny's voice was subdued this time...sad. I needed to talk to him.

"The police came by right before you got here, but he ain't staying awake long enough to talk to them. Besides, Darry'll throw a fit if they try and interrogate the kid without him around."

"Yeah…" I assumed Johnny sat beside him in one of the chairs they'd dragged in the room. They kept talking, something about my brother, and I wanted to hear it, but I was out again before I could make out much of it.

I was finally woken up again by someone yelling. I shifted in the bed, freezing when that hurt too much, and a hand touched my arm. "You'd better stay still, Pony."

"What?" I mumbled, forcing my eyes open, and found Johnny still sitting by my bed. "Hey…time is it?" I asked, blinking a few times, running a hand down my face.

"Almost five. Darry's gonna be here soon. Sodapop too." He cleared his throat a little, glancing back when someone opened the door, and Dally's voice came from the hall.

"The kid ain't even awake! You can't barge in here…"

"We just need to ask him some questions…"

"He's asleep." Dally snapped, and whoever it was said something else too quiet for me to hear. "Yeah, these morons put him in the hospital the first time, and now they wanna bug him again!"

"What's going on? Why's Dally yelling?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and trying to sit up. Johnny moved forward, tentatively putting an arm around my shoulder and putting a pillow behind my back. I muttered a 'thanks' and looked over at the door that was still only partially open.

"The fuzz is here to talk to you…Dally's trying to stall until your brothers get here." I nodded, scratching my head and shifting against the pillows. "You…um…you feeling any better?"

"Yeah…I think so." I blinked some more, trying to clear my head. "Just…still tired. Those pain meds don't seem to help much, but they sure make me sleepy."

"Guess it'd be worse without 'em." I nodded, then jerked my chin toward the book Dal had left behind. "How far did he get?"

"Farther than us." He hesitated. "You'll be stuck in bed for a while. We'll have plenty of time to read." I grinned a little. "We can read the copy Two-Bit gotcha so I can return the library one."

"Yeah?"

"Sure. I mean, you're better at reading than I am, but I can probably manage reading for a while, 'till you're feeling better."

"Johnny…about before…" I mumbled.

He shook his head, holding up a hand and cut me off. "Shoot, Pony, I was a jerk."

"You weren't a jerk."

He took a deep breath, running his hands through his greasy hair. "I should have been with you." He told me, his voice breaking a little. "If I'd have been there…if I'd just come with you guys…"

"This is my fault, Johnny." I reminded him softly, cutting him off.

He shook his head, hands jammed in his pockets. "Look, I don't know what you…."

"We just need a word with him." We both paused in our conversation, watching the door once more, and then I heard the doctor's voice.

"If Mr. Curtis is awake, we can ask him if he's up to answering some questions."

"Don't you need to talk to his brother first? The kid's only fourteen."

"This isn't an interrogation, Dallas. We just need to know if he can identify his attackers."

"You've already got 'em!" Dally was starting to yell again, and someone else spoke too quietly for me to hear. Still, they must have overruled him, because the door opened again and Dally entered my room, his eyes widening when he saw me sitting up. The doctor came in next, patting Dally on the shoulder as he passed and ignoring the look Dally gave him.

"Mr. Curtis. You're up. Would you like the nurse to bring you a something to eat?"

"Nah…I'm alright." I shook my head, glancing over at Dally who stood in the corner, arms crossed. He glared at the doctor's back.

"Maybe later then. The police are here to ask you a few questions if you're up to it."

I didn't want to talk to any cops. The last time I'd talked to cops, I'd ended up handcuffed in a cold room by myself. I hadn't done anything this time! Surely Dally had told them what had happened. But the cops were standing in the doorway and there wasn't really any way for me to say no. "Sure." I mumbled, shrugging a little. I wasn't too worried about the cops doing anything…I'd been the one those guys had stabbed. I did wish my brothers were with me, though. Dally and Johnny were there, so I supposed it was fine. Besides, the doctor was there too. I was sure if they tried anything, the doctor would shoo them off. I shifted against the pillows and tried to sit up, but moving around didn't really work out too well, and Johnny moved over, helping me get comfortable again.

The two police officers stepped in, and I vaguely recognized one of them as one of the guys who'd come to the house to take me and Johnny and Dal to the police station. That one nodded to me, smiling a little. "Hello, Mr. Curtis." I nodded hello, glancing over at Johnny who remained at my side, despite the fact that I knew he was scared of cops. Dally moved over to sit on my other side, stretching out in the chair, arms crossed as he watched the two cops standing by my bed. "We just wanted to ask you a few questions if you don't mind."

"Sure." I shrugged, wishing I could sit up. I didn't like being on my back while two cops were in the room, standing over me. I had a feeling Dally could tell, 'cause he scooted forward, watching the cops real close.

"Your friend told the police that you were attacked by two of your classmates…Eric Jacobs and Randy Adderson?"

"Yeah."

"And which one of them actually stabbed you?"

"Eric." I told them. That's what I'd told Dally and Steve apparently, so I'd stick with it.

The cop hesitated. "And you're sure that it was Eric who stabbed you?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Had they threatened you in any way before this happened?" The other cop asked.

"Told me I was gonna die." I told him with a shrug. Dally sighed beside me, but apparently decided to yell at me for not bothering to tell them about that later. I was grateful…maybe I'd fall asleep again and he'd forget. "They'd pass me notes in class that told me I was dead."

"Because of Robert Sheldon?"

"Yeah." The cop frowned, crossing his arms.

"Any why didn't you tell anyone…"

"What the hell's going on?" We all jumped a little at my brother's voice. The police officers both stiffened, turning to face my brother who stood in the doorway, eyes wide and incredulous, still wearing his tool belt. "He's a minor. You can't interrogate…"

"Mr. Curtis, we aren't interrogating your brother." The one who'd been talking to me told him, putting a hand up. I wasn't sure if he was trying to keep Darry out or placate him, but either way, it wasn't working. He took another step into the room, glancing down at me.

"You alright?"

I nodded tiredly. "I'm fine. They were just asking me about Eric and Randy."

"You ain't questioning my kid brother while he's still in a hospital bed. Glory, he'd been unconscious for days. He don't need to be waking up to this."

"Mr. Curtis, we need to make sure…"

"Pony, did you tell 'em what happened?" He asked me, moving over to my bed, standing between the cops and me. On the sidelines, the doctor glanced between me and my brother, looking somewhat troubled.

"I told 'em it was Eric."

"Mr. Curtis, it's important…"

"He just told you. It was Eric. You guys already picked him up, right?"

"Yes, we did, but…"

"You know who stabbed him. You've got everything you're gonna get. When he's feeling better, maybe he can tell you something else."

The cop who'd been talking looked upset, but the other one nodded. "Of course, Mr. Curtis. Thank you for your cooperation, Ponyboy." He nodded to me, jerking his chin toward the door, and they both left, and the doctor stepped in.

"I apologize, Mr. Curtis. They said they needed to speak to him…"

"From now on, any cops stop by, they can talk to me." He snapped, dropping a hand onto my shoulder and squeezing a little. "How are you feeling, Pony?"

"Still tired." I mumbled, watching the door close behind the cops.

"You ate anything yet?" He asked, dropping into a chair. I shook my head.

"Let's run out and grab some food, huh Johnny?" Dally suggested, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets. Johnny nodded, standing as well, and Darry thanked him softly, starting to reach for his wallet then giving up when Dally ignored him completely, shutting the door behind him.

"They said I can go home today." I told him, fighting the urge to close my eyes again.

"Good. It'll be good to have you home, kiddo." He told me quietly, running a hand through my hair.

"And you can finally get some sleep?" He chuckled, nodding.

"That too. I'm off tomorrow, and so's Sodapop, so I think we'll all be sleeping in tomorrow. You want some water?" I nodded, thanking him when he handed me the cup that had been sitting on the table beside my bed.

The doctor, who had slipped out at some point, reentered the room with a clipboard. "Mr. Curtis, I just need to check the incision site before we let you go." I nodded, used to this and already dreading it.

"You do this a lot while I was asleep?" I griped as Darry gripped my shoulders, helping me sit up. He rubbed my back a little when the doctor poked around my back again, making me tense against my brother.

"Yeah, especially at first. They had to make sure you were healing okay." He told me, my head all but against his chest. It still hurt something awful and I swore under my breath, glad when he didn't reprimand me. Instead, he just helped me lay back down and smoothed my hair back.

"Can we go ahead and get him out of here?" He asked, keeping his hand on my hair, and the doctor nodded.

"Of course. Come with me and we'll get the paperwork filled out."

"I'll be right back, kiddo." He told me, and I nodded, closing my eyes and resting my head back on the pillow.

Sodapop showed up before Darry got back, Dally and Johnny in tow. "Hey, Ponyboy. Guess who I found in the hallway." I blinked tiredly at them as a nurse appeared and I wondered how many people were gonna show up in my hospital room. And when I'd stop feeling so damn tired.

"We brought food." Johnny spoke up, him and Dally standing off to the side while Soda sat down beside my bed, his hand dropping onto my shoulder.

"The cops came by." I told Soda softly, struggling once more to keep my eyes open.

"Yeah, Dal and Johnny told me. They bug ya?"

"Darry chased 'em off."

"Mr. Curtis, why don't I go ahead and get that IV out?" The nurse asked, stepping in.

"Please," I begged, holding up my arm, and Soda laughed, scooting back and flinching when she pulled the needle out of my arm. I rubbed the spot a little bit, glad the needle was gone.

"We'll be sending you home with antibiotics and pain medicine. If you have any trouble, you can come back in and we'll get it taken care of. The doctor is going over this with your brother as well."

"Thanks." Sodapop grinned at her and she faltered for a second, then smiled brightly back at him. I snorted, elbowing him a little.

"Leave her alone, Soda." I mumbled as she walked alone, and he laughed. Immediately I felt a little bad though…he was probably lonely after Sandy, but I hadn't even said anything to him about it. Then again, I wasn't supposed to know.

"You wanna get dressed, kiddo? I brought you some clothes."

"Sure." I started to sit up, then froze, dropping back down. "Never mind."

"C'mon." He got an arm around my shoulder, helping me sit up and pausing when I froze again. "I know, Pone. We'll hurry, okay?"

Sodapop got me up, his arms around my sounders as he helped me walk. My legs felt like I hadn't used them in days…which I supposed I hadn't. Dally stepped forward to help, but I waved him off. "I'm fine." I assured him. He shrugged, not looking convinced but going back to the food.

It took a while, and had it been anyone else, I would have been humiliated. Soda helped me out of the hospital clothes and into a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt I vaguely recognized. When we emerged from the bathroom and I managed to sit down on the bed again, Dally was unwrapping the burgers and he handed me one, tossing one to Sodapop who thanked him, offering to pay, but Dal shook his head, waving him off again. I took a few bites of the burger, thanking him around a mouthful of burger, and he scarfed down a burger of his own.

When Darry returned with the doctor, we had all pretty much finished our food, and he was pushing a wheelchair that Soda immediately popped up to help me into it. It was pretty embarrassing, but I was still feeling groggy from those pain pills, so I didn't care so much. Getting me in the truck was a little harder, and for a second, I didn't think I was going to make it. But Darry stepped in, lifting me carefully and putting me in the middle of the cab, and I dropped my head onto Sodapop's shoulder, falling asleep and not waking until Soda was shaking me a little. As Darry picked me up again, I remembered doing this before…how, last time, we'd been coming back from the hospital where we'd been waiting to see Johnny.

"Is Johnny okay?" I asked Darry as he carried me through the living room.

"Johnny's fine, kiddo." He told me quietly, then dropped me on the bed. Soda sat down beside me, laying down and pulling the covers over both of us.

"You want some pain medicine?" He asked softly.

"I'm alright," I mumbled, and he slung an arm around me. For a second, I was ready to fall asleep. Then I remembered. "Hey, Sodapop?"

"Yeah?" He asked, his face buried in the pillow.

"I'm awful sorry about Sandy." I felt him stiffen beside me, sitting up a little.

"What?" I didn't answer. "Pone, how did you know…"

"No one told me. I just did." I told him tiredly. He sighed, apparently giving up, and I let myself fall asleep. At least this time I didn't dream about a fire.


	30. Sodapop's View

I'm awful sorry about Sandy. The words echoed in my brain as I stared at my little brother's hair, my arm slung over him. Regardless of my confusion, it was so good to have Ponyboy home. I'd missed him. It was awful having him in the hospital. It hadn't been right, being at the house without him there, so I'd spent as much of the last week at his bedside as I could. Either that or working. Working had been kind of rough too…Steve had been pretty cool about it, keeping an eye on me and making sure I didn't lose it or anything. Once or twice, he'd clocked me in even when I didn't show up, or covered for me when I was late. Thankfully our boss hadn't caught on yet.

Watching my little brother laying in that bed, barely waking up, had been worse than the when he'd been in the hospital first time. That first night after his surgery had been the worst. I'd thought he was going to die. I'd thought I was going to lose my little brother. The doctors had been talking too fast and the machine had been beeping and the alarm had gone off and the nurses had been running around. Darry had grabbed me before I could lunge at the nurse trying to get me out of that room. Then Dally had been yelling too. But then Two-Bit had stepped over to my brother's side, taking his hand and squeezing it a little, begging him not to do this. Begging him no to die.

Like he'd heard him, Pony had gotten better from there, stabilizing, his heart beating steadily, but he'd been asleep for days before he'd finally woken up and talked to us. But after that first day, he'd been yelling about the pain. I don't think he remembered waking up that second time in the middle of the night while Darry and I had sat at his side. He'd started moving in the bed, eyes opening a little as he'd looked around wildly.

"Hey, kiddo. You up?" Darry had asked, touching his hair. Darry had been different with him lately. When before, he'd been all yelling and worrying, now he was…well, he still worried a lot. But since he'd hit him…since Pony had been in the hospital the first time, he'd been…nicer. Well, he'd never been real mean to him or anything. Except when he'd hit him. I'd been angrier than I'd ever been with my brother that night, and more scared than I'd ever been when I'd gone to Steve, begging him to help me find Pony.

Anyway, Darry was more careful now, and I could tell he was trying not to yell as much…trying not to get on Ponyboy about every little thing like he had before. He'd been real hard on him about school, especially since I'd dropped out, and I knew it was just because he wanted Pony to go to college, but Pony just knew that Darry yelled a lot. Still, they were getting along a lot better now, and Darry kept a careful hand on our brother's hair while Pony looked around wildly, not seeming to see.

"Darry?"

"Yeah, Pone?"

"It hurts." He'd cried, nearly screaming, arching his back a little, tears dripping down his face. "Darry, it hurts!"

"Alright, honey. It's okay." Darry had leaned in, gripping his hand. "We're gonna get the doctor, okay?" I'd jumped up before he'd tried to leave him, running out into the hallway and grabbing the nearest nurse, begging them to help my brother. In hindsight, maybe I'd freaked out a bit. Either way, she got the doctor and they were able to get him something for the pain, leaving Darry pale and scared-looking at his side, his hand holding tightly to our brother's.

And when Ponyboy had been awake, he'd been bleary eyed and barely able to hold his head up. He'd been glad to see me though. Me and Darry. I didn't want him to be scared, or wake up alone in that place. I knew his back was killing him, and he couldn't really remember being attacked by those assholes. Getting him out of that bed and dressed had been rough. It would have been better if Darry had been able to carry him, but I'd managed to get him to the bathroom without help from Dally or Johnny. I knew they would have just made him uncomfortable. Or…more uncomfortable. I knew he hated needing so much help, but he would have to deal with it for a while. Getting him dressed had taken a while, as every once in while he'd frozen in place, a hand against his back, hands shaking, and I'd helped him stay upright, supporting him as he leaned against the sink.

"I'm awful sorry about Sandy." That's what he'd said…and that in itself wasn't strange. If I'd have told Pony what Sandy had done…that she'd gotten pregnant with someone else then dumped me, leaving town without so much as a goodbye, Pony would have felt awful about that, and he would have been real nice about it, cheering me up and distracting me. But the thing was, I hadn't told him about it. At first he'd been in the hospital, the things had started with those socs…then those guys had stabbed him. He'd been so sick, and exhausted and in pain…I didn't want to put even more on his plate. So I'd told everybody to keep their traps shut until I could talk to him. But now he was saying he was sorry and when I'd asked him how he'd known, he'd assured me that no one had told him…that he just knew.

How? How could he know? I squeezed him a little, making sure not to hurt him. He still had broken ribs and he'd just has surgery…his back was probably killing him too. He hadn't wanted any more pain medicine before going to bed. I couldn't blame him. The kid was probably sick of pain meds. The first batch had made him real sick, and the second had scared me to death, practically putting him in a coma. Beside me, he shifted a little, trying to turn over, but went still all of a sudden, groaning a little in his sleep. I rubbed his shoulder, squeezing him in a hug once more. "Stay still, Pony." I mumbled, and he calmed a little, sighing in his sleep. "It's alright, kiddo." I told him quietly.

Soon he was sound asleep, and I let myself close my eyes, falling asleep as well. But I didn't find any peace there. Instead, I found myself standing in a park, shivering from the cold. Someone was yelling. I looked around, but it was so hard to move. Finally, I made myself move forward. It was Johnny. Johnny was yelling, but he was on the ground, and someone kicked him. Hard. A soc. I tried to move, but I couldn't get my feet to lift from the ground. I tried to yell but I was paralyzed, rooted to the spot. All I could do was turn my head a little and stare at the fountain…the fountain where they held my little brother under the water. That wasn't right. They hadn't held Ponyboy under the water…that was Johnny! Johnny had been the one they'd almost drowned, but it was my little brother in the fountain, thrashing and fighting as Bob held him in the fountain until he went still.

No…they were killing him! I screamed then, fighting, but I couldn't move. My little brother wasn't moving! He was gonna die! They were gonna kill him! "Let him go! Ponyboy! Darry!" Surely Darry was close by! He could help! Why couldn't I move? In the fountain, my brother was limp as they backed away from him…but Johnny was climbing to his feet. In his hand was a knife…I screamed again, praying our big brother would hear. Then I heard his voice.

"Soda? Sodapop, wake up!" I gasped, jerking upright and almost slamming my head into Darry's nose. He jumped back, his hands on my shoulders, and I looked around wildly.

"Where's Pony?"

Darry gave me a strange look but it was Pony who answered. "Right beside you." He told me softly, still lying back against the pillows, barely awake, and he blinked tiredly at me.

"Shit, Pony." I exhaled, dropping back against my pillow as Darry stared at me tiredly, looking confused. "Sorry." I told them.

"You okay, Sodapop?" Darry asked, reaching out and ruffling Ponyboy's hair.

"Mhm. Yeah…sorry." I told him again. "Just…shit that was an awful dream. Sorry."

"It's alright." Darry backed off a little, rubbing his own eyes, and I felt awful for waking him. "Go back to sleep." He urged, patting my shoulder and leaving me alone with Ponyboy once more, who turned a little to look at me, his eyes barely open.

"What's wrong, Soda?" He murmured, and I forced a smile in the dark.

"Just a nightmare, kiddo."

"What about?" I smiled for real then. It was how I talked to him after a nightmare, so I told him, choosing my words carefully.

"They were drowning you…in the fountain in the park. Bob Sheldon was drowning you…he wouldn't let you up. I thought you were gonna die."

He was quiet for a minute, and when he spoke he sounded scared. "It wasn't me…it was Johnny they were drowning."

"Yeah, I know." I scooted closer to him, putting an arm around him. "It was just a bad dream, kiddo. Didn't mean anything. Go back to sleep." He nodded, relaxing beside me and closing his eyes. I followed suit, and this time I didn't dream at all.

I was glad I was off the next day, since it was light outside when I finally woke up. Ponyboy was still beside me, my arm thrown over him, his chest rising and falling steadily, telling me he was okay. Or alive, at least. I figured he'd be wanting some pain meds soon, and he needed those antibiotics too. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and stretching a little, looking at the clock by the bed and grinning when it told me it was nearly noon. I must have been tired.

I climbed out of bed, heading into the living room, which, surprisingly, was empty. Out house was usually the loudest on the block, and by now, we'd have the radio blasting or the tv on or Two-Bit would be wrestling with someone. I guessed everyone was giving us some space for a bit, what with Pony laid up again. I glanced over at Darry's room, but the door was shut and I assumed he was still sleeping. Deciding to let both my brothers sleep, I started fixing me some eggs and grabbed some grape jelly to go with them, then sat in the living room, turning the TV on low.

Halfway through my breakfast, Darry came out of his room, rubbing his eyes and grinning when he saw me. "Mornin." He mumbled. "Time is it?"

"Probably noon now."

"Pony still asleep?"

"Yeah…thought I'd wake him up in a bit…he needs to take his medicine." I held up the eggs with jelly. "Want some?" He flinched a bit.

"No thanks. Thought I'd grill up some burgers."

"You'll have to go get some. All we've got is chicken."

"Alright." He glanced at the bedroom door again. "You sleep alright?"

"Did have anymore nightmares, if that's what you mean." I told him, scooping up the last of my eggs and eating it all in one bite.

"Usually it's Pony wakes us all up." He was teasing, but I wasn't in the mood to joke about it.

"Yeah, well, guess it was contagious."

"You sure you're alright?"

"Yepp."

"What was it about?" He wanted to know. I shrugged.

"Something about Pony. Can't really remember." I wondered if this was what Pony had done…told us he couldn't remember because his dreams were so bad, he didn't even want to think about them, much less talk about it. I hated to think he wouldn't want to talk to me about something, but I understood, especially if they were like mine.

He seemed to accept this, nodding. "You heard from the guys?"

"Nah. I just got up."

"Alright. Want me to get Pony up?"

"I'll do it. Get some breakfast." I told him, taking the plate into the kitchen, running the water over the plate, then freezing. I wasn't seeing water anymore…I was seeing my brother. He was on the ground now, coughing and shaking, staring wide eyed at Bob Sheldon who lay dead beside him, a pool of blood growing under the body. Johnny knelt beside Pony, helping him up, but I couldn't hear them…it was like I was watching an old silent movie. They were talking, looking scared and desperate, and they were running, hurrying down the street, but not toward our house…in the opposite direction.

"Sodapop?" Darry's voice was soft, and I glanced up to find him leaning in the doorway. I forced a smile, rubbing a hand down my face.

"Still tired, I guess." I told him, grabbing a glass and filling it with water to take to our brother. "Where's his medicine?" Darry pointed to the table where a couple of pill bottles sat, and I grabbed the antibiotics.

I felt his eyes on me as I hurried into the bedroom, trying to shake off…whatever that had been. A dream? A vision? Whatever it was, I had bigger things to worry about, like a kid brother still asleep in our bed, minus a kidney. I sat on the bed beside him, shaking him a little, and he grumbled under his breath, shaking me off. "C'mon, Pony. You ready to get up?"

"Huh?"

"It's past noon, kiddo." I told him, shaking him again. He groaned, bringing a fist up to rub his eyes.

"Saturday?"

"Yepp." I put an arm around his shoulder, helping him sit up, and then stacked our pillows behind his back. "Better?"

"Yeah…thanks." He leaned back against the wall and the pillows, thanking me again as he swallowed the antibiotics and the glass of water.

"You hungry?"

"Not really."

"Darry's gonna make burgers later…probably should save your appetite." I told him with a grin, slinging an arm around his shoulder and hugging him a little. "How's the back?"

"Not too bad…gotta get up though." I nodded, moving over to his side of the bed and helping him up, then helped him half limp to the bathroom. I wondered how long he'd be in so much pain. At least before, he'd been able to walk on his own. I knew he hated needing help like this, but at least I was around to help him. During the week, we'd have to have someone here to help him, something he wouldn't be too happy about. He didn't seem up to arguing though.

Once I got him into the bathroom, I waited outside, then helped him back to the bed. He dropped his head back against the wall, his jaw tight, sweat dripping down the side of his forehead, and I brushed his hair back. "Let me grab you the pain pills."

"Think they'll be as bad as the other ones?" I wasn't sure which ones he was talking about, but shook my head anyway.

"Nah. This doctor knew what he was doing. " I assured him, grabbing the other bottle off the table and bringing him back a pill he swallowed without question. "You sure you don't want anything to eat, kiddo? I can make you some eggs?" He just shook his head, slumped back against the pillows, still too pale for my liking. He looked sick, and I squeezed his shoulder. "You still feeling pretty bad, huh?"

"Yeah." He admitted, which was worrying. He didn't usually like to let anyone know when he wasn't feeling good…didn't want people bugging him about it.  
"How about you go back to sleep, kiddo? I can wake you up when Darry finishes lunch, okay?"

"Mmkay." He mumbled, nodding, and I helped him lay back down, crossing my arms and sitting on the bed beside him for a minute. He slept almost immediately, head dropping and snoring softly, and I hoped the pain medicine was doing it's job.

"He asleep again?" Darry asked quietly from the doorway, looking at our little brother.

"Yeah. He took the pain meds though." He shook his head, jaw tight as he turned and left the room. I followed, tucking the blankets around Ponyboy's shoulders. "He's better than he was." I reminded him, shutting the door behind me as I joined him in the kitchen.

"He can barely walk, Soda. He's gotta stay in bed all week, and someone needs to stay with him."

"You know the guys won't mind."

"Soda I can't keep asking the guys…"

"You ain't asking." I bristled a little, as uncomfortable with the idea as he was, but knowing that we didn't have much of a choice. "They've all already offered…hell, even Dal said he'd be by. Besides, we're both off tomorrow, and next weekend I'm off, so it's just five days. They're worried about him too."

"I ought to be the one staying with him."

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "You gotta work, Darry. That ain't your fault. You've taken too much time off already. So have I." He leaned back against the counter, staring hard at the ground, jaw still tight.

"I was supposed to look after him."

I sighed. "You did look after him. Hell, we all did. We still do."

"I don't think hitting him was what our parents had in mind, Soda."

"Darry, you didn't mean to..." I started to tell him, a bit surprised I was the one defending him. I'd been real mad about that. Still was a little, if I thought about it.

"Yeah? How many times have I yelled at Pony for saying crap like that? 'I didn't mean to.' What good does that do? I hit him! I yelled at him and drove him away and…he thought I hated him, Soda. He thought I regretted keeping him…thought I wanted to send him to a boy's home." He exhaled loudly, shaking his head. "Now he's laid up again, can't go to school, can't walk around town…can't even leave the damn house without getting attacked by socs!"

"Pony knows you don't hate him, Dar."

"Now he does." He mumbled.

"Look, we both know you've got a lot to deal with. He gets it, Dar. We both do. You're being too hard on yourself." He dropped his head back against the cabinets and I moved over to his side, dropping a hand on his arm. "Go get the food. Pony's fine for now. The guys will help out this week. Soon, he'll be back on his feet and everything will be fine. Hell, they arrested Randy and Eric, so he won't have to worry about them, and if they do get out, Tim's guys will take care of them again."

"I don't want him to be scared to leave the house…scared to go to school or the library…hell, down the road." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "I don't want him to be scared of me." I squeezed his shoulder.

"He ain't scared of you." He nodded, ruffling my hair.

"I'm gonna grab some food. Tell the guys they have to wait for food if they come by. Don't let 'em wake up Pony."

"I won't." I told him, waving as he headed out, then went into the living room where I sat down, staring at the TV before the scene changed again. The living room was gone, and I was briefly annoyed before I realized I was watching Ponyboy and Johnny in a church. I only knew it was a church because of the pews, which I'd never seen anywhere else. The two were sitting on the floor, a book in Pony's hand. But something was different…their hair was shorter. And when the sun came in through the window, Pony's hair showed up so blonde it was almost white. It looked strange…he looked younger, about eleven, and scared. But he read, out loud, I assumed, a cigarette in one hand as his lips moved. Johnny leaned in, eating a sandwich picking at his nails.

I blinked and they were outside, Dally in the front seat of a car I vaguely recognized, and Johnny and Pony in the back. The car was parked in a gravel parking lot, surrounded by green hills. From where I was standing, I couldn't tell where they were. They were talking, Dally looking angry as he turned around to look at Pony, but my little brother was wide eyed as he stood up in the back seat, looking at something behind me…something I couldn't turn around to see. Then he was jumping out of the car, taking off toward me and brushing past me, almost running into me as he disappeared.

What scared me the most was the look on Dally's face. He was screaming at my brother, maybe to stop, maybe to come back…I still couldn't hear. And Johnny jumped out of the car, racing after him, and Dally reached out, just missing him. Then he got this look on his face…torn between absolute terror and fury as he jumped out of his car, racing after the two of them, but no matter what I did, I couldn't turn around. Something terrible was going to happen, and I had no idea what I could do to fix it.

The screen door slammed and I jumped, torn from wherever I had been and brought back to my living room. I wanted to check on Pony. I had no idea how long I'd been out…or whatever had just happened. I was starting to get freaked out, but I had a feeling I shouldn't tell anyone just yet…better to see what happened to Pony and Johnny. Was it the future? It seemed kind of ridiculous. Greasers didn't get visions of the future. Hell, I wasn't sure anyone did. Especially not greasers though.

"Hey Soda." Steve stood in the living room, looking concerned. "You alright?"

"Fine." I wiped a hand down my face, jumping up. "What's up, man? I thought you'd stay over last night."

"Nah. Thought you guys could use some time with the kid. He okay?" I shook my head, crossing my arms.

"You still coulda stayed. The couch is always free, you know that." He kept waiting and I answered him. "He's asleep. I got him to take his medicine earlier, but he can't even walk on his own, and he's not feeling great."

"He's gonna be alright."

"Yeah." I jerked my head toward the bedroom. "I'm gonna check on him."

"Alright." He nodded, dropping on the sofa where I'd been. "Got anything to eat?"

"Nope. Darrys' making burgers later. Told me to tell you to wait." He grunted from the sofa while I opened the bedroom door, peeking in to find Pony still asleep. The clock read 1:06, so at least I hadn't been staring off into space for too long. The last thing Darry needed was two brothers with their heads in the clouds. I shut the door again, joining Steve in the living room where he was staring at the TV.

"Got any cake?"

I felt a rush of irritation…why would we have cake? When would we have had time to make cake? I tamped it down. "Nope. You're welcome to make one." I told him, wondering if a cigarette would make me feel better. Probably not. Even when I'd been stressed, they'd just made me jumpier. Maybe a beer.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked quietly, lifting an eyebrow. I shrugged.

"Somebody almost killed my kid brother." I told him simply, staring at the TV. He nudged me with his elbow.

"He'll be fine, Soda." For a minute, we were both quiet. "The guys and I were talking…you're both off tomorrow, but Two-Bit and I are gonna take turns staying with the kid next week. Dal will probably come over too…we told Johnny to go to school. He wanted to stay with him, but he's gonna flunk out if he doesn't go." I was silent, torn between thanking my friends and feeling guilty that it wasn't me staying with him. For the first time in a long time I wished I was in school so I could take a week off without costing us money. "Johnny's probably gonna come over after school too, so he'll have plenty of people with him."

"Thank you." I told him quietly, staring at the TV, which was on the news, something I never watched and I had no desire to start. But I wasn't really seeing the news. Not anymore. Because it seemed even Steve's presence in the living room wouldn't stop whatever it was that was happening with me. I wasn't seeing the news or the TV…I was seeing my little brother. It's like, any time I sat still, I saw whatever it was these were. I felt a sudden urge to talk to Darry about this, but this was the last thing he needed. Anyway, I was seeing my brother and Johnny…but they were in the church again. And it was on fire.

For two weeks my little brother had been woken up almost every night, screaming about a fire. And I knew Johny was dreaming about a fire too. So what did this mean? Once more, I was stuck in place, my arms limp at my sides as I watched Pony turn and say something to Johnny. Neither looked particularly afraid. Instead, Johnny was grinning as he followed my brother into the room where I stood, and for the first time, I saw the kids. There were about five of them, all around five years old, if that, and Pony ran right up to them, reaching out his arms and smiling a little, then jerking back and, if my lip reading was anything to go by, swearing as the kid bit him. I almost laughed. He grabbed the kid again, this time avoiding teeth, and hurried to the window.

Why? Why was Ponyboy in a burning church? And why was this something I was seeing? Suddenly, something fell from the roof…a piece of burning lumber, and Dally was at the window, beating on the broken glass and yelling something I couldn't hear. I was hot, like all of a sudden, I could see the heat of the fire. I could hear the crackling of fire and the huge chunks of wood hit the ground. I wanted to scream at my brother to get out!

He was on fire. He must have wandered too close to a burning pew, or maybe something fell on him. I opened my mouth to scream, to warn him, as I felt my pulse race. He was wearing a thick leather jacket that looked like it belonged to Dally. What was he doing? Why was he in a burning church? Why was my little brother in a burning building with a bunch of kids? Why was I watching this? I wanted out. I didn't want to see this.

Dally reached in through the window, grabbing my brother and pulling him out of the church, then slammed a hand against his back. Pony dropped out of sight and my heart skipped before I realized what was going on in the room where I still stood. Johnny. Johnny on the ground, screaming as the roof came down, and the last thing I saw was Dally jumping through the window, my brother nowhere in sight. "Sodapop!" I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder, and I whirled around to find Steve looking worried. "Man, you okay?"

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"Maybe you ought to be the one in bed." I snorted, rolling my eyes and leaned back against the sofa. "What's going on, Soda?"

"Nothing." I told him, hoping Darry would show up soon so I could avoid talking about it. "It's been a long week." I told him, knowing that Steve would want a better answer than that.

"I hear that." He told me, reaching out and patting me on the shoulder again. "Why don't we go out tonight?" Steve asked suddenly, ignoring the incredulous look I gave him. "Look, Superman's gonna stay with the kid, and he'll probably sleep all night anyway. He ain't gonna miss you. You've been either working or stuck in that hospital room."

"I wasn't stuck…" He put up a hand when my hackles started to rise.

"Man, I ain't saying you should have been somewhere else. I know you needed to stay with the kid…"

"Can't you say his damn name?" I snapped, hands in fists as I jerked away from him. "Shit, you hate my kid brother that much?" I felt ashamed as soon as I said it, and I wondered if I really did need more sleep, or if seeing my little brother, who I'd just recently been allowed to take home from the hospital, in a burning building, his back on fire. Steve was kind of pale, staring at me wide-eyed, his mouth half open. He'd recoiled like I'd actually hit him. My shoulders drooped, head dropping to my chest. "Look…"

"I don't hate him." He told me quietly, his voice cold. "Shit, Soda. I never hated him."

"I know."

"He gets on my nerves sometimes. I didn't always want him tagging along. But I don't hate him. I'd never want anything to happen to him."

"I know." I felt my ears get hot. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. Maybe I do need to get out of this house." He nodded, lips in a tight line as he stared at the TV. "I'm sorry. You and Dal saved him. If you guys hadn't been there…"

"Dal saved him." He told me softly, looking away.

"You sat with him…kept him from bleeding out." He shrugged, still not meeting my eyes. "I know you don't hate him. I'm sorry. It's…like I said. It's been a really bad week. Didn't mean to take it out on you."

"It's fine." I sighed, leaning back against the back of the sofa.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked, glancing over at him, and he sighed a little.

"Tim's probably gonna have a poker game. Maybe Dally will wanna come."

"Sounds good."

Tim did have a poker game, and as soon as we walked in to his living room after we'd all had dinner, he stood, reaching out a hand that I shook. The other greasers around the table all nodded hello, keeping straight faces, but I knew they knew what had happened. "How's your little brother?" He asked softly, glancing over at Steve.

"We brought him home last night."

"Good." He nodded. "The fuzz picked up those socs…no way they let 'em go. If Ponyboy can tell us who else was with those two, we'll get them too."

"Thanks." I mumbled, running a hand through my hair. Honestly, I was glad when the game started and I could focus on playing poker, which was a good thing because I ended up taking home three dollars, which I planned on putting with my pacy check when I gave Darry money for bills that week. It wasn't a lot but everything helped.

Pony was still asleep when I got home, and Darry had apparently gone to bed, since the lights were all off. Stopping briefly in the kitchen to grab a sandwich as quietly as I could, I threw on some sweat pants and a t-shirt I grabbed off the floor of our bedroom and dropped onto the bed beside Pony. I wanted to try and wake him, but figured I ought to let him sleep and hoped he'd be feeling better in the morning.

The dream seemed to start as soon as I closed my eyes. I was standing in the living room, staring at…myself. I looked like I'd just been in a rumble…as did everyone else in the room. Steve was leaning against the wall, his hand on his side, and I wondered briefly if he was okay before the door was thrown open, and Ponyboy, looking pale and sick, burst in. I watched myself stand, and Darry took a step forward, looking as freaked out as I felt. "Where have you been?" A tired, desperate look passed over my brother's face, and he reached out, bracing himself on the wall. "Ponyboy? What's the matter?" Darry asked, looking more scared now as he spoke gently, reaching out like he was gonna catch him.

"Johnny. He's dead." Ponyboy swayed again, his hands shaking as he fought to stay upright. "Dallas is gone. He couldn't take it."

Every drop in my blood seemed to turn to ice as I watched myself step up to Ponyboy, reaching out and looking worried. Johnny? He was dead? That…that didn't make sense! But then I remembered the church…the fire. They didn't get him out. But…when! When was any of this happening?

"Ponyboy, you look sick. Sit down." I urged my brother, and from the other side of the room, I watched my brother put his hands on his head, his eyes squeezing shut. And then I heard a voice I'd never heard before.

'What would you do to save him?' I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, but Pony was the only other one who seemed to hear it. A hand against his head came back bloody, and I watched myself and Darry hurry forward, trying to get him to sit down. I couldn't hear anything we…they were saying though. All I hear was that voice…'What would you do to save him?' Johnny. It was talking about Dally.

"Anything." The rest of us backed off a little, staring in confusion at Pony's seemingly random statement.

'What would you give? What would you do to save him?' The voice asked over and over, and Ponyboy gripped his hair, eyes squeezed shut as he seemed on the verge of collapse. Around him, everyone else had stood, Steve and Two-Bit exchanging worried looks as they came closer. 'What would you give?'

"Anything!" He screamed it then, his voice seeming to go right through me as Darry hurried forward, catching our brother when he slumped forward…but then we weren't in our house anymore. We were in the park. And everything seemed to be moving too fast. Pony was on the ground, a soc pulling back his foot and kicking him in the ribs, and Johnny was the one in the fountain. I watched in numb horror as my brother climbed to his feet, pulling out Johnny's blade from his back pocket, staring at it for a second, then shuffling forward, drawing back, then stabbing Bob Sheldon in the middle of the back. In flashes, the rest came. Pony and Johnny with Dallas. Their drive home. The police station. The hospital. A bus. A library. Pony, sitting at home, or at school. Then, the hospital again…all of us around his bed and the voice again.

'What would you give? What would you do to save them?'

On the bed, Ponyboy didn't move, but I heard his voice, as clear as day. "I already told you! Anything! I killed that soc. I saved Johnny. I saved both of them." He sounded like he was crying, and I wanted to go to his bedside and take his hand again.

'Was it worth it.'

"Yeah. It was worth it." His voice was firm then…firm and desperate. "It was worth it! I don't want to go back! Please…it was worth it!"

'Are you sure?' The last part of the vision was the worst. I watched the machine start to beep. I watched myself stand and scream while Steve held me back and the doctors swarmed around my brother and Two-Bit took my brother's hand…and then, the beeping of the heart monitor turned into a long, continuous drone. That hadn't happened. He'd been okay! He'd survived. But then my brother's voice came again.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

I jolted upright, my heart racing as I looked blindly around our dark bedroom. My eyes were hot…I was crying. No…I was sobbing. "No…no no no….Pony…" I reached out, groping for my brother who lay beside me, his quiet breathing almost silent next to my sobbing, half gasping breaths.

I lay back down, reaching out and holding him as close as I could. He barely stirred as I sobbed into his shoulder, squeezing him hard. "It wouldn't be worth it." I whispered, shaking my head. "It wouldn't be worth it. You can't have my brother. You can't take him." My voice broke and my throat ached as I choked on the words. "Please…please…"

"Soda?" The drowsy voice of my brother had me trying to collect myself, but even in his exhausted state, he knew something was wrong. "Soda, what's wrong?" He asked, trying and failing to sit up. "Sodapop? Are you okay? Do you need Darry?" His voice rose at the end and I shook my head, trying to swallow my sobs.

"No…I'm fine. I'm okay." I told him, wiping at my eyes. He squinted at me in the dark, shaking his head and trying to turn over. He couldn't manage though, and I squeezed him to keep him still. "Just a nightmare." I assured him. He gave me a disbelieving look.

"Glory…I thought I was the one with the nightmares." I sobbed out a laugh, hugging him again. "What about?" He wondered, blinking a few times in the dark and rubbing his eyes.

"You died," I whispered, then decided to tell the whole truth. "You died so that Johnny and Dally would be okay" He went still beside me, swallowing hard. "You were the one in the fountain…then there was a church. On fire." I realized with a sinking feeling that all the nightmares about fire suddenly made sense.

"Soda…"

"What did you do?" I asked softly, my voice nearly breaking again. "Pony…honey, what did you do?"

"They were gonna die." He whispered, his head dropping back on the pillow. I shook my head, not even knowing where to start. It didn't make sense…I didn't want to believe it. But I'd seen it. And somehow, I knew it was true. Somehow. Somehow, my little brother had agreed to give his own life to save Johnny and Dallas…and somehow they were all still alive. But for how long?


	31. Reassurance

Soda was still sobbing beside me, and I felt awful for needing to use the bathroom. He always took care of me when I had nightmares like this…then again, this was more of a vision than a nightmare from what he was telling me. Reaching out and fighting dizziness, I put a hand on his shoulder and he reached up, catching my hand and holding it tight while he hugged me. This was wrong. He wasn't supposed to know. No one was supposed to know. But he was dreaming about it too now. What if he wanted to go back? What if he wanted to protect me and somehow undid everything? I couldn't let him. I couldn't let anything happen to Johnny and Dally. "It wasn't real, Soda." I told him quietly, squeezing his hand. He shook his head, dropping back on the pillow and taking a deep breath, obviously trying to collect himself.

"Don't lie to me, kiddo." He whispered to the ceiling. He was still for a minute, then pushed himself up on one elbow again, never able to be still for long. I could barely see his face, but I knew he was still crying. I didn't say anything about it. If I'd seen him die, even in a dream, I'd be crying too.

"It didn't happen."

"Because you did something…you changed something." I sighed, squeezing his hand and trying to turn over. The fact that I had to use the bathroom wasn't going to wait anymore, so I got an elbow up, trying to sit up, but I couldn't manage it. The sharp pain in my back made it impossible, and I dropped back against the bed with a groan.

"What are you doing?" He demanded, sitting up and reaching out for me.

"Gotta get up." I told him, gripping my side. The ribs weren't doing to great either. He hopped off the bed, moving to my side of the bed and helped me stand, his arm firm around my shoulders.

"Then you shoulda told me." He chastised me around a yawn, patting my back a little. "You gotta tell us when you need help."

"Didn't wanna bug you."

"You ain't gonna bug me. What'll bug me is if you try and do it yourself and get hurt. Savvy?" I nodded, giving in, just glad he wasn't so upset anymore.

"Yeah. I dig." I told him, leaning against him as he helped me out into the hall

We managed to get me to the bathroom without waking Darry, and when I was done, he helped me back into the bedroom and eased me back into bed. He left the room for a minute, then came back with some water that I swallowed gratefully. Then, for a while, we sat together in silence, both of us staring off into the dark, him laying back and me propped up against pillows.

"I couldn't let them die." I told him suddenly. He knew. He wasn't stupid, whatever he said about dropping out of school. So he had it figured out, and I wanted to talk about it. Sodapop always understood…I could talk to him about anything. "I watched him die, Soda." My voice broke a little, and he scooted over to get closer to me, his arm right up against mine. "I took off 'cause of that fight with Darry, and it was my idea to go to the park. Those socs had me in the fountain." I whispered, praying he wouldn't think I was crazy…praying whoever it was that had let me have a second chance wouldn't take it back.

"They were drowning you." I nodded.

"Johnny stabbed him. Bob. He killed Bob, and it was my fault. I stayed out too late and I yelled at Darry and it was my fault those socs wanted to jump us."

"He shouldn't have hit you." Sodapop murmured, patting my shoulder. "I was so mad…I couldn't even look at him. Wanted to take a swing at him myself." He laughed a little, squeezing my arm. Our voices were barely whispers, like when we were kids, and he and I would sneak into Darry's room in the middle of the night, and we'd all lay in bed together, me between my brothers as we whispered past our bedtime. Our parents never caught us…or maybe they did. Maybe they knew and let it slide. It was easy to forget that Darry and I had been close once, what with everything that had happened…that when I was little, really little, I'd be just as likely to sneak into Darry's room as to wake Soda or our parents after a nightmare. He'd always lift up the covers, hugging me close and telling me it was okay…that he wouldn't let anything hurt me. That none of it was real. But this nightmare was real. Suddenly I wanted to go climb into Darry's bed, drag Sodapop along, and have my big brother tell me it was okay. "Why the church?" He asked.

"Johnny and I ran away." I continued the story. "After he killed Bob. We went to Dallas, like we did this time, but that time, he sent us to a church. It was abandoned…we stayed there for about a week. Ate nothing but bologna. Cut our hair and dyed mine, so the cops wouldn't find us."

"He wouldn't tell us where you were…Dally." He clarified.

"No." He swore beside me, shaking his head. "Told you he didn't know anything. You didn't believe him." I heard him laugh a little. "You sent me a letter and what must have been half your paycheck…I didn't hear from Darry, but Dally said he was real worried."

"Of course he was."

I nodded. "We stayed at the church for a week, and then Dally came by…took us out to eat. Johnny decided to come back and turn himself in. But when we stopped by the church again, it was on fire. I think one of us dropped a cigarette. And there were kids in there." He swore again, and I closed my eyes, remembering...letting myself really remember as my eyes heated up. The fire. The kids. The building coming down around me. "I ran in…Johnny ran in after me. The guy…it was a field trip, and one of the guys with the kids told us not to go in, but we ran inside anyway. It was so hot…there was so much smoke, the whole building was coming down." I gave a half smile. "But we got the kids out."

I swallowed hard, opening my eyes and feeling hot tears slip out of the corners of my eyes and pool by my ears as Sodapop clutched my hand. "The roof caved in. I got out. Johnny didn't. And in the hospital…he died. He…he told me to stay gold. From that poem I told him about. We…we were reading Gone with the Wind and he looked up at me and he…he stopped breathing. And Dally couldn't take it."

I choked on my words, and Soda reached out, gripping me close. "He was my best friend. And when they asked…whoever it was…they asked what I would do to save him…him and Dally…I said anything. I'd do anything. Give anything. It's not right that they should die and I get to live."

"What happened to Dally?"

"He couldn't stand it. He couldn't live without Johnny. I don't know…I don't know how he died. I just know he did." He was silent beside me then, but I had to keep going. Now that I was able to speak about it, I couldn't stop. "That's why I thought I was dead. They asked if it was worth it…it was. Even if I'd died, it wouldn't have been worth it."

"You ain't gonna die. I ain't gonna let you die." He almost snapped, gripping me tight. I rested my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the sharp pain in my lower back.

"Can I have a pain pill?" I asked finally, hating to make him get up, but not able to deal with the pain anymore. He snorted a little, ruffling my hair and relaxing a little.

"Sure, kiddo." He murmured, and jumped up, disappearing for a minute, then coming back with a pill. He was trailed by Darry who was rubbing his eyes.

"You alright, Pony?" He asked, sitting on the bed beside me while Sodapop handed me the pill I swallowed without hesitating.

"Yeah…just sore." He hummed sympathetically, reaching out and patting my shoulder. "Time is it?"

"Almost four." I scooted over carefully and pat the bed beside me while Sodapop lay down on my other side.

"Sorry, Dar. Didn't mean to wake you." Soda mumbled, dropping against his pillow. Darry waved him off, looking down at me critically for a moment.

"C'mon." I offered, and he chuckled a little.

"Not enough room, Pone."

"Sure there is. C'mon." Soda invited, scooted over as well and laying on his side to give Darry more room. Our big brother gave in, sighing a little and climbing into bed beside me, rolling over on his side and throwing a careful arm around me. I closed my eyes, relaxing again, safe between my brothers, and let myself fall asleep.

It was past daylight when I opened my eyes again, and Darry was still beside me. On my other side, though, the bed was cold so I assumed Soda had been up for a while. I closed my eyes again, glad that, at the moment, my back wasn't hurting, and pressed my forehead against my brother's shoulder. He mumbled something in his sleep beside me, and I heard someone in the kitchen, figuring it was Sodapop. Then I heard another voice and wondered who else was at the house. Maybe Steve. I hadn't seen him in a while…then again, the day before I'd spent asleep, so I wasn't really sure if he'd been around.

I supposed I had homework as well. Maybe Johnny was getting it. I wasn't sure. I'd have to ask. For a while, I kept still, my eyes closed as I dozed. I was finally starting to wake up though…to really wake up. The last few days were hazy, and I barely remembered what had happened before. I knew one of those socs, Eric apparently, had stabbed me, and then I'd been in the hospital…then I'd been sick.

Darry stirred beside me, but I kept still, my eyes shut as I felt him lift his arm off of me. "Time is it?" I asked, and he sat up, probably looking at the clock.

"About ten." He told me, swinging his legs over, and I finally opened my eyes, stretching a little. "How do you feel?"

"Alright." I started to get up, but he put a hand on my shoulder. "You're on bed rest, kiddo." He reminded me, and I sighed, dropping back against the pillows.

"Can't I be on bed rest on the sofa?" I whined a little. Instead of getting upset, he grinned a little, moving over and reaching out a hand.

"C'mon." He invited, getting an arm around me and helping me stand up. I gripped the shirt he was wearing, pausing when the place on my back gave a sharp stab of pain, then starting moving again when it passed. He eased me into the living room, which was, thankfully, empty, and helped me sit on the couch, tossing me a blanket and telling me to 'stay.'

"Hey, Darry." He paused on his way to the kitchen, turning back to me, and I felt a wave of gratitude for how things had turned out. I remembered before…the uneasy truce between us…how our relationship had gotten so bad that I went out of my way to avoid him whenever possible, convinced that he hated me and wanted to get rid of me. "Thanks." I told him, hoping he knew that I wasn't just talking about him letting me sit on the sofa. He softened, dropping onto the couch beside me and pulling me into a quick hug, patting me on the back.

A second after he pulled away, Sodapop stuck his head in. "What do you guys want for breakfast?" I was about to wave him off, but Darry answered for both of us.

"Eggs are fine. Thanks, Soda." He glanced over at me. "You want anything else?" I wasn't really hungry, but figured I wouldn't get away with that, so I just nodded.

"You off today?" I asked, pulling the blanket up around my shoulders.

"Yep. Me and Soda both."

"It's…Sunday, right?" He nodded again, standing as he rubbed my head.

"Yeah. You need a pain pill? You need to take your antibiotics anyway."

"Please." He squeezed my shoulder, heading into the kitchen, then came back with some pills and a glass of water. I swallowed them, leaning back against the sofa and closing my eyes. He went back into the kitchen, leaving me alone for a while.

Steve cleared his throat and I jumped a little, rubbing a hand through my unruly hair. I needed to take a shower and fix it. Now it flopped in my face a little, and I shoved it back. "Hey." I mumbled. I hadn't really seen him in a while. Or maybe I had. I assumed he'd been at the hospital but I couldn't remember very well.

"Hey kid." He cleared his throat a little, scratching the back of his head then crossing his arms. "How you feeling?"

"I'm alright." I shrugged, a little surprised. He didn't usually ask things like that. "Just sore." I admitted when he just stared at me, like he was waiting for something more.

"You had your meds?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Good." He ran a hand through his own hair. "You…uh…you need anything?"

I gave him a long, suspicious look. "I'm good." I told him softly. He nodded, still looking uncomfortable.

"You hungry?" I shrugged again. "Kid…" He sounded exasperated.

"I feel like shit, Steve." I told him shortly, closing my eyes again. I heard him sigh and opened my eyes to find him still watching him. "Did I thank you?"

"For what?" He snapped a little.

"You saved me…kept me from bleeding out at the DX." He shook his head. "Thank you."

"Shit kid." He muttered, and I grinned a little at his discomfort. Suddenly a memory came back…just a flash of one. "Sorry for bleeding all over your floor." I felt bad then, because he really looked like he would start crying. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you almost started bawling over me."

Steve shook his head. "Almost." He chuckled without humor, reaching down and dropping a hand on my shoulder. "Shit, kid, wasn't no 'almost.'" He admitted. "I'm glad you're alright." I nodded, smiling a little.

"Thanks. Me too."

He hesitated. "Sure you don't need anything?"

"Shoot, Steve. You keep this up, people are going to start thinking you like me." He rolled his eyes.

"Yes or no, kid."

"I'm fine." He nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading back to the kitchen.

Sodapop brought the eggs to me, and Steve brought his own food into the living room, dropping onto the floor with two plates that he placed on the coffee table. Soda joined him, digging in, and Darry came in with an egg sandwich, sitting on the recliner as he ate. I was kind of surprised that it was just the four of us…usually Dally or Johnny or Two-Bit, or all three, would come by for breakfast on the weekends, and would turn up the TV and the radio, wrestling and demanding food and generally driving Darry nuts. Then Johnny and I would split, sometimes alone, but more recently with Dally or Two-Bit who tagged along to look after us, I guessed, considering how the socs had been after us. I wondered suddenly about the rumble…I was guessing it hadn't happened, but I wasn't sure.

"Did you guys ever rumble?" I asked, swallowing a bit of egg and feeling my stomach turn a little. I wasn't even remotely hungry, but I worried that if I didn't try to eat, my brothers would worry.

Steve snorted a little. "No way, kid. Tim got those two socs that attacked you, and that was it. The others all split…sure haven't been giving us any trouble."

"Not even at school?" I wanted to know. Steve shrugged.

"Hell if I know. None of us have really been except Johnny, and he mostly just went to get your work. He hasn't said anything about the socs giving him trouble, and I asked around. Everybody said the socs have been laying low after what Tim did." I paused at that, giving him a look. "What? You think any of us wanted to go to school with you in the hospital?"

"What exactly did Tim do?" I asked, letting that second part go. If they all wanted to flunk out with me, I supposed that was their right.

Steve glanced over at Darry warily, then at Soda who gave him a look. "You don't want to know, kid. It wasn't pretty, and let's just say they were glad when the cops came and got 'em off the streets." I left it, nodding a little and resolving to thank Tim if I saw him around. He usually stayed on his side of town, but he dropped by occasionally.

"Ain't you hungry, kiddo?" Soda asked, obviously trying to distract me. I shook my head, hating to worry them but not really able to eat anymore.

"Not really." I shrugged.

"Must be the pain pills." Darry sounded pretty calm about it, but I had a feeling he was worried. I hated it. I was ready to get better…to stop worrying my brothers and our friends every time I moved or stood up or couldn't eat.

"Yeah…" Soda forced a grin. "Maybe later."

"What are you two gonna do today?" I asked, leaning back and crossing my arms as I rested against the sofa.

"What do you mean?" Soda asked, grabbing his chocolate milk and swallowing it in one big gulp.

"You ain't gonna stay here all day?" I glanced over at Steve who was smirking at his plate.

"Why not?"

"Because…" I glanced at Darry, hoping to find some help, but he, too, was staring at his plate. "Soda, you'll go crazy, cooped up here all day."

"You can entertain me." He grinned and I rolled my eyes.

"I doubt that. Heck, I'll probably be asleep most of the day." I was getting tired again, even though, when I was awake, I did feel more lucid. Steve snorted a little. "Go. I'm sure Steve wants to drag you off somewhere."

"Pony…"

"Johnny might come back later, and we'll just be reading."

"He's right." Darry spoke up, and Soda gave him a look.

"Dar…"

"Go on. We'll be fine." Our brother told Soda easily.

Soda gave me a look, and for a moment, I knew what he was thinking. Me and Dar were doing a lot better, but before all this, I'd made it a point never to spent any time alone with our big brother, since all we seemed to do was fight. I'd always make sure to have Soda there as a buffer, staying out with Johnny as late as I could so I wouldn't be around him, and Soda must have realized it. Us fighting had hurt him too…and now he was worried about leaving me with Darry. For a second, there was an awkward silence, then I spoke up, clearing my throat a little.

"We'll be fine. Really." I told him, forcing myself to grin a little. I hated thinking about it…about how bad things had gotten. But now things were good, and I wasn't scared of Darry. I knew he didn't hate me. Hell, he loved me more than about anyone else alive. "Drag him out somewhere, would ya?" I asked Steve who chuckled, jumping to his feet and leaving his plate, a hand darting out to grab Sodapop by the arm and drag him to his feet.

"You heard the kid. C'mon, Soda. Let's get out of here."

Already pretty much dressed, Soda grabbed his shoes and yanked them on, pausing to ruffle my hair before following Steve out the door. On the porch, he paused, giving me one last glance, and I waved, shooing him away. It wasn't that I wanted Soda gone…but he really would have gone crazy in the house.

I put my plate on the coffee table, moving carefully and slowly before leaning back against the sofa. "You hurting, kiddo?" Darry asked quietly, putting his own plate down.

I shrugged a little. "No more than before." He pulled himself to his feet, grabbing his plate and then mine, and the ones Steve and Soda had left. I closed my eyes, feeling that pain pill start to work, and by the time Darry was done with the dishes, I was asleep.

I dreamed about fire. The church. It crashed in around me, and I turned to grab Johnny, but I couldn't reach him. I dreamed about the hospital, watching my friend in that bed, his eyes on me, his lips barely forming the words. 'Stay gold.' I dreamed about the voice, asking again and again if I was sure…and finally I dreamed about myself, standing in front of my own bed, Soda asleep beside me. I watched myself open my eyes and stare into the darkness, listening to the voice that asked again if I was sure. In the darkness, I nodded, and then I watched my eyes close, my mouth forming the last words I'd heard Johnny say before I sank back against the pillow.

When Darry woke me, I was sobbing, my mars wrapped around myself as I cried.

"It's okay…Ponyboy it's okay." He was murmuring. I was going to die. I was really going to die…somehow I'd thought that the voice or whoever it was was going to let me live, but I'd watched myself die because I wanted Johnny and Dally to survive and that was still true, but I didn't want to die. "Hey…hey, what's the matter?" He asked, practically begging. I gripped his shirt, shaking my head. It was still worth it. Johnny and Dally got to live, and the gang would be fine, even if they didn't believe it yet, but I was scared.

Darry held me close for a minute, rubbing my back. I wondered briefly how long I'd been asleep, and if Darry and I were still the only people in the house. "I'm sorry." I murmured. "I'm sorry, Darry."

"You don't have to be sorry. Just…what happened?"

"Just a nightmare." He pulled away, putting his hands on my shoulders, and I saw in his eyes that he didn't, not for a minute, believe me. I guessed he deserved the truth, but what was I supposed to tell him. Just because Soda believed me didn't mean Darry would. "I died," I told him quietly, trying to stop crying and wiping at my face. No need to bawl like a baby in front of my brother, not that he thought I was tough or anything. "I mean…I dreamed that I died." He shook his head, squeezing my shoulders firmly.

"You can tell me, you know. I mean...I know I'm not Soda, but you can still talk to me." He told me gently. I hated that he thought that...that I was afraid to talk to him. But I kind of was. He'd think I was crazy if I tried to tell him the truth. But I could tell him something, and to be honest, I wanted to. I wanted my big brother to tell me I was going to be okay.

"I died," I told him quietly, trying to stop crying and wiping at my face. No need to bawl like a baby in front of my big brother, not that he thought I was tough or anything. He certainly knew better. "I mean…I dreamed that I died." He shook his head, squeezing my shoulders firmly, his eyes clear and serious like they got when he was upset, but I knew he wasn't mad at me or anything.

"Pony, you ain't gonna die. You hear me? You're going to be fine. I ain't gonna let anything happen to you." There was no way he could protect me from this. It was my fault anyway…I'd chosen this. But there was no reason to worry him, so I forced a smile, nodding a little. I couldn't help but think how much this was gonna hurt him and Soda, though, and had to fight to keep the smile on my face as my heart raced. I didn't want to die, but it was still worth it.

"Yeah, I know."


	32. Final Meeting

None of our other friends had shown up during the day, so I had to assume they were just giving us some space. Or maybe they had plans. I'd been pretty out of it lately, so it didn't surprise me that I wouldn't know. After the dream, I stayed awake the rest of the day, fighting the effects of the pain pills and staring, unseeing, first at the TV, then at a book, then back at the TV. No matter what I did, I couldn't focus. Darry kept a close eye on me, patting me on the shoulder when he passed and asking often if I was feeling alright. I always insisted I was fine.

A few times, he tried to get me to eat, and for lunch I nibbled at the sandwich he gave me, ignoring the way he sat down in front of me, practically watching me eat. He tried to ask me about the book I was reading, and I did my best to tell him about it, but the pills made me tired and being this tired made it hard to explain anything. He moved over to the sofa beside me, his newspaper sitting on the coffee table, mostly unread.

Anytime I needed to go to the bathroom, he got an arm under me, helping me to walk, never seeming put out or upset. I was grateful. This was humiliating enough without having someone laugh at me or worse, make me feel like I was burdening them. I just wanted to be better. Unbidden, as I sat on the sofa, the memory of the dream came back, and I did my best to push it away. I didn't want to remember.

It was about three in the afternoon when I finally brought up the obvious with Darry. "Where are the guys?" I wondered.

"Not sure." He told me, shaking the newspaper a little and glancing over at me. "I haven't heard from them. I think they're gonna come by tomorrow since Soda and I will be at work." He hesitated. "If you need me to stay home…"

"I don't need a babysitter. They don't have to come by." It was a lie. Getting to the bathroom on my own was nearly impossible, and I probably wouldn't eat all day if no one was there to make me. Or maybe I'd die, lying in that bed, all alone. If I had to die, I didn't want to be alone. Or maybe that was selfish…maybe it would be better than having Sodapop wake up and find me.

Darry smiled a little, eyebrows raised. "Yeah? Try fighting it out with them if you feel up for it. They insisted."

I gave up on that, changing the subject. "Who's gonna get my homework? If I'm gonna try to pass this year, I've got to get started."

My brother shook his head, jaw tight as he tried to smile. It turned out to be more of a grimace. "I don't think you're up for it yet, kiddo. Just focus on getting better, okay?" I gave him a look, hurrying to look back down at my book when he glanced up again. I didn't want to argue with him about it. Still, it wasn't like Darry to tell me not to worry about homework…then again, I had a lot of other stuff he wanted me to worry about. Like getting better and not dying.

'I ain't gonna let anything happen to you.' That's what he'd said. And I knew he meant it. Even when we'd had trouble…even during the times when we'd been a lot less than friendly, Darry had always had my back. The whole gang too. Even in the middle of a fight between us, if someone tried to mess with me or hurt me, he'd always be there to back me up. I never had to fear anyone else when he was around, and it had always been that way. Even if it was a member of the gang…like Dally going too far in our wrestling or Steve messing with me too much, Darry wouldn't put up with it.

But how could Darry protect me from something like this? I'd made a choice! I'd decided that I would die for Johnny and Dally. That's I'd do anything to save them, and this was my anything. This was the price I'd pay. I didn't want to die…more than that, I didn't want to wait around to die, knowing that it was coming and that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would have rather just died in my sleep. Of course, I didn't dare say this out loud. Darry worried enough. Heck, so did Soda and the others.

Sodapop and Steve came back around four o'clock, bags of food in hand, Soda dropping onto the sofa beside me and asking how I was feeling. I shrugged, shaking my head at his offer of a burger, and doing my best to answer whatever questions Steve was asking me. "You look pretty tired, Pony. Why don't you go to bed, huh? Rest for a bit." Soda urged softly and Steve headed into the kitchen to…well, I had no idea what he was doing. Those pain pills were making my head fuzzy, but instead of seeing Johnny's death every time, now it was my own.

I shook my head at his suggestion, knowing exactly what I'd dream about. "I'm fine." I insisted, keeping my eyes firmly open as they all sat around the living room and began to talk until, finally, I couldn't hold on anymore and let my head drop against Sodapop's shoulder.

This time I didn't dream about dying. I didn't dream about anything, really. Just blackness and rest and the constant question. 'Was it worth it? Are you sure?' No matter how many times I said yes, no matter how much I insisted, they didn't seem to believe me. Was I really sure? Yes. I was really sure. I didn't want to die, but more than that, I wanted Johnny and Dally to be okay.

I slept through the night, waking up only when Two-Bit shook me awake the next morning. He showed up sometime before Soda and Darry left, and stuck around until they came home. We did little more than sit around, me on the couch and Two-bit in the recliner. He watched TV and I read a book, watched TV on and off, and for a while, we played cards. Johnny came by after school, and we went back into my bedroom, taking turns reading out loud until I felt like I was going to fall asleep and my brothers got home. Not wanting to sleep and risk the nightmares, I forced myself to stay up and eat with them, then fell asleep on the sofa right after we were finished.

This time the nightmare came back…I watched myself lying in our bed, Sodapop asleep beside me, my arm pressed against him. I heard the voice, asking if I was sure. I hesitated, knowing what would happen. If I said yes…that would be it. I'd die in that bed. My brothers would wake up and I'd be dead, and Darry would remember that conversation…where he'd promised to protect me. But it was worth it. So I nodded and closed my eyes, exhaling and then never breathing in again.

I woke with a gasp that made my entire torso hurt, and when I sat upright, I grabbed my back, screaming a little and dropping back onto the bed, swearing under my breath and wishing for the thousandth time that every movement didn't hurt so damn much. Soda jerked awake beside me, reaching out and grabbing my shoulder, squeezing a little. "Pony? You okay?" He asked, a little breathless as he tried to wake up. I nodded, keeping my eyes closed, my hand against my lower back. One of my brothers, probably Darry, must have carried me to bed. He sat up, a hand on my hair, pushing it out of my face. "What happened?"

"Nothing…just a nightmare," I mumbled.

"Need some medicine?"

"Nah, I'm fine." I waved him off, moving my hand away from my back and shifting on the bed.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." I pushed his hand away, and he chuckled beside me. "Go back to sleep."

"Alright." He muttered, throwing an arm around me, and I stared at the dark ceiling, wondering if this was it. It this was how I died. How would my brothers deal with that? Was that the last thing I'd ever say to Soda? What had I said to Darry before I'd gone to bed? My heart raced as I scooted over a little, leaning against Sodapop. It was worth it, I told myself over and over. It was worth it. But I was still scared.

It wasn't that night. The next morning, it was Steve who woke me, and even though I felt a bit weird spending the whole day alone with him, it wasn't too bad. We played cards for a while, and I won cigarettes that he told me I'd better not smoke. I had no intent of smoking anyway, so I just gave them back to him. I hadn't smoked in a while and I didn't miss it much. Darry would probably be happy if I quit altogether. Surprisingly, Steve didn't tease me or anything when I needed his help getting up off the sofa, and I wondered if that was because he felt bad for me or if Sodapop had warned him not to.

There was only so much we could do around the house, and a few times I told him to go home or to work or to school, but he waved me off, assuring me he was fine and telling me to shut up. So I shut up and watched TV or tried to focus on the book I was very slowly making my way through. I figured I'd I have to take it back to the library or ask Johnny to do it before I finished, but it was something other than the pain to focus on.

My back was feeling better and better, even though walking around still hurt. I was on 'bed rest' so I spent my time on the sofa, laying back against the pillows Darry had brought out of the closet for me to lay on. All week, Steve and Two-Bit took turns staying over, despite my protests, and Johnny came by every afternoon after school, never bringing homework. Instead, we took turns reading Gone With the Wind until we were almost to the part with the gallant gentlemen…the part we'd left off on at the church. We'd only read a few more pages at the hospital, and I hadn't been sure that Johnny had really been keeping up with the story at that point. I didn't know how it would feel to finally get there…to find out what happened after. To see my friend survive.

I survived all the way to Thursday. By then, I'd all but stopped sleeping, instead staring at the ceiling. Waiting. At least that way, I didn't have nightmares and wake Soda. But Darry noticed the dark circles under my eyes…nodding off in the living room during dinner was a good tip off too. Thursday evening, as Darry and I ate, I felt someone shaking my shoulder a little and I jumped awake, blinking tiredly at him. Sodapop and Steve had gone out after work since Steve had spent the whole day cooped up with me, and Johnny had headed home, so it was just me and him. "Kiddo, you okay?" He asked, a hand on the back of my neck.

"Yeah," I mumbled, rubbing a hand over my face.

"You seem awful tired. Why don't you go to bed?"

I figured lying awake in the bed was better than worrying him, so I shrugged. "Alright." He stopped me from getting up, a hand on my shoulder, and pressed a hand to my forehead.

"You getting sick, Pone? You look kind of pale."

"I'm alright." I shrugged. "Just tired."

"Okay." He spoke slowly, standing and reaching down to grab my arm, helping me stand. He steered me to the bedroom, ruffling my hair and, surprisingly, not saying anything about how I'd barely eaten anything.

Instead of sleeping, I did my best to stay awake as long as I could, waiting and staring at the ceiling until Soda got home, then long after he'd dropped into bed beside me and fallen asleep. I was so tired…but what if I fell asleep and that was it? What if my brothers found me in this bed and I never got to talk to them again, or Johnny or Two-Bit or Dally…or even Steve?

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me awake. That seemed to happen a lot lately. Every morning, someone shook me awake and gave me medicine, forcing me to eat something as per Darry's orders. However, it wasn't Two-Bit, like I'd thought it would be. Him and Steve had been taking turns, so I'd assumed it would be Two-Bit staying with me, but it was Dally standing over me, his hand firm on my shoulder. "Time to get up, kid. Wake up." I groaned, batting him away and blinking away the sleep in my eyes. "Ponyboy, wake up." He ordered, his voice, while not mean, then certainly firm. "C'mon."

"What time is it?"

"About eight. Your brothers just left." I groaned. It was earlier than I'd been getting up lately, and I wondered if he'd let me sleep a little longer.

"What are you doing here?" He snorted, shaking me again.

"Get up." He ordered again, and I let him pull me up, taking the pills he handed me and swallowing without question. I'd probably slept for about three hours and was dying to lie back down, but it seemed like Dal wasn't going to let me. Instead, he put an arm around my shoulders, helping me stand, then heading into the kitchen while I went to the bathroom. "Get dressed." He called from the kitchen as I stepped out into the hallway again.

"What? Why?" I called. I'd been wearing sweatpants and Soda's old shirts all week, and while I wasn't exactly dressed for company, I was comfortable and it was easy to get into, which as a must since I could barely bend over, despite being somewhat better at walking.

"Because I said so." He called back, and for a minute, he sounded like my Dad or Darry. I chuckled a little, leaning against the doorframe.

"I'm supposed to stay on the sofa," I told him, giving in to my curiosity a little.

"Go get dressed." He ordered, and I could almost hear him roll his eyes. I sighed, giving in, and went into the bedroom to find something suitable to wear. To my surprise, as I was pulling on a pair of jeans, someone knocked on my bedroom door, and I zipped my pants, limping a little as I opened it, taking half a step back in surprise.

"Johnny?"

"Hey, man." He narrowed his eyes a little, peering at me closely. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." I ran a hand through my hair. "Tired."

"You getting sick? You don't look too good."

"Darry said the same thing. But I'm fine. Just can't sleep too good." I pulled off Soda's shirt and he reached down, grabbing the shirt I'd picked out and thrown on the bed and handing it to me. "Thanks. Where are we going? You know Darry doesn't want me leaving the house."

"I don't know. Dally just told me to come with him, and I'm sick of school."

"You've only been going for four days." He smirked when I laughed a little, careful when I pulled the shirt over my head. "You get my homework, by the way?"

"Yeah, but Darry said not to give it to you." I rolled my eyes but didn't complain. I couldn't exactly be upset that I didn't have to do homework. Still, it was kind of weird that Darry wasn't letting me do it. I dropped onto the bed, putting my socks on as slowly as I could, thanking Johnny when he stepped over and helped me with my shoes.

Dally was waiting for us in the kitchen, arms crossed as he tapped his foot. "You two about ready?"

"Ready for what?" I asked. "Darry say it was okay for me to go somewhere?"

"Nope. Let's go."

"Dal…" He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Ponyboy, I'll have you home before those two get off."

"And if they call?"

He shrugged, jerking his head toward the front door. "Come on. We gotta get going." I thought about arguing again, but I couldn't help being curious. Dallas usually didn't go against Darry, not when it came to things like this, so I followed, walking with Johnny out to Buck's car, which, apparently, Dally had borrowed again.

"Don't you have your own car, Dal?" I asked, but other than lifting his middle finger, Dally didn't bother giving me a response.

I got in the back, Johnny joining me, and I leaned my head against the back of the seat, my eyes closing as Dally pulled out of the driveway. "Where's Two-Bit?" I asked, my eyes still closed as I started to wish that I'd grabbed breakfast.

"I told him to go to school. Him and Steve both."

"So where are we going?"

"You'll see. Now shut up and try to get some sleep, would ya? You look like you haven't slept in a week." I opened my eyes to find him looking critically at me the rearview mirror. "Have you?"

I shrugged, then shook my head. "Not really."

"How come?" He wanted to know.

"Nightmares." He nodded, mouth drawn in a straight, firm line.

"Sleep. We'll wake you up if you start screaming." I nodded, closing my eyes again, and found myself drifting off as the wind whipped against my face. It was kind of nice, actually, and for the first time in a few days, I slept without nightmares.

When I woke, my head was on Johnny's shoulder, and he stretched a little when I sat up to find that we were on a road in the middle of nowhere. "Sorry."

"As long as you didn't drool on me." He grinned, scooting up in his seat, and I leaned back against the door on my side.

"How long have we been driving?"

"Almost three hours." He told me, glancing up at Dally who was watching me again. Looking around at the countryside, I felt my stomach drop a little.

"Dal…"

"We're almost there." He announced, hitting the accelerator and turning onto a side road, which led through another empty field. Johnny was looking around, his eyes wide and curious. He'd never really been out of the city. I was glad he'd get the chance again…but the thought of where we were going made my stomach turn, and I met Dally's eyes in the rearview mirror again.

The church was exactly the same as I remembered, and I watched Johnny stiffen beside me. I didn't want to look at the old building, but when Dally parked out back, the car coming to a full stop, I had to. I tore my eyes away from Johnny, looking over at the old building that looked exactly as I remembered…before the fire. Before one of us dropped a cigarette and the building collapsed on Johnny and Dally ran in, getting him out. Before we were taken in an ambulance to the hospital where my brothers came to find me…to the hospital where Johnny died.

I opened the door, the first of us to move. I didn't know how much the other two knew or remembered, but I knew that I had to go inside. I pulled myself to my feet, grabbing the car to steady myself, and, painstakingly slowly, I limped toward the building. Behind me, I heard Johnny and Dally slam their own doors and, in the space of a few steps, they'd caught up with me, Johnny walking beside me, Dally right behind us.

I stopped at the back door, my hand on the knob for a second, my eyes closing as I remembered. The fire. The screaming. The kids. I'd watched this building crumble to the ground, the flames rising above the trees and licking the sky. Johnny in that hospital bed. It was worth it. It was still worth it.

Grabbing the doorknob and twisting, I stepped inside; Johnny and Dally close behind like I hadn't hesitated. It was all the same. The pews. The crumbling walls and the altar at the front, little more than a pile of wood. In the corner was the place where Johnny and I had slept. We'd kept the food in a paper bag on one of the pews. In the back, by the well and away from the road, we'd cut each other's hair and dyed mine blond. I wasn't too upset that that wasn't going to happen.

"I remember," Johnny whispered, his arms limp at his sides as he looked around. "God…I remember. The fire…those kids…" He looked over at me, face chalky white. "We were here. For a week, we hid out here…after I killed Bob. I killed him. He was gonna kill you, so I stabbed him." I nodded, not wanting to meet his eyes. Not even wanting to think about it. But I had to. What else could I think about when I was standing right in the middle of the place where my friend had been crushed under a burning building? "How did you change it?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper, but still too loud in the silence of the church.

"Someone asked what I would do to save you," I told him, seeing no reason to lie at this point. Behind us, Dally was stalking around, eyeing the empty church skeptically. "I said 'anything.'"

He crossed his arms, head tilted a little. "What do you mean, save me?"

"You died. After the fire. You died and Dally…he died too." I was sure of it.

"So you went back?"

"Yeah. I don't really get it either." I shrugged, laughing without any humor. "I just…I woke up in that park and they were drowning you." I knew it sounded ridiculous, but what could I say? At least Johnny seemed to believe me. And I knew Dally believed me…we'd been having the same dreams.

I walked over to the pew, dropping heavily onto the wooden bench and dropping my head into my hands. Dallas headed outside, leaving us alone, and I wondered what he was doing before a hand landed on my back. "You keep saying it's worth it."

"Yeah." I closed my eyes tight, trying not to think about that. I didn't want to die. I didn't want any of us to die. It wasn't fair. Of course, I knew as well as anyone that life wasn't fair. But Johnny and Dally deserved to live and if I had to die then…well, then I had to die.

"What…was that it? Killing Bob? Is that what's worth it?" He asked softly, his eyes wide and scared, and I knew that he'd see through any lie I could think of. Feeling my eyes get hot, I shook my head.

"No."

"What then?"

"I think…I think someone's gotta die. And it's gonna be me." He was shaking his head before I could even get the words out.

"No. You already killed someone. You ain't gonna die for me too."

"I have to. If I don't...it's either me or both of you. I ain't gonna let you two die. Not after everything." I realized that I was crying then, and I wiped impatiently at my eyes. He dropped his head into his hands.

"You can't do this." His words were muffled by the hands over his face, but I heard him. When he looked back at me, his own eyes were wet. "No. I'm not gonna let you die for me. You…shit." He slammed his hands against the bench, and I flinched at the noise that echoed through the empty church. He turned to me with a scowl. "You ain't gonna die. Not for me. Undo it." It was my turn to shake my head, and his eyes blazed. It was the maddest I'd ever seen him. "Ponyboy! Undo it! I'm not gonna let you die for me!"

"I already saw you die once." I reminded him, smiling a little, my eyes still hot. "I stood by your hospital bed and I watched you die. You told me to stay gold." He was still shaking his head but I reached out, grabbing his arm. "I can't do it again, Johnny. I can't watch you die…you or Dally. You're my best friend. Besides, the gang couldn't exist without you and Dally."

"You think anyone would be okay if something happened to you?"

I shook my head. "I think they'd get over it. You all would."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Dallas snapped, slamming the door behind him and throwing something to Johnny. He picked the book off his lap…Gone with the Wind.

"Dal, why did you bring us here?" I asked, wiping at my eyes and feeling like I wanted to lie down again.

"Ain't you two gonna read that?" I stared down at the book for a second, then shook my head.

"No. Dally, why…"

"Because…I just did. Now read that stupid book." He dropped onto the pew beside us, me in the middle of my two friends. He brought a hand up, rubbing the back of my head, softening a little. "C'mon kid. You'd better get started if we're gonna get you home on time." So, figuring Dally wasn't going to take me home until I started reading, I did as he asked, opening the book to the last page Johnny and I had read together and reading aloud until we got to the gallant gentlemen, then a chapter further. There I paused, reading the last word we'd read together at the hospital, freezing as I glanced over at Johnny. This was the furthest we'd gotten, Johnny in the hospital, reading the copy Two-Bit had given him.

Dal opened his mouth, giving me a funny look and seemed about to say something smart, but the scene suddenly changed.

We were all still sitting in the church, but it was on fire, which made no sense as none of us had had a cigarette. I could smell the smoke…feel the heat from the flames around me, and thought that this was what it was like in a burning ember. I was in the middle of my friends, and Dallas put a hand on my shoulder, scooting closer to me. I realized that my back wasn't hurting anymore…sitting up was easy again.

"Was it worth it?" I stood, which was wonderfully painless, and I watched it again, from the very beginning as my friends stood up beside me, Dally replacing the hand on my arm. The fight, my head in a fountain. Dally. The church. The fire. The rumble…Johnny dying. Then the living room where I stood with Soda's hands on my shoulders keeping me upright…and then the park again, but this time, Johnny's head in the fountain. Me stabbing Bob. And on and on until we all stood in the church again. "Was it worth it?" The question came again, and this time, I saw myself in bed, Soda curled up beside me as I breathed in and out…and then I was still.

But this time, it went further. The morning. Beside me, Soda waking up and turning to me, shaking me, then pausing, shaking me harder. His eyes wide as he shook me harder and harder, screaming for Darry who raced into the room, pausing for a second before dropping to his knees at my side and putting two fingers against my neck. "Was it worth it?" My brothers were crying and yelling and Darry was grabbing the phone, probably calling 911 while Sodapop grabbed me, his arms tight around me as my head flopped, my arms limp. I was dead…they couldn't help me now. "Was it worth it?"

"No!" Johnny screamed from beside me, taking a step forward and grabbing my shoulder, pulling me back behind him. "No, it's not worth it! You can't have him!" I pulled my arm away from Johnny, remaining where I was and nodding my head. It didn't matter if he stood in front of me. No one could protect me from this.

"Yeah. It's worth it." Johnny and Dally would get to live. They'd get to have real lives, and the gang would be okay and Soda and Darry would have each other. It was worth it.

There was a laugh and the image disappeared, leaving us all alone in the still-intact church. Johnny put a hand on my other arm, looking around at the empty sanctuary as the pain in my back returned. "You really mean it." The voice was softer now, but I knew my friends could hear. "You would die for them." I nodded, my heart racing as I heard my own pulse in my head. Johnny gripped my arm when I swayed a little, and I rubbed a hand over my face.

"Yeah." I told whoever it was, speaking out loud just in case. There was a long silence, and I glanced over at Dal who glared into the emptiness with a fury that surprised me. Hands clenched into fists, he looked like he was ready to fight. But this wasn't something he could fight. I looked out into the empty sanctuary again. Was this it? I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and waiting. At least my brothers wouldn't have to see. I felt bad for Dal and Johnny, though.

"You are willing to die for your friends…so you will not have to." My eyes snapped opened and I looked around, not sure if I had heard it correctly.

"What?" I think I spoke the word aloud.

"You are willing to die for them. Over and over in your dreams, you have died for them. So...you will not have to."

Then, as though a wind blew through the building, something whooshed past us, and there was silence again. "What!" I practically shouted, turning around to follow, about to demand some answers, but Dally caught me before I could move. "After all that…"

"Shut up, kid!" Dally snapped, shaking me, and I grimaced, giving him a look as my lower back shot a jolt of pain up my spine. "Let's go before it changes its mind." He grabbed my arm, pulling me with him and Johnny trailed behind as we all but ran to Buck's car, me limping along as quickly as I could, then dropping into the back seat with Johnny as Dally slammed his foot down on the gas. Twisting as best as I could in the seat, I watched the church disappear in the distance.


	33. Just Fine

It was almost three when we got back to the city, and Dally started to pull into Dairy Queen's parking lot, but jerked the wheel back over to the middle of the road, shaking his head and swearing aloud. Beside me, Johnny glanced up at the Dairy Queen sign and paling a little. I rubbed a hand down my face, leaning against the door and wishing I had those pain meds. We'd all been quiet on the drive back, me especially. It didn't make sense…none of it. I was ready to die…I had been ready. But now…I got to live? Somehow? And after everything, I was free to go? I got to live, and Johnny and Dally too? Of course, I wasn't about to say anything else about it out loud. I'd tried, as we'd pulled away from the church. Dally had told me in no uncertain terms to shut my trap or he'd come back there and shut it for me. I didn't doubt him.

Beside me, Johnny kept his head against the window, the wind blowing between us and making it almost impossible to really hear one another until Dally slowed down, pulling onto a side road, then into a burger joint parking lot where he pulled to a stop in front of the front door, spinning around in his seat. "You two, sit here and keep your traps shut." He pointed a finger at me. "You especially."

I leaned in, incredulous but trying to keep my voice down. "All I said…"

"Keep. It. Shut." He snapped, glancing over at Johnny, then jumping out of the car. I looked over at Johnny again, and he fought a grin as he stared down at his feet.

"I don't know what he's pissed about." I mumbled, keeping my head down so he couldn't read my lips. He snorted.

"He's just freaked. Heck, so am I, Pone." He leaned back against the door, crossing his arms and watching me closely. Between us on the seat sat Gone With the Wind. A few people were going in and out of the diner, but most of them seemed alright, taking little interest in the two greaser kids. We were closer to Tim's side of town than our own, so it was mostly greaser girls and guys running around, and on the other side of the parking lot, two guys with slick hair and switchblades faced off, edging toward the other side of the building. I hoped they kept their fight away from us. I couldn't deal with any more conflict. "I mean…neither of us has any idea what's going on, and we thought you were going to die…"

"I don't know what's going on either." I reminded him. "And I thought I was gonna die too."

"Because you made a deal with someone and you agreed to it." He reminded me dryly, pulling out a cigarette. Hesitating, he started to put it away, but I waved a hand.

"Go ahead."

"You want one?" He offered, glancing around again like Darry might pop up if I started to smoke one. I shook my head.

"No thanks. I think I'd better quit." He nodded.

"I probably should too." He lit the smoke anyway, breathing in deep, and I fought the urge to take it away from him and take a drag on it. Still, Darry would probably smell it on me and I'd get in trouble, and I really did need to quit, especially if I ever wanted to get back to running track. I didn't know anything about kidneys, or if having one less would matter when it came to smoking, but either way, I was gonna try and give it up. "Do you think they meant it?" I mumbled, staring down at my hands in my lap. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, and that I wouldn't have to die. I mean, it would be worth it, but I didn't want to die. More than that, I didn't want Darry and Soda to wake up one morning and find me dead. Bad enough we'd lost our parents…it would be hard for them to lose me like that too.

"Yeah. I think they did." He told me, his voice quiet, then he put the cigarette to his lips again and took a long drag, exhaling away from me. "I mean…why else would they say it?"

"I just thought…I thought I'd have to do something, you know?"

"You did. You were willing to die for us." He punched me in the arm, smiling a little, but then turned serious. "You could have survived without us, you know? Just…gone on with your life."

"I couldn't have, though." I told him quietly, picking at my nails and remembering. Remembering how he'd died…laying there in that bed looking up at me…telling me to stay gold. "Not after seeing you die. It was my fault."

"Pone, it wasn't…"

"It was! I fought with Darry and ran off…it was my fault. I was the one that wanted to go to the park. If I'd have just stayed home…or stayed in the lot…" I shook my head. "It didn't happen. None of it did. Everything that's happened since I went back…it was all worth it." I gave him a half smile. "So now we all get to live…sounds good to me." For the first time, I started to believe it, chuckling a little. "We all get to live."

"Yeah. We all get to live." He grinned right back, and then a bag of food landed on the seat between us, making us both jump.

"You both suck at keeping an eye out, you know that." Dallas grumbled. "What's so funny, anyway?" He wondered, glancing at us in the rearview mirror.

"We all get to live." Johnny said it again, the smile almost blinding, and Dally snorted a little, his face softening.

"Yeah, looks like it. Now let's get Pony home before one of his brothers comes looking."

"You don't think they've tried calling?" I leaned in, ignoring how much it hurt my back to do so…I hadn't had a pain pill for two long. I must have gone pale, or he'd seen it on my face somehow, because he turned in his seat.

"Sit back, kid. We should have brought you those pills." He shook his head, muttering a curse under his breath. "And I don't know. Probably. We'll make something up."

"Why'd you take us to that church, Dal?" Johnny wondered.

"Just had to." He told us, turning onto my road, and I was relieved to see that our driveway was empty. "Been having that stupid dream all week…figured if we went to where it happened, it might make the things go away." He shrugged. "Guess we'll see if it worked." Pulling into our driveway, he jumped out of the car and was on my side before I could even unlock the door. He pulled it open, reaching down and pulling me slowly to my feet.

Johnny trailed behind as we moved as quickly as we could into the house, Dal slamming the screen door behind us, and pushing me toward the couch. I lay back, hand pressed against my back, and in another second, he was handing me a pain pill and a glass of water. I swallowed the pill, and Johnny dropped down beside me right as the phone was ringing.

Dally lifted a hand, signaling for us to be quiet, then grabbed the phone from the table. "Yeah?" He asked, and I could hear someone yelling on the other line. "The hell's wrong with you? Yeah, I'm with the kid!" There was more yelling and Johnny glanced at me, apparently fighting a laugh as he clenched his jaw tight. I'd been right, it seemed. "I went to get burgers…Johnny too. The kid fell asleep before we left." He sighed. "Shit, Sodapop, I was only gone for a few minutes. Kid was still asleep when we got back…no, he's fine. Yeah, he's awake." Dallas rolled his eyes and I snorted, ignoring the look he shot me. "Yeah, you can talk to him. Here." He held out the phone to me and I grabbed it.

"Hey, Soda. What are you yelling at Dally for?" I heard him sigh on the other line.

"Just freaked out when no one answered. He left you alone there?" He sounded mad and I rolled my eyes.

"For a few minutes." I told him, snorting a little. "I was asleep. Didn't even miss him." Going along with Dally's story was no stretch…heck, I felt like I might fall asleep any minute after that trip we'd taken. But it was best if Sodapop and Darry never found out what we did. Darry would kill him. "Sorry I freaked you out." I tacked on at the end.

"Wasn't your fault." He grumbled. "You feel alright?" He wanted to know.

"Tired and sore…nothing new." I yawned, dropping my head back.

He hummed. "Yeah…alright. Get some rest, okay? You need it. You had anything to eat?"

"Not yet."

"Try to eat something." So he'd noticed I wasn't really eating…or sleeping. I hated worrying him and Darry…but it looked like I wouldn't have to anymore. No more nightmares about dying. No more feeling sick every time I got tired…it was over. I smiled.

"I will. See you tonight, Soda."

"Alright, kiddo. Can you give the phone back to Dal?"

"Sure." I mumbled, holding it out and hoping he wasn't about to start yelling at Dal again. Dally was the reason I might actually survive this. He grabbed the phone, pressing it to his ear and rolling his eyes a little when my brother started to talk again.

"Yeah, I will." He mumbled. "Yeah, he did." He was silent for a minute, then sighed. "Yeah, Soda. I am. Alright. See ya." He put the phone down on the receiver and dropped into Darry's recliner, taking the bag of food from Johnny and pulling out a burger. "Pony, you hungry?" I shrugged, but he didn't seem to care, holding out the burger that I took, peeling back the foil and nibbling at it.

I managed to fall asleep after I ate some of the burger, waking only when I heard Darry's voice in the room. "How long's he been out?" My brother asked, and I felt someone push my hair back.

"Since about four." Dal told him. "He took a pain pill right before he fell asleep. Ate a burger too. Well…some of one."

"Good…he hasn't been sleeping much. Eating either."

"Yeah. Said he's been having nightmares." I wondered where Johnny was…hadn't he been there earlier? Or maybe he'd gone home after we'd gotten back from the church. I'd been pretty exhausted, so I couldn't really remember. Or maybe he was around…he wasn't too talkative. I wondered if that would ever change. I'd get to find out.

"He told you that?" Darry sounded incredulous.

"Yeah. I asked him why he looked so tired." He snorted a little, but when he spoke, he didn't sound very amused. "Kid said he'd been having some gawdawful nightmares…said he kept dying. In his dreams. But he's been pretty quiet so far."

"Yeah?" Darry was running his hand through my hair, but he paused. "He told me the same thing…he dreamed that he died." He sighed softly. "I ain't gonna let anything else happen to him."

"I know." Dal didn't sound concerned…of course he didn't. He knew that I was gonna live now. He knew that I was gonna be okay, now that whoever it was I'd made a deal with was going to let me live. I didn't have to be scared all the time anymore. Heck, maybe I'd even stop having those nightmares. "I don't think you need to worry about the kid…he's gonna be just fine." It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest and I took a deep breath.

"You awake, Pony?" Darry asked, ruffling my hair once before dropping his hand to my shoulder. I smiled a little, blinking up at him and starting to sit up. He helped me, the hand gripping my arm and another supporting my back. He always helped me. He was my big brother, and from the earliest I could remember, he'd always been there to help me. "How you feeling?"

"I'm alright." I told him, meaning it for the first time in a while. "How was work?" He grinned, dropping the hand and heading over to the kitchen.

"Fine. You guys heard from Sodapop?" He called over his shoulder, and Dal smirked.

"Yeah. We heard from him. He said he's coming home after work…should be here any minute." It didn't feel real…none of it. I still couldn't quite believe it…I got to live. I got to live, and so did Dally and Johnny…speaking of Johnny…I looked around but didn't find him.

"Where'd Johnny go?" I wondered, rubbing my eyes.

"He headed home about an hour ago. Said he had something to do…I didn't really ask." He shrugged. "Maybe homework or something."

"Guess at least one of us ought to pass this year." He nodded, gesturing toward the kitchen.

"Think your brother will let you do your homework any time soon?"

"Probably not. After everything…who knows if I can even catch up. I'll just repeat the grade, I guess. Compared to everything else, it's not really a big deal." He laughed, shaking his head.

"You got that right." He jumped up out of Darry's chair when my brother came back in, dropping onto the couch beside me and messing up my hair. Darry gave him a funny look but didn't comment. I mean, Dally usually wasn't mean to me or anything, but we hadn't exactly been buddies. I'd been kind of scared of him actually, and he'd let me tag along with him. I guess we were friends now, real ones, considering all that had happened. I shrugged him off, laughing a little and pushing my hair back into place.

"What did you guys do today?" Darry wondered, picking up the newspaper but not reading it. I glanced over at Dal, trying not to look guilty. He just shrugged, a master of not looking guilty.

"Just sat around." He told my brother. "Played cards. I ran out and got burgers." He shrugged, looking over at the clock. "I guess I'd better head out. I'll see you around, kid." I nodded, pushing his hand away when he went to mess with my hair again. "When you're feeling better, we'll see if you can come down to the races, alright?"

"Sounds good, Dal." He nodded, waving to Darry and ignoring my brother when he went to thank him. As he was leaving, Steve and Soda were coming in, and once more it was me and both of my brothers. My brothers who wouldn't have to live without me. My brothers who wouldn't have to find my body in the morning. In a while, I'd be able to go back to school, and so would Johnny, and Dally would live a real life, and we'd all be fine. It was all going to be fine, and I didn't have to die. It felt so good…like I could breathe again, despite the ever present pain in my ribs that, hopefully, would be gone soon.

Steve nodded as he walked by, lifting an eyebrow at Soda when my brother dropped onto the sofa in Dally's place. "Hey kid. You sure had your brother scared today."

"I didn't mean to fall asleep." I told him, fighting the desire to smile in relief. I didn't have to die. Neither did Johnny or Dally. We all got to live. And I knew he had been worried, but I really couldn't bring myself to care, not now.

"Don't worry about it, kiddo." He waved my apology away, but Darry leaned in, brow furrowed.

"What happened?" And while Soda explained, I exchanged a glance with Steve who was smirking a little. Of course he thought my brothers were overprotective. So did I, honestly, but I didn't much blame them, especially not after everything that had happened this month. Still, it felt good to agree with Steve on something. Maybe we'd even be friends some day…real friends, like me and Johnny. Now we'd get the chance. We'd get to grow up and keep in touch and maybe I'd even get to go to college like Darry wanted, and Soda could find another girl, and maybe Darry could even go back to school. Johnny and I would finish that book, now that I had my own copy thanks to Two-Bit. We'd never go back to that church, though…we'd finish it in the lot, or in my bedroom. We were all gonna be just fine.

**The End**


End file.
